(Innapropriate) Maternity Photos: Part II

READ PART I HERE!


I'm still obsessed with how pretty my maternity dress was.
 

I just can't seem to feel attractive when I'm throwing up, peeing my pants, and chronically constipated.
BUT, my photographer, Ashley, captured incredible pics that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have felt during a pregnancy.
(BTW, her instagram is magical: ashbridgewater.jpg)

I didn't want to take the dress off.
(The dress was made by Sew Trendy which is also magical. Don't be mad my high school friend owns the company.)

So I came up with a few more ideas to complete the photo shoot.

Ashley is a consummate professional but agreed to document my bad decisions.

I really don't know what to say about the following pictures.

We went to a famed Utah strip club off State Street.
I took a couple pics outside, because I didn't think the club managers would actually let me in to take pictures.

 It's amazing how good the photographs are considering Ashley and I couldn't stop laughing.


We walked inside and asked the super nice and super hot receptionist if I could embarrass myself.

She got the manager for us.

He was laughing super hard about my idea and said I could even get on a stage if I wanted.

WHAT?!?!

It's always been a childhood dream of mine to be a pregnant stripper in a fancy dress.

I guess Tuesdays are slow for strip clubs because there weren't that many guys there.
Which was totally fine since I already paid my bills that month.

Before I went in, I was a little worried the girls who worked there would be a little mad about me for basically making fun of their jobs.

Instead, the girls were totally laughing at the idea and helped us as much as they could.

They aren't dumb. They treat stripping as a means to an end and have no problem poking a little fun at it.

They gave me posing tips (even though I still look awkward af) and the burly 40-somthing-year-old bouncer fixed my gown so it would be especially beautiful.

 I try not to judge people but I really didn't expect all the girls and staff to be so funny, nice, and helpful.
Thanks pretty Salt Lake City strippers.


Next stop was one of my most favorite places in the world.

Taco Bell💗

Taco Bell was pretty much the only thing I ate this whole pregnancy. Baby #3 is practically made out of chicken chalupas and nachos with extra cheese, so I wanted to honor that.

 By the way, not only is Ashley Bridgewater a good photographer, but is also an excellent burrito eater. She was probably pretty popular in high school.

I really wanted my maternity photos to tell a story.
Something like, girl is pregnant, girl gets fancy dress, girl go to strip club, girl is hungry, girl eats chalupas, girl pees behind dumpster.

Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face when you are laughing at how clever you are?

By the way, can I just say that I am so flattered and grateful that anyone reads my blog? Making people smile, laugh, or get seriously offended, fulfills me in ways you can't imagine.
So really. Thanks for reading.





P.S. If you are offended by anything here, please email me at emilybarlocker@yahoo.com so I can show my friends and save it in my "funny stuff" folder.

 Also I got a few other suggestions for the photo shoot, one having to do with a hanger and shop vac, so really, this could of been a lot worse. (You know who you are person that thought of that 💗.)

Vernal Adventure/March 2016: Part I

Dinosaurs play a large role in my 4 year old's life.
Like any other little boy he is in love with anything that kills and eats other living things.

I can't wait until he turns 8 and I can teach him about Hannibal Lector. I think 8 years old is mature enough to start the serial killer conversation, right? Yeah, I'm right. 

Ryan knows the names of way too many dinosaurs. He asks all these insightful questions about them that I have to google then pretend I know.

I am a girl! When I was young I was playing with naked Barbies and Quints dolls, not memorizing dino facts and begging my mom to watch Jurassic Park again.

Um yeah, I let my 4 year old watch all the Jurassic Park movies. Bad parenting move? Absolutely. But those 6 hours of uninterrupted mommy time was worth it.


Husband had to travel overnight to Vernal, Utah for work last March.
It just so happens that Vernal is the Dinosaur capital of Utah so the kids and I decided to go with him.

It was magical, as one might expect the dino capital of Utah to be.

Special Moments:

While Jared made some sales calls, I hung out with the terror children at a small town McDonald's. This McDonald's did not have a play place. We had to wait there for Husband for over an hour. I tried to be an awesome mom and brought a ton of travel toys to occupy and educate my children's curious minds.Instead Titty-Monkey Tyler ran away from me, to the back of the McDonald's kitchen. He hit over stacks of cups then ran all the way in the back. No one knew what to do. All the workers were like, WTF.
Finally I ran back there and found him grinning and proud behind a stack of boxes.

He looks sweet but is actually a little punk.

I grabbed T-Bag and brought him back to the table. I realized he was missing a shoe. I had to do the McDonald's walk of shame back behind the counter to retrieve it.

We left promptly after that and walked across the street to a rundown Family Dollar Store. Nothing that exciting happened except for the fact that I felt like everyone in there was going to rape and stab me, then kill my children.

But, as it turns out, my children and I are still alive and un-raped. #miracleshappen

After Jared was done working we went to a Western Heritage Museum. Mostly cause it was free.
We were the only ones there. The exceptional friendly and helpful old lady volunteer had to turn on all the lights for us.

My husband is hot. 

She gave the kids a scavenger hunt which would have been fun if my kids were older and a lot less hyper-active.

Naturally, Ryan's favorite exhibit was the old fashioned toilet. He was so excited about it that he squatted and pretended to poop by grunting and dumping a handful of skittles between his legs.

I was proud of his creativity.


end.

Oh yeah, we stayed at the SpringHill Suites and the staff was amazing and gave the boys tiny baby wash, lotion, and a cute squirting bath toy because my kids ran behind the counter and took them.
The rooms were new, clean, and big. Breakfast was great.

But the indoor pool area smelled like shit.

(Sorry for the s-word, but that was the only word that would suffice for the steamy, shit-smelling pool.)

Candy Threats

I am no stranger to finding questionable things on my front porch.
Remember this nausea-inducing Potato Bug? What about the Butt/Wiener vase?

That all happened in California.
Things have been a little slower here in Utah.

Well, last week I was surprised/stoked to find a little something on my door step.

It was a sheet of paper with a drawing of a piece of candy on the front.

Kind of cute, right?

Then I open it up to find this:

Please give us 3 candys NOW!

Leave it on your frouik Porch.
List of things you can give
us:

snickers
twix
chips
oreos

from ?


I don't know who wrote it but I do know:

• it was from more than one person.
• those persons are kids.
• they don't know that chips technically aren't candy.
• they know about my emergency preparedness candy stash.
• that their capitalization of the word "NOW" means business.
• and that I'm even more concerned by their use of proper punctuation.

I wasn't about to wait around for something crazy to happen.

I gathered a reasonable offering of Starbursts and Pop Rocks from my candy cupboard (yes, I have an entire kitchen cabinet just for candy, don't judge me, you don't know me).
I knew the perpetrators were likely watching from a distance so I walked out slowly with my hands up where they could see them. My heart was beating fast.
I placed the candy carefully on my porch, exactly as they had demanded, and steadily backed up into my house. 

I creepily watched from my window to see who would come gather the candy, but after 3 minutes I got super bored so I left and watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. 

I am so glad I had the emergency stockpile of candy because if threatening letters from middle-class white kids isn't an emergency, then I don't know what is.

Bachelorette Party: Part II

Part I  here.

After horrifying Sara and Kama with the What's in Yo' Mouth game, we played a couple nicer games.

Then it was time to open presents!

Sara's friends are way too nice to her and got her some awesome sex outfits.

Who would have guessed that newly returned LDS missionaries would be so adept at picking out lingerie?  NOT ME.

That's why my aggressive cucumber-wielding sister Rachel and I gave her a bunch of super cute undies from Victoria's Secret and an extra special surprise.

Look at how nervous but pleasantly surprised she was opening it.

 She was not grateful that I wrapped up Jared's Lobster Pants along with them. Which I thought was really rude because those lobster underpants are awesome.

Don't worry, I didn't let her keep my family heirloom. I just wanted to gross her out since she gave me used lingerie from Salvation Army when I got married.

Sara paid her friends back by trying all the lingerie on and prancing around in front of everyone like a happy elf.

I felt it was good exchange for both parties.
Plus, I always wanted to know what color my sister's pubes were, and now I know.


Part of me REALLLLLLY wanted to hire a stripper, but a bigger part of me didn't want to clean my carpets again.
And I wasn't about to spend money on a stripper when I happen to be married to a perfectly good specimen of a man.

While I knew it would be awful for Sara to have a stripper, I knew it would be even worse if it was her brother-in-law. Which is why that's exactly what I did.

I brought up the idea with Husband who immediately jumped (or pelvic thrusted) on board.
He said he did this kind of stuff all the time in college and I nodded my head in deep understanding.

He may or may not have had a cop uniform already altered into a stripper's outfit that he surprised me with on our anniversary.....

I told Sara we were going to play a special game and made her sit in the middle. The doorbell rang and this happened:

Sara acted like she hated it, but I know she loved it. 
I am the best sister ever.

And we have the best neighbors ever for watching the kids, even after Jared explained what it was for.

Oh yeah, Sara's BFF Assley, made amazing chili and Megan/Feg brought awesome rolls. It was way better than the candy I bought for dessert. 

Also, yes, you read that right. My sister Megan/Feg was at my house and we had fun and got along. I may even start referring to her as just "Megan" now.

Sorry Sara.
And I'm even more sorry for what we are going to do at your wedding. 

Bachelorette Party: Part I

Last Saturday I wove a tapestry of classiness that blanketed almost all of Utah.

My little sis Sara is getting married so I knew I had to throw her a Super Classy Bachelorette Party.

It's not often I crawl/creep out of my cave and actively socialize, so Sara felt my really awkward love for her. 

Sara and all her friends are recently returned Mormon missionaries and I wanted to keep the party slightly appropriate. 
I'm wayyyyy too classy to be putting penis memorabilia everywhere like usual bachelorette parties.
Instead I made my own party decorations with the word "Sex" placed randomly throughout my house.  

Even the prizes for winning my messed up games were beautifully crafted with just the word "Sex", as demonstrated here by Sis-in-law Erika.

 The decorations actually turned out really cute, but I'm too dumb to take more pictures. The food table looked awesome too but out of hate/principle I wasn't about to take a pinterest/instagram-esque picture of it.

All the party games I found online were either really lame or extra nasty.
I was forced to think of some on my own.

My favorite game was called:

What's In Yo' Mouth?

The Bride-to-be is blindfolded and then tries to guess what you put in her mouth. Every item is edible and reminiscent of male body parts. 

Sara's friend Kama is also getting married soon so I made her play too. Mostly because I didn't think Sara would actually play by herself.

Kama is a super-cute, super-returned missionary and super-good at getting things in her mouth. She was totally down to play.

Sis-in-Law Stephanie helped me prepare while we were laughing so hard I almost did pee my pants. 

We didn't anticipate how dirty we would feel shoving penis shaped things into other girls mouth's. For real though. I repented at church the next day and scheduled a confession.

The first item was a peeled cucumber. 
Sara was nervous and didn't trust us, and Stephanie was too timid about forcing it in.

Luckily my aggressive sister Rachel grabbed the cucumber, hit Sara in the face with it and jammed it in her mouth. 

I felt like I had just witnessed a classic example of date rape.

 Since I know a bunch of people are going to steal this awesome game for their next party, we also used:

• Limp carrots

• Room temperature, uncooked Hot Dogs

• Peanuts (hahaha! get it?)

• Long, hard lollipops

• Raw potatoes 

• Vienna sausages

• Whole mushrooms (courtesy of my gross brother Matthew)

• Peeled Banana

The best part was the final item.... white goopy cookie icing.

Neither girl appreciated my idea.

I would also like to add that my bladder control is completely ruined by giving birth to 2 kids. I almost peed my pants all night because we were laughing so hard. 
Half the time I had to hold my crotch and sit on the ground so I wouldn't wet myself.


I did not expect to party to be that funny or I would have worn my Depends underpants or a super-long maxi pad.

Part two soon! And by that I mean as soon as I stop being too lazy to type words.

Polygamist Chic

I've got 99 problems, but a Halloween costume ain't one.

I found this Polygamist style dress in my mom's costume closet last year.

I have been spiritually bonded with it ever since.

I knew the universe had put this dress in my path for a reason, and that reason was for me to wear it on Halloween.

But last year as Halloween approached, my mom totally betrayed me (and the dress) by lending it out to someone else.
In Utah, Polygamist dresses like this are in high demand.
My 2014 Halloween was ruined and I had to be a crappy skeleton.

I wasn't about to lose the dress again, so I stole it, hid it in the back of my closet, rubbed my face against it everyday, and patiently waited for an entire year to wear it again.

My parent's costume party was last weekend, and I knew my special moment had arrived.

When it come to anything inappropriate or offensive, I like to think of myself as an overachiever.
I knew the most important part of a Sister-Wife costume was the hair, so I was going to do it the best I could.

While searching for ideas I came across one of the most magical YouTube videos I have ever had the pleasure of viewing:

Did you notice the uplifting music in the background?!? Probably not, since you were too busy taking notes.

I also got a few more style tips from this life changing blog:

Polygamy Chic

By the time I was all dressed and ready to go I couldn't even look in the mirror. I was a little ashamed/giddy that I looked so authentic. I probably have Sister-Wife blood running through my veins.

You know how some girls dress up as a slutty version of whatever they are for Halloween, like a slutty cop, a slutty witch, a slutty Disney princess, or a slutty mom?

Well, I thought about modifying the costume to be the slutty version of a Sister-Wife but I was already showing my ankles and Jared could barely keep his hands off of me as it was:

Look at my shoes and nervous face.

This picture maybe took it a little to far.

I could not even handle myself by the end of night.

When I tried to have serious conversations I knew there was nothing I could say that would distract people from the fact that I had on a fancy lace bib/collar.

It was especially awesome that Jared and I were the only adults really dressed up. 

BTW, does anyone know where I can meet hot young polygamist singles (or married, whatever...) in my area?



Note: While I have deep respect for religious freedom and individual's agency, I reserve the right to make fun of clothing and awesome hairstyles as I see fit.

Boob Flashing

Pee-Baby and I flew into Utah last week.
My mom picked us up at the airport.

When we pulled into the driveway, one of my cool sisters, Rachel, came to the door to meet us.
I decided to reward her with a ceremonial Barlocker-family sister-flashing.

That's how we roll. We don't hug, we expose ourselves.

I lifted up my shirt to offend her with my pregnant stomach and awesome pregnancy boobs.
Of course I made an angry face and did a cute tap-dance.

Then my Dad walked by.
Um....... I wanted to kill myself.
I have never put my boobs away faster.
I don't think he saw anything, or at least he pretended not too. Thank goodness.

My dad is usually not amused by my shenanigans.

I think from now on I will avoid flashing my sisters on the driveway.

Proper Care and Feeding of Daniel

My family and I like to make weddings special for those we love.
My little brother Daniel busted out the Napoleon Dynamite dance at my reception, and I wanted to repay the favor.
Preforming a dance would be lame, since others have done it for 3 different weddings. I wanted to do something fresh and unexpected.

Then a brilliant idea came to me: Power Point.

Daniel would be having a fancy luncheon after he was married in the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City.
About 100 family members and friends would attend. 

I arranged to have a projector and a large screen available for my presentation.
My tiny sister Sara and I compiled all the info we would need. 
We took our time since we wanted it to look professional.

After the Best Man and the Maid of Honor had made their toasts, Sara and I took our place at the front of the room.

I figured it would be appropriate to give Erika some tips about owning a husband.

I began the presentation:

Dressed in a pencil skirt with a tasteful cardigan, I presented the following slides:

Sara presented all the "Fun Facts":

Daniel has a inclination for making faces:

Fortunately, so does Erika:

Ultimately:

It was about 15 minutes long and Danny and Erika laughed the entire time.
I was just happy no one cried.

the end.