3.30.2013

Poking Dead Things

I was doing my yearly hour of yard work yesterday. I have been working on the computer way too much and I can't stand sitting there forever. Usually I just take Baby Ryan to a park or the Boys and Girls Club to get out of the house, but my yard needed some TLC.

I don't love yardwork, but I do love making things look clean and pretty.

I was out enjoying the sun and fresh air. Cryin Ryan was stoked to roll around in the dirt. I was pulling weeds when I saw this:


Naturally, I had to poke the dead bird with a stick. Ryan joined in with his own twig.

Why is it so instinctual to poke dead animals with sticks? Why can humans just leave them alone?

It was a little gross but I continued on with my work.
45 minutes later I found this little guy:

Dead lizards aren't nearly as cute as live ones.


Yes, we poked him with our sticks.

What is the Universe trying to tell me???


3.28.2013

Sleeping Beauty

I'm still working on my Disney Princesses masterpiece.

Drawn with my trusty pencil and paper:






I made this one with a magical computer:







I went ahead a assumed that Sleeping Beauty had huge boobies. She turned out a lot prettier than my other princesses. I may have to ugly her up a little.
What should I do?

Leg hair?
Unibrow?
Nasty teeth?
Spiderweb on her chotch?

I can't decide......... My life is so difficult.

3.27.2013

Hoarding Pee

Have you ever heard the toilet philosophy:

If It's Yellow Let if Mellow. If It's Brown Flush It Down?



It's a water saving technique I instituted in my house about 4-5 years ago.

Basically, if you pee you leave it in the toilet to chill out. Then you pee in the same toilet a few more times before you actually flush. A little gross, I know.
If you happen to find something brown in your toilet, feel free to immediately flush it.

I'm not a super-environmentalist but I do a what I can to reduce my carbon footprint. Saving my pee up in the toilet is just one easy way I can help save the planet. Oh yeah, I also bring my own reusable bags to the grocery store and recycle.
I suddenly feel extra smug.... it comes naturally when you think you are better/greener than everyone else.

 It's hard to believe but there is a downside to urine hoarding.

One time, Jared's uncle showed up to see our newly remodeled bathroom without an invite. I hate when people just show up at my house unannounced.

Of course our pee soup was simmering in the pot.
I felt so vulnerable as we showed him around and noticed my homemade lemonade was floating in our new toilet.
Although my whiz was visible, it looked a lot classier since we put new travertine floors in.

So do me a favor, let me know before you come to my house so I can flush. K? Thanks.


Ultimately, whatever you do privately in your underpants is your own business. amen.

3.20.2013

Before and After Kids 2.0

I've been trying to hone my graphic skills. 
Obviously I need a lot a practice, so I've been reworking some of my old paper drawings. 

 The crappily rendered "before" drawing is HERE.


 Considering I have only been doing graphics for a few weeks, the new version is a bajillion times better.











I totally forgot to add a massive pile of laundry behind the "after" drawing......

These pictures would be a lot better if they weren't so accurate :(


3.18.2013

Hey Jared, Thanks for the Pictures

I finally sat down and organized all the picture files on my computer. Organizing 8 years of pictures took longer than I expected, but at least I won't have to do it again until 2021.

I was going through all the folders when I noticed all the pictures Jared takes of me are gross and/or embarassing.   
It's nice that I can look back and remember how disgusting I am. 
The most common themes included:


Breastfeeding in Public:




Sleeping During the Day:



Licking Batter out of a Mixing Bowl:




 Playing Video Games Instead of Being a Mom:



This is just a small sampling of all the lame pictures Jared took over the years.
What makes it even better is that Jared has all these amazingly cute/sweet pictures. Obviously I am a little more thoughtful when it comes to photographing my spouse.




My scrapbook is going to be incredible. Great.

Well.... at least Jear-Bear is attractive. I didn't marry him for his brains or thoughtfulness anyway.

3.15.2013

Desperately Clinging to Youth


On March 20th I will turn the ripe age of 29.

From what I heard, It's all downhill from here.


Getting older wouldn't be so bad if I didn't already act like an 80 year old.

Consider the following:

  • Jared's Grandma (who is easily one of my favorite humans) and I hit up the Early Bird Special at Yolanda's.
  • I am regularly in bed by 9pm.
  • I enjoy loafers and Birkenstocks.
  • I read the news.
  • I need glasses.
  • I can't hear that well.
  • I have fine lines and wrinkles. 
  • Sometimes I drive like an idiot.
  • I bake things.
  • I forget what I'm doing.
  • I feel so alone and scared without my fiber supplements.
  • I read way too many books.
  • I quit ditching out on Relief Society.
  • I carry cough drops in my purse.
  • I fall asleep at church.

At least I can cling to my youth given these facts:
  • I sadly admit to wearing Victoria's Secret Pink brand clothing even though I am way over the 13 year old age limit this line is intended for.
  • I have teenager acne.
  • I eat candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
  • I draw dirty pictures.
  • I pretend I'm sick if I don't want to do something.
  • I am easily distracted.
  • I cry when I don't get my way. 

I think I might adopt some kid habits to further preserve my youthfulness.
Eating my boogers, running around without pants on, and yelling in the middle of church will really give me the edge I need. 

3.12.2013

Little Baby Poop-Hands


I have spent the last few days coming to terms with the fact that Ryan is no longer the precious little pee-baby I once knew.

Four days ago:

He emptied  around 30 sweaters from my closet and rolled around in them. Little pieces of banana and cheerios where embedded in every "hand-wash only" piece of clothing.




Three days ago:

He saw that I had started a bath. I left the room for 4.79 seconds and when I came back, he had jumped in..... completely dressed.




I was about to shower anyway, so I stripped down and joined him. I was sitting in the tub, peeling his clothes off when I smelt pee. 

Oops! I must have forgotten that he loves to pee and probably had at least 1/2 - 1 full cup of urine in his diaper..... Since the diaper was fully submerged in the water all the baby piss was seeping through his diaper into the bath water I was playing in. 

Luckily for me, I remembered reading somewhere that swimming in baby urine is good for the skin.


Two days ago:

Pee-baby showcased his physical dexterity by skillfully climbing out of his crib and waking me up with an evil/proud giggle and a 2-handed slap in the face. Instead of waking up and caring for my child, I put a pillow over my head and let him run wild through the house for an hour. 

When I did drag my listless body out of bed, I was pleased to discover that Pee-Toddler had only eaten 3 entire tubes of chapstick. 

video


Only after I video taped him crawling out did I realize my mistake in encouraging his anti-authority behavior.

Now I have to figure out a new method of caging him up at night.


And finally, yesterday:

I was in the office pretending to work hard when Pee-Toddler came in and tried to crawl on my lap. 
I pushed him off asap because I smelt something foul. 
Ryan was covered in poop.

He had taken off all of his clothes and pinched a huge loaf in his diaper. 


After completing his #2, he stuck his right hand down the back of his diaper, grabbed some soft serve and wiped it onto his belly. With a continuous motion he drug his hand up over his face and onto his hair. 
(Though I was not an actual eye-witness to the poop incident, I am pretty sure this is exactly what happened given the evidence presented.)

 I HATE poop, so no, I didn't take a picture. I was too busy hating my life.

Immediately after I threw Ryan in the bath (yep, the same bath he made pee-soup in a couple day before) I had to go on a hunt for any fece(s) he may have distributed around the house. I didn't find any smears besides the ones on Ryan's body, but for the rest of the day I was suspicious.


I felt betrayed by my own flesh and blood. 

This was just another situation where I was so offended that I am not going to go to church for at least two weeks.

Only someone who loves poop a lot would wipe it in their own hair.
From here on out, I reserve the right to refer to Cryin' Ryan as "Poop-hands" where I see fit.


 seriously you guys, amen.

3.06.2013

Ugly Fighting

Some days I wake up, look in the mirror, shake my head in disappointment, and thank heaven that beauty products exists.

When I need to not look ugly, I use my arsenal of effective, ugly-fighting products.

If I was rude enough to post a "before" picture of myself, you would definitely be wondering what magical products I use. Here are some of my favorites:

 
 Clear Eyes Red Eye Relief Eye-drops
When I stay up too late watching Gypsy Sisters, I can count on these eye-drops to make me look refreshed and bright-eyed. No matter how awesome your make-up and outfit are, if you look stoned and bleary-eyed you will look like white trash.



 
Crest Whitening Strips
Next to eye-drops, this is the most essential beauty product. You can't strut around with popcorn kernels for teeth. White teeth make you look instantly younger and it will be less likely that people will mistake you for a Russian Hooker. Trust me on this one.




Bath and Body Works Super Rich Body Cream


This is the thickest, creamiest  most luxurious lotion I have ever used. I keep a few tubes in my emergency 72 hour kit. I don't want to be caught with dry skin in any situation.


Make up forever - Super Lip Gloss


it's thick, sticky and tasteless. Just how I like goop that squirts on my mouth.


Bare Minerals 


When I wake up and my skin is breaking out (which is everyday for the past 9 years....) I cake this stuff on. Other concealers and foundations only highlight my teenage acne. This stuff actually conceals it.... mostly.


Fresh - Black Tea Instant Perfecting Mask


It's a little pricy but since I have a friend who gets me a Sephora discount, so I can totally splurge. This mask is so refreshing and makes my skin look a little bit less crappy.

I love beauty products so much I think I'm going to draw them with little hearts on my 
notebook.