I Actually Have A Bed

I am 32 and my husband is 37.
We have been married 11 1/2 years.

And for the entire time we've been frat-boy-ing it on a mattress on the ground.

We were way to cool and hipster to spend money on a bed.

My parents felt bad for us and even offered to buy us a bedroom set.
We declined because we couldn't find anything we liked that wasn't obscenely expensive.

I guess I understand why they didn't want to buy us a Restoration Hardware bedroom set.
It's because they don't love me $8000 dollars worth.

I don't really care all that much about furniture. You've seen my house. It looks like 2 college kids got married and kept their dorm room stuff for 11 1/2 years.

We don't mind waiting a while until we save enough money to get something we love. 

Any furniture we get has to be exactly what we want and well built so it will last throughout abuse it will take. Especially a bed. 

Our home is very brown.
Typical Utah house.
 Which is warm and cozy, but not my style.

I like clean lines, and white everything.
I love things bright and fresh. Not cozy.

I'm not cozy and I don't want anyone getting too comfortable in my house.

I wanted more white in the bedroom even though it's not a pure virginal space.
So Jared got his fancy craft-man pants on made an amazing white wall for me.

It goes with the bookcase he made for our front room.
I looks like the workshop and all the money we spent on tools is actually paying off.
Plus, Jared loves building stuff and I love him building stuff. win. 

I really liked a couple of beds from Pottery Barn.

Jared said he could make me one.

And he did.

By the way, how attractive is it when men build things with their hands? Very attractive.
I even put out.

Jear-Bear is awesome. Look how beautiful it turned out.

It's so clean and simple.
It's also a special luxury to sleep in a real bed. I felt so classy.

It only cost us around $600 for materials.

To be honest, I mostly wanted a canopy bed so I could fulfill my childhood dream of a huge bed-tent.

It was everything I hoped for and more.

Dreams do come true.

Also, my kids are not naked in this pic, I have a "no nakeds" policy on all bedding.
They were just in their undies.

As we speak, Husband is working on painting the kitchen cabinets white, and I just peed my pants with excitement thinking about it!!! (To be fair, after 2 kids, I pee my pants over everything.)


I Have Crooked Kids

Ryan was born with a super crooked nose.
It was slightly alarming.

When I first saw him I wondered how hard it would be to switch him with one of the other babies in the nursery with straight noses.

Then I remembered that was a felony.

Just kidding. I was super excited for this little crooked-nosed bundle of joy.

I adored him and even breastfed him! (Even though it hurt worse than a punch to the vadge.)
I worried about him. He had a bit of a hard time breathing, especially when smashed up against my humongous boobs.

I was glad everything else about him was healthy
I asked our doctors about surgery, nose braces, or anything else that would make him "normal" and help him breathe better. 

As a mom you just want your little poop-machine to be perfect.
Thankfully a crooked nose is not that big of a deal compared to other complications.

Ryan's little nose straightened out pretty quickly. After a week it was perfectly straight.

I was relieved.
Mostly because I didn't feel like I would suffocate him with my vein-y post-pregnancy tits.

I thought this would be the only crooked thing in my family.

Then little baby T-Bag came along.
He was crooked too.

But he was crooked in a much more amusing way.

T-Bag was born with a bent line down his bum.
It definitely did not straighten out, since the picture above is from today. 

But who am I to judge his split?
The top of his butt crack is a free spirit.

If his crack wants to bend towards the left I should support and accept it.
I will foster a loving environment for it and constantly reinforce my love and care for it.

At least this crookedness won't be suffocated by my boobs. 

Well played God. Well played.
Very clever.

However, if we are blessed with another child, I'm concerned/excited to find what will be crooked next.

Any guesses?


13 Disturbing Parenting Moments

When you are pregnant or about to become a parent by other means, you also become a catalyst for unsolicited advice.

Every one you know will pounce on you and tell you everything they think you should do when you have a child.

A lot of super annoying mom's think they are professionals.

Be kind to these types of moms. They are only trying to help.
My unsolicited advice: Just smile and nod at them. Agree with them. Tell them they should write a book.

Then raise your kids however you freaking want to.

Usually you get standard advice and warnings, like:

- sleep when your baby sleeps.
- breastfeeding takes practice
- you are going to spend a lot of time staring at your little crotch muffin.
- toddlers get into everything, so kid-proof your entire existence.
- 2 year olds suck.
- you are going to get pissed on.

You get the idea.
I'm here to warn you about the disturbing and unexpected moments no one tells you about.

Hopefully, you will at least you'll feel solidarity with other parents when these things happen. You are not alone. I am here with you and understand your struggle.

  • There will be a point when you catch your kid pooping in it's diaper and your kid will look you straight in the eye while he keeps pooping. 

  • There will be a point when you think to yourself, "Well we sure got our money's worth out of that diaper." And you will mentally fist pump and be proud of the 50 cents you spent.

  • You will realize you probably miss your kids more than they miss you.
Ryan went to Lake Powell with Husband for 6 days. I didn't go because 2-year-old T-Bag is the Devil and cannot be trusted on a houseboat. The Devil and I stayed home missing Husband and Ryan terribly.
When they got home, Ryan ran through the door and raced to give our cat a hug.Then he non-nonchalantly says - Oh. Hey Mom. Then he walked right past me to the bathroom to take a pee. I love you too Ryan!  

Look how happy Ryan is. 

  • You will try to get back to your white girl gangsta roots and buy the new Kanye West Album, only to realize you can't even listen to it because you don't want your kids repeating, "I made that B**ch faaaamoussss."

  • But then again, your kid WILL eventually swear, and you WILL laugh.

  • You will be picking boogers out of your kids nose with your bare hands and not even care. Your nasty self will even do it in front of people with no qualms whatsoever.

  • Your baby will pee and poop all over everything you love.

  • At some point you'll probably play with your child by holding your baby in the air above you, and the little brat will puke right into your smiling mouth. 
It's extra nice if you breastfeed, because tasting your own curdled breast milk is a gift from above

  • Your child will torture your pet.

  • You will buy them way too many toys. Mostly because you, the adult, wanted to play with them.

  • Your kid is totally going to walk in on you having sex, and it will be awful. You will learn a solid lesson about locking doors during adult time.

  • There will be a time when you mistakenly eat beef jerky right before changing your baby's poop diaper and it will be the worst thing ever. Even worse than your kid walking in on adult time. You will never eat beef jerky again and you will never forgive yourself.


  • Nothing will ever be the same. You will worry all the time. You love them so much that you constantly stress about their safety, health and happiness.

Life will be very different.

BUT it will be funnier, happier, and WAY cuter than it was before.

Oh, and also WAY creepier: 


Contour Fail / Mustache Win

Have you ever watched the beauty guru channels on YouTube?
They are addicting-ly fabulous.

Why am I so late to this enchanting party?

I love makeup. It hides my adult acne, my eyebrow situation, and my insecurity.
I wear makeup everyday. I feel better when I am all ready and put together. It makes me feel like I can handle the shitshow day. 

If I didn't pull myself together and looked like a dump, I would straight up sit on my couch all and make sweet love to Netflix.

When I was 18-20 I worked as a manager at Victoria's Secret Beauty. This was 10-12 years ago when 1/2 of the store was all makeup, lotion, and edible massage oil.

Everyone knew how to do makeup decently well, we were good enough to sell it.
This was before the internet, YouTube, and Sephora.

After watching these videos, I now see the error in my crappy makeup skills.

My 18-20 year old self is embarrassed.

Speaking of Sephora, almost every time we go, Titty Monkey Tyler sneaks $30 lipsticks and applies it all over his face, until I realize what he's doing.
Then I take a picture.

I mean, I could stop him, but why would I want to? 

It's precious.
The employees love us there.

I've been wanting to try the whole face contouring thing and bought this Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit.
Mostly because it looked like it had buttloads of class.

It was so fancy that I felt like every time I handled it, I should have my pinky finger raised in the air.

I watched 327 contouring tutorials, took 6 hits of acid, said a prayer, and went to work.
And by acid, I mean goldfish crackers.

I tried hard, I really did.
But after 20 minutes of beauty blending I lost focus. Do people really take this long to put on foundation? I have butts to wipe, laundry to do, and a short attention span.

On a normal day I spend 10 minutes doing ALL my makeup. 

I felt like I had a thick layer of shellac on my face, but it still looked pretty much the same. I clearly need more talent than a makeup store at the mall afforded me.

I tried to redeem myself by doing sexy shimmer eye shadow but ended up looking like an amateur drag queen (which could have been awesome if I wasn't a stay at home mom).

I'm sure the Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit is lovely, in the hands of a professional. 

Given Tyler's affinity for makeup, he stood and watched me fumble my way through my makeup.

It was so sweet because even though my face was a mess, he still asked me to put some on him.
It's like he loves me for who I am and not what I do.

When I was done with Tyler's summer glam look, he really wanted me to finish it off with a mustache.

Then he wanted me to finish mine with a mustache too.
My face was jacked up, so at this point a mustache could only help.
And it's not like I've never had a dirty sanchez before.

Next, he wanted "mom's other hair" and when I realized what he meant, I was glad it wasn't my pubes.

When I made him wash the makeup off, he totally over reacted.
He ran in his room and cried like an angry elf for 10 minutes.

At least Husband and I know that if we ever have a girl, she will be incredibly good looking.