Meet Kenley

By the way, I had a baby..... over 8 months ago.
I figured I should blog about it before she goes through puberty so here it is. 

Kenley Rose Scott

April 23, 2017

6 lbs. 9 oz.

18 inches

cute as shit.

I loved her instantly. I was out of the hospital in 24 hours. It rained the first 3 days we were home. Like God was accommodating my wish to cuddle her in a cozy house with the fireplace warming us up.
Husband Jared and I cuddled the crap out of her. Literally. Newborns crap like 20 times a day. 

There is nothing better than a wrinkly, frog-legged newborn baby. Everything is so tiny and cute. And little babies smell soooooooooooooo good. I sniff Kenley like a frat boy sniffs drugs. I wish there was a perfume that smelled like newborns so I could spray it directly into my nostrils everyday.

When my 6 year old Cryin Ryan met her in the hospital for the first time he was stoked. And when he saw her open her eyes he was even more excited. My cold black heart melted.

 Look at how excited he is in that picture. So. Stinking. Cute.

Tyler liked her initially. But now that she is 9 months old he hates her with a passion. 


I took Baby Kenley to a rodeo when she was 3 months old and this cute teenager with Downs Syndrome loved her as much as I do.

She insisted on helping me feed the baby. 

Look how tiny she is on the 4th of July:

Having a baby girl is different than having a boy in many ways.
Changing Kenley's diaper is way harder than changing a boy's diaper. I'm pretty skilled when it comes to wiping poop of ball sacks, but not so good at navigating girl parts (which was surprising since I am a proud owner of my own girl parts).

Husband Jared is so cute with her too. He is gentle and sweet in a way that he wasn't with our boys.

He is so in love with her, that he doens't get that mad when I buy too many dresses for her.



 


Kenley sleeps through the night like a champ. Mostly because we read Babywise, but also because she is awesome.

Guess who else is awesome.
My mom. She is the best helper around. She babysat the human monkeys while I took naps, she helped keep my house clean, cooked for us, wiped everyone's butts, and even spent the night at my house when Husband had to go out of town. Thanks mom.

 Even when she cries it's hard to get mad at her since she looks like this:

 You can't get mad at a tiny crying elf.

I can't wait to post the newborn pics my friend Violet Luftkin took!

I'm An Idiot About My Blog And I Went To A Kazoo Recital

So I'm an idiot.

I'm trying to give my blog a fresh look but instead I just jacked it up.

I deleted all my followers on accident.
If you want to follow my dumb-A, you still can! But I really don't recommend you reading my nonsense. It's your own choice though, do what your heart tells you.

Also, there are a bunch of problems with this new template I'm using.
Please be patient while I figure this crap out.

If it helps you feel any better, I went to a Kazoo Recital last week.

That's right. My favorite Grandma is in a Kazoo band at her old people club.

It was as magical as you think it would be. 

My phone is super bad at pics/video, but about halfway through this clip you can hear the kazoo-ing for yourself.

Awesome, right?!

Thanks for reading!
I"ll get my life together soon.

Our White Trash Thanksgiving

March seems like a great month to start blogging again. I'm 8 months pregnant with kid #3 and I only puke 2-3 times a day, so things are really coming together for me.

Please excuse my out-of-order and extremely late blog topics for the next little while.


We had plans to spend Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with a few of my siblings and their families.
After living out of Utah for 10 years, having family around for the holidays is great. Mostly because they make me food.

Then I found out my morally questionable sister Rachel was bringing a few of her "friends".
Though I adore Rachel, she does not have the best taste in friends as they are always trashy and ethically challenged.

One of her last friends stole my Microsoft Surface Tablet from my house and tried to pawn it. It was awesome. I never got it back. I really need to take the time to write an entire post dedicated to that douche bag because the whole story is unbelievable (if you are a normal law-abiding citizen).

Either way, Rachel picks bad people to befriend and then brings them around our family. I really don't need myself, my kids, or my wallet anywhere near people like that.

I decided to kindly ditch out of my parents dinner invite. So did 2 of my brothers for the same reason.
It wasn't that big of a deal though. My parents understand, they locked up their wallets too.

I knew that with my natural class and hostessing skills I could have my own Thanksgiving dinner and it would be enchanting.

Ryan was really excited about the idea of cooking an entire turkey carcass, so I was basically obligated to buy an entire turkey for 2 adults and 2 small children.

Ryan was in heaven. He insisted on sitting by it in the cart.

And look what my little angel made at school:

Ryan also made a culturally appropriated headband and dubbed himself Chief Turkey Pants:

I'm glad he has a teacher who allows him to express himself.


On Thanksgiving day we went and saw a movie with my side of the family. I thought I would be all motherly and make the devil children and their cousins a pinterest-y treat.

Popcorn in a paper bag made to look like a turkey leg. Precious.

And it was especially precious since the butter leaked through and made it look authentically greasy.
The kids loved it.

We got home and started cooking.
Ryan and I made rolls.

Tyler dressed up like a rapist.

Husband cooked everything else. Don't be jealous my husband cooks :)

Ryan set the table super fancy:

He used our fancy black paper plates and was really proud of himself for it. 
He only set 3 place settings, because he said I don't need to eat since I throw up everything anyway and that we shouldn't waste good food like that.



Despite the white trashiness of our celebration the boys were happy and that's all I care about anyway.

A few days later when the kids broke the wishbone, Ryan won and wished all the adults in the world had to wear diapers and poop and pee themselves every day. cute.



By the way, have you ever seen a turkey neck? Because I never have, and when Jared pulled it out of the body I thought our turkey had come with a free sex toy... which I wasn't mad about. 

I hope you all had a Thanksgiving as magical as mine was.

Why Wiggle Bikes Piss Me Off A Little Bit

I bought my little angles wiggles bikes for Christmas 2015.

I got them on a sweet sale. 2 bikes for $50. I was happy since I was going to buy them anyway, but the universe knows how much discounts mean to me and blessed me with this sale.

The boys LOVE the bikes.

Actually everyone loves these bikes, including my 60-something year old father in-law.
 

We went to a skate park with sis-in-law Stephanie and her kids to see if anyone could survive.
There were multiple close calls.

I didn't take pictures of all the boys there. I was too busy trying not to let my heart drop out of my butt 10 times.

The kids had no fear + they are dumb = Boy-momming is nerve racking at the skate park.

I'm glad we brought their helmets.

The worst thing to happen was that one year old Noah slurped up some tepid water from an old puddle and vomited 3 times the next day.
Luckily he is alive and well.

Noah routinely eats dirt, pine cones, and berries he finds on the ground so I think he is somewhat immune to disease.

Even though wiggles bikes are cool, they also piss me of a little bit.

Kids drag their feet while riding them and it completely ruins their shoes. 

My kids jacked up 3 pairs of nice shoes before I caught on. 



I learned my lesson about buying nice kids shoes. 

Now both my boys have designated "wiggle bike shoes", complete with duct tape for a little white trash flair. 

  

Anyway, don't let your kids ride wiggle bikes unless they are wearing crappy shoes. 

Baby Showers and Slutty Lumberjacks

Baby sister Sara married the boy version of herself last December.
For real. They look exactly alike. 
I probs should blog about their wedding sometime because I have some awesome pics and video from it.

In true believing Mormon form, she is now seven months pregnant and due in October.

Mormons love to get married young. She was 21 and he is 20.
I know. It's crazy, but I can't judge because I also got hitched when I was 21, but at least my husband was 25 and had finished puberty.

Mormons also love to have babies right after they get married. It's basically a cultural sin if you don't get knocked up right away.
Like, when Jared and I waited 6 years to have our demon child, I was almost excommunicated and had to repent.
Same with every time I open my eyes during prayers.

 So Sara is going to have a baby real soon. I applaud her for having the balls to bring a baby into this world so young.
Anyone that has children young has my respect because parenting is HARD.


I would have been THE WORST MOM EVER if I had Cryin' Ryan at the age of 21. I would probably be in jail and my kids wouldn't know what "carnivore" means, or the different biomes on earth, or what DNA means.

 It would have been a disaster.


My mom organized a baby shower for her and baby Canyon. (You read that right, Canyon.)

By the way, I sometimes feel I should have named my kids something trendier as Ryan and Tyler will be totally out of place with all the hipster names in their generation.

I went on a Pinterest reconnaissance mission to find a theme.
A lumberjack/camping party seemed to fit the baby's name so I just went with it.



My mom and sister Megan did the fancy-pants food,  Sis-in-Laws Erika and Stephanie helped set up/clean up/make food, and I did the decorations. Stephanie probably did the least work out of anyone.



Look at this campy set up:

Too bad I didn't bring my good camera and I'm not a better photographer because these pictures suck.

That's as creative as we all could be. It looked better in person.

But wait, a few weeks before Stephanie had an idea that would make this baby shower amazing.

Remember Sara's Bachelor Party we threw her last November???
 If you have a strong stomach and weak morals, you can read them here:

Bachelorette Party: Part I 

Bachelorette Party: Part II

The highlight of the party was definitely my 37 year old husband dressed as a sexy cop and pretending to strip. 

My little sis was super grossed out and it was perfect. 

So Stephanie brilliantly suggested that Jared reprise his strip tease at Sara's baby shower.....

But dressed like a slutty lumberjack!

I just said, yes, yes, and yes!

I honestly spent more money getting the costumes together for the strippers than I spent on decorations. 

When Sara least expected it, Jared knocked on the door and did this:

My Grandma Alice was there.

I bribed my 2 and 5 year old into dressing up like lumberjacks too.
Because it was a baby shower and there was no choreographed strip dance, including children seemed appropriate.

Sara didn't appreciate our gift, but we are not sorry.

I guess this incredible idea makes up for Stephanie's lack of participation.


Sidenote: Stephanie texted me multiple times asking what she could do to help with decorating. I was just a procrastinator and made everything the night before. My fault, but let's not focus on that. 

4th of July Penis Show

Mmmmmkay.
You know how a few post ago I talked some mad trash about people who apologize for not blogging regularly?
Well, let's pretend that didn't happen.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for my overgrown ombre highlights.
I'm sorry for my knee-short tan lines.
I'm sorry for laughing when my kids swear and,
I'm sorry for being a non-consistent blogger.



Mostly I haven't blog in a few weeks because lazy.
I'm so lazy I can't even correct the "blog" in my last sentence to "blogged."
But also because so many life-changing things have occurred in my vicinity. All of which I will blog about for my children to re-visit in the future.


Look how patriotic I made my fireplace area:

Unfortunately, That's as fancy as it gets here at the Scott residence.

My absolutely inappropriate bother (typo stays), Matthew, celebrated our nations Independence by showing his dick.

Happy Birthday America.

We had a big family farty (this typo also stays) up at my parents house.
The food was amazing, weather was perfect, and we were all bonding so hard.

My little sis, Fegan, who I will now refer to as Megan since we get along now, just had a baby.
She is an ardent breast-feeding rights activist and so is the new baby.

About 16 adults were there and most of the family were seated in the huge living room.

My dad, brothers, and grandpa were just trying to live their lives.

That's when Megan flopped out her huge boob in front of everyone and fed the baby.

While I don't really have a problem with public breastfeeding, I do find it really awkward and weird to do it around men in the family. Actually men in general.


My brothers felt the same uncomfortable-ness that I would be feeling in their shoes.


Megan has busted her tits out a bunch of times. That's why when I arrived and wanted to see the baby I first yelled into everyone, "I want to see the baby... wait, Megan, are your tits out?.... k, never mind."

My brother Matthew is the type of guy who recently told me he loves having diarrhea and also farted in another man's mouth.

Annoyed by Megan's blatant bare boobs, Matthew whipped his dick out for everyone to see.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that again:

Matthew whipped his dick out for everyone to see.

He thought that if she's showing her private parts to everyone, he might as well too.

I was gratefully not there to witness the x-rated show, but I almost peed my pants laughing when I heard it. 

Later, when I was cleaning up I noticed my mom got some fancy new hand soap and lotion.
The brand was incredibly appropriate for the penis-showing incident:

Pecksniffs?



Then we roasted marshmallows and watched fireworks, so it was a pretty good day.

Sidenote:

I semi-apologize for my offensive use of the word, "dick." But given the gravity of the situation, I felt like "dick" was the only variation of the penis that would suffice.