Blogging Again! Maybe!

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!!
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.

I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.

Just Kidding!

If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.
I have 3 kids now.
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.




I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.

I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.

Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.
Like, look at me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.

I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.
Anti-social.

I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...
You too, Steph...

A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.

I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.
I am a girl who needs alone time.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.

But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.
So maybe I'll make more time for that.
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.

Don't cross your fingers.

(Innapropriate) Maternity Photos: Part II

READ PART I HERE!


I'm still obsessed with how pretty my maternity dress was.
 

I just can't seem to feel attractive when I'm throwing up, peeing my pants, and chronically constipated.
BUT, my photographer, Ashley, captured incredible pics that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have felt during a pregnancy.
(BTW, her instagram is magical: ashbridgewater.jpg)

I didn't want to take the dress off.
(The dress was made by Sew Trendy which is also magical. Don't be mad my high school friend owns the company.)

So I came up with a few more ideas to complete the photo shoot.

Ashley is a consummate professional but agreed to document my bad decisions.

I really don't know what to say about the following pictures.

We went to a famed Utah strip club off State Street.
I took a couple pics outside, because I didn't think the club managers would actually let me in to take pictures.

 It's amazing how good the photographs are considering Ashley and I couldn't stop laughing.


We walked inside and asked the super nice and super hot receptionist if I could embarrass myself.

She got the manager for us.

He was laughing super hard about my idea and said I could even get on a stage if I wanted.

WHAT?!?!

It's always been a childhood dream of mine to be a pregnant stripper in a fancy dress.

I guess Tuesdays are slow for strip clubs because there weren't that many guys there.
Which was totally fine since I already paid my bills that month.

Before I went in, I was a little worried the girls who worked there would be a little mad about me for basically making fun of their jobs.

Instead, the girls were totally laughing at the idea and helped us as much as they could.

They aren't dumb. They treat stripping as a means to an end and have no problem poking a little fun at it.

They gave me posing tips (even though I still look awkward af) and the burly 40-somthing-year-old bouncer fixed my gown so it would be especially beautiful.

 I try not to judge people but I really didn't expect all the girls and staff to be so funny, nice, and helpful.
Thanks pretty Salt Lake City strippers.


Next stop was one of my most favorite places in the world.

Taco Bell💗

Taco Bell was pretty much the only thing I ate this whole pregnancy. Baby #3 is practically made out of chicken chalupas and nachos with extra cheese, so I wanted to honor that.

 By the way, not only is Ashley Bridgewater a good photographer, but is also an excellent burrito eater. She was probably pretty popular in high school.

I really wanted my maternity photos to tell a story.
Something like, girl is pregnant, girl gets fancy dress, girl go to strip club, girl is hungry, girl eats chalupas, girl pees behind dumpster.

Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face when you are laughing at how clever you are?

By the way, can I just say that I am so flattered and grateful that anyone reads my blog? Making people smile, laugh, or get seriously offended, fulfills me in ways you can't imagine.
So really. Thanks for reading.





P.S. If you are offended by anything here, please email me at emilybarlocker@yahoo.com so I can show my friends and save it in my "funny stuff" folder.

 Also I got a few other suggestions for the photo shoot, one having to do with a hanger and shop vac, so really, this could of been a lot worse. (You know who you are person that thought of that 💗.)

My 3 Year Old Is An Idiot

I've already come to terms with the fact that a part of me will forever be an idiot.
What I can't come to terms with is the fact that my 3 year old is now part of that club.

You're probably thinking, but emily! How can a 3 year old be idiot?!
 .... Easily.

I think all of us mothers can agree that pretty much all 3 year olds are not that smart.
Sometimes I think Tyler may be slightly dumber than his peers.

I present the following arguments:

• T-Bag was playing with a toy gun at Cabela's and hit himself in the face resulting in a dent in his forehead.

• He stupidly picked up this dead bird with his bare hands, then picked his nose and ate his booger. That idiot probably caught some bird disease. I had to teach him how to play with dead things with a stick. 

• I brought cupcakes to my brother Jake's house for the kids to decorate. We gave everyone candles and sang them all happy birthday, because that's how bored I was. Tyler tried to blow out his candle, got too close, and singed all his eyelashes off like a complete fool.

• He was walking on the sidewalk, fell down, and landed on his face. Now his front tooth is all jacked up and dead.... from walking. 

He is so lucky I think he's cute and funny, otherwise I would disown him fo' sure.

Questionable Kids Shows On Netflix

I'm knocked up with my 3rd child. I hate being pregnant and am sick the entire 9/10 months.
Because of this, I am apathetic about my kids TV consumption.

They have been watching SOOOOOO much TV these past weeks months.

I still feel like I am an awesome mom because every once and a while I make them watch shows about smart people stuff, like Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ultimate Animal Fights. I also let them out of their kennels once a week.

But....  we need to talk about Netflix.

I love Netflix. I love how cheap it is.
We don't have cable or normal TV, so Netflix is all we use. 
I love that there a a ton of wholesome kids shows.

I love that I can sit my kids in front of the TV for hours at a time without annoying commercial breaks.
I don't need my kids to be bugging me to buy the latest sugar cereal and Nerf guns.


However, there are a few shows that I'm a little concerned about.
Which is unfortunate since I am already concerned about my children in general.

Ryan knows how to turn on any show he wants by himself.

That explains why I walked out and saw a talking cartoon butt on the TV screen one day.

Now, I am a person that can appreciate a well illustrated butt.
However, what I cannot appreciate, is my 5 year old appreciating cartoon butts.

The is a show actually called, The Day My Butt Went Psycho.

It's about a dude who is a junior butt fighter and his butt.... that went psycho.

The butt even has a name, and that name is Deuce.
For those of you that are as well-versed in all things poop, Deuce is another name for the number 2.
The number 2 is also a common nickname for poo. As in #1 is pee and #2 is poo.

So the butt's name, Deuce, means poop.
It's actually pretty clever.
But ultimately, I have way too much poop and butts in my life right now.



Then there is a little animated show called StoryBots.

It's a cute show that is educational and fun.
What concerns me is the freaking weird stuff that randomly pops up while you're watching it.

My kids were just hanging out, tryna learn about animals when this freaky camel song came on and creeped them out.

 

Were you aware that camels made that sound? 
You can see it for yourself in Season 1 Episode 4: Animals and Emotions

I don't need extra creepy things keeping my kids up at night. They already have to deal with images of me throwing up and peeing my pants every day.



You may be surprised to find out that Little Einsteins is another show I have problems with.

First of all, whoever thought of calling a kid show something with Einstein in it is brilliant.
Who doesn't want their kid to be an Einstein?

One day I would like my kids to understand physics and do their hair super sexy.

I was a fan of Little Einsteins until I saw how the red spaceship thing bounces around.

A boner shaped spring. That's how it bounces around. A boner spring.

You can watch this pseudo-porn in Season 1, Episode 5: Pirate's Treasure.



Oh, and there is a coloring page online if you want to cement that reality in your kid's head:

 Print it at: coloringsky.com

Or you could buy them this suggestive toy spaceship.
I'm not here to judge you're parenting decisions.

Anyway, I just want all you other negligent moms - who let their kids watch too much TV - to be warned about the potential dangers of Netflix. 

Let's just focus on protecting the children.

I'm Grosser Than Normal and It's Because I'm Knocked Up

I haven't blogged in a couple of months because I am a huge disgusting mess.

Disclaimer:
Let me just start off by saying how grateful I am that I get to have another baby. I know a lot of people who can't get pregnant or have to pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments.

I know it's horribly dumb to be complaining about being pregnant.
But I just feel like the readers of this blog have an exceptionally good sense of humor and forgive me of my pettiness.
Despite my rants, I know I'm lucky and am super grateful for the relentless hell that is pregnancy.


K.
Let's talk some pregnancy trash.


Usually it takes Jared and I a while to get pregnant, so I was surprised that after banging for a month, I was already knocked up.

I thought I had a solid 6 months - 1 year of non-pregnant bliss.

I don't understand the women who love being pregnant.
And I especially hate the girls who look extra glow-y and beautiful for those 9 months.

I am a nasty troll when I'm with child.
My whole body becomes a petri dish of disgusting-ness.

• I vomit like it's my job. 

I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks from throwing up so much. The first 3 months I lost 14 pounds. I looked like a dying sallow-skinned sea turtle.
I carry around Ziploc bags so I can puke on the go.

• My adult acne gets offended by all the extra hormones and brings it's wrath upon my face.

I have always broken out worse during pregnancy, but this time it's amazingly worse. I look like I have Syphilis and I am not amused. I already feel gross from throwing up all the time, I don't need extra zits right now.  

• Pretty much every time I puke, I also pee my pants a little bit.

It's so classy and I love doing the extra laundry.
Some days when I throw up more than usual, I don't even change my pants inbetween pees. I just let it ride because I know I'll be peeing in them again in the next 30 min.

You are probably thinking how I am one of the grossest girls ever, and you would be right. 

• I am nasty in public.

I was at the post office right before Christmas. There was a long line of about 25 people. I was halfway through the line, when I had to whip out my Ziploc bag and puke into it. I wasn't about to lose my place in line so I just vomited/peed in front of everyone, zipped up the throw up, and stayed in line like nothing happened.


I also have to confess that my kids have watched more TV in the last couple of months than they have watched their entire lives, and I don't even care.
I've got more important things to worry about, like doing kegal exercises in a vain attempt to stop peeing my pants.

Oh yeah, I'm due May 3, 2017 it's a girl.
And I know she is going to be the worst thing ever and a total ho, because Karma.

Baby Showers and Slutty Lumberjacks

Baby sister Sara married the boy version of herself last December.
For real. They look exactly alike. 
I probs should blog about their wedding sometime because I have some awesome pics and video from it.

In true believing Mormon form, she is now seven months pregnant and due in October.

Mormons love to get married young. She was 21 and he is 20.
I know. It's crazy, but I can't judge because I also got hitched when I was 21, but at least my husband was 25 and had finished puberty.

Mormons also love to have babies right after they get married. It's basically a cultural sin if you don't get knocked up right away.
Like, when Jared and I waited 6 years to have our demon child, I was almost excommunicated and had to repent.
Same with every time I open my eyes during prayers.

 So Sara is going to have a baby real soon. I applaud her for having the balls to bring a baby into this world so young.
Anyone that has children young has my respect because parenting is HARD.


I would have been THE WORST MOM EVER if I had Cryin' Ryan at the age of 21. I would probably be in jail and my kids wouldn't know what "carnivore" means, or the different biomes on earth, or what DNA means.

 It would have been a disaster.


My mom organized a baby shower for her and baby Canyon. (You read that right, Canyon.)

By the way, I sometimes feel I should have named my kids something trendier as Ryan and Tyler will be totally out of place with all the hipster names in their generation.

I went on a Pinterest reconnaissance mission to find a theme.
A lumberjack/camping party seemed to fit the baby's name so I just went with it.



My mom and sister Megan did the fancy-pants food,  Sis-in-Laws Erika and Stephanie helped set up/clean up/make food, and I did the decorations. Stephanie probably did the least work out of anyone.



Look at this campy set up:

Too bad I didn't bring my good camera and I'm not a better photographer because these pictures suck.

That's as creative as we all could be. It looked better in person.

But wait, a few weeks before Stephanie had an idea that would make this baby shower amazing.

Remember Sara's Bachelor Party we threw her last November???
 If you have a strong stomach and weak morals, you can read them here:

Bachelorette Party: Part I 

Bachelorette Party: Part II

The highlight of the party was definitely my 37 year old husband dressed as a sexy cop and pretending to strip. 

My little sis was super grossed out and it was perfect. 

So Stephanie brilliantly suggested that Jared reprise his strip tease at Sara's baby shower.....

But dressed like a slutty lumberjack!

I just said, yes, yes, and yes!

I honestly spent more money getting the costumes together for the strippers than I spent on decorations. 

When Sara least expected it, Jared knocked on the door and did this:

My Grandma Alice was there.

I bribed my 2 and 5 year old into dressing up like lumberjacks too.
Because it was a baby shower and there was no choreographed strip dance, including children seemed appropriate.

Sara didn't appreciate our gift, but we are not sorry.

I guess this incredible idea makes up for Stephanie's lack of participation.


Sidenote: Stephanie texted me multiple times asking what she could do to help with decorating. I was just a procrastinator and made everything the night before. My fault, but let's not focus on that. 

4th of July Penis Show

Mmmmmkay.
You know how a few post ago I talked some mad trash about people who apologize for not blogging regularly?
Well, let's pretend that didn't happen.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for my overgrown ombre highlights.
I'm sorry for my knee-short tan lines.
I'm sorry for laughing when my kids swear and,
I'm sorry for being a non-consistent blogger.



Mostly I haven't blog in a few weeks because lazy.
I'm so lazy I can't even correct the "blog" in my last sentence to "blogged."
But also because so many life-changing things have occurred in my vicinity. All of which I will blog about for my children to re-visit in the future.


Look how patriotic I made my fireplace area:

Unfortunately, That's as fancy as it gets here at the Scott residence.

My absolutely inappropriate bother (typo stays), Matthew, celebrated our nations Independence by showing his dick.

Happy Birthday America.

We had a big family farty (this typo also stays) up at my parents house.
The food was amazing, weather was perfect, and we were all bonding so hard.

My little sis, Fegan, who I will now refer to as Megan since we get along now, just had a baby.
She is an ardent breast-feeding rights activist and so is the new baby.

About 16 adults were there and most of the family were seated in the huge living room.

My dad, brothers, and grandpa were just trying to live their lives.

That's when Megan flopped out her huge boob in front of everyone and fed the baby.

While I don't really have a problem with public breastfeeding, I do find it really awkward and weird to do it around men in the family. Actually men in general.


My brothers felt the same uncomfortable-ness that I would be feeling in their shoes.


Megan has busted her tits out a bunch of times. That's why when I arrived and wanted to see the baby I first yelled into everyone, "I want to see the baby... wait, Megan, are your tits out?.... k, never mind."

My brother Matthew is the type of guy who recently told me he loves having diarrhea and also farted in another man's mouth.

Annoyed by Megan's blatant bare boobs, Matthew whipped his dick out for everyone to see.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that again:

Matthew whipped his dick out for everyone to see.

He thought that if she's showing her private parts to everyone, he might as well too.

I was gratefully not there to witness the x-rated show, but I almost peed my pants laughing when I heard it. 

Later, when I was cleaning up I noticed my mom got some fancy new hand soap and lotion.
The brand was incredibly appropriate for the penis-showing incident:

Pecksniffs?



Then we roasted marshmallows and watched fireworks, so it was a pretty good day.

Sidenote:

I semi-apologize for my offensive use of the word, "dick." But given the gravity of the situation, I felt like "dick" was the only variation of the penis that would suffice.

Bear Skull Apology

Bears are my spirit animal.
I love them. I like them even more than I like Mountain Goats, and I like Mountain Goats a lot.

 

• Bears will rip you apart if you mess with their cubs.
• They like to hang out by themselves.
• Polar Bears have black skin under their white fur. Kind of how I wish I was Black even though I am undeniably white. 
• Bears can walk on their hind legs for short distances.

• Grizzly bears have awesome highlights in their fur.
• They Hibernate.
• Bears are also majestic. 

I was still pretty pissed off at Husband from an earlier argument when he came home with a present for me.
Thankfully it was not a 10" Classic Dong because I already have one of those from a previous gift giving incident.

Instead of a Dong, I came face to face with a real Bear Skull.
And yeah, I will capitalize the words Bear Skull because Bear Skulls are awesome and deserve some Respect.

I love skulls but not in the creepy Jeffery Dahmer/Ed Gein way.
I love them in the stay-at-home-mom who like science-y stuff way.

Anyway, I mostly forgave Jared for his trespasses because the Skull is pretty cool.