9.29.2017

I'm An Idiot About My Blog And I Went To A Kazoo Recital


So I'm an idiot.

I'm trying to give my blog a fresh look but instead I just jacked it up.

I deleted all my followers on accident.
If you want to follow my dumb-A, you still can! But I really don't recommend you reading my nonsense. It's your own choice though, do what your heart tells you.

Also, there are a bunch of problems with this new template I'm using.
Please be patient while I figure this crap out.

If it helps you feel any better, I went to a Kazoo Recital last week.




That's right. My favorite Grandma is in a Kazoo band at her old people club.




It was as magical as you think it would be. 

My phone is super bad at pics/video, but about halfway through this clip you can hear the kazoo-ing for yourself.



video


Awesome, right?!

Thanks for reading!
I"ll get my life together soon.




9.09.2017

Best Maternity Photos Ever!!!.... Of Me.


I got professional maternity photos taken.
Like a real live Mom that is proactive and cares about fancy pictures.


Have you guys seen the incredible maternity pics that everyone takes nowadays? Like being pregnant is super special or something?!?!

I know a ton of slutty girls who get knocked up, so being with child is not that monumental.

Just kidding. Yay(!) for pregnancy and Yay(!) for little babies.

I am a nasty, nasty human when I'm knocked up. The last thing I wanted was photographic evidence of it.



BUT, I happen to be cool enough to have friends in high places, and the high place I'm talking about is Sew Trendy Accessories.
I know it's hard to believe I have real live friends but just go with me here.

Sew Trendy is an industry leader in  beautiful maternity dresses. Seriously. Look at the website.
Tyson and Valerie Best are the owners and also happen to be my friends. I've known Tyson since middle school and he is a clever little $hit, and also a dad/closeted gangster.
This is thier youngest/ridiculously cute child modeling one of their photo prop crowns.

Sew Trendy - Dominic Crown

I know. Most awesome baby pic ever.  


Valerie started the company in her basement. She didn't even know how to sew. But since she is obviously brilliant and a hard worker she now has a huge warehouse factory and 45+ people working for her.
I don't know how she gets everything done and balances all the amazing-ness. She is like a white Beyonce, if Beyonce made maternity gowns and photo accessories.


photo from here


They hooked me up with an incredible handmade dress (all their dresses are handmade). I can't even tell you how excited I was to dress up.


 I got the Leyah gown.
I chose to have it made in innocent and pure white fabric - even though it's clear by my baby bump and by the way that I do my makeup that I am not a virgin... or even virgin-ish for that matter.

This style is one of those infinity dresses that you can wear a ton of different ways.

Plus this dress is awesome because you can wear it when you aren't pregnant too and it still looks amazing.


 photo from here


I'm sure you have seen the maternity photo shoot pics with the amazing dresses - where the mom looks all angelic, classic, and perfectly pregnant.
Well that's the aesthetic I wanted when I called Ashley Bridgewater who is a good friend and an even good-er photographer.

I seriously have 4 or 5 friends, so for me to claim a friendship with someone is a pretty big step. I'm even thinking of introducing her to my parents. It's serious you guys.
Actually Ashley is my little sister's friend, but that's basically the same thing, right?

Check out her magical Instagram:


She also sells herself for money. But not like a prostitute, more like a photographer. If you live in Utah book her. She is awesome with kids and knows how to work with crappy amateur models (like me.) 

Ashley knows all the secret locations for photo shoots and took me to this one by the Great Salt Lake.



LOOK AT MY AMAZING DRESS.



Sew Trendy has a Facebook page, Twitter, and Pinterest account if you like to look at pretty things or want to creepily stalk them like I do.






!!!!!!!!!
So pretty, right!?!?
I got the flower crown from Sew Trendy too. 
I was super excited because, like I said, I feel nasty and gross when I'm pregs.

I was so happy with the pics that I convinced Ashley to take some more pics of me at some locations that I had scouted out......



PART II COMING SOON!
(Trigger warning: do not read part II if you've ever had bad experiences as a pregnant stripper.)



(Oh yeah... I am not obligated to give Sew Trendy positive reviews or even review them for that matter. I just am really stoked about the dress and that my friends are kicking butt at life.)



8.04.2017

3 Kids is Not That Fun


I'm still alive b*tches.


It's been a long time since I've blogged.

 I am a different person now.

A person who is less hopeful.
A person who wears pajamas until 1pm.
A person who looks solemnly outside while placing a gentle hand on the window.
A person who wipes butts 50 times a day.


I am a person with 3 kids.







I had baby #3 at the end of April and joined the worst club in the world.
The Mom of 3 Children Club.
And this Club sucks.


Hey moms with 3 or more kids!!!:

How are you still sane???

Or, more importantly, how do you fake being sane???





Having 3 kids is kind of making me crazy.


I thought 3 kids wouldn't be that big of a deal for me.
I've worked with kids my whole life. I used to BE a kid!
 And child #2 was a breeze, so I figured #3 would be similar.

People were not kidding when they said that 3 kids sucks because you only have two hands. It's incredible how often ALL THREE of my kids need something at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME.

Taking them out in public is akin to getting sucker-punched in the crotch.
It's unbelievably painful and can leave you in tears.

I was at the grocery store yesterday. I was carrying baby #3 in a Baby wrap on my chest, Cryin' Ryan, and T-bag were running around me and the shopping cart. It was a circus.
Then baby #3 started scream-crying. I forgot the pacifier.

She screamed the entire 20 minutes we were there.

I was pissed off but determined to finish shopping. There was no way I was leaving and coming back later.
Have you ever loaded 3 small children into a car?!?!?! It's not fun.

People were staring at us while shaking their heads with a small smile - like they were sending me the message, "Good for you, taking your feral children to the store.... your doing the best you can <3."


Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you the good news!






Just kidding, I'm not pregnant. It's just Taco Bell and residual baby weight.





My kids are lucky I adore them because they really suck my will. And ultimately, who else can I talk to at 6am about how many bullets I think it would take to kill a dinosaur?


And you know what? Even though having 3 kids is kicking my butt, I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to mom my butt off - and I will be the mommiest mom ever.








5.17.2017

My 3 Year Old Is An Idiot



I've already come to terms with the fact that a part of me will forever be an idiot.
What I can't come to terms with is the fact that my 3 year old is now part of that club.

You're probably thinking, but emily! How can a 3 year old be idiot?!
 .... Easily.

I think all of us mothers can agree that pretty much all 3 year olds are not that smart.
Sometimes I think Tyler may be slightly dumber than his peers.

I present the following arguments:

  • T-Bag was playing with a toy gun at Cabela's and hit himself in the face resulting in a dent in his forehead.



  • He stupidly picked up this dead bird with his bare hands, then picked his nose and ate his booger. That idiot probably caught some bird disease. I had to teach him how to play with dead things with a stick. 


  • I brought cupcakes to my brother Jake's house for the kids to decorate. We gave everyone candles and sang them all happy birthday, because that's how bored I was. Tyler tried to blow out his candle, got too close, and singed all his eyelashes off like a complete fool.






  • He was walking on the sidewalk, fell down, and landed on his face. Now his front tooth is all jacked up and dead.... from walking. 





He is so lucky I think he's cute and funny, otherwise I would disown him fo' sure.




4.09.2017

Stupid Things I've Cried About While Being Pregnant






This is actually hard for me to admit, but being pregnant with baby #3 has left me a sobbing mess.

I'm not a cryer.
I hate crying.

I have a sick sense of pride that tears rarely leave my body.

My first two pregnancy's had no effect on my emotions. I felt normal as far as emotions went.

A lot of people say that being pregs with girls is different than being pregs with boys.

As I looked back over the last 37 weeks, I realized what a crying little wuss I've been.
I don't know if it's because my baby has a vagina or if I'm turning into one.







The extra embarrassing part is what I cry about. It's the stupidest stuff ever. I would never shed tears over this stuff in real life.

Here is some of the stupid stuff I've been blubbering about:

  • My hair.
I got my hair done a month ago. It was too blonde, so I cried 4 days in a row until I got it fixed. I even cried in front of Husband and it was super embarrassing.



Look how yellow/orange it was.
I sobbed about this on the phone to my mom. I know it's just hair. Embarrassing.

  • Jared and I didn't have sex before he went out of town.
Because now he thinks I'm fat and ugly and he doesn't love me anymore. I just know it. And what if he dies and that was my last chance to bang him?

Don't worry though. I called him, he turned his car around, and came home for a quickie. 

  • A video of a precious moment between a mom and baby. 


It made me cry but that didn't stop me from watching it 20 times.

  • The baby's room was a mess.
 Yeah, I whimpered about this too. Then I just organized it and was fine. 

  • I threw up in public.
I'm no stranger to throwing up in public, I do it all the time when I'm knocked up.
But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester it suddenly makes me cry.
I don't cry until I get home, but still.

  • I scratched my car.
I don't even care about my car. I don't need the newest or coolest car.




There is a reason I drive an older inexpensive car, and that reason is because I like not stressing out about it. But you better believe I cried about scratching the car I don't care about. Why? Cause I'm pregnant.

  • I peed my pants for the 8937089286th time.
It's frustrating and I'm sick of doing extra laundry. Plus, my 5 year old harasses and bullies me about it.

  • A guy hit on me at the grocery store.
That is so freaking disgusting to me. A guy is really interested in hooking up with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby? Ew, Gross. He was even wearing an Ed Hardy-esque shirt with rhinestones. What kind of world am I bringing a baby into?

  • My brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Jenny, threw me a little birthday party.
It was so cute and unexpected. It was so nice of them. They made my favorite french dip sandwiches and got me cupcakes.




They bought me flowers and a meat stick.




 AND a freaking Raptor skull because skulls make me happy.



It was so nice. Of course I cried.

  • I can't see my pubes good enough to trim them.
What is my ob/gyn going to think? I want to be judged by the content of my character and not my pube situation.




This is just a small sampling of all the stupid stuff I've cried about. Hopefully I'm not the only pregnant girl that does this.
WWHHAAAHHH!



4.04.2017

Valentines Day 2017: At Least I Tried



My mom always made holidays special for us as kids.

I want to do the same for my little crotch muffins.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to put more of an effort in making special days awesome for them. Especially since I forgot T-Bag's birthday last year.


I stayed up a solid 25 minutes after my bedtime decorating my house with stupid Valentine's day stuff. I only did it because kids love decorations.

 


I hate clutter so the fact that I put up decorations is a testament to how much I'm willing to sacrifice for my kid's happiness.




By the way, why do kids like decorations so much? It's freaking weird.



In my pregnancy induced stupidity, I thought it would be a good idea to leave a confetti trail on the carpet.
I am an idiot.
I sprinkled hundreds of tiny red glittery hearts down our entire hallway.

 


Don't ever do this. 
That picture does not illustrate the magnitude of glitter hearts that littered the hallway.

I realized what a bad decision this was immediately after the boys woke up, ran through them 50 times, and scattered them throughout the entire freaking house.
At least I tried.


After my late night decorating binge I started Valentines Day off right by making beautiful red pancakes for the boys.




The pancakes ended up looking more like raw hamburger patties, but my boys are used to my culinary failures.






At least I tried.

What I didn't fail at was the incredible heart-shaped peanut butter cookies I made later that night. That's the only thing I can make food-wise. cookies.





We had to go to Costco and because it was a day of dedicated to love, I let them do the thing they love most there. Jump in the pillow displays.






 I'm sure the employees love it too.

I even made a bunch of paper hearts and hid them around the house for the kids to find.






 I should of thought of this activity sooner. The kids loved it, and it kept them busy for 30 minutes which is a huge win in the parenting world.


I don't know if I can ever redeem myself for forgetting T-Bag's 2nd birthday, but at least I tried :)




3.29.2017

Questionable Kids Shows On Netflix





I'm knocked up with my 3rd child. I hate being pregnant and am sick the entire 9/10 months.
Because of this, I am apathetic about my kids TV consumption.




They have been watching SOOOOOO much TV these past weeks months.

I still feel like I am an awesome mom because every once and a while I make them watch shows about smart people stuff, like Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ultimate Animal Fights. I also let them out of their kennels once a week.





But....  we need to talk about Netflix.

I love Netflix. I love how cheap it is.
We don't have cable or normal TV, so Netflix is all we use. 
I love that there a a ton of wholesome kids shows.

I love that I can sit my kids in front of the TV for hours at a time without annoying commercial breaks.
I don't need my kids to be bugging me to buy the latest sugar cereal and Nerf guns.


However, there are a few shows that I'm a little concerned about.
Which is unfortunate since I am already concerned about my children in general.




Ryan knows how to turn on any show he wants by himself.

That explains why I walked out and saw a talking cartoon butt on the TV screen one day.

Now, I am a person that can appreciate a well illustrated butt.
However, what I cannot appreciate, is my 5 year old appreciating cartoon butts.

The is a show actually called, The Day My Butt Went Psycho.




It's about a dude who is a junior butt fighter and his butt.... that went psycho.

The butt even has a name, and that name is Deuce.
For those of you that are as well-versed in all things poop, Deuce is another name for the number 2.
The number 2 is also a common nickname for poo. As in #1 is pee and #2 is poo.




So the butt's name, Deuce, means poop.
It's actually pretty clever.
But ultimately, I have way too much poop and butts in my life right now.



Then there is a little animated show called StoryBots.





It's a cute show that is educational and fun.
What concerns me is the freaking weird stuff that randomly pops up while you're watching it.

My kids were just hanging out, tryna learn about animals when this freaky camel song came on and creeped them out.


video
 

Were you aware that camels made that sound? 
You can see it for yourself in Season 1 Episode 4: Animals and Emotions

I don't need extra creepy things keeping my kids up at night. They already have to deal with images of me throwing up and peeing my pants every day.



You may be surprised to find out that Little Einsteins is another show I have problems with.

First of all, whoever thought of calling a kid show something with Einstein in it is brilliant.
Who doesn't want their kid to be an Einstein?

One day I would like my kids to understand physics and do their hair super sexy.




I was a fan of Little Einsteins until I saw how the red spaceship thing bounces around.


video


A boner shaped spring. That's how it bounces around. A boner spring.

You can watch this pseudo-porn in Season 1, Episode 5: Pirate's Treasure.



Oh, and there is a coloring page online if you want to cement that reality in your kid's head:



 Print it at: coloringsky.com


Or you could buy them this suggestive toy spaceship.
I'm not here to judge you're parenting decisions.





Anyway, I just want all you other negligent moms - who let their kids watch too much TV - to be warned about the potential dangers of Netflix. 






Let's just focus on protecting the children.