Halloween 2014

 I figured since Thanksgiving was a few days ago it made sense to do a Halloween post.

 I started October off right, by drawing uni-brows on my babies:


We went to a free pumpkin patch (because screw Cornbelly's and their $15 cover charge). Ryan rolled around in a pile of diseased corn kernels.


After he contracted hepatitis, I decided it would be a good idea to put my tiny baby in it too!!!

After, we picked small/cheap pumpkins and brought them home. Favorite sibling Jake came over and made fun of an angry Titty Monkey.

His kids Brooke and Laura helped carve our discount pumpkins.

Another day, I spent my time wisely by dressing Tyler up as Little Critter:

Later in the month we went to another free event in Herriman city. I love Utah and all the free family stuff.

You better believe Ryan played in the straw pit. But lucky for me, I think he gave his hepatitis away to some other kid.


My mom's family party was the perfect place for Ryan to show off his skeleton costume to his beloved cousin, Aiden.

No. Seriously, Ryan is obsessed with Aiden.

Lets also talk for a minute about why Ryan was a skeleton. Its because he already owned the pajamas and the face paint was only $4 with my 40% coupon at Michaels.

On Halloween night, my bro Matt and his wife Stephanie invited us over to go trick-or-treating with them. Ryan was ecstatic he got to spend more time with his idol, Aiden. Their house always has good food and better company. It makes me happy that we moved to Utah.

And yes, we were all skeletons, because I already had black clothes, masking tape, and my $4 face paint. Maybe one day I will stop being so cheap about halloween, but until then..... SKELETONS EVERY YEAR!!!!!!



Hairy Lumberjacks

One of my favorite/inappropriate friends, Christie, came to visit a few weeks ago.  Now that I've moved back to Utah, she has moved away. Of course. Her husband is in Med school in Missouri. She really needs to get her priorities straight and move back to Utah, so we can have playdates.

I thought it would be fun to roll out a huge paper and let the boys paint nicely. Instead, Christie's cute little boy, Issac, was like "What in the Stay-At-Home-Mom-Hell is this?"


Clearly, I may have a kid-crafts pinterest addiction that I take out on any child near me. Issac was not even impressed by my huge roll of paper or amazing paint brush collection.

While Christie and I painted cute pictures, The boys dumped a whole bottle of water on the paper and spread it around to ensure our masterpiece was ruined.

After that disaster, we punished our kids by making them dress up like hairy lumberjacks.

My kids are used to being dressed up and peacefully submitted when I painted their beards on.

Once again, Isaac was not amused.

He was disgusted that Christie and I had the audacity to paint his cute little face. He smeared it everywhere while Christie expertly snuck the brown paint on here and there. It may have looked more like poop than like a beard, but we just went with it.

Of course Isaac managed to make a dookie beard look adorable:


Man-beard Ryan stares off into the distance: 

Tyler looks suggestively into the camera:


"What's up? My name is Christie and I like to look cute all the time so you look like a dump next to me! Hee hee hee!!!!!" - what Christie was thinking as we took these pictures:


Screw you for being a hot mom Christie. Screw. You.


Hot Sisterwife And My Parent's Basement

Guess how awesome I am???

A 10.
I am 10, awesome.

Because for the 3rd time in my adult life, I am living in a relative's basement.

First, Jared's Dad in Ohio - for 1 1/2 long years,
Second, at Jared's grandparent's California house for a short 4 months,
And now we are crashing in my own parent's basement in Utah.

We have the whole basement to ourselves. 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, mini kitchen, etc.

The view isn't bad either.

Plus, my parents have cable TV, which is why I blog less.

We are thinking of doing a less-violent version of Custer's Last Stand, and living here until my parents forcibly remove us.

Oh yeah, deers eat out of your hand here. Maybe I'm an 11 on the scale of awesome???

 Before we moved from California, Jared had accepted a job here, but promptly quit it because it was crappy.
Our first week here he got a couple of other offers. But since we love living in basements so much, he declined the offers and waited to hear back for a better offer.

He got the job he wanted (over 3 weeks and a trip to Cleveland later). We bought a house, but have a 60 day escrow. Which means my parents get 60 more bliss-filled day with my and my titty monkeys (Jared included.)

A couple weeks ago, my parents left on a little vacation and left me to my own vices (I meant to type "devices" but the more accurate typo stays).

Before they left, I told my mom that Jared and I were going to have sex in every room in the house. She said "too late." ew.

Don't moms know its funnier when their kids gross them out and not the other way around????? I guess this shred of human decency has no place in my family tree.

Instead of tainting every room in my parent's house, Jared suggested I "put something sexy on".

I looked in the family's costume closet instead and found this(!!!!!!!!!!!!):

Who knew I could look so hot as a Utah sister-wife?

Jared was not as amused as I was, and refused to call me "Sister Emily".


Note: While I have deep respect for religious freedom and individual's agency, I reserve the right to make fun of clothing and awesome hairstyles as I see fit.


Potty Training 2.0

I started potty training my 3 year old, Ryan, a couple of weeks after Titty Monkey was born in March. No, he is still not potty-trained and  yes, we started almost 6 months ago.

I began with the "chill parent"/lazy-as-crap approach, which means I bought him Pull-Ups and every few hours I asked him if he wanted to take a dump in the toilet.

He would always answer, "no, Ryan like a poo in his pants..." and then he would happily go squat in a corner somewhere.

Obviously, this method wasn't producing results (except in the corner). I did the whole sticker chart and reward system. I gave him stickers for pee and handfuls of marshmallows for poo. He got sick of the rewards after one day.

I tried other rewards. Candy, toys, trips to the park, watching Netflix and letting him run around naked.... I even let him play with that brown play-dough hoping he would be inspired.

Our most problematic times came when I would want him to try going in the toilet at set intervals. Apparently, little boys do not appreciate being snatched from their toys every 20 min.

Every time I made him go, one of is would end up in tears... and by that I mean HE would end up in tears since I hate crying.

Finally he sort of starting to get the hang of it, but still preferred to convenience of going straight in his pants.
We had a road trip coming up, so I made an executive (read: lazy) parenting decision. Ryan would wear diapers on the trip. I didn't want to mix Ryan's inevitable accidents with his cloth-covered car seat.

Bad Parenting Decision #56845

Fast forward to after the trip.....
He basically wants nothing to do with the toilet.

I know my parenting recorded is not pristine but I really don't need another testament of my crappy mothering skills.

I just really, really, really hate poop.

As for now i'm using the excuse that I can't potty train him until we get settle in a house, and his bowel can move in a consistent environment.

Oh yes.
Here is a picture of my diaper-clad kid pretending to be a tortoise. ("Not a turtle, mom!!! I is a tortoise!!!!!!)
Proud moments all around.
P.S. Ryan pooped in the bath last night
P.S.S. If you ever need parenting advice, let me know.


Poo-dough and Utah

At the end of August, we moved from California to Utah in two days.
The boys were little angels the entire time!

Just kidding.

They were awful.

I even packed Cryin' Ryan a special bag of cool new toys - and he still pissed me off the whole time.

At one point I sat in the back seat, while my mom drove, and fed baby Tyler. Yes, I hovered over Titty Monkey while he was strapped in his carseat and breastfed him. My shirt was up and my entire boob was dangling in his face.

I consider this one of my life's classier moments.

My mom flew out to California a few days before we were leaving. She is a maniac and whipped my house and my butt into shape.

One the day we began our Mormon pilgrimage to Salt Lake City, my dad flew into Los Angeles just so he could help us drive back. OMG. My parents are freaking awesome.

They are so good to me.
Part of me believes they are so nice because they figured I'd probably be in jail at this point in my life.
Parents get all sorts of proud when their adult children stay out of prison.

We arrived at my parents house/our house for the next couple of months.

It was awesome, and not just because I didn't have to be in my car with 2 kids anymore.

I am a girl who loves mountains, snow, and family.

Lucky for me, Utah has all three.

P.S. the moment we got to my parents house, my mom made brown play-dough and encouraged Ryan to call it Poo-dough and helped him sculpt a Poo Clown.



I never thought I would live in Utah again, but it feels good to be home. ♥




Goodbye California

Goodbye beautiful California.
I'm going to miss you. You have been good to me and my heart hurts a little as I type this.

Goodbye day trips to Santa Barbara.

Goodbye annoying 25mph speed limit all the way up the hills to my house.

Goodbye amazing Camarillo parks and playgrounds.

Goodbye super nice mailman, Terry.

Goodbye amazing view of Ventura county/little sliver of the Pacific ocean from my windows.

Goodbye Ryan's angelic nursery teachers who graciously put up with his antics.

Goodbye best weather in the world. Sunny blue skies at 70-80 degrees year-round.

Goodbye good friends who are even better examples.

Goodbye racial and cultural diversity.

Goodbye most amazing strawberries grown in the free world.

Goodbye over-priced gasoline.

Goodbye my most favorite visiting teachers/friends ever - Gayle and Keiko.

Goodbye delicious avocado trees in my backyard.

Goodbye scary county road without sidewalks that I run on in my neighborhood.

Goodbye 10-15 minute drive to the beach.

Goodbye living across the street from one of my best friends and the BEST old-person EVER. Jared's grandma.


Goodbye quiet drives down Pacific Coast Highway.

Goodbye kids at the Boys and Girls Club, who made me laugh hard and taught me all the dirty words in Spanish.

Goodbye Roscoe's chicken and waffles.

Goodbye trips to Ventura just to buy lemon bars and thick bacon at Lassen's.

Goodbye two of my most favorite girls ever.

Goodbye cute little friends who played with Ryan.


I am leaving you for another state. One with my family, and reasonable real estate prices.

It's not you California...... it's me.

p.s. Lisa, don't worry, I'm alive. :)