12.27.2011

The Tattletale Book

One of the staff at the Boys and Girls Club has an interesting way to pacify tattletales.

 Behold the Tattletale Book:

The first graders are notorious tattletales. So instead of fielding whiners all day, she has them write their complaints in the book. It is one of the best things ever.

Here we see the inner stuggles of the first graders.

 He was winee becus i seb thet i am not his frenb

 Anthony is said somethig bad to jaime bye have a good da


Fabion kicked me in the face u laitlle 

Anthony pook me on the eye

 

Gabrooll sed that Jamy was a cri baby

We can't forget the problem child, Nia.

Nia push Anthonys

Nia was fitien with me

Nia is being minn


 Nia boses us arond

And my personal favorite includes an emotional piece of art.


Sedistn M. Sedistn is eat my (chip)
Sedistn is min

The end.

12.24.2011

Merry Christmas

A gift for you:


12.21.2011

The Mom Curse

I know I talk a lot of trash about Pee-Baby, but the truth is: I am in sweet sweet love with him.
I wake up excited every morning and skip into his room. His toothless grin is better than warm early morning sunshine. His chubby leg stumps make me giddy. And his baby bald spot feeds my soul.

I always believed that once I had kids my fun would be over. Life would be torturous and filled with regret.
Wrong.

Having a kid is awesome.
I love everything he does.  I sigh when he grabs my face. I melt when he cuddles with me. I even think it's cute when he takes a dump on me.


There are a couple of negatives though. That's right, I'm talkin about the mom curse.
Once you have a kid your entire image molts and what you are left with is not pretty. Everything as you know it is swept aside and replaced with sweatpants. 

Before Kids:


After Kids:


I smell like spit-up all the time. I don't shower everyday. My bum is flabby like my boobs.

Every once in a while I get a good nights sleep and pull myself together.

But being Cryin Ryan's mom is my favorite thing ever and worth the crusty spit up and dried pee that splatters my clothes.

12.17.2011

Christmas Present

I think we can all agree parents suck to shop for.

For this Christmas I had a great idea:
Draw mean pictures of everyone in my family and frame it.


I gave it to my parents in Utah at Thanksgiving.



(Dan, Matt, Aiden, Steph, Zac, Meg-zilla, Sara, PaPa, Mom, Angie, Brook, Shakey Jake, Rachel, Me holding Ryan, and a rather jolly Jared)

A few people did not appreciate my artistic interpretation.

Notice, if you will, that the "good"/butt-kisser kids are to the left of my mom and dad, while the awesome/trouble maker kids are to the right.

When we opened it up, both Dan and my Dad were wearing the exact same outfits that I drew them in.

Yes, that is a Quilt Cape my mom is wearing.
And yes, that is an AK-47 Shakey Jake is holding.
Also yes, Shakey Jake is wearing a Rambo headband.

I am pretty confident this will be hanging in the Getty Museum at some point.

Your welcome mom and dad!

12.10.2011

How Pee Baby Spends His Day

  Nothing is more interesting than other people's kids. I know you all were desperately wondering what Ryan does throughout the day, here you go.


Being Disgusting


 Sleeping with pants in mouth


Looking at Chucky's privates


Being Really White


And Ruining Folded Laundry


12.08.2011

Nut Card

I have been feeling really bad for my brother, Daniel, and his nuts.
After he was clocked in the peeps by Meg-zilla on Thanksgiving he had to go to the hospital for some swollen appendage issues. :(

I felt like a warm bowl of chicken noodle soup was inappropriate to send through the mail.

I went to Hallmark to find an appropriate card, but my search turned up fruitless.
I immediately dug out my Mormon Girl emergency supplies (i.e. scrap-booking crap).
I knew I would be able to make perfect craft for this occasion.

Ta-daaaaa!


Sorry about your nuts Dan.


12.03.2011

Auntie Pee Pee and Uncle Poo Poo

My favorite Brother Jake has a cute little girl.

Since she was a baby, Jake taught her to call me Auntie Pee Pee and referred to Jared as Uncle Poo Poo.


As Auntie Pee Pee, I have taken my responsibilities very seriously.


I taught her what a cow says - mooooooo
What a frog says - ribbit ribbit
What a kitty says - meow
And what a wiener says - psssssssss

She's a smart little gremlin.

She doesn't like to say Ryan so she calls my baby a variety of inappropriate names.


Most often she calls him "Rhiney"
And when she feels like spicing things up a bit, she busts out "Rhiner", a magnificent mixture of Ryan and wiener.

That's all, amen.

11.30.2011

Sausages with Muffin top on the Side

I went to Utah for a few days to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
My family is not shy when it come to eating really good food.... lots of it.

Every time I visit Utah I gain weight. I have no self control when we go out to eat all the time, have delicious snacks at the house and have homemade caramel popcorn available at any time. Plus, Salt Lake City has abundant Taco Times and their burritos are better than sex a lot of things.

This time I had an amazing idea.
I recently lost enough baby weight to fit back into my pre-pregnancy "skinny jeans". It was a tight fit but with a little prayer and a lot of sucking in I stuffed my sausage thighs into the leg holes.

Here's the plan:

1. Only bring jeans to Utah that fit perfectly.
2. Have no other clothing options available.
3. I would be forced to eat healthy and maintain my weight or I would have to go naked from the waist down.

Turns out, this is the worst idea ever.

After a few hours with my family at the an amazing Thai restaurant, the jeans no longer fit perfectly. Actually, I now looked like those skanky teenage girls you see in the mall. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The ones who wear jeans WAY too tight because they think they look hot.  Yeah, that was me. (except that I'm 27 and have a child)

Great.












Thanksgiving was still in the plans so I knew I wouldn't be dropping the lbs. anytime soon.

So for the rest of the trip I waddled around in my sausage casing. One pair of jeans were literally coming apart at the seams.... on the inner thigh. sexy.

Mission Failed.

11.28.2011

Dirty Language @ the Boys and Girls Club

This is probably one of the most poignant moments during my tenure at the Boys and Girls Club. 

I had a 6 foot long piece of bright yellow butcher paper, stolen from the teachers supply room. I was running the Peace Builders program and the manual had suggested this activity to reduce bad words and put-downs.

I put the paper on the floor and had the first graders gather around it.
We discussed why we shouldn't say bad words or mean things to other people. 

Then I asked the kids to name some things we shouldn't say. I was going to write them all on the huge paper and then the kids could all help rip it up, symbolizing their resolve to not say mean things.


Miss Emily: What are some things we shouldn't say to each other?

Kid 1: You are not good at soccer.

Kid 2: You look gross.

Kid 3: You suck.

Kid 4: I'm not going to be your friend.

Kid 5: You can't play with us.


Miss Emily: Good job! What else should we write down?


Honest Kid: You shouldn't say, "Mother Fu*ker"



I put my head down to hide my delighted laughter. 
I took a few minutes to compose myself.


Miss Emily: Um, yeah.... we shouldn't say that..... let's not write that one down though...

Kid 3: What's a "Mother Fu*cker"?

(Silence)

Miss Emily: ..........Who wants recess!?!


11.23.2011

Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation Starters

You know how people who have fancy dinner parties sometimes pass out conversation starters? Well I decided to make my family dinner more interesting with some homemade convo starters of my own. Take that Martha Stewart.


I pulled out some of my mom's fanciest paper and most expensive pen and got to work. Feel free to use my ideas to spice up your own Thanksgiving.

Here are a few of my most brilliant:

  • How many run-ins with the law will my brother Jake have in 2012? (You can substitute Jake for a member of your family who is frequently arrested.)
  • Which person in the room would you most like to fight and why?
  • Would you rather pee your pants at church once a month or be called "Splatter Pants" for the rest of your life?
  • What are your 10 most favorite things about Emily?
  • If you had to change someones pants in the room, who would it be? (This question is especially relevant considering there is more than one person with incontinence problems who will be attending tomorrow.)
  • What was your favorite part about puberty?
  • Why are you better than everyone else in the room?


I have a feeling Thanksgiving will be an eventful holiday.

11.12.2011

Ryan the Gnome

No less than 10 people have told me that my baby looks like an elf or a gnome.


 When I was pregnant I remember wishing that my baby would resemble a fairy tale creature. 


Thanks a lot Jerkoffs.

11.08.2011

LDS Halloween Rave

We are really hard partiers, so for Halloween we hit up our LDS Ward Halloween party! It was insane!!! I myself have never been to a rave, but I'm sure they are similar to what I experienced last Saturday.

  • Local parishioners were almost in a coma from the chili cook-off. I'm sure some of them overdosed.
  • Little children were foaming at the mouth from the amount of candy they had inhaled. 
  • We had to cut a few people off after they had too many waters. 
  • And, there was an older lady waving glow sticks. 

Honestly, I was surprised the cops didn't show up. 

Our little ward is full of new people so we had a "youtube" video screening. Every family made a youtube-esque video, and we all watched them while we ate. 

I hate being on video so I made this slideshow masterpiece....
Here is some stuff you probably would be better off not seeing:


video

Don't forget our consignment store costumes:


The answer is yes, that is a mustache Jared is sporting.... and no, I did not make love to him for the 3 weeks he was growing it. 


Clearly, Ryan was not as amused by his costume as I was.
amen.

11.02.2011

Chucky's Hack Job

Chucky has long hair. I hate hair.


So every couple of weeks we do this to him:




He feels so insecure after we do it. 



Poor Chucky.

10.31.2011

Pube-saline

Jake's wedding dinner in 2003 doubled as a brainstorming session. My siblings, Jared and I all convened to form a master plan of how to decorate our Jerk-off  brother's car after his wedding reception.
I immediately thought of pubes. Anytime you want to make something memorable.... use pubes.

But pubes alone would blow off the car and leave the parking lot a black wiry mess. 

Enter VASELINE.
An inspired stroke of genius by yours truly.

A healthy mixture of equal parts pubes and vaseline would adhere beautifully to the car.

My two younger brothers executed my genius idea. They had a mutual photography session while harvesting said pubes.

During Jake's wedding reception they snuck out and smeared the concoction all over the windows and underneath the door handles. It was a masterpiece.

Jake and his new Bride skipped out to their car. Chivalry prevailed as Jake grabbed hold of his infected door handle for his wife.

I stood in the crowd laughing harder than I ever have in my life.

Jake eyed the goop suspiciously.
"It's PUBES!!!" my brothers yelled, clearly pleased with themselves.

Jake chased them down and cleaned his hand on their faces. amen.

10.28.2011

72 hours

As a Mormon I am genetically wired to to do specific things. The very DNA that runs through my veins compels me to act a certain way.

Lately I have this innate need to gather material goods and put them in a backpack.

Behold the 72 hour kit:



These bad boys are supposed to save people in the event of an emergency. The idea is jam as much crap as can possible fit into a portable bag. Then when a tsunami or earthquake strikes, you can calmly put on your 72-hour backpack and strut into the community meeting place with all your emergency essentials.

I can already imagine it.

Everyone will give me the evil eye as I smugly change into clean underwear and munch on my 2000-calorie granola and freeze-dried berries. Envious onlookers will cringe as I drop water-purifying tablets into my stainless steel bottles.


I will blow my emergency whistle with pride before I fire up my hand-crank radio. I will stand as a beacon providing everyone within a 100 foot radius with light from my lantern that lasts continuously for 144 hours.

Then I will apply lipgloss so I'm ready for the rescue parties to arrive.

It will be awesome.

Moral of the story:
In the event of an emergency - find some Mormons.

10.19.2011

The Evils of Baby Formula

So a few weeks ago Breastfeeding took an unexpected turn. My boobs started running out of milk.

To be honest, I wasn't that stoked about breastfeeding to begin with. I don't like sitting still for more than 10 minutes at a time, and breastfeeding requires you do this for around 6-8 hours each day. Bleh.

I ended up having to supplement with formula. Then I realized that I actually kind of like breastfeeding. My little baby depends on me. I'm giving him the healthiest option available to him right now and I get to cuddle with Pee-baby 6-8 hours a day. Plus he plays with my hair the whole time........ (sigh.........).

Jared was frieking out when he found out I had given Ryan a bottle of formula. He thought Ryan was going to start having convulsions and grow up harboring severe neglect issues. 

Jared's jaw dropped and his eyes grew wide when I told him this was not the first bottle I had to supplement with.

 "You just need to make more milk..... just concentrate."
So I closed my eyes.
I concentrated really hard.
I sqeezed.

But no milk came out.


I went to the store and bought some Brewer's yeast and Fenugreek. Both of these supplements are known to increase milk supply and both are nastier than Ryan's peanut butter poop.

Do you people have any other tips to increase Breastmilk? And by "you people", I mean Heather Johnson.... because I know you've been breastfeeding for years.

I really hope this had nothing to do with the Pumice Stone.

10.14.2011

T is for Treasure

Idle hands are the devil's playground and this applies especially to me.
It is not good for me to be bored. I always get into trouble when I am board. Always.
So lately I've been reorganizing my house.

It amazing what you find while going through your stuff.

Here are a few examples:

1 Old embarrassing trophy from when I lost Miss Riverton.


1 velcro wallet

 
2 Awkward animals given to me as gifts.
  • Red and White dog given to me randomly by my dad as when I was an angst ridden teen.
  • Manatee given to me by Jared who often says that poo looks like a dead manatee.
 4 Creepy Saw movies. I have no idea where I got these or why they are in my house.


1 huge box of Condoms from Costco..... actually now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure my friend Adrienne gave these to us after we had Cryin Ryan.











 "The church book"
used for drawing dirty pictures during church when I was younger.



 
4 Enemas I was too scared to use while I was pregnant and grossly constipated











 

 1 Bottle of Centrum Silver. Old people vitamins. I dont know where these came from either.








Who knew such treasures existed in my own house! I can't wait to reorganize the pantry!