Chucky Scratched Tyler's Balls

My 2 year old, T-Bag Tyler, is not a friend to all animals. 

He loves dogs and cats more than anything, but cannot express his love through conventional ways.

(I never claimed to be a good parent.)

One of his favorite hobbies is harassing our little cat, Chucky.

Tail-pulling, picking up by the neck, and laying on top of the cat are among T-Bags favorite moves. 

One time, he put the cat in the garbage can. 

There is a high correlation between treating animals badly during childhood and becoming a serial killer as an adult. 

I don't want to think about that though. 

**Deep Breath**

Tyler is my son and I love him. 

**Exhale**

Our cat is so nice, patient, and docile.

He has never retaliated no matter the amount of abuse he receives. It's very weird. 

I sometimes wish Chucky would hurt Tyler back so Tyler would learn his lesson. 

In early December, Tyler learned a lesson. 

Chucky likes to sit on the edge of the bathtub while the boys take a bath. 

By the way, the green bathwater is from a bath bomb and not because my kids are that dirty.... even though they are that dirty.

T-bag decided to pull the cat into the water. 

The cat freaked out and clawed his way out of the tub, unintentionally scratching Tyler on the way. 

Tyler screamed. His legs were bleeding. 

I was like, WTF is happening in my life. 

Tyler kept crying about his balls, so after I calmed him down I checked out his wounds and HOLY FREAKING CRAP.

There was a slice in the middle of his bean bag. 

I must have stared at it, horrified, for a solid 5 minutes. 

No parenting classes or books ever prepped me for when my kids nuts get mangled. 

A piece of ball-sack skin was dangling off him like tissue paper in the wind. 

Seriously. What do you do?

Bandaid? No. 

Stiches? Double no.

Super Glue? Possibly. 

I ended up putting a ton of antibiotic ointment on it and slapped on his diaper. 

He walked like a cowboy the rest of the night.

His ball sack turned purple with bruising the next day and stayed like that for over a week.

Tyler insisted on wearing an ace bandage over his diaper for a few days. 

I didn't blame him. 

I would want some extra protection around my sliced balls too.

T-bag wouldn't let me take a picture of him in his ace bandage diaper so I had to lie and say I needed a picture of the nutcracker and snowflakes for Christmas.

I didn't realize, until just now, how mean it was to make him pose with a nutcracker while his own nuts were on the mend.

Oh yeah, If you are reading this just to find out how to make huge snowflakes, I apologize if you had to read about my kid's testicles.

It's super easy and the kids loved helping me make them.
All you do is use huge pieces of butcher paper and cut out a snowflake like you normally would. Duh.

Easy and the results are pretty fancy.

Oh yeah. A little over a month until Baby Girl is born. I can't decide if I'm more excited to hold a newborn or just not be pregnant anymore!!!!
I love newborns but I really love not being pregnant.

Chucky 2.0

I have been heartbroken the last couple of days.
I even cried, and I rarely cry because I'm not a little wussy. .

Jared's Grandma, Annette, passed away July 28.
She is one of the most influential people in my life.

I am working on a post about her because she is an amazing human being.
I'll post it as soon as I feel my sub-par writing abilities can express what she meant to me and our entire family.

Either way, I'm sad, Jared is sad, and Ryan is crushed.

So, we adopted a cat.

Kittens make things better.

My kids automatically started calling him Chucky, the same name as our previous cat. They think all cats are named Chucky so I just went with it.

Companion animals are so freaking awesome.
They are so innocent and eager to love and sometimes have poop accidents. Just like children.
Which is why animals and kids are my favorite ever.

We were heading to the animal shelter in Murray, UT and stopped at PETCO to buy cat supplies.

I buy food and litter from Costco because if I can save $3.42 I will do it.

We went to PETCO to buy cat shampoo because I am an awful person who bathes their cat. I'm not about to have a filthy cat running through my clean house.

As we were leaving, Ogden Animal Services walked in with a butt-load of cats ready to be adopted.
I really didn't want to drive to Murray because lazy.
It was perfect timing.


Ryan, Tyler, and I held all the small kittens to gauge their temperament and how well they reacted to a sudden onslaught of harassment from a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old.

I didn't care what the cat looked like, I just wanted it to be cuddly, friendly, and litter box trained.

All the kittens were so cute and I believe if they really work hard, say their prayers, and stand in holy places, then they will get adopted too.

We held a little cat with cute orange/white fur.

This freaking cat let Tyler pull his eyes open and poke his eyeballs.
 The cat also let my boys pull his tail up numerous times so they could look at the butthole and laugh manically.

The kitten didn't even run away.

After that, a warm spirit filled my heart and I knew this was the cat meant for us. Amen.

Rat Baby

My little baby sis, Sara, got married last December and is already knocked up and about 8-ish weeks along.
I'm impressed her new husband actually found the right hole in such a short time.
It was a solid 6 years before Husband and I found it.


Sara is 21 and her baby daddy is 20. They are both freshmen in college.
I have to give a little street credit to people who get pregnant on purpose when they are that young and still in school.

Sara is super excited and will be a much better parent than I would have been at that age.

If I had kids when I was 21, I would have screwed my kids up worse than I already have.
And I would probably be in jail right now.

I'm 10 years older than Sara and have two kids. I'm basically a pregnancy expert.
That's why every once in a while I send her fun pregnancy facts:

She had an ultrasound and texted the pictures to us.
After you've had a couple of kids you know that ultrasounds all look the same so it's not that cool to see one. Like, I'm happy for you and all, but these mean nothing to me.... but I'm still glad you like them.

BUT THEN I SAW THIS ONE:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a freaking rodent!!!

I'm not here to judge though. I will treat that little Rat Baby kindly and with love. Just like I treat all my human nieces and nephews.

• I can't wait to help Sara get it's room/cage all ready.
• I am going to buy the best chew toys for it.
• I'll teach Sara how to properly swaddle a Rat so it's claws can't get out.
• If Rat Baby bites me, I'll be cool about it and not cause a scene.
• When it come to my house for a sleepover when it's older, I'll let it sleep in the heating vents or the attic so it's more comfortable.
• I also plan on supporting all of Rat Baby's dreams and life choices, because that's the type of Aunt I am.

I heard rats can form bonds with humans pretty easily so I am excited to welcome this little mammal into our family.

Congrats Sara and Alek!!!

Chicken Babies

I am all about free kid entertainment.
That's why I go to nasty McDonalds, Walmart's toy section, IKEA, and church.

We also go to this awesome pet store in Riverton named Pet Planet. I tell my kids it's the aquarium.
We go so much the owner knows us. He also knows we are freeloaders and never going to buy anything, but he is still nice and accepts me as a person.

What is cool about Pet Planet is they have a ton of animals. Not like Petco, who only has fish and some sad looking hamsters.

Pet Planet has every reptile, tons of spiders, fish, birds, kittens, dogs, and all the creepy small mammals that pee in wood shavings.



One day I was driving home and saw a farming supply store, IFA, with a big sign saying "Baby Chicks are Here!!!" I swerved into the parking lot so fast I almost wrecked my car.

I told the boys it was a special petting zoo, but only with chickens, and it also happened to sell cowboy boots and horse feed. It's cool though, cause they still believed me. 

The chicks were in pens and could only stick their little heads out to eat, but it was fine, since you could still pet their fluffy heads and let them eat out of your hands.

They were sooooooo cute.

I almost shoplifted one.

I was gazing lovingly into the baby chicks eyes when I hear a gleeful laugh from Baby Tyler.

I look over and he's holding a chick he pulled out of the cage.  By. It's. Head.
He's also squishing the crap out of it.

For real though, crap was coming out the chicks B-hole.

Not only was he killing the chick, he was super proud of himself.

We hurried and made sure it wasn't hurt and put it back in the pen immediately.

Just kidding, we held the fluffy chick  for like, 15 minutes, until we saw an IFA employee come see what everyone was laughing at, then Ryan shoved it sideways through cage.

Oh yeah, in my defense, T-Bag dressed himself that day. 

No wonder all the chicks liked him.

Hunting with Rocks

Ryan is no longer a terrible three-nager so Husband actually likes to hang out with him again.

Jared took Ryan camping for some serious father-son bonding. We want Ryan to be a "MAN" so camping is fundamental step.
I also bought him Man-boots that are hardcore and perfect for outdoor stuff.
When I gave them to him he squealed like a girl, immediately put them on, looked at himself in the mirror, then skipped around the house while giggling. It was all very manly.

They left and I got to stay home and relax.

Just kidding. 1 1/2 year old Tyler was with me so I spent my night chasing him at a children's museum. Fun! For real though. Utah county has the best people watching ever. I even brought my sunglasses so I could stare creepily without being arrested.


Jared and Pee-Pre-schooler had a ton of fun.

They chopped wood for a fire.

Ate alarming amounts of marshmallows.

Lit marshmallows on fire then stomped on them.

Ryan spotted a rabbit down the mountain and insisted Jared drive him there so he could hunt it...... with rocks. Ryan gathered up some lethal rocks and insisted he sit in the back of the Razor so he could throw better. WTF. 

Of course Jared took him.

They got home Saturday. I teach Ryan's class at church every Sunday, so I started prepping. I opened the manual and saw the lesson topic:

I Can Be Kind to Animals. Perfect. 

I read through it and turned the page to make copies of the coloring sheet provided.

I gave the lesson the next day. As I explained that we should be kind to animals, Ryan told the class it's also fun to kill them with rocks. Especially rabbits.

And to jack up the lesson even more, Ryan also told everyone how we killed a squirrel with a pellet gun a week ago then poked it with sticks.

I'm still expecting a few calls from the other children's parents.
I plan on not answering them.

Rats and Lizards

 We find a lot of random stuff in yard.
Newspapers from 2006, a broken bong, and a partially filled out McDonald's application.

But sometimes we find awesome things like these gross little rats:

They looked diseased and left a pee trail everywhere they went.

Ryan still liked them and their diseases.

After we played with them for a little bit, Jared told Pee-toddler he needed to take the rats back to there mom..... and by that, he meant chopping their heads off with a shovel and throwing them into the ravine.

I also found the cutest little lizard ever, ever, ever.

We made a little house for him and played with him for a few hours. I knew it was a "him" because all lizards are boys.... just like all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.

 He was so cute we just let him go, and didn't even consider chopping his head off.

Ryan was hesitant to let him go without the lizard's mom present.
He was worried the baby lizard needed his mom to get him food and water, so he patiently waited on the doorstep for lizard-mom to make an appearance.

Baby lizard stayed in Ryan's hand the whole time. I think he was probably scared to move after his 2 hours of captivity with a 3 year old.

I ended up faking like I saw the mom lizard come back because I was bored, so Ryan hurried and let baby lizard run into the garden. 

 

Adam and Lisa

I have been promising my friend Lisa that I would draw a picture of her dog, Murphy, for over a year.

So finally, here it is:

Adam really holds the dog like that....
Lisa has huge amazing boobs that I am jealous of. She always hides them though. It took all my willpower to draw them non-pornographically.

They will be new parents in February 2014. Hell yeah.

Spiders Are Coming

 Pee-baby's obsession with bugs has not waned.
I am still obligated to go with him on bug hunts.......... everyday.

At a Boys and Girls Club party I was painting the kids faces. I painted a black widow spider on one of the kids. Ryan saw it and insisted that I paint "piders" on his cheeks and on both his hands.

When we got home, he did not appreciate it when I told him he had to get in the shower and wash them off.

He started whining - "Piders!!! No baff(bath)! "

He really likes spiders.

He always talks about them.

He was recently concerned that the "piders are comin!"

I feel a little better that he is easily distracted by bubbles at the end of this one.

 A few days later he smashed a beetle, put it in his pocket, then took it out once we were back inside the house. 

Douche-baby/Primordial Dwarf-baby had a major breakdown when I threw it away.

Why can't he be obsessed with cleaning his toys up or pooping in the toilet?

RIP Chucky

Jared woke me up Sunday morning, "Chucky is dead, will you make sure Ryan doesn't poke him anymore?"

Chucky was lying down in one of his favorite hiding places, under the coffee table.
Our cat was just three human-years old. He was not sick and he was acting normal.

Chucky was my favorite pet ever. He was so nice and friendly. He was quiet and always hung out in the same room I was in. He only took a dump outside of his litter box once in his entire life.

We have no idea why or how he died, it sucks. Everyone knows that pets die, but it's nice to have some sort of explanation.
After some online research it sounds like it was probably due to heart defects.

Nobody wants to wake up to dead animals on their living room. Nobody.

We buried him in the ravine next to our house.


Now who is going to photo bomb every picture I take?

Who will all the little kids torture when they come to my house?

Who will bite Cry in Ryan in the head?

Who can I hog tie and shave?

I don't know how I'm going to sleep without Chucky trying to sit on my face. 

The next time I drink a bottle of tequila, I am definitely pouring some to the ground for my fallen homey.

I'm sad.

Bug Murder

Cryin' Ryan is OBSESSED with bugs..... well, bugs and clocks.

The past couple of weeks Pee-baby has channeled most of his energy towards our insect friends.

At least once a day he brings me a paper and a pencil and wants me to draw bugs.
He stands at the front door yelling "A BUG! A BUG! A BUG!" for questionable amounts of time.

I've always been a little bit obsessed with bugs. I think they are frieking cool.
Everyday Ryan and I go outside and look for bugs. We find them and poke them with sticks, then I put them in a jar and Ryan carries them around the rest of the day.

I never really kill bugs unless they are in my house. Even then, I just grab a kleenex, squish it, and unceremoniously flush it down the toilet.

No big deal.

I don't make sound effects and I certainly don't do an evil laugh afterwards. 


Which is why I was a little concerned when I witnessed this:

I don't know whether to be proud that I have such a hard-core/manly baby or if I should should get a lawyer for his future criminal offenses.

Cha-Bootie the Rabbit

As if I needed another reason to love little Mexican girls....


At Julie's birthday party, Cryin Ryan could not get enough of all their pets.
Even after being attacked by the dog, I could not keep Ryan away from anything furry.

He kept trying to let the attack dog out of his kennel. Either Ryan is super hard-core/brave or really dumb for trying to play with the dog that just made him bleed.

I had to distract him with a more docile animal, a rabbit named Cha-bootie.

The little girl holding the bunny in this picture took her job as the rabbit's babysitter very seriously.
No one was allowed to hold Cha-dookie unless he/she was sitting down nicely.

Pee-baby eagerly sat down. The second the little girl placed Cha-noody in his hands, Ryan stood up, squeezed the bunny and ran across the yard and hid behind a chair. Clearly, Ryan wanted some alone time with Cha-booby.


The rabbit-guardian was pissed off. She chased Ryan down and grabbed the rabbit back.

She told Ryan to be careful with HIM and to not squeeze HIM.

I knew the owners didn't know the sex of the rabbit, so I was curious as to how a 9 year old knew.



Me: How do you know it's a boy?

9 year old girl: I watch a lot of Animal Planet.................................. and I saw his balls.




 
I thought to myself, "Weird. That's exactly how I knew Ryan was a boy...... animal planet and balls."

Birthday Dog Attack

Ryan turned 2 on Saturday!!!

For his birthday, we got him a tricycle, some puzzles, legos and an attack from a dog.

One of the my favorite little minions, Julie, invited Ryan and I to her Birthday party. Julie's mom and I got to work painting the little girls faces.

10 minutes into it, Julie's 22 year old sister brought Cryin Ryan to me covered in blood and screaming.
Ryan had snuck out the back door and tried to play with the dog. Julie's sister found him on his back underneath the dog.

My heart fell out of my butt.
25 little girls were freaking out, some of them started crying. The adults weren't much better.
I knew I had to stay calm.
NOTHING prepares you to see your child hurt, terrified and covered in blood.
It's heart-breaking enough when they trip and fall.

I could barely see Ryan's face as he reached out to me. I hurried and grabbed him. I had just bought this amazingly cute shirt hours before and decided to wear it to the party. I held him hard and close.
I didn't care that his blood was staining my new shirt and clotting in my hair.
This is serious.
I never thought I would care about something enough to let it ruin new clothes.

The dog had scratched Ryan by the eye and bit his lower lip. With all the blood, it looked worse than it really was. Why do head and lip wounds bleed so much?

 I cleaned him up. The whole time he was crying "ow mom, dog, ow, ow mom." My heart broke for him. I was doing my best not to break down and cry with him.

10 minutes later he was fine.

I took him out to the car to change our clothes.
I keep an emergency set of clothes for Pee-Baby since he poops and pees everywhere. I happened to have a couple extra shirts in the car too. You didn't  think I went shopping and only bought 1 new shirt, did you?

Sitting in my car with Ryan playing on the passenger seat, I started crying like a little wuss.

 I'm not a crying person. The last time I cried was after I gave birth to Ryan and had to have emergency surgery, exactly two years ago.

I can't even describe the feeling you get when you see your child hurt and scared. It is awful. All you want to do is make everything better.... even if it means ruining your new shirt.

I wiped my runny mascara off my cheeks and went back in to the party. Ryan ran to the back door and started yelling "DOG?? MOM, DOG? DOG?"

I guess the attack didn't traumatize him too much.
We locked the dog up and spent the rest of the time playing with docile rabbit instead.

At least I have a good excuse to go buy another shirt.