Commandment #11

I've committed a horrible sin.

Yes, I've broken the cardinal rule of all rules. The coup de grace of all mortal blows. The question that can only end up embarrassing both the asker and the recipient.

I asked a chick if she was pregnant.

First Offense
When: 2006

Where: Outback Steakhouse in Dayton, Ohio

Who: Me (the waitress) and an unsuspecting customer

Why: I was young and naive

I swear this 30-something year old chick looked 7 months pregnant. Plus, she and her date were holding hand across the table all night talking about kids. When I handed them the check, I inquired about their impending Due Date.

Me: So, when are you due?
Unsuspecting Chick: um, excuse me?

Me: Uhhhhhh... when are you due (*cough*)
UC: I think I misunderstood you, say it again?

Me: Here's your check.

Then I ran away. I also paid another waiter $5 to go pick up their credit card so I wouldn't have to face the angry couple. I didn't get a tip. Did I learn my lesson??? OF COURSE NOT! I even discussed this last week at a dinner with a group of friends. We all agreed that the question of pregnancy is to be avoided no matter what. A couple days later I did this:

Second Offense

When: 2 Days ago

Where: A store at the mall
Who: The salesgirl
Why: I am a flat out idiot

The sales girl looked knocked up. She was actually wearing a maternity shirt that the store had displayed in the front window. I put it together: maternity shirt + pregnant looking stomach = 100% pregnant. WRONG! I felt like such a jerk-off I stayed and talked to her for 10 minutes about her kids. I even looked at pictures of them and said, "Awwwww! They are precious! Look at all that hair!"

Then I left and Jared called me dumb.

Pregnant or fat? That is the question. And I will never ask it again.

I hereby promise to never ask another human that question ever, ever, ever. May God forgive me. amen.


Meat Stick

As I prepare to visit my family for the holidays, I am reminded of childhood traditions..... most notably..... the Meat Stick.

My family loves these things.

On Christmas morning we would all wake up to stockings filled with a toothbrush, peanuts, and our very own Meat Stick. Jared vividly remembers visiting the Barlocker house while we were dating.

"I'd come over and there would be like 9 Meat Sticks scattered around the house. All of them would have various amounts gnawed off."

He once found my little sisters meat stick behind the pillow on the couch. She was very grateful that he had found it and began chewing off the side of it.

That's how we roll at the Barlocker house. word.

Side-note: I would not recommend eating any meat that does not require refrigeration.


I Found a Tooth

Everyday I go to work hoping something awesome will happen. Yesterday it did.

I found a tooth. In the Cafeteria, next to a bag of old brown apple slices. I eyed it suspiciously for about 2 minutes. Then I called out, "OK gross kids.... who's missing a tooth?"

Three kids raised their hands.
All three came up, looked at the tooth in question and said "nope, not mine" or "mine was bigger."

Now there is a Lost and Found box for missing teeth in the Boys and Girls Club Office.

Two Questions:
Why are kids so nasty?
What is wrong with my life?