My Kids Hate Me, And I'm Cool With It

I'm the type parent that feels like the more hate you cultivate (wait, did I just rhyme? I knew I should of been a white girl rapper......)

Continuing on,
I feel like the amount of hate my kids feel towards me is directly related to how good of a parent I am.

Exponential hate is the best kind of hate.

I'm not talking about severe amounts of hatred, I'm talking about HEALTHY amounts.
Just enough so that they resent you in their early 20's but they'll still visit you on Sundays.

Like, If my kids think it's cool to not eat the dinner I made for them, you can count on me to emotionally berate them and/or guilting them into eating it.

I'm not about to cook them food without the expectation they would eat that crap.
I HATE COOKING, but I DON'T HATE yelling at my unappreciative kids.

Or what if they think its cool to not pee before we leave the house?
Imma emotionally abuse them until they march into that bathroom right now and at least give it a try.

One time, T-Bag Tyler was yelling in the house and I took it up a few decibels to show him who was louder.

Nothing makes me want to make an appointment with planned parenthood more than when my kids yell in the freaking house.

That gets real old, REAL fast.

It's my job as a mediocre parent to teach them the ways of our cruel world and if that involves them hating me sometimes, I accept it.

I can't handle the parents who want their kids to love them 100% of the time. Where is the fun in that?
It's your responsibly and God given right to piss your kids off.

I LOATHED my parents a solid 89% of my formative years and look at me now. I turned into a semi-productive citizen who generally obeys the law. And I LOVE my parents now.

Discipline those little punks when they throw at fit in public, steal from your candy stash, or poop in a urinal at school.

Have some fun with it and get creative.
They'll still love you.... just not for a few hours.

Right Arms - After Kids

If you don't get this drawing, you are too pure and good to be reading my blog.
Do yourself a favor and read something else!
I still appreciate you though.

To everyone who understands my jokes, you are my people. 💓💓💓

Happy Valentine's Day!

I know you all can relate.

Remember you can follow me on instagram now @emilyscottstuff

  

MOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

This happens to me 20 times a day, so I decided to draw it.

Oh yeah, I'm cool enough to have an Instagram account now: @emilyscottstuff
Follow me! Or don't... whatevs.
But if you do decided to follow me, please have extremely low expectations for quality content.

Boobs and Butts

Remember how huge boobs used to be all the rage?
Well don't worry my large-breasted friends, big boobs are still cool.

Do you know what's even more popular now though?
BUTTS. Where. your. poo. comes. out.

A ton of people are getting boob and butt jobs.

I was always pretty bitter having small breasts but now I have to deal with my insufficient butt too.  It's not right.


I took a bunch of African-American History/Sociology classes in college because that stuff is fascinating and also because I want to be black.
I was usually one of the only white students.

One lecture was about stereotypical differences in White people and Black people.

Someone said - There's the stereotype that Black girls have big booties and White chicks have no booty.

Then another dude says - That's no stereotype, that's true. Look at  Shaniqua's butt then look at Emily's...... See?!?!?!

I had to stand up and offer proof of my insufficient white booty.

Then I felt sad in my heart because even though parts of me are black on the inside, I knew I would never be black on the outside.


Everywhere I look in our society I see big tits and huge bums and it's not fair.

Girls are always posting skanky pictures of themselves all over social media.

It is probably offensive to many people who look at my profile and don't find soft-core porn selfies. (And to those of you who are offended by my lack of nudity, I apologize.)
I thank the good Lord everyday that social media and camera phones were not around during my high school and college days.  

My boobs were never something to brag about but breastfeeding my two kids has destroyed what little credibility I had.
My chest is literally inverted. Here, I will draw you a classy diagram:

Ummm.... yeah.


When girls I know get boob jobs I applaud them, then work up an unhealthy amount of jealousy.

I would love perky adult sized boobies.
I would take such good care of them. I would feed them, walk them, make sure they were socialized so they'd be nice around children and other people's boobs.
I would love to have a legitimate reason to wear a sports bra.
It would be cool to not be mistaken for an 11 year old boy. 

But every time I consider getting a Breastical Augmentation, I just can't do it.

Walking around with two bags of silicone in my body seems so biologically wrong.
Sleeping on my stomach would be difficult.
What if the surgery goes bad, my boobs come out looking like tube socks and I end up on Dr. Phil?
What if when I  have another baby and the baby doesn't like the taste of silicone?
Touching my elbows together would be borderline pornographic.
Skipping and jumping rope would be out of the question.



But even while I feel my butt and boobs are inferior, I find solace in the fact that every time I go online, "Hot, Young Singles" are looking to meet me for only $29.99/month.

Vasectomy Consideration

Husband and I both come from large loving families with 7 wonderful children each.
Which is why, before we got married, we vowed never to have that many kids.

I never had a special set number of kids that I wanted. I figured I would play it by ear and the universe or my spirit animal would tell me when my family was complete.

Well, lately Jared and I have had discussions regarding a vasectomy.

I seriously can't get enough of kids. They are so cute, funny, and innocent.

I LOVE kids..... just not my own.


The problem is neither the universe or my spirit animal has given me any signs on what to do.

That's why I made this handy flow chart to help me and everyone else:

Hopefully this helps some people with their decision.



P.S. I drew an ugly picture of Ryan and he laughed and thought it was the funniest thing ever, so I guess I don't really hate my kids and will probs have more. ugh.

Art-ing

Everyone who knows me knows that basically, I suck at life. My few redeeming qualities include: man harassment,  the uncanny ability to go for days without a shower, making elf babies, wasting time and ART.

I am a little good at drawing crap. It gets my creative juices flowing:

It sucks to be good at art since it's super hard to find jobs/income to do it.
Why can't I be good at something that pays a lot of money? Astronaughting, engineering, or CEO'ing?

It's because I spent  my high school and college years drawing instead of taking notes.
My Binders were awesome, but I should have put more time into CEO'ing.
I know that I would CEO super hard.

My sis Fachel recently moved into her an apartment and needed some stuff to hang up. I told her to buy the canvas and supplies and I would paint it. Also, I told her not to worry because if she didn't like it we could regift it to someone we hate.

I had an awesome idea to paint her some huge angel wings.

Step One: buy supplies
Step Two: paint the base color all ever the board:

Step Three: paint angel wings:

See how easy it is!!!

My sis-in-law got married and wanted one of those trendy tree sign-in guest book things so I art-ed this up for her:

All the wedding guests use stamp ink and make fingerprint "leaves", or something pinteresty like that.

I also got creative with makeup:

A skillfully cultivated living Father's Day card:

And a stimulating sidewalk chalk paint creation:

Jared was pleased with my message I wrote to him and was glad that our kids can't read.

Sister Harassment

I'm the only person allowed to harass and threaten my family.
If anyone else does, I foam at the mouth, grow fangs, squeeze out chest hair, and drop actual testicles.
It's serious.

Even with my sis, Feg. I can be mean sometimes, but if anyone messed with her I would literally fight them. I'm talking hair in a bun, Vaseline on face, and a healthy dose of white trash rage.

I wouldn't even say sorry unless the judge made me.... but I wouldn't mean it. at. all.

I really hope nobody ever really hurts my family because I don't want to go to jail.
Unapologetic Mormon girls don't fare well in prison.


A few months ago my little sister Rachel showed me a whole bunch of text messages from her Ex-Boyfriend's idiot friend, whom I'll refer to as Kris Kerns since that's his name.


Kris was getting thug-style with his sassy texts. He called Rachel a slut, whore, and every other word regarding her proported prostituteness.

What an unoriginal idiot.

He also was a gentleman by telling Rachel how huge her ass was (sorry I swore Gayle!!!!!!!!), how fat she is and how ugly she is.

This is my Sis:

This is Kristopher Kerns:

Texts continued. He started threatening to fight her. A grown man trying to fight a girl.


Rachel showed me all the texts a few days later. I was pretty bored that day so I started frothing at the mouth.
I started texting him. He did not appreciate my refreshing wit.
Kris Kerns kept text-harrassing Rachel so I researched his Facebook profile and I drew him this:

(I covered up the bad word with green/sad face because this is a family blog and I am a lady. Also, if you don't think I'm a lady, look at how fancy I drew his name on the left. If you don't think that's ladylike you can leave this blog right now.)

He did not appreciate my artwork either :( so I sent it to a few of his friends and after a lot of funny texting, Kris stopped.
He has not contacted Rachel since.

I heard Kris got pretty mad about the picture and deleted all traces of it.
A few days later I received this:

LOL.


BTW, I would like to set one thing straight. Though I occasionally harass my family, I would NEVER, EVER call them Fagita Pita.

Mullet Baby #2

Tyler was born with a decent amount of hair (for a white baby....)

While giving birth, and yes I was drugged up and high, Jared said:
Emily! It looks like he has a lot of dark hair!

And I was all like:
I think that's just my vagina!

But it wasn't just my privates. Tyler had cute dark fuzzy hair.

Of course, after a month his hair started turning lighter and growing out in weird places.

He grew some hair on his ears like and old man. Great.

He also has long whispy strands of hair growing out randomly.... like and old man. Great again.

The best part of all was his dark, thick mullet. Accentuated by the lighter hair on top. It was very classy.

While mullets are full of class, the are also freakishly gross.
I can't have my little senior citizen looking all crazy in a mullet, so I cut it.
I just buzzed the whole thing and didn't even put the baby hair in my scrapbook because it was so gross.

Now Baby #2 can go to the community center and play bingo without all the other old people making fun.

 

 

 

 

Best Lotions Ever

I'm obsessed with lotion.
I NEED it all the time.
I LOVE IT. 

Dry skin creeps me out.
When I travel someplace I know is going to be dry, I bring like, 6-8 bottles of moisturizer with me.
If I were stranded on a desert island, I would want lotion and Jared. In that order.

So after years of lotion obsession, I'm kind of a connoisseur of sorts.

The scent of the lotion is really important. I love clean, fresh scents that give others the illusion that I actually shower. 
Lotions also have to feel good. I don't want them to be all greasy, but I want to feel like I actually put some on. Those powdery finish lotions make me cringe.

Best Lotions under $15:

Nivea Smooth Sensations

$5 @ Walmart

- smells and feels clean, perfect for everyday use

Babyganics Cucumber and Aloe Lotion

$7.99 @ Babies R Us

- hands down the best smelling baby lotion ever, ever, ever.

True Blue Spa- Super Rich Hand Cream - Fragrance Free

$13 @ Bath and Body Works

- thick and luxurious. I have a stockpile of it at my mom's house in Utah for the dry summers.

Best lotions to buy when you are mad at your husband or want to splurge on something unnecessary:

Caudalie Nourishing Body Lotion

$30 @ Sephora 

- light and airy, scent is incredible, bottle lasted a long time

Bliss 24-heaven

$35 @ Sephora

 - super thick but not heavy or greasy, keeps skin moisturized and soft, smells light and clean

And last but not least, a picture I drew to brighten your day:

I call her LaQueefa.

Baby Sara Goes to Kansas

My baby sister Sara is officially on her Mormon mission to the great state of Kansas. Home of Corn fields, a 2% LDS population, and the notorious BTK serial killer. Kansas is also the setting for the Wizard of Oz.

She will be there for 18 months, wearing knee-length skirts and preaching the gospel. Amen Sister.

I bought her a bunch of stuff necessary for a successful ministry:
Lipgloss
Cute Journals
Red Steve Madden shoes
Red glitter nail polish
And some other crap

Naturally, I also included a drawing of her as Dorothy (the drawing her as the BTK killer didn't fit the theme):

We flew up to Utah to see her before she left.

 We hung out with the fam the entire time. On the last night we went to dinner in Salt Lake City at The Roof. It's a fancy-pants restaurant that overlooks the Salt Lake Temple.

Luckily we had our own room sectioned off from the rest of the dining room. Barlocker family dinner conversations are known to include anything from mission advice to midget prostitutes.

Baby Sara, Mom, Dad, Rachel, Me



AWWW! My little Sara is growing up!

Free Monster Coloring Pages

I made these monsters a while ago for my mom. She teaches quilting classes and wanted to make a Halloween themed monster quilt. She transferred my drawings onto her her fabric then worked her quilting magic.

Very Utah chic. 

Last week I wanted some coloring pages for the Boys and Girls Club but could only find lame ones online. So instead I just converted these into coloring pages for the spoiled kids.

The kids colored them, cut them out, and hung them on a huge banner in the cafeteria.
It was cuter than a kitten in a boot.
And A LOT cuter than the kids running around screaming because they're bored.

Sets of 4 Monsters (as seen above):

monstercoloringpage1.pdf
monstercoloringpage2.pdf

Larger Single Monsters - prints out around 6x6inches:

monster1.pdf
monster2.pdf
monster3.pdf
monster4.pdf
monster5.pdf
monster6.pdf
monster7.pdf
monster8.pdf
monster9.pdf
monster10.pdf
monster11.pdf

The End.

Types of Pregnant Girls: Part III of III

Read Part I and Part II.

The Nasty Sick Girl

Pregnancy is not kind to her.
She Throws up multiple times a day.
Most likely has converted one of her bathrooms into a puking sanctuary.
Lost weight during the first trimester.
Wears pajamas 90% of the time.
When the phone rings she lazily looks over at it, ignores it, then goes back to throwing up everywhere/peeing her pants.
Doesn't care if vomit is crusted in her hair, it's not like she styles it anyway.
Gives her husband permission to have an affair because she realizes she is that nasty.
Becomes a social recluse, almost everyone she knows thinks she is dead.
Her other kid is so sweet and nice but has a creepy evil laugh.
Craves Taco Bell and sedatives.

The Seasoned Pro

She is unimpressed when people have ONLY four kids.

Gives birth without breaking a sweat.
Can breastfeed while blindfolded with both arms tied behind her back.
Her advice is actually helpful and welcomed.
Makes pregnancy and motherhood look easy.
Most likely has a Mom haircut.
If you sass her, she will smack that smile right off your face.
Drives a mini-van.
Craves caffeine and collage tuition for all her kids.

The Cool Pregnant Girl

Dresses stylishly throughout pregnancy, even during month 9.
Does her hair everyday.
Her other kids are ridiculously cute and funny.
Cooks amazing food to satisfy cravings instead of relying on Taco Bell.
Showers occasionally.
Drops nice presents off at you house when it is a messy disaster zone. Then you have to have to threaten her that if she tells anyone, you will kill her.
Craves comfort food and a Target shopping spree that her husband won't find out about.

Adam and Lisa

I have been promising my friend Lisa that I would draw a picture of her dog, Murphy, for over a year.

So finally, here it is:

Adam really holds the dog like that....
Lisa has huge amazing boobs that I am jealous of. She always hides them though. It took all my willpower to draw them non-pornographically.

They will be new parents in February 2014. Hell yeah.

Types of Pregnant Girls: Part II of III

Read Part I here.

The Glowing Pregnant Girl

The more pregnant she gets, the prettier she looks.
Instead of people helping her, she does service for other people.
Glows even though she's not wearing bronzer.
Her house is spotless.
She gets dressed everyday.
Has a very nice pinterest board collection.
Pregnancy is bliss for her.
I secretly hate her.
She probably made her own custom crib bedding.
Se still makes her family dinner every night.
Craves healthy sensible food and world peace.

The Smug Amateur

Thinks she is righteous and inspirational just for having a kid.
Acts like she is the first person in the world to ever be pregnant and is better than you because of it.
Her baby's kicks are WAY stronger than your baby's kicks.
Lower than average I.Q.
Thinks that because she read a couple books on pregnancy, that she is a seasoned pro.
She loves to give unsolicited advice and recommendations.
Mistakenly believes she is a glowing.
Start fights with everyone because she is classy.
Imagines other people find her adorable, hehehehehe!
She probably blogs things like: "My friend, Abbie, really wants a baby... I tend to do that to people!" - As if her friend never wanted kids until she met the inspirational Smug Amateur.
Craves root beer and validation.

The Extremely Excited Preparer

Buys a stroller and car seat the week of the positive pregnancy test.
Has been a nanny and worked with kids for years.
Knows more about babies than most moms do.
Sucks for moving to South Dakota.
Probably has her hospital bag packed by month 3.
Is organized beyond belief.
Is so ridiculously excited for the baby, she can barely sleep at night.
Baby's nursery is ready by month 5.
Craves McDonald's and large bags of Sour Patch Kids.




Read Part III here.