6.29.2013

Bikini Slut

As practicing Mormons, we all believe the body is sacred and should be dressed modestly. Most Mormon girls wear one-piece bathing suits or conservative tankinis.
I, however, have always enjoyed a two-piecer.


My boobs are significantly smaller than my butt and bikinis allow me to purchase different sizes for the top and bottom.

Let's not forget about how I have an unusually long body. Every One-piece I have ever owned give me a chronic case of Camel Toe....... front and back.

I went swimming with Jared's family a couple of night ago.
All the girls were wearing amazingly cute one-pieces.

I felt like such a slut.
I was so uncomfortable. I didn't even want to sit down because I was scared I would get my slut everywhere.

I have been contemplating the ethics associated with being a mother of a 2 year old and prancing around in a bikini.

I can't decide if it is more socially acceptable to be chasing your kid around in a bikini or rocking the Camel Toe in a one-piece.
It's obviously one of life's more difficult questions.



 I need to go shopping.






amen.

6.28.2013

My Sister Megan Insults Newborns

Remember my rude little sister, Megan Barlocker Swenson, who called my baby a douche?



Well, a couple of days ago, she told my brother, Jake, that his newborn baby "looks like Mr. Bean"........... ON FACEBOOK.
While that is not the worst insult, it does illustrate a patten of stupidity that we have all come to expect from her.




Jake called me to vent about how stupid it is to insult a newborn. He was pissed and I am protective of my family, so I replied.


Luckily my mom deleted the picture before Jake's wife saw it. The last thing you want to hear after you carried a baby for 40 weeks and gave birth, is that people are talking crap about your sweet baby on the internet.

Did I mention my dumb sister is pregnant? You would think a pregnant chic would be smart enough to not insult other people's kids, right? She should know how protective parents get when it comes to their babies. Anyone with social skills knows that even if  you think a baby is ugly, you don't say it. And you definitely don't say it on a platform where hundreds of people will see it too. 

There are 7 kids in our family and Fegan has had problems with everyone. 

She defended her comment by saying that it was "just an observation".

I have always knew Meggy-Feg-Fegaroo was socially inept, but the problem is even worse than I imagined. I guess in her world, you can say whatever you want as long as it's "just an observation".

Here are a few of my favorite:

- Recently she "observed" that our sister Rachel was messing her life up and going to hell.
Meg-zilla has said this frequently but Rachel was so sick of it she had to threaten Megan at our brothers wedding before Megan would leave her alone.

- She "observed" how disgusting and ugly the bridesmaids dresses were for my nice little bro's wedding.

- Let's not forget the time Feg-Feg kicked our brother, Daniel, in the balls and then "observed" that he was not worthy to hold the priesthood by texting him:

"Have fun knowing you're not worthy to hold the priesthood, Bitch."

......Which Daniel then forwarded to all of us.

- She "observed" that it was ok for her to steal money from the  non-profit organization she worked worked at before getting fired.

- She "observed" my 2 year old was a douche bag.

- She "observed" that people cannot swear around her unless she is the one doing it. Meg-face is partial to this brand of religious hypocrisy. She has even gotten kicked out by multiple roommates for trying to impose her religious will on others while she does not follow them herself. 

- She "observed" that I am an idiot for taking 7 years to get a B.A. in Social Work because she got her associates of photography in 3 years.

- At a recent wedding shower, Sir Meg-a-Lot introduced my awesome sister Sara as "the fat version of Emily" to strangers.

Feg-face is the type of person who would cry for a week if anyone made observations about her life/looks/baby. She is unbelievably self-absorbed. She cannot comprehend that an entire world exists outside of her realm.



Meg-nugget was home schooled (though she did nothing for a couple years) and has been outside of Utah 3 times. After growing up in South Salt Lake, she immediately moved to the Mormon bubble of Provo where she has lived since.
She is small-minded and has little life experience. She is queen of the double-standard.
She believes that she is smarter, better, and more spiritual than everyone else. Including you.



My siblings and I really need some wisdom and advice on how to deal with our rude, socially inept sister. I don't want problems in my fam and I don't want her to take anyone else's priesthood away.............

then again, I also would like to kick her in her vagina.

But seriously, has anyone else had to deal with a moron who insulted their child? What did you do?
How do you deal with someone who is basically the master of the universe?
And most importantly, how do deal with social rejects without punching them square in the china?


As I usually like to include things that make others smile in my posts, enjoy this video of how cute my douche bag baby was being on the airplane:


video




If you have any other "observations" or advice, comment or email!



UPDATE!

Megan just sent me this via Facebook:


  • Today
  • Megan Barlocker Swenson

    That blog post makes me laugh at how mad and hurt you are at this whole thing. I'm not even mad! While it's still fresh, why don't you add in there that I mentioned that your newborn son looks like a premordial dwarf 2 years ago? I think that would make your post all the more better!
    Photo
    Cute new grandson on the quilt I made him.




    Pretty judgmental from someone who looks like this:




    C-L-A-S-S-Y.

6.27.2013

Moab and Swoobies


Moab, Utah can be an awesome place to explore......... but NOT in the middle of summer.




3 of my seven siblings, their kids, and my parents parents drove down to the steaming condos we rented. All of my family lives in Utah except for me, so trips like this don't happen much.

It was so hot I had swoobs (like "swass" - sweaty a$$ - but with your boobs) the entire time. I really felt bad for Jared and Cryin' Ryan cause I knew they probably had a wicked case of saran wrap (when your ball sack skin sticks to your leg like saran wrap).



The only fun part was showing off how agile I am when I wear my Chaco sandals. I tap-danced on a steep incline for my sister, Sara, who was very impressed.




 The only relief from the saran wrap, swoobs and swutt-crack, was the condo community's swimming pool and spa.
At one point almost all 12 members of my family were sitting in the hot tub. I decided not to get in as I did not want to be involved in any Barlocker stew.




amen.


6.25.2013

San Francisco

A couple of months ago my parents flew out and met us in San Francisco.

 I was secretly giddy because PIXAR studios are there and in my next life I am sure I will be an animator (NOT a prostitute, as my brother would have you think).


This picture illustrates my need for serious butt exercise, as I am clearly on my way to a "mom butt". 


On the other hand, my boobies are looking awesome! Too bad it's 90% Victoria's Secret and only 10% me. 


My mom and Cryin Ryan on a boat tour. Ryan did not behave himself. 



My sister Rachel came with us after visiting me in Camarillo for a week. We caused an impressive amount of trouble. 


While eating in Chinatown, the only thing Pee-toddler wanted to do was stick grapes on his chopsticks, and shove them in his nose.
Way to celebrate other cultures....




THE WINCHESTER HOUSE!!! I have been wanting to go here since I saw a creepy documentary on the history channel. I even wrote it down of my life's To Do List. 
 It is awesome and totally worth the money my dad paid for us to go. 




We didn't get to go on the cool basement tour because once again, Pee-baby is too young and ruins everything. Instead we played near a small fountain in front of the house, which totally made up for it........NOT.





AWWWWW! My parents are so rad. 



6.21.2013

10 Things: Hate List


I have been in the mood to write a deep, inspiring post that will motivate everyone to be better....
but that would be B-O-R-I-N-G.

Instead I will amuse you with a list ten things that have pissing me off lately.

1. People disciplining other people's children.

2. Gaining 10 pounds every time I visit my parents in Utah.

3. Favorite friends moving away to the worst state ever, South Dakota.



4. That my cat died.

5. People disciplining other people's children.

6. Changing a 2 year old's diaper. sick.

7. The mess that comes with remodeling my house.

8. That my baby reads on a higher level than I do.




9. Knee shorts.

10. Did I say people disciplining other people's children?


ugh. 

6.19.2013

Nipple #3


While in Utah, Ryan grew a 3rd nipple.

He was embarrassed about it so my sister, Sara, had to restrain him while I took a picture.




Every time we visit Utah, Cryin Ryan gets weird skin problems.

Once, his legs got all scaly like lizard skin.


Maybe he is allergic to constant road work, bad drivers, and people with perma-grins.



(Don't judge Ryan for his head being the same width as his shoulders)

Now that we are home, his 3rd nip disappeared. 
Spooky. 


6.17.2013

Toilet Paper Lingerie

My mom threw my brother's fiancé, Erika, a bridal shower.
She put me in charge of one of the games.

You know that one bridal shower game where you get into groups and try to make the best wedding dresses out of toilet paper?

Yeah, we didn't do that.

Instead, I had everyone use the toilet paper to make their make the best wedding night lingerie.

I questioned how successful this game would be with our conservative Mormon family, but I specialize in all things inappropriate and decided to do it anyway.



I gave each group some toilet paper and a roll of white duct tape. I figured we would need tape since most of the toilet paper pieces would be pretty small.

I gave them 20 minutes.

Since there was a good amount of kids there, I drew huge coloring pages on poster boards. It distracted them while the adults were up to no good.




When time was up, I hurried the lingerie models into the hallway.

I turned on Madonna's "Like A Virgin" and had each model strut down the living room in their slutty homemade outfits.






After the fashion show, the models lined up while the Bride and Groom chose their favorite creation.




My dirty sister's team won for their sumo diaper/sex whip/nip tassel masterpiece.




BEST SHOWER GAME EVER.


6.10.2013

Mini Batman


Like a lot of other Mormons, my brother, Daniel-baniel-fo-faniel, had painstakingly saved his virginity for his wedding night.
He had been dreaming of it since puberty.

He really wanted to make it a special experience that his bride, Erika, would remember.

Daniel's unhealthy obsession with batman fueled his wedding night plans. (You don't just give your virginity away without plans.) He told me he had been planning this since he thought of it on his LDS mission. Hopefully it was his P-day.


 

 
Thinking it was unfair that girls always wear sexy lingerie, Daniel wanted to dress up too.

He already had a mask and cape in his collection of Batman paraphernalia.
He would complete his man-lingerie with a sharpie tattoo of a bat on his bare chest.

 But no.....a naked Batman costume was not good enough for Dan.

I walked into my Mom's craftroom, days before his wedding, and found him making this:

A small black cape:



Dan started laughing and showed me a clay sculpture baking in the oven.

 
A small mask with one eyehole:
 



Yep, He made a small Batman costume for his penis.
...............And he showed it off to his family.......proudly.




I think Erika is going to be pleasantly surprised...or frightened....probably frightened.



hmmmmm..... mini Batman reminds me of other wedding night shenanigans.