5.27.2013

Batman Loves Rapunzel


My little tiny brother, Daniel, is getting married next week. He can't wait.


 



I bought them some super trashy lingerie from Salvation Army. A stained one-piece negligee is an amazing gift, but I wanted to include something extra special.



 
 

I had already dropped a large amount ($6.50!!!!!) on the sexy outfit, so I knew I would be making them something for free.
Daniel has an unhealthy obsession with Batman. His fiancé, Erika, also has a questionable affinity towards Rapunzel.
So I spent an embarrassing amount of time drawing this:





I'm going to get it professionally printed (fancy!!!) and frame it, so they can put it in storage and throw it away in a couple of years.




5.21.2013

RIP Chucky



Jared woke me up Sunday morning, "Chucky is dead, will you make sure Ryan doesn't poke him anymore?"


Chucky was lying down in one of his favorite hiding places, under the coffee table.
Our cat was just three human-years old. He was not sick and he was acting normal.




Chucky was my favorite pet ever. He was so nice and friendly. He was quiet and always hung out in the same room I was in. He only took a dump outside of his litter box once in his entire life.




We have no idea why or how he died, it sucks. Everyone knows that pets die, but it's nice to have some sort of explanation.
After some online research it sounds like it was probably due to heart defects.


Nobody wants to wake up to dead animals on their living room. Nobody.

We buried him in the ravine next to our house.


Now who is going to photo bomb every picture I take?



Who will all the little kids torture when they come to my house?



Who will bite Cry in Ryan in the head?



Who can I hog tie and shave?



I don't know how I'm going to sleep without Chucky trying to sit on my face. 

The next time I drink a bottle of tequila, I am definitely pouring some to the ground for my fallen homey.

I'm sad.

5.20.2013

Rape Prevention Tips


 I am slightly obsessed with socio-cultural articles, especially when they have anything to do with Mormonism.

An article I recently read, was mainly about how Mormonism may have affected Elizabeth Smart's actions while in captivity.
I want to focus on one of the minor points in the article. It outlines how our culture accepts Rape as an inevitable part of life.


We accept that men are naturally sexually aggressive, women are usually the target, and it is a women's responsibility to avoid rape. 

If women dress revealing they are "asking for it".
Rape victims are judged and blamed based on if they fought back hard enough.
We repeatedly excuse men's actions.




Most Rape Prevention organizations have tips to stop Rape.
We have all seen them. They circulate through facebook and group emails.
For example:
  • Never go out alone at night
  • Stay in well lit areas
  • Carry pepper spray and a rape whistle
  •  Say "No" firmly instead of using phrases such as "I don't think so"
  •  Be. Repetitive.  Repeating "No"
  •  If someone grabs you, yell, scream, kick and make a lot of commotion


Recently, a few people have started getting to the root of the matter.





Rape Prevention Tips should focus more on men, as they make up the majority of rapists.

The new tip sheet should look something like this:

  • If you see a girl who is dressed slutty, don't rape her
  • If a girl is walking in a dark alley alone, don't rape her
  • If you are feeling rapey, stay at home for the night
  • If you see a drunk girl passed out at a party, don't rape her
  • If you want to have sex with someone and they say "NO", don't rape them
  • If you are at a bar and have some GHD (date rape drug) in your pocket, don't use it to rape anyone
  • Don't hide in people's homes with rapeful intentions
  • If a girl is in her car at night in a parking garage, don't rape her


Hopefully the more we talk about this problem and hold men accountable, rape statistics will be lowered and rape victims will not have to deal with the embarrassment and blame that too often comes with it..

amen.



5.17.2013

Bug Murder


Cryin' Ryan is OBSESSED with bugs..... well, bugs and clocks.

The past couple of weeks Pee-baby has channeled most of his energy towards our insect friends.

At least once a day he brings me a paper and a pencil and wants me to draw bugs.
He stands at the front door yelling "A BUG! A BUG! A BUG!" for questionable amounts of time.

I've always been a little bit obsessed with bugs. I think they are frieking cool.
Everyday Ryan and I go outside and look for bugs. We find them and poke them with sticks, then I put them in a jar and Ryan carries them around the rest of the day.

I never really kill bugs unless they are in my house. Even then, I just grab a kleenex, squish it, and unceremoniously flush it down the toilet.

No big deal.

I don't make sound effects and I certainly don't do an evil laugh afterwards. 


Which is why I was a little concerned when I witnessed this:



video


I don't know whether to be proud that I have such a hard-core/manly baby or if I should should get a lawyer for his future criminal offenses.


5.16.2013

Etiquette with Emily


Welcome to:






This new feature on my blog aims at helping the socially inept. If you don't have any friends and people hate you, this post is probably for you.

This column is also for everyone else that has questions regarding the "right" way to deal with the unsavory people we come in contact with.

Let's begin with the first question*:

           Dear Emily,

       There is this one chick that is super weird and keeps showing up at my house univited.

She never calls, texts, emails, or let's me know in advance. She does not live close to me, so I know she has to go out of her way to stop by. She is not family either, I actually barely know her, and just me her a few months ago. I may or may not have hidden in the laundry room a few times when she knocked on my door. 

I have asked her to let me know before she comes over, but she doesn't hear me because she is too busy plotting her next suprise trip to my front door.

From,
                                                                                                  "Caught in my underwear more than once"




Dear "Caught in my underwear more than once",

First of all:

1. Maybe you should think about wearing clothes around the house more often.
2. At least consider putting clothes on before you answer your front door. 

    This sounds like a classic case of generational disconnect. She is probably older, right? (Yes, I am right since I asked the question) Back in the day, it was fine to just show up at people's houses, since they didn't like to walk around in their undies, while our generation only puts pants on for special occasions.

I suggest that you hand-write her a letter telling her that you love her visits but would appreciate if she limited them to never. 

Tell her you would prefer to meet at the park, then she HAS to tell you before you meet up.


Your welcome,
emily




*Feel free to email questions to emilybarlocker@yahoo.com or if no one does, I will use stuff from my own life or just make some crap up like I usually do. 
The above question, for the record, is for realsies though.



5.13.2013

10 Things: Why I like my Microsoft Surface


 
 
  • The thin detachable keyboard doubles as a cover.
  • It has a kickstand.
  • It has a USB port.
  • The Surface is fully potty-trained.
  • It charges fast and has an 8-10 hour long battery life.
  • Crisp, clear 10.6 inch screen.
  • It is light and portable.
  • I look so awesome and relevant when I use it.
  • It gives me something to do at church.
  • The drawing and painting apps are incredible.


But the best thing of all,

It doesn't take it's pants off and dance everyday, unlike this kid:

video


5.10.2013

Ugly Princesses

I rarely draw pretty things.

I can, but I don't.

I have always been compelled to draw ugly things.
I love taking something that is supposed to be pretty and making it so gross that the people who see it are unsure if they like it or not.


I live for the moment when people nervously laugh at my drawings.













Tiana



 Belle



Ariel



Cinderella 


Sleeping Beauty


Jasmine



Snow White




5.09.2013

Cha-Bootie the Rabbit

As if I needed another reason to love little Mexican girls....


At Julie's birthday party, Cryin Ryan could not get enough of all their pets.
Even after being attacked by the dog, I could not keep Ryan away from anything furry.

He kept trying to let the attack dog out of his kennel. Either Ryan is super hard-core/brave or really dumb for trying to play with the dog that just made him bleed.

I had to distract him with a more docile animal, a rabbit named Cha-bootie.




The little girl holding the bunny in this picture took her job as the rabbit's babysitter very seriously.
No one was allowed to hold Cha-dookie unless he/she was sitting down nicely.

Pee-baby eagerly sat down. The second the little girl placed Cha-noody in his hands, Ryan stood up, squeezed the bunny and ran across the yard and hid behind a chair. Clearly, Ryan wanted some alone time with Cha-booby.


The rabbit-guardian was pissed off. She chased Ryan down and grabbed the rabbit back.

She told Ryan to be careful with HIM and to not squeeze HIM.

I knew the owners didn't know the sex of the rabbit, so I was curious as to how a 9 year old knew.



Me: How do you know it's a boy?

9 year old girl: I watch a lot of Animal Planet.................................. and I saw his balls.




 
I thought to myself, "Weird. That's exactly how I knew Ryan was a boy...... animal planet and balls."




5.07.2013

Sassy Princess Tiana




You know Tiana from Disney's The Princess and the Frog's would have a little bit of sass. She is inspired by my friend Keisha who cleverly finds a way to insert her finger and raised eyebrows into every conversation...... argument or not.

You know what I'm talking about Keisha..... you know.


5.03.2013

Birthday Dog Attack


Ryan turned 2 on Saturday!!!

For his birthday, we got him a tricycle, some puzzles, legos and an attack from a dog.

One of the my favorite little minions, Julie, invited Ryan and I to her Birthday party. Julie's mom and I got to work painting the little girls faces.


10 minutes into it, Julie's 22 year old sister brought Cryin Ryan to me covered in blood and screaming.
Ryan had snuck out the back door and tried to play with the dog. Julie's sister found him on his back underneath the dog.

My heart fell out of my butt.
25 little girls were freaking out, some of them started crying. The adults weren't much better.
I knew I had to stay calm.
NOTHING prepares you to see your child hurt, terrified and covered in blood.
It's heart-breaking enough when they trip and fall.


I could barely see Ryan's face as he reached out to me. I hurried and grabbed him. I had just bought this amazingly cute shirt hours before and decided to wear it to the party. I held him hard and close.
I didn't care that his blood was staining my new shirt and clotting in my hair.
This is serious.
I never thought I would care about something enough to let it ruin new clothes.

The dog had scratched Ryan by the eye and bit his lower lip. With all the blood, it looked worse than it really was. Why do head and lip wounds bleed so much?


 I cleaned him up. The whole time he was crying "ow mom, dog, ow, ow mom." My heart broke for him. I was doing my best not to break down and cry with him.


10 minutes later he was fine.

I took him out to the car to change our clothes.
I keep an emergency set of clothes for Pee-Baby since he poops and pees everywhere. I happened to have a couple extra shirts in the car too. You didn't  think I went shopping and only bought 1 new shirt, did you?

Sitting in my car with Ryan playing on the passenger seat, I started crying like a little wuss.

 I'm not a crying person. The last time I cried was after I gave birth to Ryan and had to have emergency surgery, exactly two years ago.

I can't even describe the feeling you get when you see your child hurt and scared. It is awful. All you want to do is make everything better.... even if it means ruining your new shirt.

I wiped my runny mascara off my cheeks and went back in to the party. Ryan ran to the back door and started yelling "DOG?? MOM, DOG? DOG?"

I guess the attack didn't traumatize him too much.
We locked the dog up and spent the rest of the time playing with docile rabbit instead.



At least I have a good excuse to go buy another shirt.

5.01.2013

Creepy Jasmine

 
This first one was just for fun using Windows app, Fresh Paint:



 
She was waaaayyyy too nasty so I redid her:

 



I feel all warm inside when I put my artistic talents to good use.