I'm the type parent that feels like the more hate you cultivate (wait, did I just rhyme? I knew I should of been a white girl rapper......)
Continuing on,
I feel like the amount of hate my kids feel towards me is directly related to how good of a parent I am.
Exponential hate is the best kind of hate.
I'm not talking about severe amounts of hatred, I'm talking about HEALTHY amounts.
Just enough so that they resent you in their early 20's but they'll still visit you on Sundays.
Like, If my kids think it's cool to not eat the dinner I made for them, you can count on me to emotionally berate them and/or guilting them into eating it.
I'm not about to cook them food without the expectation they would eat that crap.
I HATE COOKING, but I DON'T HATE yelling at my unappreciative kids.
Or what if they think its cool to not pee before we leave the house?
Imma emotionally abuse them until they march into that bathroom right now and at least give it a try.
One time, T-Bag Tyler was yelling in the house and I took it up a few decibels to show him who was louder.
Nothing makes me want to make an appointment with planned parenthood more than when my kids yell in the freaking house.
That gets real old, REAL fast.
It's my job as a mediocre parent to teach them the ways of our cruel world and if that involves them hating me sometimes, I accept it.
I can't handle the parents who want their kids to love them 100% of the time. Where is the fun in that?
It's your responsibly and God given right to piss your kids off.
I LOATHED my parents a solid 89% of my formative years and look at me now. I turned into a semi-productive citizen who generally obeys the law. And I LOVE my parents now.
Folding laundry is for overachievers. So it's not for me.
I like to operate in the margins and do things a little different.....and I hate folding...... and I'm lazy.
Sexy computer babe, Bill Gates, said it best:
I'm a clean freak so I wash my kids clothes, pajamas, blankets, and finger-less Micheal Jackson gloves every time they wear them. Even if they only wore it for a couple of hours.
Kids are gross.
I don't need dirty clothes fouling up my clean house.
And, I really don't like smelling boogers, dirt, and boy sweat.
I like when they smell like toxic chemicals like bleach, detergent, and fabric softener.
That's right. I routinely sniff my children.
I know this compulsion creates more laundry for me, but I am too messed up in the head to stop the washing madness.
Washing and drying the clothes is no big deal.
It's the folding that cramps my mom-ing style.
I hate folding laundry because:
It's sooooo boring.
I don't have a long attention span for mindless monotony. Never mind, I just remembered I look at Facebook and Pinterest all the time.
What I meant was that I don't have a long attention span for boring stuff.
I hate it.
I just stand at the counter for an hour and fold crap.
It's annoying.
The laundry is never truly done. It's annoying because every time you think you are caught up, your 2 year old pisses out of his diaper in the middle of the night and now you have to do more laundry.
It gets ruined by my kids.
I make my spawns put their own laundry away because I want to teach them a lesson. And that lesson is - Mommy hates putting laundry away so you have to or I will destroy everything you love.
Inevitably, one the them drops and entire stack on the way and everything I worked so hard for is ruined.
Then those little punks scurry through their drawers like rats and unfold everything. I know my fellow mom's feel my pain on this one.
It's stupid.
I'm an adult and don't have to fold laundry if I don't want to. So there's that.
A few years ago I realized that folding clothes is not necessary. You can still live a happy and fulfilled life if your undies are in wads and your shirts are shoved in a bin.
I still sort all the clothes so they are easy to find.
I'm non-nonchalant about folding but a little obsessive when it comes to organization.
Every clothing type has a designated space.
I bought a bunch of hooks to hang the kids nicer shirts and jackets on.
I got them at the Container Store and they are ridiculously useful. Hooks are so easy even T-Bag Tyler can hang up his shirts.
You know what else?
I refuse to iron anything except my hair.
Downy makes an enchanting product called wrinkle release and it actually works.
Spray that stuff on and you are good to go.
And it smells clean and fresh.
By the way, Husband does his own laundry, which is braggable.
He builds me furniture like a man and washes his own clothing like a woman. He also puts the toilet seat down.
He is so romantic.
These actions make up for the time when he bought me that apology dong.
If I was strong enough to stop folding, then so are you. (Unless you honestly enjoy folding, in that case you fold your little heart out. I respect your laundry decisions.)
It's time to make a stand against the establishment. Stick it to the Man and stop folding laundry. They can't control you anymore.
You can be lazy about laundry if you really put your mind to it.
A lipstick exists that really lasts all day, and I feel so blessed.
I am so excited about this lip stuff that if I was a boy, I would have the biggest boner ever erected.
I really like lip stuff.
I don't know about you, but I feel a lot more put together when I have lipstick or gloss on, even if I'm not wearing any other makeup.
My friend from high school, Dante, is a little punk and started selling this stuff on Facebook.
Now I'm addicted and can't stop buying new colors from her.
I doesn't help that she is cute, nice, and funny. She is one of those girls you really want to hate but can't since they are so cool.
I saw a demonstration similar to this:
I immediately thought, what kind of sorcery is this? I NEED IT.
So instead of buying food, diapers, and donating to charity that week I ordered lipstick..... like a good citizen.
It's called Lipsense.
I know.
Dumb name and even more horrible packaging.
A gold wand and a gold logo from late 1998?
For $25 a tube you would think the packaging would be a little more impressive. Has this company never walked into Sephora and seen how beautiful lipstick can be?
But since the product is amazing, I will excuse the tacky packaging.
Lipsense stays on ALL DAY and it's magical.
It's water-proof, smudge-proof, feather-proof, and kiss-proof.
For real.
My husband and 2 sons love that I don't leave lizard shaped kiss-prints on their faces anymore.
It's also vomit-proof, drool-proof, and baby-hitting-you-in-the-face-proof.
I may know from experience.
But there are some things you should know before buying Lipsense:
You HAVE to watch the tutorials before you put it on. This lip stuff is
not normal, and it won't work if you just throw it on like usual
lipstick. Try this one and here.
The first time you put on, it stings ("tingles" is what the website says, but I prefer to save this adjective for when I'm blogging about my husband) for a few seconds right when you apply it, but it's not a big deal.
When you first start using it, your lips might self-exfoliate or peel. Mine didn't peel, but they did get all dry/wrinkly for a few days.
The company says that your lips are exfoliating/peeling years of wax buildup from use of crappy chapsticks and other lip products.
But let's think about how absurd this is for a moment.
Years of wax build up? On my lips?
It's more likely that your lips are adjusting to the Lipsense formula and drying out since the first ingredient listed is Alcohol Denat. aka Denatured Alcohol.
Either way, this lipstick is still freaking amazing and I'm obsessed..... even if I suspect they lie about wax build-up.
You can buy a bunch of different lipsticks and layer them to create custom colors and it's awesome. You can even find dupes for MAC lipstick colors online.
When you order, DO NOT go to the Lipsense website to preview colors.
Their website is crappy and the colors they show don't match the actual product at all. Instead google it or look colors up on Pinterest.You can also look up this girls Facebook page, but she looks great in every color so lets all secretly hate her while simultaneously having a girl crush on her.
You are only supposed to use Lipsense Brand lip gloss over the lip color.
It does work great and extend the life of the lip color, but it's $20. I am a lip gloss whore and like to use and abuse it.You are supposed to wear their gloss or balms all the time. Even at night and when you aren't wearing the color.
I usually do whatever I want, so I rebel and only use the gloss when I have the color on.
And guess what? I still feel ok about myself.
Just make sure when you aren't wearing the color, the lip stuff you use is moisturizing and contains ingredients like shea butter or jojoba oil.
Any gloss or chapstick with mint in it jacked up the Lipsense colors pretty bad.
Lip Smackers also messes it up.
Ultimately, the Lipsense gloss works the best and it's nice to have some around, but it's ok if you don't use it all the time.
(They do have a matte gloss that I want to try and I'm pissed off because it's sold out right now. #1stworldproblems)
Only use the Oops! Remover for little mistakes you make while applying your color.
Using it at the to remove all of the lipstick takes forever, wastes product, and is a pain in the face. It also costs $10. Use a washcloth and Neutrogena Facial Cleansing Bar.
It's fast and only costs $3. Save the Oops Remover for application mistakes only.
BTW, the Remover comes in the starter kit for really cheap so if you get that, it's enough to last you for a loooonnnnggg time.
Lipsense lasts a whole lot longer than regular lipstick since you are only applying it once a day.
Less product used = Less money spent on lipstick.
Then you can buy more Lipsense.
I especially like that it smells medicinal. There is no way my kids
are going to eat this stuff, which means I automatically just saved a
ton of money and anger.
This is a big deal for me. I don't even want to think about how much money I've spent on lip stuff that my kids haveruined and/or eaten.
Lipsense dries fast and has no taste.
It's also surprisingly comfortable to wear. I assumed it would feel weird since it is so different from every other lip product, but it feels like a normal gloss or chapstick does.
AND how can you resist supporting a company that rewards it's sassy adult sales team with tiaras, sashes, and a throne?
I know I can't resist!
I am going back and forth on whether I want to sell it or not.
Mostly I want to sell it because I want the distributor discount.
But I am also too straight forward about the gloss and remover so I don't know if it would be worth it since I'd be talking people out of buying product.
Ugh. But I really want that discount.
.....And a sassy sales team tiara.
Just kidding, I already have a tiara from the party supply store.
But until then, if you want to buy any, you can go on their 1990's looking website and find a distributor near you or let me know and I will get Dante your info, she can ship anywhere and is really fast and prompt.
If I end up selling it, I will let you guys know and I could hook you guys up with some sort of deal.
Because what is better than everything-proof lipstick?
Getting a discount.
UPDATE:
You better can buy it from me!
Ugh, this stuff is too awesome not to buy a ton of it.
So I gave in and signed up as a distributor.
Check out my lame Facebook group page and I'll add you as a member. You can also comment or email me with questions and/or orders.
I ship anywhere in the U.S. and provide tracking numbers.
I'll hook you up with the starter kit for $50 instead of $55 if you mention that you read my blog or admit to laughing when small children say the "F" word.
Look at the lame video I had to make for the facebook page:
Don't judge me, jerks.
Even if you don't buy it from me, you have to try this stuff if you wear lipstick.
I apologize in advance for introducing you to this. It's addicting.
When you are pregnant or about to become a parent by other means, you also become a catalyst for unsolicited advice.
Every one you know will pounce on you and tell you everything they think you should do when you have a child.
A lot of super annoying mom's think they are professionals.
Be kind to these types of moms. They are only trying to help.
My unsolicited advice: Just smile and nod at them. Agree with them. Tell them they should write a book.
Then raise your kids however you freaking want to.
Usually you get standard advice and warnings, like:
- sleep when your baby sleeps.
- breastfeeding takes practice
- you are going to spend a lot of time staring at your little crotch muffin.
- toddlers get into everything, so kid-proof your entire existence.
- 2 year olds suck.
- you are going to get pissed on.
You get the idea.
I'm here to warn you about the disturbing and unexpected moments no one tells you about.
Hopefully, you will at least you'll feel solidarity with other parents when these things happen. You are not alone. I am here with you and understand your struggle.
There will be a point when you catch your kid pooping in it's diaper and your kid will look you straight in the eye while he keeps pooping.
There will be a point when you think to yourself, "Well we sure got our money's worth out of that diaper." And you will mentally fist pump and be proud of the 50 cents you spent.
You will realize you probably miss your kids more than they miss you.
Ryan went to Lake Powell with Husband for 6 days. I didn't go because 2-year-old T-Bag is the Devil and cannot be trusted on a houseboat. The Devil and I stayed home missing Husband and Ryan terribly.
When they got home, Ryan ran through the door and raced to give our cat a hug.Then he non-nonchalantly says - Oh. Hey Mom. Then he walked right past me to the bathroom to take a pee. I love you too Ryan!
Look how happy Ryan is.
You will try to get back to your white girl gangsta roots and buy the new Kanye West Album, only to realize you can't even listen to it because you don't want your kids repeating, "I made that B**ch faaaamoussss."
But then again, your kid WILL eventually swear, and you WILL laugh.
You will be picking boogers out of your kids nose with your bare hands and not even care. Your nasty self will even do it in front of people with no qualms whatsoever.
Your baby will pee and poop all over everything you love.
At some point you'll probably play with your child by holding your baby in the air above you, and the little brat will puke right into your smiling mouth.
It's extra nice if you breastfeed, because tasting your own curdled breast milk is a gift from above
Your child will torture your pet.
You will buy them way too many toys. Mostly because you, the adult, wanted to play with them.
Your kid is totally going to walk in on you having sex, and it will be awful. You will learn a solid lesson about locking doors during adult time.
There will be a time when you mistakenly eat beef jerky right before changing your baby's poop diaper and it will be the worst thing ever. Even worse than your kid walking in on adult time. You will never eat beef jerky again and you will never forgive yourself.
I like to think my parenting skills reflect in my children's behavior. So if you've ever met my kids, you know how inappropriate my skills are.
Even though I'm not a model parent, I still wanted to contribute to the internets world of parenting advice.
I apologize.
1. Before taking your kid to the doctor for immunizations, tell him he is getting 20 pokes with the needle. Then when he only gets 2-4 shots, he will be relived and totally stoked.
2. After your kid finishes a bottle or sippy cup and it's empty, put it in the fridge so you never have to actually wash it.
(Thanks for that brilliant piece of advice Kelly!)
3. Spray an obscene amount of Lysol and/or Febreze right before you empty a diaper genie sausage, then it will smell like disinfectant, spring meadows, and day old crap. Which believe me, is way better than just day old crap smell by itself.
4. Don't let your kids ever see you pee in the shower. If they do, they will forever think it's normal and do it every chance they get. They may even pee in there when it's the middle of the day and you guys aren't taking a shower.
5. You can easily lock your kids outside in the backyard. Then when you've had enough alone time, act like locking the door was an accident.
6. If your kids bug you to buy them a dog, but you already deal with enough butts and poop as it is, tell your kid you will buy them a dog after they clean up all your neighbor's dog's poop for an entire month.
7. Don't ever travel with small children.
8. No. For real. Don't ever travel with small children. It may sound fun, but I promise you it's not fun at all. Wait until they are 25 years old.
Seriously.
9. When you decide to potty train your kid, buy only brown or yellow underwear. You know why.
10. Teach your kids the correct anatomical names for all their privates i.e. penis, scrotum, testicles, vas deferens... Then when you take them out in public and your kids will repeat everything and sound very educated.
Here's an extra tip since I like you guys so much and I feel bad about readers who came here for real parental advice:
BTW, I had to re-do the graphic since the original one was ugly.
It's so easy for me to brush my kids off when they need to inform me about dumb stuff.
This quote literally changed my perspective of all the stuff they want to tell me. Now I act super interested when they run in and tell me they picked up a dead squirrel and now it's on the kitchen table so I can see it.
Let's be real here.
I'm not a very spiritual person.
I go to church because I think it is good for the community and my kids.
It's good to learn right and wrong, to always be working towards something, and being part of something larger than yourself.
What I do believe in is helping other people.
I am kind of an A-hole sometimes. If you're reading this blog, you're probably a little bit of an A-hole too since only A-holes find this entertaining. :)
That's why I think it's so important that I go out of my way to help people. Not all the time though. Like once a week max.
I believe in balance. And to balance my A-hole-ness, I go out of my way to spread a little love.
I believe God made us and wants us to do more good in the universe than bad.
I want my kids to be gracious and know how lucky and spoiled they are.
I want them to enjoy and know the importance of giving.
I want them to feel good about themselves when they help.
I want them to realize an entire world exists outside of themselves.
And I want them to know that even though I'm kind of a freak, I can also be nice... sometimes.
I think life is so hectic sometimes we feel like we can't help anyone even though when actually we are.
This video illustrates this perfectly.
So, every woman should watch this. Even if your not parenting small children, even if don't go to church, and even if you feel like watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills instead.
Some ways you can practice not being a jerk:
Take your Grandma, Grandpa, or any other person, who likes Taco Bell to lunch.
Write to a prisoner at your local prison, become pen pals, send him money so he can buy cigarettes.
Make cupcakes for someone then let your kids lick the batter off your counter.
Volunteer at your church. We just helped clean our meetinghouse last week! Get there early though so you don't have to clean the bathrooms. If you do get stuck cleaning the bathrooms, quit that church.
Make Dinner for a family going through a hard time. (or if you are like me, go to the grocery store and buy pre-made food then pretend like you made it even though it's in the store's packaging.)
Hand out Sunscreen to homeless people. I used to make those trendy hygiene kits for Ryan to pass out but then I read this blog, The Survival Guide to Homelessness, and figured sunscreen is pretty important if you are outside most of the time. Homeless people get wrinkles too you guys.
Play with your kids. Like, get on the floor, grab a dinosaur, roar, and attack them. They will love it.
My spirit animal Christie had a really cute idea she put on her inappropriate blog. Make cards with your kids and hand them out at an old folks home.
Have your kids donate the toys they don't play with anymore to charity.
Donate books and kids craft stuff to a children's hospital. Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City love this crap. You can just drop it off at the front desk.
Send a picture message to someone of yourself smiling super cute, like my brother Jake did for me. His adorable face brightens my day and restores my faith in humanity.
When someone cuts you off in traffic, try to not flip them off or use the eff word.
When you see someone and think something nice about them, tell them.
I would think of some more stuff you could do but Ryan just yelled, "MOOOOOOMMMM! CAN YOU COME WIPE MY BUTT????"
And yes, I count wiping butts as helping others.
Time for a super fascinating blog post.
You will probably want to make time to read this in one sitting.
Cleaning.
I love clean stuff.
I cannot function in a dirty unorganized environment. I am the A-hole who will be a guest at your house and start cleaning randomly. I do it to my gross brother Jake all the time.
I am also a cleaning product whore.
I try everything, but the following are my favorites.
1. Bona
This floor cleaner is magical. Cleans and dries fast and leaves no streaks. Plus the name sounds like boner.
2. Method Cleaner
Smell delicious and doesn't leave streaks on granite.
3. Barkeepers Friend Any friend of a barkeepers is a friend of mine.
4. Clorox Bleach
Because germs.
5. Sprayway Stainless Steel cleaner
I am really hateful towards fingerprints on stainless steel. One time I wanted to start a Concentration Camp for wayward prints but then I found this cleaner and am working through my problems like an adult.
6. Sprayway Glass Cleaner No streaks and it's cheap at Costco.
7. Swiffer Dusters
Cause I'm lazy.
8. Mr. Clean with Fabreze
If heaven had a signature scent, this would be it.
9. Downy Scent Beads
Laundry sucks. It sucks significantly less when it smells amazing. The smell stays on your clothes and sheets for over a week and it is delightful.
10. A Razor Blade
I live in Herriman and have hard water. I obsessively scrape build-up so I can feel good about life again. Also to cut someone if I need to.
And here's a picture to make you feel dirty and uncomfortable:
Exponential hate is the best kind of hate.
