Right Arms - After Kids

If you don't get this drawing, you are too pure and good to be reading my blog.
Do yourself a favor and read something else!
I still appreciate you though.

To everyone who understands my jokes, you are my people. 💓💓💓

MOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

This happens to me 20 times a day, so I decided to draw it.

Oh yeah, I'm cool enough to have an Instagram account now: @emilyscottstuff
Follow me! Or don't... whatevs.
But if you do decided to follow me, please have extremely low expectations for quality content.

(Innapropriate) Maternity Photos: Part II

READ PART I HERE!


I'm still obsessed with how pretty my maternity dress was.
 

I just can't seem to feel attractive when I'm throwing up, peeing my pants, and chronically constipated.
BUT, my photographer, Ashley, captured incredible pics that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have felt during a pregnancy.
(BTW, her instagram is magical: ashbridgewater.jpg)

I didn't want to take the dress off.
(The dress was made by Sew Trendy which is also magical. Don't be mad my high school friend owns the company.)

So I came up with a few more ideas to complete the photo shoot.

Ashley is a consummate professional but agreed to document my bad decisions.

I really don't know what to say about the following pictures.

We went to a famed Utah strip club off State Street.
I took a couple pics outside, because I didn't think the club managers would actually let me in to take pictures.

 It's amazing how good the photographs are considering Ashley and I couldn't stop laughing.


We walked inside and asked the super nice and super hot receptionist if I could embarrass myself.

She got the manager for us.

He was laughing super hard about my idea and said I could even get on a stage if I wanted.

WHAT?!?!

It's always been a childhood dream of mine to be a pregnant stripper in a fancy dress.

I guess Tuesdays are slow for strip clubs because there weren't that many guys there.
Which was totally fine since I already paid my bills that month.

Before I went in, I was a little worried the girls who worked there would be a little mad about me for basically making fun of their jobs.

Instead, the girls were totally laughing at the idea and helped us as much as they could.

They aren't dumb. They treat stripping as a means to an end and have no problem poking a little fun at it.

They gave me posing tips (even though I still look awkward af) and the burly 40-somthing-year-old bouncer fixed my gown so it would be especially beautiful.

 I try not to judge people but I really didn't expect all the girls and staff to be so funny, nice, and helpful.
Thanks pretty Salt Lake City strippers.


Next stop was one of my most favorite places in the world.

Taco Bell💗

Taco Bell was pretty much the only thing I ate this whole pregnancy. Baby #3 is practically made out of chicken chalupas and nachos with extra cheese, so I wanted to honor that.

 By the way, not only is Ashley Bridgewater a good photographer, but is also an excellent burrito eater. She was probably pretty popular in high school.

I really wanted my maternity photos to tell a story.
Something like, girl is pregnant, girl gets fancy dress, girl go to strip club, girl is hungry, girl eats chalupas, girl pees behind dumpster.

Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face when you are laughing at how clever you are?

By the way, can I just say that I am so flattered and grateful that anyone reads my blog? Making people smile, laugh, or get seriously offended, fulfills me in ways you can't imagine.
So really. Thanks for reading.





P.S. If you are offended by anything here, please email me at emilybarlocker@yahoo.com so I can show my friends and save it in my "funny stuff" folder.

 Also I got a few other suggestions for the photo shoot, one having to do with a hanger and shop vac, so really, this could of been a lot worse. (You know who you are person that thought of that 💗.)

I'm An Idiot About My Blog And I Went To A Kazoo Recital

So I'm an idiot.

I'm trying to give my blog a fresh look but instead I just jacked it up.

I deleted all my followers on accident.
If you want to follow my dumb-A, you still can! But I really don't recommend you reading my nonsense. It's your own choice though, do what your heart tells you.

Also, there are a bunch of problems with this new template I'm using.
Please be patient while I figure this crap out.

If it helps you feel any better, I went to a Kazoo Recital last week.

That's right. My favorite Grandma is in a Kazoo band at her old people club.

It was as magical as you think it would be. 

My phone is super bad at pics/video, but about halfway through this clip you can hear the kazoo-ing for yourself.

Awesome, right?!

Thanks for reading!
I"ll get my life together soon.

Stupid Things I've Cried About While Being Pregnant

This is actually hard for me to admit, but being pregnant with baby #3 has left me a sobbing mess.

I'm not a cryer.
I hate crying.

I have a sick sense of pride that tears rarely leave my body.

My first two pregnancy's had no effect on my emotions. I felt normal as far as emotions went.

A lot of people say that being pregs with girls is different than being pregs with boys.

As I looked back over the last 37 weeks, I realized what a crying little wuss I've been.
I don't know if it's because my baby has a vagina or if I'm turning into one.

The extra embarrassing part is what I cry about. It's the stupidest stuff ever. I would never shed tears over this stuff in real life.

Here is some of the stupid stuff I've been blubbering about:

• My hair.

I got my hair done a month ago. It was too blonde, so I cried 4 days in a row until I got it fixed. I even cried in front of Husband and it was super embarrassing.

Look how yellow/orange it was.
I sobbed about this on the phone to my mom. I know it's just hair. Embarrassing.

• Jared and I didn't have sex before he went out of town.

Because now he thinks I'm fat and ugly and he doesn't love me anymore. I just know it. And what if he dies and that was my last chance to bang him?

Don't worry though. I called him, he turned his car around, and came home for a quickie. 

• A video of a precious moment between a mom and baby. 

It made me cry but that didn't stop me from watching it 20 times.

• The baby's room was a mess.

 Yeah, I whimpered about this too. Then I just organized it and was fine. 

• I threw up in public.

I'm no stranger to throwing up in public, I do it all the time when I'm knocked up.
But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester it suddenly makes me cry.
I don't cry until I get home, but still.

• I scratched my car.

I don't even care about my car. I don't need the newest or coolest car.

There is a reason I drive an older inexpensive car, and that reason is because I like not stressing out about it. But you better believe I cried about scratching the car I don't care about. Why? Cause I'm pregnant.

• I peed my pants for the 8937089286th time.

It's frustrating and I'm sick of doing extra laundry. Plus, my 5 year old harasses and bullies me about it.

• A guy hit on me at the grocery store.

That is so freaking disgusting to me. A guy is really interested in hooking up with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby? Ew, Gross. He was even wearing an Ed Hardy-esque shirt with rhinestones. What kind of world am I bringing a baby into?

• My brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Jenny, threw me a little birthday party.

It was so cute and unexpected. It was so nice of them. They made my favorite french dip sandwiches and got me cupcakes.

They bought me flowers and a meat stick.

 AND a freaking Raptor skull because skulls make me happy.

It was so nice. Of course I cried.

• I can't see my pubes good enough to trim them.

What is my ob/gyn going to think? I want to be judged by the content of my character and not my pube situation.




This is just a small sampling of all the stupid stuff I've cried about. Hopefully I'm not the only pregnant girl that does this.
WWHHAAAHHH!

Why Wiggle Bikes Piss Me Off A Little Bit

I bought my little angles wiggles bikes for Christmas 2015.

I got them on a sweet sale. 2 bikes for $50. I was happy since I was going to buy them anyway, but the universe knows how much discounts mean to me and blessed me with this sale.

The boys LOVE the bikes.

Actually everyone loves these bikes, including my 60-something year old father in-law.
 

We went to a skate park with sis-in-law Stephanie and her kids to see if anyone could survive.
There were multiple close calls.

I didn't take pictures of all the boys there. I was too busy trying not to let my heart drop out of my butt 10 times.

The kids had no fear + they are dumb = Boy-momming is nerve racking at the skate park.

I'm glad we brought their helmets.

The worst thing to happen was that one year old Noah slurped up some tepid water from an old puddle and vomited 3 times the next day.
Luckily he is alive and well.

Noah routinely eats dirt, pine cones, and berries he finds on the ground so I think he is somewhat immune to disease.

Even though wiggles bikes are cool, they also piss me of a little bit.

Kids drag their feet while riding them and it completely ruins their shoes. 

My kids jacked up 3 pairs of nice shoes before I caught on. 



I learned my lesson about buying nice kids shoes. 

Now both my boys have designated "wiggle bike shoes", complete with duct tape for a little white trash flair. 

  

Anyway, don't let your kids ride wiggle bikes unless they are wearing crappy shoes. 

Contour Fail / Mustache Win

Have you ever watched the beauty guru channels on YouTube?
They are addicting-ly fabulous.

 NikkieTutorials

jeffreestar

Why am I so late to this enchanting party?

I love makeup. It hides my adult acne, my eyebrow situation, and my insecurity.
I wear makeup everyday. I feel better when I am all ready and put together. It makes me feel like I can handle the shitshow day. 


If I didn't pull myself together and looked like a dump, I would straight up sit on my couch all and make sweet love to Netflix.

When I was 18-20 I worked as a manager at Victoria's Secret Beauty. This was 10-12 years ago when 1/2 of the store was all makeup, lotion, and edible massage oil.

Everyone knew how to do makeup decently well, we were good enough to sell it.
This was before the internet, YouTube, and Sephora.


After watching these videos, I now see the error in my crappy makeup skills.

My 18-20 year old self is embarrassed.

Speaking of Sephora, almost every time we go, Titty Monkey Tyler sneaks $30 lipsticks and applies it all over his face, until I realize what he's doing.
Then I take a picture.

I mean, I could stop him, but why would I want to? 

It's precious.
The employees love us there.

I've been wanting to try the whole face contouring thing and bought this Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit.
Mostly because it looked like it had buttloads of class.

(source)

It was so fancy that I felt like every time I handled it, I should have my pinky finger raised in the air.

I watched 327 contouring tutorials, took 6 hits of acid, said a prayer, and went to work.
And by acid, I mean goldfish crackers.


I tried hard, I really did.
But after 20 minutes of beauty blending I lost focus. Do people really take this long to put on foundation? I have butts to wipe, laundry to do, and a short attention span.

On a normal day I spend 10 minutes doing ALL my makeup. 

I felt like I had a thick layer of shellac on my face, but it still looked pretty much the same. I clearly need more talent than a makeup store at the mall afforded me.

I tried to redeem myself by doing sexy shimmer eye shadow but ended up looking like an amateur drag queen (which could have been awesome if I wasn't a stay at home mom).

I'm sure the Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit is lovely, in the hands of a professional. 


Given Tyler's affinity for makeup, he stood and watched me fumble my way through my makeup.

It was so sweet because even though my face was a mess, he still asked me to put some on him.
It's like he loves me for who I am and not what I do.


When I was done with Tyler's summer glam look, he really wanted me to finish it off with a mustache.

Then he wanted me to finish mine with a mustache too.
My face was jacked up, so at this point a mustache could only help.
And it's not like I've never had a dirty sanchez before.

Next, he wanted "mom's other hair" and when I realized what he meant, I was glad it wasn't my pubes.

When I made him wash the makeup off, he totally over reacted.
He ran in his room and cried like an angry elf for 10 minutes.

At least Husband and I know that if we ever have a girl, she will be incredibly good looking.

Tree Hate

I haven't blogged because I am a wuss and have been super sad about Grandma Annette passing away.  She was really the most influential person in my life.


But...........

Guess what little rabid squirrels and mangy deer?!?!?
We destroyed your food source!

Wait, I digress, I actually love the wildlife here in Utah.
It reminds me that there is more to life than wiping butts, Walmart, and doing the dishes.

But, when we bought our Utah house we inherited the most evil trees I have met in my entire life.

Man, I seriously hated those trees and everything they represented.

That's why a couple of weeks ago I had Jared murder them.


I can barely describe the pain and disappointment these trees gave me.
They pissed me off so bad I even wrote post about it here.

Not even their delicious fruit could make up for their transgressions.
Once again, my pettiness knows no bounds.

 

That's why they are now chopped up and thrown in the dump.

A bunch of deer came back for a few days before they realized the peach trees were gone.

The deer poop in my yard has been on a sharp decline.
There are no more sticky peach pits to scrape off the concrete.
It's like I'm in heaven. 

 But, my heart was almost ripped out when we found two little baby deer trapped in our backyard. They were clearly looking for food.

We opened the gate and tried to herd them through it but they were too scared.
I would be scared too if a 2 year old was running at me and screaming  "KISS DEER! HOLD DEER!" dressed only in a pee-filled diaper.

They were so cute and little (not my kids, the deer.) I wish I took a picture.



Also, Grandma Annette read my blog and approved of all things inappropriate, in case you were wondering.

Pink Team

I played soccer a lot of my young life, so it's only natural for me to re-live my youth through my offspring.

I signed Ryan up for his first season of  co-ed soccer.

Last Saturday, the Herriman Rec Center had this huge soccer team organization day. You met there at a certain time for your age group, met your coach, had a mini-practice, and got your team jersey. We got there about 10 minutes late.

There was 20 different teams practicing all over the field.
On the very end of the field was this team with bubblegum pink uniforms.

I started talking mad trash to Ryan. Because there were 20 other teams I assumed there was a low probability that he was assigned to the pink team.

I told him he was going to be on the pink team and turn into a girl.
I offered to do his makeup and hair before all his soccer games.
I said it was cool if he wanted to start sitting down to pee. 
I told him he was going to grow boobs.


Then, of course, we found out he was indeed on the Pink team.

Ryan was pissed off.

Even though the other boys on his team were already wearing their jerseys, Ryan refused to put it on.
After all my trash talking, there was nothing anyone could say to make him OK with his team.

Even the other boys on the team couldn't convince him that pink was cool.
I had to admit to the other parents that I mercilessly teased him on the way there.

Luckily, I had signed Ryan up for the wrong age division, so a short email, and a quick response later, Ryan was on a different team.

We pick up his uniform today and I'm really hoping it's not pink.

And I learned my lesson. I will never tease my kids about soccer uniform colors again.

Easter 2016

My parents went out of town for Easter so they surprised my terror children with an early Easter egg hunt. They are my best parents ever.

We went to a family Easter egg hunt with my Dad's side of the family. That's one good thing about Utah. Family stuff. And free food.

Ryan is obsessed with my 11 year old cousin Ty.
Ty's sister is my kid's regular babysitter so they play together a lot.
Ty is freaking awesome with him. He plays with him for hours.

Ryan says when he grows up, he only wants to live with Cousin Ty.
I told him it's not socially acceptable in Utah, but if he moved to San Francisco he could find acceptance.






Since I forgot Tyler's 2nd birthday earlier this month, I figured I better put in a little more effort for Easter.

I'm not big on buying my kids a ton of toys for each holiday. I know people who for real spend over a $100 per kid on Easter presents. $100!!!!!!!! On toys!
My cheap A** cannot fathom spending that much.

Let's face it. They are middle-class white kids who live in the suburbs and have more toys than they need.

I don't want to spoil them and I don't want my house looking like Toys R Us, so instead of toys they get random food and whatever candy I've been craving.
 They are still stoked Easter morning and I don't have to find storage for more toys they won't play with after 10 minutes. Win.


Last year the Easter Bunny left an awesome treasure hunt for Ryan to find his basket. This year Ryan was hoping there would be another equally awesome treasure hunt.
Before he went to bed he had me write a note and leave out some old flaccid carrots that we found at the back of the fridge.

By the time the kids fell asleep I was feeling pretty un-Eastery.
I wasn't in the mood to make an elaborate treasure hunt, so I just hung up some balloons. Kids like balloons, right?

I also bought them some cereal and some cookies since we needed some snacks around the house anyway. Look how much of my favorite candy is displayed. They had no idea that I was planning on eating a good portion of it. And I did.





I did actually get a couple things just for them. $3 bubbles and a $15 slip and slide. We have a hill in our yard and the slip and slide is going to be magical once it's warm enough to use it. The boys were giddy about both the bubbles and the slide.

See? When you set low expectations, they are happy with anything.

Notice if you will, the lazy sign I made from the Easter bunny making an excuse as to why I didn't hook them up with a treasure hunt.
Ryan understood and wasn't mad about it.

However, he was a bit skeptical of the questionable bunny print/signature I threw on at the end.

I fumbled around trying to make up an excuse as to why the bunny print looked so jacked up. I couldn't think of any plausible excuse so I just changed the subject and offered him a bunch of candy for breakfast.

We did a lot of Easter crafts that day to make up for my lame attempt at being the Easter bunny. The kids were still excited the whole day and loved everything so I guess I still win?