4.29.2013

Sweatpants @ Albertsons


B.C. (Before Child) I would spot frumpy looking women who looked like they got hit by a truck. These chics looked like they hated their lives and had simply gave up.

You know who I'm talking about.... girls with unkempt hair, bags under the eyes, wearing pajamas all the time and chasing their bratty kids around everywhere.

I would see these girls all the time. The bank, grocery stores, at college, church etc.
I SWORE I would never get to that sad, sad, point.

A few days ago at my favorite grocery store, Albertson's, I was picking out some grapes with Cryin Ryan.
I looked down and saw this:

 (Pay no attention to my disaster of a house)

I stood by the grapes for 10 min shaking my head in shame.
It wasn't even early in the morning. I was still in my sweats at 4:00pm.

I snuck around the store ninja-style so no one would see the mess I had become.
I devised a plan to pinch Rat-Baby really hard if I ran into anyone. Then all the attention would be on my screaming baby and simultaneously give me a great excuse to leave in a hurry.

Lucky for Ryan, the coast was clear.
I was checking out when on of the regular baggers came over to bag my grapes, milk and candy.
He said, "You look tired."

I wanted to say, "EFF YOU, bagboy."
But in my ugly induced shame I nodded and frumpishly walked to my car.

At least I had on semi-clean underwear. amen.

4.26.2013

Hunger Games-aholic


I am obsessed with nonfiction and read  5-6 books a month.
The only fiction I have read in the past 8 years is by Kurt Vonnegut.

I stopped reading Young Adult fiction once I grew pubes.
Plus, I am WAY too cool to read all the trendy bestsellers like Twilight and Harry Potter.

When I bougth my Microsoft tablet, I came across a free copy of The Hunger Games. I was so stoked about the tablet and wanted to use it all the time and I love free stuff so I started reading it

I read all three books in 4 days. Then I watched the movie twice.
I am seriously about ready to pee my pants (again) out of excitement for the next movie to come out in November.

When Catching Fire is released, I am going to wait in line for 6 hours dressed as Katniss. 


I bet Jennifer Lawrence is a good kisser.

I hereby retract any negative statements I made about people who read Hunger Games. I will no longer make fun of Hunger Games fanatics, as I am now part of the club.

My name is Emily and I am a Hunger Games-aholic.



Turns out I'm not too cool for teenager books.

4.24.2013

Botoxed Cinderella


Have you ever seen a Disney princess recreation that doesn't include Cinderella? Me neither. Which is why I had to bust this sexy drawing out before my masterpiece was complete.





Why does everything look so much better as a graphic?






I love you technology.




4.23.2013

Pajama Ranting


I used to know a creepy 40 year old dude from when I volunteered at a mental clinic.
He wore his pajamas all the time.

He used to wander around growling and ranting in his own made-up language.

Mormons don't usually believe in reincarnation, but Cryin Ryan's recent behavior has led me to reconsider.


video


 Could Pee Baby actually be a 40 year old psychiatric patient???


I should probably think about investing in a toddler size straight jacket.




4.18.2013

Precious Little Gangstas


There is a graffiti wall near my house.
It's where all the local stoners go to get high and have teenage sex. I suspect many of Camarillo's citizens have been conceived there.

The whole place is probably infected with STD's which is why we didn't let the kids touch the damp couch or soggy sleeping bag we found.

I have been wanting to do a Hard Core Gangsta photo shoot with Pee-Baby ever since he got his teardrop tattoo.


My awesome friend Violet  and her equally awesome family came into town last week.



Violet and I both took a ton of pictures, but since I suck, all these pictures are from Violet's camera. I Photo shopped them. Check out Violet's photography blog here.


This shoot was perfect for 3 year old Sammy.
He is sick of Violet and her camera, so his hard knock gangsta attitude is authentic:





4 year old Benjamin busted out his "I'm gonna murder your family" face:






Ryan brought out his inner wussy with a tender flower picking moment:



He quickly redeemed himself with this prison-worthy shot:




      
Then wussed it up again by gleefully skipping down a nature trail:




Oh Pee-Baby, your slicked back hair and face tattoo make me want bust a cap.






Peace homies.

P.S. I know a little boy named Cutter that would NAIL this photo shoot.






4.17.2013

Anatomy of a Douche


Remember my outcast sister Megan Barlocker Swenson a.k.a. Fegan? The one who everyone in my family dislikes?

Allow me to refresh your memory. She is the one who:


  • Picks up kittens in her mouth
  • Has tried to breastfeed kittens
  • Is 23 and married and still asks my dad for gas money
  • Got fired from her non-profit job for stealing money
  • Is always fighting with at least one of our seven siblings
  • Kicked my super nice brother in the balls in front of everyone… on thanksgiving
  • Thinks she had the worst childhood ever because her siblings sometimes hurt her feel-bads
  • Is a mouth-breather
  • Smells like b.o. and patchouli
  • Only cleans her house once a year
  • Does not believe in tampons or maxi-pads, she prefers to use car seats
  • Has no friends and has gotten kicked out by roommates multiple times
  • Dropped out of homeschool for two years because it was too hard

I wish I was making this stuff up. 


Yesterday, her below average IQ prompted her to:

1. Call my baby a douche bag.... twice
2. In a public forum, on my awesome friends photography page

 Not even psychiatric patients are stupid enough to call someone's baby a douche.

Oh, two weeks ago I told her she looked beautiful on her blog............ Way to return the favor.

So to clarify what a douche bag actually looks like, I present the following:







Dyes hair monkey poo brown

Unnaturally large forehead speckled with moles

Abnormally large horse teeth that are yellow from sneaking cigarettes at work

Hooker red lipstick

Herpes

Chest hair

Nub-tits

Wannabe hipster clothes

Belly button that looks like a an extra thumb

Ever-present camel toe

Pleather boots that cost $200












Once again, I wish I was making this stuff up.


Don't mess with my awesome baby :)


4.15.2013

Bad Attitude Belle


I am still on my quest to draw the ugliest pictures imaginable.

An ugly Disney princess picture would not be complete without Belle:


I made Belle look like she has a bad attitude. She is always going to the library and reading books so I bet she thinks she is better and smarter than all the other Disney girls.

Anytime I read a book I think I am WAYYYYYY better than everyone else I know.... even if the last book I read was The Hungry Caterpillar. 


4.12.2013

Post Labor Pictures to Help Christie Feel Better

One of my favorite friends just had her first baby.
Christie will probably be an awesome mom. Not as awesome as me, but awesome nonetheless.

She posted her birth story on HER BLOG.
She claims she looks bad in these pictures:




Yeah Christie, you are soooooo nasty. 



I can't believe I am going to post these pictures. I swore I never would, but I like Christie a lot. So in an effort to make her feel better about her hospital pics I will sacrifice mine.

Take a deep breath.



I am clearly pissed off in this pic. 





 Look how nasty Cryin Ryan looks. Sick. Let's not even mention how inappropriate I look.
This picture was taken while I was hemorrhaging, and about to be taken off to emergency surgery on my chotch.
Christie's baby looks angelic in her pictures. Ryan looked like a science experiment. 



Let's see if it looks better photoshopped:


Nope.




Afterwards I felt like I got hit by a semi truck. I don't know why Jared kept taking pictures..... oh wait, yes I do. 





 I was surprised my feet didn't get stretchmarks.




I hope you feel better Christie because I don't.


P.S. I don't need everyone's pity comments telling me I look fine. I know how gross I was, and I accept it. Have a nice day.

4.10.2013

Chucky v. Cryin Ryan


It's official. I like my cat more than my baby. 


Feeding

Chucky - feeds himself. Jared fills up the dispenser 1x a week. I don't do anything.

Ryan - Whine and cries when he's hungry. He only eats bananas, fruit snacks and chapstick. I have to force feed him anything else. He enjoys spitting water and juice on himself.

Bathing

Chucky-  Cleans himself. I wipe him down with cat shampoo every couple of days, it take 3 minutes.

Ryan- Plays with his baby wiener in the bathroom, kicks and screams when I take him out of the tub. Have to bathe him AT LEAST once a day depending of the amount of contact he has with his own poop.


Hygiene

Chucky- We have to hog-tie and shave him about once a month.  

Ryan - Wipes poo on himself and eats his boogers. I have to lotion him up every day or he gets lizard skin. We have to hog tie and shave him about once a month.


Sleep Habits

Chucky - Leaves me the eff alone.

Ryan - Climbs out of his crib, sneaks into my bed. I put him back in his bed 10x a night. He wakes up at 6 am.





I was actually thinking of having another baby..... instead, I think I'll just get another cat. 


4.08.2013

Fumunda the Sea

The two other princesses I drew looked hauntingly awesome when I turned them into graphics.
I was just learning when I started the whole Ariel thing, which is why my first attempts are so bad.

The crappy graphics I made of the Little Mermaid were not up to par so I threw this together:

Paper and colored pencils:
Graphic form:
It sometimes hurts to be this good. 

My Microsoft Surface tablet is the best thing ever. I am starting to like it more than Jared.


4.05.2013

Chester Surprise



I know you're thinking "Chester Surprise" sounds like a casserole made by a child molester, but you are wrong.

I have always wanted to design a coloring book.
I always make original coloring pages for the trouble-makers at the Boys and Girls Club, so I was thinking, why not draw some stuff for my favorite blog friends?

If you read this blog, I assume that you are a little (or a lot) messed up and like to be innappropriate.

Get your crayons out:

Chester



Isn't he ADORABLE???

He was the main character for Bumpin Uglies, that ipod app I did the graphics for.


 Unfortunately the app did not do to well.
But Chester is so undeniably charming I decided to revive him.

Not only do you get the joy of coloring like a kid again, but afterwards, you can cut him out! It would be awesome if you put the cutout someplace random where people are going to find it.



Chester placement ideas:

  • On a public toilet seat
  • On your boss's desk
  • On your significant other's pillow
  • In a library book
  • Peeking out of  the canned goods section at the grocery store
  • Creeping out of the Hymn book at church

The list could go on. Any place inappropriate would work.
Good luck!

4.03.2013

Birth Mark

I have a poop stain on my upper left arm.
At least that's what my brother always told me as a kid.

He also told me if I cry too much my eyes would dry up like raisins. I was too young to question his credibility.

My grandma, Deenie-wienie-chili-beanie, has the same one.





I have had a long-standing grudge against my birth mark. It's shaped like a sad potato. How would you like to grow up with buck teeth and a potato stamp on your arm?

As a pre-teen, or tween if you will, I was so pissed at my potato that I tried to burn it off with a curling iron........ twice.

Each time it reappeared. I was so ashamed.

Since then I have finally made peace with my birth mark. As an adult, I embrace my numerous flaws (small boobs, long fingers, annoying laugh, etc.) and wear them proudly.

I am thinking about giving my birthmark a private photo shoot. I could totally frame it then hang it on the wall.





Fancy!

4.01.2013

Drooling Snow White

Pee-Baby did not appreciate my last attempt of Disney's Snow White.
He stole the paper, hid under the table, ripped it apart, and ate the feet.

In order to please Ryan, I drew another picture:





Then magically converted it into a graphic:




Waaaayyyyy better than the last fiasco.