Wiping Butts

Is it weird I still wipe my 4 year olds butt?

I insist on wiping all my kids butts until they pass a rigorous proficiency test that proves they are capable of thoroughly cleaning their own areas.


Poop is disgusting, I hate it.

No. Look me square in the computer monitor so I know your with me.

I. FREAKING. HATE. POOP.

I've written extensively about my professional hatred of sh*t.



I use 7-10 wipes every time I change Baby Kenley's diaper.

My Husband is ridiculously frugal and almost vomits every time he witnesses my wasteful wipee usage.

It's caused significant probs in our marriage. Worth it though.
I'm not about to use one wipe and let baby crap seep through onto my hands.

Back to wiping my 4 year olds butt though.....

I don't want him to do a sub-par job and then I have to scrub the residual skid marks out of his undies. GROSS.

When it comes to wiping your kid's butt, how old is too old?

A while ago, my friend Christie was APPALLED that I still wiped Cryin Ryan's butt. He was around 4 years old at the time.
She said she would literally kill herself if she was still wiping her kid's bum at that age.

That was the first time I looked inward and realized that I couldn't wipe his butt till he goes to college (although I am a fantastic mom so I totally would.)

I seriously googled "how to teach your kid to wipe his own ass".

One of the articles suggested demonstrating it.
Like, I'm supposed to pantomime wiping my own rear end in front of my children?
No thank you Mam', I have already messed up my kids enough.

And I really don't want my kids telling the neighbors how "mommy pulls down her pants and we saw her butthole."


I know butt-wiping is a skill everyone should master. And as a devoted mother, is it my job to teach them.
I just really don't want to scrub it out of their underwear though!!!...….

That's DIS-GUST-ING.

I'm not about to wash poop undies with the rest of our laundry. 
I gag when I think about poop undies, Tide detergent, my clothes, and fabric softener marinating together in a washing machine. 
*dry heaves.

I have thrown multiple pair of undies away because a miniscule speck of turd was on it.
Frugal husband wasn't happy about that game plan either.

I know I'm going to have to teach Tyler, my precious little angel of a 4 year old, to wipe in the near future.

Pray for me and all the poop stamps that will litter my household and permeate his clothing.

(Innapropriate) Maternity Photos: Part II

READ PART I HERE!


I'm still obsessed with how pretty my maternity dress was.
 

I just can't seem to feel attractive when I'm throwing up, peeing my pants, and chronically constipated.
BUT, my photographer, Ashley, captured incredible pics that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have felt during a pregnancy.
(BTW, her instagram is magical: ashbridgewater.jpg)

I didn't want to take the dress off.
(The dress was made by Sew Trendy which is also magical. Don't be mad my high school friend owns the company.)

So I came up with a few more ideas to complete the photo shoot.

Ashley is a consummate professional but agreed to document my bad decisions.

I really don't know what to say about the following pictures.

We went to a famed Utah strip club off State Street.
I took a couple pics outside, because I didn't think the club managers would actually let me in to take pictures.

 It's amazing how good the photographs are considering Ashley and I couldn't stop laughing.


We walked inside and asked the super nice and super hot receptionist if I could embarrass myself.

She got the manager for us.

He was laughing super hard about my idea and said I could even get on a stage if I wanted.

WHAT?!?!

It's always been a childhood dream of mine to be a pregnant stripper in a fancy dress.

I guess Tuesdays are slow for strip clubs because there weren't that many guys there.
Which was totally fine since I already paid my bills that month.

Before I went in, I was a little worried the girls who worked there would be a little mad about me for basically making fun of their jobs.

Instead, the girls were totally laughing at the idea and helped us as much as they could.

They aren't dumb. They treat stripping as a means to an end and have no problem poking a little fun at it.

They gave me posing tips (even though I still look awkward af) and the burly 40-somthing-year-old bouncer fixed my gown so it would be especially beautiful.

 I try not to judge people but I really didn't expect all the girls and staff to be so funny, nice, and helpful.
Thanks pretty Salt Lake City strippers.


Next stop was one of my most favorite places in the world.

Taco Bell💗

Taco Bell was pretty much the only thing I ate this whole pregnancy. Baby #3 is practically made out of chicken chalupas and nachos with extra cheese, so I wanted to honor that.

 By the way, not only is Ashley Bridgewater a good photographer, but is also an excellent burrito eater. She was probably pretty popular in high school.

I really wanted my maternity photos to tell a story.
Something like, girl is pregnant, girl gets fancy dress, girl go to strip club, girl is hungry, girl eats chalupas, girl pees behind dumpster.

Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face when you are laughing at how clever you are?

By the way, can I just say that I am so flattered and grateful that anyone reads my blog? Making people smile, laugh, or get seriously offended, fulfills me in ways you can't imagine.
So really. Thanks for reading.





P.S. If you are offended by anything here, please email me at emilybarlocker@yahoo.com so I can show my friends and save it in my "funny stuff" folder.

 Also I got a few other suggestions for the photo shoot, one having to do with a hanger and shop vac, so really, this could of been a lot worse. (You know who you are person that thought of that 💗.)

3 Kids is Not That Fun

I'm still alive b*tches.


It's been a long time since I've blogged.

 I am a different person now.

A person who is less hopeful.
A person who wears pajamas until 1pm.
A person who looks solemnly outside while placing a gentle hand on the window.
A person who wipes butts 50 times a day.


I am a person with 3 kids.

I had baby #3 at the end of April and joined the worst club in the world.
The Mom of 3 Children Club.
And this Club sucks.


Hey moms with 3 or more kids!!!:

How are you still sane???

Or, more importantly, how do you fake being sane???

Having 3 kids is kind of making me crazy.


I thought 3 kids wouldn't be that big of a deal for me.
I've worked with kids my whole life. I used to BE a kid!
 And child #2 was a breeze, so I figured #3 would be similar.

People were not kidding when they said that 3 kids sucks because you only have two hands. It's incredible how often ALL THREE of my kids need something at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME.

Taking them out in public is akin to getting sucker-punched in the crotch.
It's unbelievably painful and can leave you in tears.

I was at the grocery store yesterday. I was carrying baby #3 in a Baby wrap on my chest, Cryin' Ryan, and T-bag were running around me and the shopping cart. It was a circus.
Then baby #3 started scream-crying. I forgot the pacifier.

She screamed the entire 20 minutes we were there.

I was pissed off but determined to finish shopping. There was no way I was leaving and coming back later.
Have you ever loaded 3 small children into a car?!?!?! It's not fun.

People were staring at us while shaking their heads with a small smile - like they were sending me the message, "Good for you, taking your feral children to the store.... your doing the best you can <3."


Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you the good news!

Just kidding, I'm not pregnant. It's just Taco Bell and residual baby weight.

My kids are lucky I adore them because they really suck my will. And ultimately, who else can I talk to at 6am about how many bullets I think it would take to kill a dinosaur?


And you know what? Even though having 3 kids is kicking my butt, I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to mom my butt off - and I will be the mommiest mom ever.

Stupid Things I've Cried About While Being Pregnant

This is actually hard for me to admit, but being pregnant with baby #3 has left me a sobbing mess.

I'm not a cryer.
I hate crying.

I have a sick sense of pride that tears rarely leave my body.

My first two pregnancy's had no effect on my emotions. I felt normal as far as emotions went.

A lot of people say that being pregs with girls is different than being pregs with boys.

As I looked back over the last 37 weeks, I realized what a crying little wuss I've been.
I don't know if it's because my baby has a vagina or if I'm turning into one.

The extra embarrassing part is what I cry about. It's the stupidest stuff ever. I would never shed tears over this stuff in real life.

Here is some of the stupid stuff I've been blubbering about:

• My hair.

I got my hair done a month ago. It was too blonde, so I cried 4 days in a row until I got it fixed. I even cried in front of Husband and it was super embarrassing.

Look how yellow/orange it was.
I sobbed about this on the phone to my mom. I know it's just hair. Embarrassing.

• Jared and I didn't have sex before he went out of town.

Because now he thinks I'm fat and ugly and he doesn't love me anymore. I just know it. And what if he dies and that was my last chance to bang him?

Don't worry though. I called him, he turned his car around, and came home for a quickie. 

• A video of a precious moment between a mom and baby. 

It made me cry but that didn't stop me from watching it 20 times.

• The baby's room was a mess.

 Yeah, I whimpered about this too. Then I just organized it and was fine. 

• I threw up in public.

I'm no stranger to throwing up in public, I do it all the time when I'm knocked up.
But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester it suddenly makes me cry.
I don't cry until I get home, but still.

• I scratched my car.

I don't even care about my car. I don't need the newest or coolest car.

There is a reason I drive an older inexpensive car, and that reason is because I like not stressing out about it. But you better believe I cried about scratching the car I don't care about. Why? Cause I'm pregnant.

• I peed my pants for the 8937089286th time.

It's frustrating and I'm sick of doing extra laundry. Plus, my 5 year old harasses and bullies me about it.

• A guy hit on me at the grocery store.

That is so freaking disgusting to me. A guy is really interested in hooking up with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby? Ew, Gross. He was even wearing an Ed Hardy-esque shirt with rhinestones. What kind of world am I bringing a baby into?

• My brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Jenny, threw me a little birthday party.

It was so cute and unexpected. It was so nice of them. They made my favorite french dip sandwiches and got me cupcakes.

They bought me flowers and a meat stick.

 AND a freaking Raptor skull because skulls make me happy.

It was so nice. Of course I cried.

• I can't see my pubes good enough to trim them.

What is my ob/gyn going to think? I want to be judged by the content of my character and not my pube situation.




This is just a small sampling of all the stupid stuff I've cried about. Hopefully I'm not the only pregnant girl that does this.
WWHHAAAHHH!

I'm Grosser Than Normal and It's Because I'm Knocked Up

I haven't blogged in a couple of months because I am a huge disgusting mess.

Disclaimer:
Let me just start off by saying how grateful I am that I get to have another baby. I know a lot of people who can't get pregnant or have to pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments.

I know it's horribly dumb to be complaining about being pregnant.
But I just feel like the readers of this blog have an exceptionally good sense of humor and forgive me of my pettiness.
Despite my rants, I know I'm lucky and am super grateful for the relentless hell that is pregnancy.


K.
Let's talk some pregnancy trash.


Usually it takes Jared and I a while to get pregnant, so I was surprised that after banging for a month, I was already knocked up.

I thought I had a solid 6 months - 1 year of non-pregnant bliss.

I don't understand the women who love being pregnant.
And I especially hate the girls who look extra glow-y and beautiful for those 9 months.

I am a nasty troll when I'm with child.
My whole body becomes a petri dish of disgusting-ness.

• I vomit like it's my job. 

I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks from throwing up so much. The first 3 months I lost 14 pounds. I looked like a dying sallow-skinned sea turtle.
I carry around Ziploc bags so I can puke on the go.

• My adult acne gets offended by all the extra hormones and brings it's wrath upon my face.

I have always broken out worse during pregnancy, but this time it's amazingly worse. I look like I have Syphilis and I am not amused. I already feel gross from throwing up all the time, I don't need extra zits right now.  

• Pretty much every time I puke, I also pee my pants a little bit.

It's so classy and I love doing the extra laundry.
Some days when I throw up more than usual, I don't even change my pants inbetween pees. I just let it ride because I know I'll be peeing in them again in the next 30 min.

You are probably thinking how I am one of the grossest girls ever, and you would be right. 

• I am nasty in public.

I was at the post office right before Christmas. There was a long line of about 25 people. I was halfway through the line, when I had to whip out my Ziploc bag and puke into it. I wasn't about to lose my place in line so I just vomited/peed in front of everyone, zipped up the throw up, and stayed in line like nothing happened.


I also have to confess that my kids have watched more TV in the last couple of months than they have watched their entire lives, and I don't even care.
I've got more important things to worry about, like doing kegal exercises in a vain attempt to stop peeing my pants.

Oh yeah, I'm due May 3, 2017 it's a girl.
And I know she is going to be the worst thing ever and a total ho, because Karma.

Contour Fail / Mustache Win

Have you ever watched the beauty guru channels on YouTube?
They are addicting-ly fabulous.

 NikkieTutorials

jeffreestar

Why am I so late to this enchanting party?

I love makeup. It hides my adult acne, my eyebrow situation, and my insecurity.
I wear makeup everyday. I feel better when I am all ready and put together. It makes me feel like I can handle the shitshow day. 


If I didn't pull myself together and looked like a dump, I would straight up sit on my couch all and make sweet love to Netflix.

When I was 18-20 I worked as a manager at Victoria's Secret Beauty. This was 10-12 years ago when 1/2 of the store was all makeup, lotion, and edible massage oil.

Everyone knew how to do makeup decently well, we were good enough to sell it.
This was before the internet, YouTube, and Sephora.


After watching these videos, I now see the error in my crappy makeup skills.

My 18-20 year old self is embarrassed.

Speaking of Sephora, almost every time we go, Titty Monkey Tyler sneaks $30 lipsticks and applies it all over his face, until I realize what he's doing.
Then I take a picture.

I mean, I could stop him, but why would I want to? 

It's precious.
The employees love us there.

I've been wanting to try the whole face contouring thing and bought this Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit.
Mostly because it looked like it had buttloads of class.

(source)

It was so fancy that I felt like every time I handled it, I should have my pinky finger raised in the air.

I watched 327 contouring tutorials, took 6 hits of acid, said a prayer, and went to work.
And by acid, I mean goldfish crackers.


I tried hard, I really did.
But after 20 minutes of beauty blending I lost focus. Do people really take this long to put on foundation? I have butts to wipe, laundry to do, and a short attention span.

On a normal day I spend 10 minutes doing ALL my makeup. 

I felt like I had a thick layer of shellac on my face, but it still looked pretty much the same. I clearly need more talent than a makeup store at the mall afforded me.

I tried to redeem myself by doing sexy shimmer eye shadow but ended up looking like an amateur drag queen (which could have been awesome if I wasn't a stay at home mom).

I'm sure the Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit is lovely, in the hands of a professional. 


Given Tyler's affinity for makeup, he stood and watched me fumble my way through my makeup.

It was so sweet because even though my face was a mess, he still asked me to put some on him.
It's like he loves me for who I am and not what I do.


When I was done with Tyler's summer glam look, he really wanted me to finish it off with a mustache.

Then he wanted me to finish mine with a mustache too.
My face was jacked up, so at this point a mustache could only help.
And it's not like I've never had a dirty sanchez before.

Next, he wanted "mom's other hair" and when I realized what he meant, I was glad it wasn't my pubes.

When I made him wash the makeup off, he totally over reacted.
He ran in his room and cried like an angry elf for 10 minutes.

At least Husband and I know that if we ever have a girl, she will be incredibly good looking.

Boob Milk

We need to talk about breastfeeding.

Why is there so much angst and controversy about breastfeeding?
A lot of people get so worked up about topic and I don't get it. 

I breastfed both my kids in public, but I always used a cover.
I don't want creepers sneaking a peek of my frost detectors.

My sis Megan has no qualms about naked-boob-feeding anywhere. Even in front of our family.
I would feel really weird about my dad and brothers seeing my nips, and the thought makes me squirm a little.

This is not a judgment on Megan, it's just how I personally handle my titties.
She should do whatever she wants. 

While I cover up, I don't understand the problem a lot of people have with exposed-boob public breastfeeding.
It's just boobs, people.

Why are some people so offended when when they see a mom's boobs while she's feeding her baby?

If the mom was like squirting her milk all over everyone, then I could see how that might be offensive. Or if she was breastfeeding everyone else's kids too. Or if she tried to breastfeed your husband.... That could be weird.


But with all the evil things happening in our world you would think it's nice to see a mother caring for and feeding her child.

Source: http://www.running-mom.com/breastfeeding-in-public.html

It's sweet. It's innocent. It's just boobs.

Plus, one time I saw this girls nips and boob-matter while she was breastfeeding in public, and I survived and continued to live my life. 


Also, I don't understand why some moms judge other moms for not breastfeeding.
Who cares? Breastfeeding doesn't work out for everyone. Not every woman loves it.

Breastfeeding Ryan was a pain in the tits.

I only fed him for 6 months and couldn't wait to be done. I breastfed Tyler for 10 months and it was only slightly more enjoyable since it meant I had to sit down and read a book for 30 minutes.

I had some other moms throw judgemental comments my way because I didn't breastfeed "long enough."

I can't imagine the remarks that mothers who don't breastfeed have to put up with.
I've heard people say women who don't breastfeed do not bond with their children, they are selfish,  and that their tits are not flat and flopping as the rest of us.

Non-breastfeeding moms -
If it makes you feel better, know that I support your non-breastfeeding decisions. I am here for you. I will talk with you about your perky boobs as much as you want.

I get that a lot of women LOVE it.
And good for them. If some mothers choose to do extended breastfeeding and feed their kids longer than "normal", who cares?

My friend Christie will probably breastfeed her little boy until he goes to college.
No big deal though. Her kid is nice, chill, and adorable.

I'm sure she gets some sideways glances because she can eat whatever she wants and stays thin while still having big chesticles.

How about all us moms not worry about each others boobs, because it's actually not a big deal.

Let's just all be breast friends.

Fasionable Pictures of Myself From The 1990's

I don't know how wise it is to post these pictures.

Now they will be available for anyone to blackmail me with.
Plus, I'm probably going to attract a lot of stalkers because of how incredible I look.

Thankfully, I am not burdened with wisdom.


I re-found these photos last week and cannot believe how stylish and good looking I was a kid.

I wonder what my mom was thinking when she bought me this catastrophe of a dress. Was she mad at me that day? Was I being punished? We may never know.

Look at this fine young specimen of a 4th grader.

That bow on top of my head would have been cute if I was 6 months old.
I remember this day well. It was my first day of 4th grade at a new school.

I thought I looked so awesome, and I was right.

I had picked this outfit out myself and styled it with a chic black belt so my shorts would stay up as high as possible. I did my own hair and hair-sprayed my home-permed hair thoroughly because I wanted to look this good even after recess.



I bet you never thought I was such a cool kid.

My pose here says, "I may have stole this shirt from my brother but I know I'm looking hot, and by the way, I have an attitude."

These cool contemporary backdrop pictures were not included with the normal school pictures.

I begged my parents to buy them since I thought I looked so awesome/radical. They bought them for me because I think they felt bad about the red polka dot dress.

I cut up the photos into the little individual squares, wrote personalized notes on the back, and handed them out to literally everyone I knew.

I was pretty satisfied with myself and looking back, I can see why.


Then I pulled out this treasure:

DAAANNNNNNGGGGGGG.

This picture is majestic.

Notice, if you will:

1. Large bow in my crunchy permed hair.

2. My bangs combed to the side because I was too cool for bangs that day.

3. Necklace made from a rolled up bandana and painted wood pieces from Micheal's.

4. FANNY PACK.

5. Fashion-forward modeling pose to show how cultured I am.

I even wrote on the back of this picture  -  You in you moddiling stage!  -  like I knew my 32 year old self would find it one day and wonder what was going on and why I was such a good model.

I hate myself so bad right now.

I Forgot T-Bag's Birthday

On March 5, my cute little spawn of Satan turned 2 years old.

Too bad I forgot.

My parents called and wanted to come over to drop off a present for him. I was all confused. I thought it was weird they were giving out random presents, but I like free stuff so I just went with it.

About 10 minutes later I realized it was Tyler's birthday.

He's little and doesn't know the difference so I didn't feel bad... But then I felt extra bad for not feeling bad initially.
I knew his birthday was coming, but when the actual day came, it slipped my mind. #motheroftheyear

That weekend we pretended it was his birthday again.

I bought him a couple presents to open.

And we let the boys decorate/destroy the birthday cake.

Tyler loved it.

So far I haven't seen any signs of resentment from him for forgetting his birthday.
I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that when he's a teenager.

Even though Tyler may be a terror child at times, I love, love, love, love, love, love him.

Here's why:

- He never cries when I put him to bed.
- When he wakes up he just hangs out in his crib chillin out until I come get him. Sometimes he might yell "Mam!" or "Ded!" if he hears us walking around.
- He is weirdly happy every time he wakes up.
- He smiles all the time.
- He laughs in my face when I try to discipline him, then I laugh and he gets out of trouble.
- He adores Ryan and tries to do everything with him.

- When it's time to eat, he always gets out 2 dishes. One for him and one for Ryan.
- He loves when Husband comes home from work, Tyler runs at him and yells, "Deddy's home!"

- He likes to give hugs while shrieking, "Huggy!!!"
- His favorite show is Barney, and it's the most annoying thing ever.
- He sings bedtime songs with me every night.
- If Jared, Ryan, or I are ever gone, he gets worried and will constantly ask for the missing person. He needs us all together.

- He cleans up messes he makes. For real. It is awesome.
- He answers his own questions and gives himself permission to do anything - "Mam, jewelry box? ok.", "Cheetos, ok.", "Color on wall? ok."
- He is friendly and often says hi to strangers and gives them hugs. It makes some people really uncomfortable. Don't worry, I carry a knife to shank any would-be kidnappers.

There are a million other reasons I adore him too.

It's still shocking to me how much you can love your kids.

Next year, I'm totally going to remember his birthday. Probably.