8.29.2016

Gigal Gardens


I spent most of my teenage years living in Salt Lake City, Utah.
There were a lot of ways to keep myself in trouble. Sneaking into community pools at night, working late at Taco Bell, and pretending I was cool on the video production team at my high school were some of the conduits to my teenage shenanigans.

Either way, I cannot believe I grew up here and had never heard about Gigal Gardens.
It's a shame because I would have snuck out and came here all the time.

Most Utahans have never heard of this magical garden.

Look at this place:





That is straight up Joseph Smith's face on a sphinx body and it's majestic.

This whole place gives off a really sacrilegious, Sunstone mini golf vibe....

BUT, it was actually put together in the 1960's by a Mormon bishop, Thomas Battersby Child, Jr. because he loved his church so much. It's basically a shrine to everything he believed in.


Here's the installation he made of himself, complete with brick pants:





I can respect that.


It's a relatively small garden/park. It only take about 15 min max to see everything.
It's kind of hard to find since it was built in the guys backyard.

Just use a GPS and this address:

749 E 500 S, Salt Lake City, UT.


Weird.


8.26.2016

Cat B-holes and Phallic Squash



I've been pretty bummed since Grandma Annette died.
She was really one of my very bestest friends ever in the entire universe.

I know everyone dies. I know we all experience loss. I'm aware that Grandma Annette was old and had an incredible life.

But I just miss her.



I'm not a sad, emotional type of person. Usually, I laugh at everything, swear, make nasty jokes, and have a bad attitude about life. I am normally really good at ignoring my feelings.

I guess people can tell when you are sad and not yourself.

I've received comments and emails from you guys which is so kind. People I've never met offering me words of comfort renews my faith in mankind.

My sis-in-law, Stephanie, brought me bright flowers and sugar cookies. It was so thoughtful and nice that I almost cried on my doorstep like a little baby.




My mom brought me candy I like and a children's book that is so sweet and poignant that I can barely get passed the second page without tears.





My friend Gayle immediately texted me  from California - where the funeral was - and offered to organize the food for the funeral. She literally would have done anything we needed her to. She is awesome and has a equally awesome daughter named Lizzy.
Gayle even lent me white tablecloths


for the memory table (that's probably not the correct term, but it's the tables in the reception area at a funeral where you put a guestbook and a ton of pictures.)




It was so nice of her to trust me with anything white.


Then a few days ago I found a huge phallic squash placed on my doormat.





If the giver of this was trying to make me feel better by giving me penis shaped food it totally worked.
If the giver was simply sharing their harvest it still made me laugh because I'm a 10 year old boy who laughs at wiener stuff.






My "I look hotter than you in a bikini" friend, Christie, sent me a card all the way from Florida.
The envelope was deceiving and didn't prepare me for what was inside.


Look at what her innocent little boy drew on the envelope.





I opened it up and found myself staring into this:





A cartoon cat's butt-hole.
What is wrong with her?

I always knew Christie was a good artist, but this could be her best drawing yet.

 A seriously heartwarming note was written inside.






It's nice to have friends that just get you.


P.S. My kitten lays on it's back when I hold him.






(BTW, Christie, you should draw and post it on your blog. Do what I say.)



8.24.2016

Baby Showers and Slutty Lumberjacks


Baby sister Sara married the boy version of herself last December.
For real. They look exactly alike. 
I probs should blog about their wedding sometime because I have some awesome pics and video from it.

In true believing Mormon form, she is now seven months pregnant and due in October.

Mormons love to get married young. She was 21 and he is 20.
I know. It's crazy, but I can't judge because I also got hitched when I was 21, but at least my husband was 25 and had finished puberty.

Mormons also love to have babies right after they get married. It's basically a cultural sin if you don't get knocked up right away.
Like, when Jared and I waited 6 years to have our demon child, I was almost excommunicated and had to repent.
Same with every time I open my eyes during prayers.

 So Sara is going to have a baby real soon. I applaud her for having the balls to bring a baby into this world so young.
Anyone that has children young has my respect because parenting is HARD.


I would have been THE WORST MOM EVER if I had Cryin' Ryan at the age of 21. I would probably be in jail and my kids wouldn't know what "carnivore" means, or the different biomes on earth, or what DNA means.




 It would have been a disaster.


My mom organized a baby shower for her and baby Canyon. (You read that right, Canyon.)

By the way, I sometimes feel I should have named my kids something trendier as Ryan and Tyler will be totally out of place with all the hipster names in their generation.

I went on a Pinterest reconnaissance mission to find a theme.
A lumberjack/camping party seemed to fit the baby's name so I just went with it.



My mom and sister Megan did the fancy-pants food,  Sis-in-Laws Erika and Stephanie helped set up/clean up/make food, and I did the decorations. Stephanie probably did the least work out of anyone.



Look at this campy set up:





Too bad I didn't bring my good camera and I'm not a better photographer because these pictures suck.









That's as creative as we all could be. It looked better in person.

But wait, a few weeks before Stephanie had an idea that would make this baby shower amazing.

Remember Sara's Bachelor Party we threw her last November???
 If you have a strong stomach and weak morals, you can read them here:

Bachelorette Party: Part I 

Bachelorette Party: Part II


The highlight of the party was definitely my 37 year old husband dressed as a sexy cop and pretending to strip. 
My little sis was super grossed out and it was perfect. 


So Stephanie brilliantly suggested that Jared reprise his strip tease at Sara's baby shower.....
But dressed like a slutty lumberjack!
I just said, yes, yes, and yes!

I honestly spent more money getting the costumes together for the strippers than I spent on decorations. 


When Sara least expected it, Jared knocked on the door and did this:



video


My Grandma Alice was there.

I bribed my 2 and 5 year old into dressing up like lumberjacks too.
Because it was a baby shower and there was no choreographed strip dance, including children seemed appropriate.







Sara didn't appreciate our gift, but we are not sorry.







I guess this incredible idea makes up for Stephanie's lack of participation.


Sidenote: Stephanie texted me multiple times asking what she could do to help with decorating. I was just a procrastinator and made everything the night before. My fault, but let's not focus on that. 



8.22.2016

Bath Bombs



Bath bombs.
Oh how I love them.

I don't even take baths often (or showers for that matter), I just love bath bombs because they smell like the Celestial Kingdom.
They make my whole house smell delicious. They are better than candles. I store them in my closet just so I can sniff them everyday.





I mostly let me kids use them.
Ryan and T-Bag love them and play in the bath longer when we use them.
Longer bath times = more time I can sit on the toilet and look at Pinterest. 


I'm obsessed with the bombs from that over-priced mall store, LUSH.
Don't worry though. We all know that there is no way my cheapness would allow dropping $6-$10 on a bath bomb.
OK. Just kidding. I totally spend that. Just don't tell my husband.

BUT,

I usually break the bath bombs into 4 pieces. They last us 5 baths since I save the cheeto dust left behind from when I chopped them.





Look who is winning now LUSH!

I also bought this MMMelting Marshmallow Moment Luxury Bath Oil.
So fancy!




This one isn't for the chillun'. It's only for me.

I'm saving it for fall/winter when I have lizard skin.
You know in your heart I'll be chopping it up so it lasts longer.

LUSH also has bubble bath bars that you stick in your tub and it fizzes out a bunch of heavenly bubbles. I am scared to try them since I don't want any other addictions in my life.





I bought some random ones at White Barn Candle/Bath and Body Works and they sucked balls. Real balls, not bath balls.
I will say the packaging is adorable. A mini egg carton? Yes please.  



Farm Fresh - Green Bubble Gorgeous
Aromatherapy Bath Bombs






These cost $25 for 6 of them. I got them home and realized they were so small especially next to LUSH's bombs. The blue LUSH bomb is obviously on the left.






The smells weren't that great, just normal and expected.
They left a TON of residue all over my tub.
I am lazy. I don't want to be scrubbing my tub more than once every few years.

These ones were a total rip off.


 I should probably learn how to make my own bath bombs. There are online recipes for LUSH-like bath stuff.
But I won't because: lazy.



Well, LUSH wins again.




8.19.2016

Tree Hate


I haven't blogged because I am a wuss and have been super sad about Grandma Annette passing away.  She was really the most influential person in my life.


But...........

Guess what little rabid squirrels and mangy deer?!?!?
We destroyed your food source!

Wait, I digress, I actually love the wildlife here in Utah.
It reminds me that there is more to life than wiping butts, Walmart, and doing the dishes.

But, when we bought our Utah house we inherited the most evil trees I have met in my entire life.





Man, I seriously hated those trees and everything they represented.

That's why a couple of weeks ago I had Jared murder them.


I can barely describe the pain and disappointment these trees gave me.
They pissed me off so bad I even wrote post about it here.

Not even their delicious fruit could make up for their transgressions.
Once again, my pettiness knows no bounds.

 

That's why they are now chopped up and thrown in the dump.

A bunch of deer came back for a few days before they realized the peach trees were gone.

The deer poop in my yard has been on a sharp decline.
There are no more sticky peach pits to scrape off the concrete.
It's like I'm in heaven. 





 But, my heart was almost ripped out when we found two little baby deer trapped in our backyard. They were clearly looking for food.

We opened the gate and tried to herd them through it but they were too scared.
I would be scared too if a 2 year old was running at me and screaming  "KISS DEER! HOLD DEER!" dressed only in a pee-filled diaper.

They were so cute and little (not my kids, the deer.) I wish I took a picture.



Also, Grandma Annette read my blog and approved of all things inappropriate, in case you were wondering.






8.01.2016

Chucky 2.0



I have been heartbroken the last couple of days.
I even cried, and I rarely cry because I'm not a little wussy. .

Jared's Grandma, Annette, passed away July 28.
She is one of the most influential people in my life.

I am working on a post about her because she is an amazing human being.
I'll post it as soon as I feel my sub-par writing abilities can express what she meant to me and our entire family.

Either way, I'm sad, Jared is sad, and Ryan is crushed.

So, we adopted a cat.




Kittens make things better.

My kids automatically started calling him Chucky, the same name as our previous cat. They think all cats are named Chucky so I just went with it.




Companion animals are so freaking awesome.
They are so innocent and eager to love and sometimes have poop accidents. Just like children.
Which is why animals and kids are my favorite ever.

We were heading to the animal shelter in Murray, UT and stopped at PETCO to buy cat supplies.

I buy food and litter from Costco because if I can save $3.42 I will do it.

We went to PETCO to buy cat shampoo because I am an awful person who bathes their cat. I'm not about to have a filthy cat running through my clean house.

As we were leaving, Ogden Animal Services walked in with a butt-load of cats ready to be adopted.
I really didn't want to drive to Murray because lazy.
It was perfect timing.


Ryan, Tyler, and I held all the small kittens to gauge their temperament and how well they reacted to a sudden onslaught of harassment from a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old.




I didn't care what the cat looked like, I just wanted it to be cuddly, friendly, and litter box trained.

All the kittens were so cute and I believe if they really work hard, say their prayers, and stand in holy places, then they will get adopted too.

We held a little cat with cute orange/white fur.

This freaking cat let Tyler pull his eyes open and poke his eyeballs.
 The cat also let my boys pull his tail up numerous times so they could look at the butthole and laugh manically.

The kitten didn't even run away.




After that, a warm spirit filled my heart and I knew this was the cat meant for us. Amen.