Valentines Day 2017: At Least I Tried

My mom always made holidays special for us as kids.

I want to do the same for my little crotch muffins.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to put more of an effort in making special days awesome for them. Especially since I forgot T-Bag's birthday last year.


I stayed up a solid 25 minutes after my bedtime decorating my house with stupid Valentine's day stuff. I only did it because kids love decorations.

 

I hate clutter so the fact that I put up decorations is a testament to how much I'm willing to sacrifice for my kid's happiness.

By the way, why do kids like decorations so much? It's freaking weird.



In my pregnancy induced stupidity, I thought it would be a good idea to leave a confetti trail on the carpet.
I am an idiot.
I sprinkled hundreds of tiny red glittery hearts down our entire hallway.

 

Don't ever do this. 
That picture does not illustrate the magnitude of glitter hearts that littered the hallway.

I realized what a bad decision this was immediately after the boys woke up, ran through them 50 times, and scattered them throughout the entire freaking house.
At least I tried.


After my late night decorating binge I started Valentines Day off right by making beautiful red pancakes for the boys.

The pancakes ended up looking more like raw hamburger patties, but my boys are used to my culinary failures.

At least I tried.

What I didn't fail at was the incredible heart-shaped peanut butter cookies I made later that night. That's the only thing I can make food-wise. cookies.

We had to go to Costco and because it was a day of dedicated to love, I let them do the thing they love most there. Jump in the pillow displays.

 I'm sure the employees love it too.

I even made a bunch of paper hearts and hid them around the house for the kids to find.

 I should of thought of this activity sooner. The kids loved it, and it kept them busy for 30 minutes which is a huge win in the parenting world.


I don't know if I can ever redeem myself for forgetting T-Bag's 2nd birthday, but at least I tried :)

Our White Trash Thanksgiving

March seems like a great month to start blogging again. I'm 8 months pregnant with kid #3 and I only puke 2-3 times a day, so things are really coming together for me.

Please excuse my out-of-order and extremely late blog topics for the next little while.


We had plans to spend Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with a few of my siblings and their families.
After living out of Utah for 10 years, having family around for the holidays is great. Mostly because they make me food.

Then I found out my morally questionable sister Rachel was bringing a few of her "friends".
Though I adore Rachel, she does not have the best taste in friends as they are always trashy and ethically challenged.

One of her last friends stole my Microsoft Surface Tablet from my house and tried to pawn it. It was awesome. I never got it back. I really need to take the time to write an entire post dedicated to that douche bag because the whole story is unbelievable (if you are a normal law-abiding citizen).

Either way, Rachel picks bad people to befriend and then brings them around our family. I really don't need myself, my kids, or my wallet anywhere near people like that.

I decided to kindly ditch out of my parents dinner invite. So did 2 of my brothers for the same reason.
It wasn't that big of a deal though. My parents understand, they locked up their wallets too.

I knew that with my natural class and hostessing skills I could have my own Thanksgiving dinner and it would be enchanting.

Ryan was really excited about the idea of cooking an entire turkey carcass, so I was basically obligated to buy an entire turkey for 2 adults and 2 small children.

Ryan was in heaven. He insisted on sitting by it in the cart.

And look what my little angel made at school:

Ryan also made a culturally appropriated headband and dubbed himself Chief Turkey Pants:

I'm glad he has a teacher who allows him to express himself.


On Thanksgiving day we went and saw a movie with my side of the family. I thought I would be all motherly and make the devil children and their cousins a pinterest-y treat.

Popcorn in a paper bag made to look like a turkey leg. Precious.

And it was especially precious since the butter leaked through and made it look authentically greasy.
The kids loved it.

We got home and started cooking.
Ryan and I made rolls.

Tyler dressed up like a rapist.

Husband cooked everything else. Don't be jealous my husband cooks :)

Ryan set the table super fancy:

He used our fancy black paper plates and was really proud of himself for it. 
He only set 3 place settings, because he said I don't need to eat since I throw up everything anyway and that we shouldn't waste good food like that.



Despite the white trashiness of our celebration the boys were happy and that's all I care about anyway.

A few days later when the kids broke the wishbone, Ryan won and wished all the adults in the world had to wear diapers and poop and pee themselves every day. cute.



By the way, have you ever seen a turkey neck? Because I never have, and when Jared pulled it out of the body I thought our turkey had come with a free sex toy... which I wasn't mad about. 

I hope you all had a Thanksgiving as magical as mine was.

Easter 2016

My parents went out of town for Easter so they surprised my terror children with an early Easter egg hunt. They are my best parents ever.

We went to a family Easter egg hunt with my Dad's side of the family. That's one good thing about Utah. Family stuff. And free food.

Ryan is obsessed with my 11 year old cousin Ty.
Ty's sister is my kid's regular babysitter so they play together a lot.
Ty is freaking awesome with him. He plays with him for hours.

Ryan says when he grows up, he only wants to live with Cousin Ty.
I told him it's not socially acceptable in Utah, but if he moved to San Francisco he could find acceptance.






Since I forgot Tyler's 2nd birthday earlier this month, I figured I better put in a little more effort for Easter.

I'm not big on buying my kids a ton of toys for each holiday. I know people who for real spend over a $100 per kid on Easter presents. $100!!!!!!!! On toys!
My cheap A** cannot fathom spending that much.

Let's face it. They are middle-class white kids who live in the suburbs and have more toys than they need.

I don't want to spoil them and I don't want my house looking like Toys R Us, so instead of toys they get random food and whatever candy I've been craving.
 They are still stoked Easter morning and I don't have to find storage for more toys they won't play with after 10 minutes. Win.


Last year the Easter Bunny left an awesome treasure hunt for Ryan to find his basket. This year Ryan was hoping there would be another equally awesome treasure hunt.
Before he went to bed he had me write a note and leave out some old flaccid carrots that we found at the back of the fridge.

By the time the kids fell asleep I was feeling pretty un-Eastery.
I wasn't in the mood to make an elaborate treasure hunt, so I just hung up some balloons. Kids like balloons, right?

I also bought them some cereal and some cookies since we needed some snacks around the house anyway. Look how much of my favorite candy is displayed. They had no idea that I was planning on eating a good portion of it. And I did.





I did actually get a couple things just for them. $3 bubbles and a $15 slip and slide. We have a hill in our yard and the slip and slide is going to be magical once it's warm enough to use it. The boys were giddy about both the bubbles and the slide.

See? When you set low expectations, they are happy with anything.

Notice if you will, the lazy sign I made from the Easter bunny making an excuse as to why I didn't hook them up with a treasure hunt.
Ryan understood and wasn't mad about it.

However, he was a bit skeptical of the questionable bunny print/signature I threw on at the end.

I fumbled around trying to make up an excuse as to why the bunny print looked so jacked up. I couldn't think of any plausible excuse so I just changed the subject and offered him a bunch of candy for breakfast.

We did a lot of Easter crafts that day to make up for my lame attempt at being the Easter bunny. The kids were still excited the whole day and loved everything so I guess I still win?

Merry Freaking Christmas

Look at how Utah-y my Christmas card is this year.

Skunk Tail

I thought I would be a cool mom and dress up to go Trick-or-Treating.
I had splurged and bought skunk accessories mainly because there was a chic on the package dressed as a sexy skunk and I thought it was funny that someone thought dressing up as an animal that sprays stink out it's b-hole was sexy.

I put a big bowl of candy and a sign on the front porch for other Trick-or-Treaters because I'm not lame enough to not contribute to the cause. (Of course it was gone when we got home.)

Also, when we were home I gave extra candy to any teenagers because I always Trick-or-Treated as a teen and got super mad when people were annoyed at us and said we were too old.

You think teenagers don't like dressing up and getting free candy? Well, they do.

We got all dressed up and ready to go out.
I ran to the bathroom since I have given birth twice and now have to pee like a fire hose all the time.

I hurried and came out of the bathroom and noticed my pants felt wet. I looked behind me and there was a trail of water on the floor. I followed it back to the toilet.

I thought, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

I forgot about my skunk tail when I peed and it had marinated in the toilet while I went. AND the remnants were all over the floor.

I cleaned it up fast and tried to wash my tail in the sink. I was not about to waste $8 and not wear my skunk outfit.

I met Jared in front of the house. He asked why my tail was wet.
I told him it's not his problem and he needed to mind his own business..... after he took a picture.

We went all around the neighborhood with my wet tail sloshing behind me like a dead fish. It was uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable because of the wet tail but also uncomfortable because of my level of disgusting-ness.

Also, one of the reasons I wanted to go Trick-or-Treating was to peek in all my neighbors beautiful houses. They were super nice inside and now I hate them all even more. Especially Amy and Eliza.

P.S. Also, last week I let a marshmellow melt in my crotch at the doctor's office. Disgusting.

Polygamist Chic

I've got 99 problems, but a Halloween costume ain't one.

I found this Polygamist style dress in my mom's costume closet last year.

I have been spiritually bonded with it ever since.

I knew the universe had put this dress in my path for a reason, and that reason was for me to wear it on Halloween.

But last year as Halloween approached, my mom totally betrayed me (and the dress) by lending it out to someone else.
In Utah, Polygamist dresses like this are in high demand.
My 2014 Halloween was ruined and I had to be a crappy skeleton.

I wasn't about to lose the dress again, so I stole it, hid it in the back of my closet, rubbed my face against it everyday, and patiently waited for an entire year to wear it again.

My parent's costume party was last weekend, and I knew my special moment had arrived.

When it come to anything inappropriate or offensive, I like to think of myself as an overachiever.
I knew the most important part of a Sister-Wife costume was the hair, so I was going to do it the best I could.

While searching for ideas I came across one of the most magical YouTube videos I have ever had the pleasure of viewing:

Did you notice the uplifting music in the background?!? Probably not, since you were too busy taking notes.

I also got a few more style tips from this life changing blog:

Polygamy Chic

By the time I was all dressed and ready to go I couldn't even look in the mirror. I was a little ashamed/giddy that I looked so authentic. I probably have Sister-Wife blood running through my veins.

You know how some girls dress up as a slutty version of whatever they are for Halloween, like a slutty cop, a slutty witch, a slutty Disney princess, or a slutty mom?

Well, I thought about modifying the costume to be the slutty version of a Sister-Wife but I was already showing my ankles and Jared could barely keep his hands off of me as it was:

Look at my shoes and nervous face.

This picture maybe took it a little to far.

I could not even handle myself by the end of night.

When I tried to have serious conversations I knew there was nothing I could say that would distract people from the fact that I had on a fancy lace bib/collar.

It was especially awesome that Jared and I were the only adults really dressed up. 

BTW, does anyone know where I can meet hot young polygamist singles (or married, whatever...) in my area?



Note: While I have deep respect for religious freedom and individual's agency, I reserve the right to make fun of clothing and awesome hairstyles as I see fit.

Christmas 2014

  

 

Since it's August I figure it's a perfect time to recap last year's Christmas.

 

Most Mom Blogs chronicle the lives of their families. Where they are going, who they visit, what they eat, or the cute things their kids did.

 

 

I prefer to outline some of what goes on in my messed up brain and pepper it with nastiness.

 

But, since I'm Mormon and Mormons love journaling, I'm going to freaking journal.

 

My parents live in the outskirts of Herriman with all the mountain folk. It's pretty fancy. They even have gates at the entrance to keep all the old people in.

 

Can I just say that I adore mountain folk?

 

An older couple threw the best Christmas party ever, ever, ever. They invited everyone in their closed community and told them to bring kids and grandkids.

I don't know about you, but I hate paying for strange children to have fun. Gross.

 

About 60 kids attended and everyone was super grossed out.

 

They had the party in their cute horse barn, with all the horses in their stables so people could pet them.

 

 

 

I even wore flannel so I would blend in with the natives.

 Some guy dressed as Santa and rode in on horseback, then all the kids got a ride.
The best part was that Santa handed out presents to ALL THE KIDS. ALL 60ISH OF THEM.

Every kid got a handmade knitted hat, scarf, and a big cozy blanket. Thats a lot of knitting. It turned out that 3 elderly ladies had been knitting all year in preparation for this party. They sat to the side as every kid got excited and cozied up in their new knitwear. They were grinning and laughing more than the children. How awesome.
This just reinforces my love for old people.

They also had food and hot chocolate which is braggable.

 

Of course, during the holiday season we hit up a few family parties. Husband got a really fancy white elephant gift:

Shave with me Barbie, courtesy of my cousin Alyssa. It had real human hair glued all over the legs and armpits.

Utah has this train ride that the turn into the polar express for the holidays. It was amazing and the kids loved it.

 

We had barely moved into our house, boxes were everywhere, but the Christmas tree was up. We didn't have a tree because I am cheap and whiney. My parents let me barrow on of their sets of tree decorations. I actually picked these out for them a few years ago, so of course the tree was awesome.


Then my awesome parents said they matched my house perfectly and GAVE them to me!!! I was stoked since I knew how much the entire set up cost. A lot.

We made/destroyed gingerbread houses.

Ryan had a good time peeing in the snow, but also liked when I filled water guns with food color.

 

 

 

It was soooooo awesome being near family for the holidays, but I missed California.

 

I creeped around my :favorite Grandma Alice and my mom. Gross.

I LOVE Christmas more than a human should.

Is it too early to start decorating now?

Just kidding. I hate clutter.