12.31.2013

Pregnancy Thoughts


Here are some of the actual thoughts that have been going through my head the last 7 months.


  • Why do my clothes keep shrinking?
  • Didn't I just feed/bathe Pee-Toddler yesterday?
  • My boobs are looking rather nice.
  • If I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee one more time, I'm getting a few straws and a Ziplock bag and making my own catheter.




  • When did I become so lazy that I have to give myself a pep talk every time I need to stand up?
  • How come this mirror makes my butt look so big?
  • Screw you Fit Mom:



  • Is it really that wrong to feed your kid Cheetos for breakfast?
  • Why does play dough smell sooooooo good?
  • My belly button looks like a manatee's face.



  • I am going to be super-nice to Jared as soon as I'm not pregnant anymore.
  • I am a little bit happy that I've been sick for 2 weeks so I can be unbelievably lazy.
  • Is it wrong to want to hit your fetus back every time it kicks you?


I'm messed up. Amen.






12.24.2013

Wuss in Boots


Living in Southern California has ruined me.

Every time I come to Utah in the winter I get an extreme case of wussiness.

I used to wake up at 6am when it snowed so I could spend the day snowboarding in the freezing mountains.



Now I hide in my bed until 10am and spend the day in my parents warm house while my mom makes me soup and hot chocolate. I look out over my parents deck and think to myself, "this looks like a good week to stay in....."

The air is so dry here that I feel like I'm shriveling up into a 29 year old raisin. I would go to Sephora and spend my grocery money buying all their body scrubs and lotions if it weren't so cold outside.



When I get morning sickness I do the usual throwing up and peeing of the pants, but because of the dry air, now I get bloody noses too.
It's strangely liberating to have fluids coming out of almost every hole of your body at once.

We can't even visit friends since we are infected from the cold weather. Ryan and I both have colds. Poor little Pee-Baby coughs all night. We had to bust out a humidifier.

I used to drive like a stunt-man when there was snow on the roads. Over 5 years in California and 1 and a 1/2 babies later has turned me into one of those idiot hyper-vigilant drivers who go 25mph on the freeway. Humanity, I apologize.

I feel out of place because there are so many middle class white people. I always wished I was brown, and in SoCal I'm with my people. Ryan immediately made friends with the only Latino girl at the McDonald's play place. He loves all the brown kids at the Boys and Girls Club. I might make a special trip to Kerns or West Valley so I can relax.

I cried a little because I can't wear flip-flops everywhere like I normally do. Do you realize how hard it is for pregnant chicks to put on socks AND boots???

I dress like this:



Which, I can assure you, is not that cute when you are 29 weeks pregnant.



12.20.2013

Boob Flashing


Pee-Baby and I flew into Utah last week.
My mom picked us up at the airport.

When we pulled into the driveway, one of my cool sisters, Rachel, came to the door to meet us.
I decided to reward her with a ceremonial Barlocker-family sister-flashing.




That's how we roll. We don't hug, we expose ourselves.

I lifted up my shirt to offend her with my pregnant stomach and awesome pregnancy boobs.
Of course I made an angry face and did a cute tap-dance.




Then my Dad walked by.
Um....... I wanted to kill myself.
I have never put my boobs away faster.
I don't think he saw anything, or at least he pretended not too. Thank goodness.

My dad is usually not amused by my shenanigans.

I think from now on I will avoid flashing my sisters on the driveway.

12.18.2013

Christmas Village

Ryan is frighteningly excited for Christmas. He is obsessed with the little Christmas villages everywhere. I was holding him up to look at one display (for over 25 minutes) when I decided I should just buy one for our house.
Then I looked at the prices - each house was $45-$75(!!!!!), and decided I would rather spend $300 on laxatives, hair product, Taco Bell, and maternity pants than on a stupid Christmas village.

I remember my crafty mom painting a set when I was little. I loved to watch her paint them.

The unpainted plaster houses were only a few dollars each so I bought them and planned to paint my own.

That was like, my 8th worst Christmas idea ever.  




These took FOREVER to paint. FOREVER. Like 6-8 hours each.




I wanted to quit after the first one but of course I had already bought all the plaster houses. It physically painful for me to waste things so I felt the need to paint most of them. Bleh.

Plus, returning them to the store required me getting dressed and combing my ratty hair, so that was out of the question.



They turned out amazing of course. Sometimes it's nice to have completely useless, unmarketable talents.
 


Ryan loves them. I even let him paint with me. His house has like, 30 coats of paint on it.



I mostly let him paint it so I wouldn't have to.
I'm such an awesome mom.

12.16.2013

Drool Mess and Cheese Ball


I am a pregnant mess, and now my pillow is too.

I woke up to this nastiness:



Yep..... Chocolate drool on my pillow layered with smears of pink lip-gloss.

The pink lip-gloss is pretty normal. The chocolate-flavored droll, however, is not.

It's now no longer a secret that I keep a huge stash of candy next to my bed that would make Willy Wonka jealous.


My lack of self control has led me to eat candy at regular intervals throughout the night. And judging by the mess on my pillow, I'm not too concerned about swallowing it before I fall back asleep.

The floor is littered with candy wrappers every morning.




Let's not even begin to discuss the fact that I bought a cheddar bacon cheese ball for myself last week.

 
And yes, I put it in a paper bowl because normal dishes aren't classy enough for cheese balls.

 

12.09.2013

Pregnancy Boobs


Recently, my normally small "B" cup overfloweth.



I've always had small boobs and have grown to appreciate them over the years.
There are a lot of good things about having smaller boobs than most 12 year olds.

  • Automatic member of the itty bitty titty committee
  • Too small to sag
  • No bouncing when going up/down stairs
  • No need to buy sports bras
  • When you hug people, your boobs don't try to assault them
  • Men look at your face when they talk to you
  • You can wear tight shirts without looking scandalous
  • Its easier to fold your arms
  • You don't have to lift them up to wash under them

But I confess, my inner 13 year old is stoked to have big boobs for once.


I feel like a perv because I stare at my cleavage more than Jared does.
Though I would never get a boob job, I plan on thoroughly enjoying my temporary knockers.

I'm even thinking of getting some classy pictures taken.





12.02.2013

Winkle Winkle Star


At the Scott house, we don't sing nighttime lullabies....we growl/yell them.




Here is a typical example of me trying to be a normal mom and singing my loving 2 year old to sleep:

(It is only audio because the lights were off.)


video



Does anyone know if specialized parenting classes are offered on the subject of "How to Hold in Your Laughter When Your Child Misbehaves"????

I desperately need to sign up for one.

11.29.2013

Suspicious Love Letters


I came home to poinsettias sitting beautifully on my table.
I love these flowers around the holidays.

They had a love note attached:


 
"To My Love"


A few days ago we were at the Home Depot and I wanted to buy a bunch of flowers but didn't since I will be in Utah for most of the Christmas season.
Jared was so sweet to think of me and surprise me with some!!!

He was totally going to get some action that night..... then I opened the card:




Some friends had left them on our porch and Jared hijacked them and tried to take credit before I got home.

He's so romantic.




11.25.2013

10 Ways To Keep A Toddler Busy


1. Leave your $15 styluses out so your toddler can hide under the table and bite the tips off all of them.



2. Give them a sheet of stickers.

3. Let them hide in 59¢ IKEA bags.





4. Buy them a goldfish. Subsequently bury goldfish in front yard.





5. Store a bin of beans within your two year old's reaching distance, then attempt to sleep in for 10 extra minutes. Quickly find out that 10 minutes is more than enough time to make a huge mess.




6. Hire a good babysitter. I recommend Netflix.

7. Have the guts/stupidity to store permanent markers in your house even though you KNOW your child was born with marker radar. Turn your head for .0035687 seconds so they have opportunity to express their artistic skill.




8. Accidentally show them where you hide the candy.

9. Let them play with your phone and call your boss's boss.... I'm sure your they will appreciate your child's repeated requests for facetime at 6:30am.

10. Let them play with questionable puzzle apps on your tablet.






See? Taking care of a toddler is easy!!!



11.22.2013

Bump On The Head

 
 
 
 
I have been a little more concerned about Cryin Ryan lately.
 
His massive head size seems to be causing him a lot of problems.
 
 
He can't seem to keep track of it. He is constantly running into things and getting huge bruises on it.
 
A two and a half year old body does not seemed to be equipped to handle their gigantic heads. It's like how scientifically, bumble bees should not be able to fly due to their large bodies and small wings, but they still fly...... 2 year old should not be able to walk with their large heads and small bodies, but they do.
 
Take that Physics.
 
They look like walking upside-down candy apples until they are 12 years old.
 
I guess it's better to have a big head than a small one. Small heads are kind of creepy.




Pee-Toddler jack his head up on the corner of our bed frame. he is smiling because after 20 seconds of crying he noticed a bug on the wall and was happy again.


 
 
His head injuries are probably why he thinks its fun to play with our cat's skull.

11.19.2013

Chucky's Skull


When Chucky died, we buried him across the street in the ravine.
2 weeks later, Jared found him dug up. A coyote had eaten the meat, but thoughtfully left the bones.

Since Jared is messed up, he brought the skull home and set it on our front porch.



It's kind of cool so I left it there.


Now Cryin' Ryan lovingly refers to the skull as "Chucky". He pets it and says goodbye to it when we leave our house. A little bit creepy but a lot funny.

Ryan still gets sad and confused because Chucky doesn't "work" anymore.


video


 Aw Man! No workins.....

amen.

11.16.2013

Worst Nightmare


Dude.
I had the worst nightmare ever.

I walked into my house and everything was destroyed. Everything was ripped apart and garbage was everywhere. My living room was stacked up with crap from our storage room. My refrigerator and microwave were hanging out in my front entryway.
A thick layer or dust coated every inch of my house (including Pee-Baby) even though I had dusted the day before.


Then I realized I wasn't sleeping:







I hate remodeling.
Jared loves it.
Both houses we have bought, Jared has remodeled. Living through 1 remodel is bad enough.

Dirt drives me crazy.

If I am committed to an insane asylum, you'll know why. Hopefully they'll let me out before I have baby #2.



P.S. I realize I'm a total douche for complaining that I get a New kitchen and bathrooms, but I'm pregnant and whiny and this is my blog..... M'kay? >: (


11.13.2013

Food Spitter



Ryan has been spitting out his food.
he chews it all up, holds it in his mouth for 10-45minutes then spits it out.



I find masticated food clumps everywhere. Under the table, in the corner, and once in my shoes. Sometimes I don't find it for a few days and I have to scrape it up like a dried-out crusty meatloaf.



We were at Wood Ranch with Jared's Aunt and Uncle and Pee-Baby stuffed his mouth with French fries.
20 min later when everyone was done Ryan looked at me with guilt in his eyes.
Knowing he was about to spit all over the table, I presented him with a napkin for discretion.

He slowly pushed out a 1/2 cup of chewed up French fries and saliva.
It was embarrassing.

Cryin' Ryan is a horribly picky eater. I don't fight him on this because that is one battle I'm not going to win. I make sure different foods are available for him and cheer him on when he eats something besides bananas or grapes.

I usually let Ryan's bad behaviors slide if they are funny or cute..... this is neither one of those things:




When it comes to the spitting, I'm lost.
We used to get mad at him, that didn't work.
Then I ignored him, in case he was doing it for attention, that didn't work.
Then I made him clean up his foul mess, that didn't work.
Now I just give him positive reinforcement when he spits in the garbage instead of the on the coffee table.


What would you do if your baby was gnawing on food then depositing it all over your clean house??? (Besides posting pictures of it on the internet to embarrass him when he's older.....)


11.12.2013

10 Things: Stuff I Won't Pay For



There are some things in the world that I refuse to pay for. There is also a bunch of crap I will never pay full price for.

Here are some of those things:

1. Manicures and Pedicures


It would literally be painful for me to hand over cash for someone to do my nails. I can do it myself. Plus I hate people and don't want to talk to a stranger that long.

2. Pens and Pencils

Do you know how many places give out free pens and pencils? Tons.

3. Toys

Ryan has a way too many toys. I go through and donate a bunch of them every few months. With Grandmas who love to spoil him and awesome friends who give us their hand-me-downs, I have never bought Ryan a toy.

4. Home Remodeling Labor

I have a Jared for that.

5. Landscaper/Gardener




We have 1/2 an acre in California, which is a small miracle. The problem is that the yard is a year-round job. Since we have been remodeling our yard has been neglected. It looks like a jungle. We got a quote from a gardener to see how much it would cost for upkeep every month. He quoted $400..... $400!!!! That included one guy coming every other week for two hours.
Since when did gardeners get paid $100 an hour?
I'm not paying for that. I'll just leave it looking like a mess until our kitchen is done.

6. Babysitters

Why pay someone when you can trade with friends? Plus the babysitters here in Camarillo are expensive. Like, $10 an hour for 1 kid expensive.
I was forced to get a babysitter the last time I was in Utah, and she charged $2/hour. Of course I paid her more because I felt like I was ripping her off. I don't like to rip off teenagers.

7. A Maid

There are times when I have seriously considered hiring one, but I cannot justify paying for something I should do myself. It doesn't help that I'm a clean freak and would probably re-clean everything after the Maid left anyway.


8. A Car Wash

Another thing I should do myself.

9. Full Price Clothing

I live right by the Camarillo Outlet Stores. I also keep friends from when I used to work in retail at Lucky and Joe's Jeans. $40 for $180 jeans..... yes please.
When I can't get a discount, I don't buy it.

10. Anything full price at Michaels craft store

I use the 40% off coupons shamelessly. I make Pee-Baby buy items for me if I need more than one item.



Boring post, I know. Here is a picture to make it better.





The end.


11.09.2013

How to Look Hot When You're Pregnant



I have crawled out from under my rock a few times the past month.

While I've been creeping around like a diseased rat, a couple people have asked "how do you look so good when your pregnant?!"



While I am flattered and appreciate the compliment, I just shake my head and think to myself, "if you only knew...."

But, being the altruistic person that I am, I've decided to divulge my pregnancy beauty secrets.


  • Only post pictures where you look good, keep the depressing ones to yourself. Use your other kids to mask your unattractiveness. See how I cleverly use Pee-Baby to cover up my 5 months pregnancy? Tricky, tricky.


  • Get crazy morning sickness that lasts the entire pregnancy. Chronic puking really helps keep my weight gain under control. Just be prepared to spend hours in bed and on your bathroom floor with no energy and lots of vomit crusted in your hair.
  • Wear 3 days worth of makeup every time you leave your house. When I feel I spackled enough on, I always add one more layer for extra security.
  • Lighten your hair. Blonder hair distracts people from my pregnancy induced ugliness.
  • On days that you actually do your hair, use a TON of hairspray so you don't have to do it again until the next month. 
  • Buy tricky maternity pants that hide your fat butt. I wear a lot of black and dark blue.


  • Also buy shirts that accentuate your baby bump. People will cut you a lot of slack if they know your growing a human. Remember: Hide your butt, Show your baby.
  • Since there is a good chance you are sleeping like crap - keep a bottle of eye drops on your person at ALL TIMES. Stoned red eyes are not attractive.
  • Most of my maternity pajamas look like work-out clothes. When I don't get dressed before I go out, I appear to be one of the annoying people who actually go to the gym....... instead of the snail that I am.
  • The best trick though, is to just stay in your house and keep your nastiness to yourself.




 Yes, Cryin' Ryan is dancing to Brittney Spears with his shirt half off.
Another typical day at the Scott household.



11.07.2013

At Least Pee-Baby Is Happy



I was sitting in bed cursing pregnancy and baby #2/Mason/Jack/Bobert/Gus/Harold.
I have been throwing up everyday. I can't tell you how many good meals I've wasted lately.

For months I have based my decisions on what to eat by how good I think it will taste when I throw it up. Taco bell nacho cheese is surprisingly good on the way back up..... Prime rib with horseradish and a side salad? No.





You'd think that since I throw up a ton, I wouldn't have poop problems. But I do. I get unbelievably constipated.

I also found out I had to start going to a high-risk doctor because my last baby jacked up my cervix during childbirth. Great. I hate doctors in general, but especially crotch doctors.

I was exhausted and feeling sorry for myself. Being pregnant sucks on days when your a wussy. Pee-Baby was laying by me watching Netflix and holding his monster trucks.

I was literally in the middle of an internal tirade against my fetus for making 9 months of my life harder.
Baby Ryan dropped his toys, leaned over and hugged me. Then he looked up at me and said "Mommy, I'm happy!" in his squeaky 2 year old voice.

I don't know if he was commenting on his life in general or the fact that I gave him candy for breakfast and let him watch Monster Truck Madness.

Either way it was touching.




I felt like the most ungrateful person ever..... with a side of jerk and an a-hole on top.
(BTW, I should draw a picture of that when I'm bored.)

9 months of nasty bodily functions, exhaustion, and doctors visits are sooooooo worth it.




11.05.2013

Mean Costume


I have been dying to dress Ryan as a garden gnome ever since he was 3 months old and started to bear an uncanny resemblance to our mythical friends.




It was not one of his proudest moments:




I had to cut a 3 inch slit up the back of CRyan's hat due to his massive head size. 



I was a bee........again. Let's be honest, I am lazy and will probably use this costume for the next 5 years.



Jared was whatever one is when they wear an $8 beard and $4 bandana.


Mountain man? Hobo? Sexual Predator?
Take your pick.
Either way, I'm the lucky girl that gets to make out with him later.



Also, I would like to take a moment to brag:

We went trick-or-treating with some friends in Old Town Camarillo.
Ryan said his 2 year old version of  "Thank You" at every house we went to.

It was probably because I made my mean face at him and made him stand there until he said it, but still..... he is growing into such a nice young man.