Meet Kenley

By the way, I had a baby..... over 8 months ago.
I figured I should blog about it before she goes through puberty so here it is. 

Kenley Rose Scott

April 23, 2017

6 lbs. 9 oz.

18 inches

cute as shit.

I loved her instantly. I was out of the hospital in 24 hours. It rained the first 3 days we were home. Like God was accommodating my wish to cuddle her in a cozy house with the fireplace warming us up.
Husband Jared and I cuddled the crap out of her. Literally. Newborns crap like 20 times a day. 

There is nothing better than a wrinkly, frog-legged newborn baby. Everything is so tiny and cute. And little babies smell soooooooooooooo good. I sniff Kenley like a frat boy sniffs drugs. I wish there was a perfume that smelled like newborns so I could spray it directly into my nostrils everyday.

When my 6 year old Cryin Ryan met her in the hospital for the first time he was stoked. And when he saw her open her eyes he was even more excited. My cold black heart melted.

 Look at how excited he is in that picture. So. Stinking. Cute.

Tyler liked her initially. But now that she is 9 months old he hates her with a passion. 


I took Baby Kenley to a rodeo when she was 3 months old and this cute teenager with Downs Syndrome loved her as much as I do.

She insisted on helping me feed the baby. 

Look how tiny she is on the 4th of July:

Having a baby girl is different than having a boy in many ways.
Changing Kenley's diaper is way harder than changing a boy's diaper. I'm pretty skilled when it comes to wiping poop of ball sacks, but not so good at navigating girl parts (which was surprising since I am a proud owner of my own girl parts).

Husband Jared is so cute with her too. He is gentle and sweet in a way that he wasn't with our boys.

He is so in love with her, that he doens't get that mad when I buy too many dresses for her.



 


Kenley sleeps through the night like a champ. Mostly because we read Babywise, but also because she is awesome.

Guess who else is awesome.
My mom. She is the best helper around. She babysat the human monkeys while I took naps, she helped keep my house clean, cooked for us, wiped everyone's butts, and even spent the night at my house when Husband had to go out of town. Thanks mom.

 Even when she cries it's hard to get mad at her since she looks like this:

 You can't get mad at a tiny crying elf.

I can't wait to post the newborn pics my friend Violet Luftkin took!

(Appropriate) Maternity Photos: Part I

I got professional maternity photos taken.
Like a real live Mom that is proactive and cares about fancy pictures.


Have you guys seen the incredible maternity pics that everyone takes nowadays? Like being pregnant is super special or something?!?!

I know a ton of slutty girls who get knocked up, so being with child is not that monumental.

Just kidding. Yay(!) for pregnancy and Yay(!) for little babies.

I am a nasty, nasty human when I'm knocked up. The last thing I wanted was photographic evidence of it.

BUT, I happen to be cool enough to have friends in high places, and the high place I'm talking about is Sew Trendy Accessories.
I know it's hard to believe I have real live friends but just go with me here.

Sew Trendy is an industry leader in  beautiful maternity dresses. Seriously. Look at the website.
Tyson and Valerie Best are the owners and also happen to be my friends. I've known Tyson since middle school and he is a clever little $hit, and also a dad/closeted gangster.
This is thier youngest/ridiculously cute child modeling one of their photo prop crowns.

Sew Trendy - Dominic Crown

I know. Most awesome baby pic ever.  


Valerie started the company in her basement. She didn't even know how to sew. But since she is obviously brilliant and a hard worker she now has a huge warehouse factory and 45+ people working for her.
I don't know how she gets everything done and balances all the amazing-ness. She is like a white Beyonce, if Beyonce made maternity gowns and photo accessories.

photo from here

They hooked me up with an incredible handmade dress (all their dresses are handmade). I can't even tell you how excited I was to dress up.


 I got the Leyah gown.
I chose to have it made in innocent and pure white fabric - even though it's clear by my baby bump and by the way that I do my makeup that I am not a virgin... or even virgin-ish for that matter.

This style is one of those infinity dresses that you can wear a ton of different ways.

Plus this dress is awesome because you can wear it when you aren't pregnant too and it still looks amazing.

 photo from here

I'm sure you have seen the maternity photo shoot pics with the amazing dresses - where the mom looks all angelic, classic, and perfectly pregnant.
Well that's the aesthetic I wanted when I called Ashley Bridgewater who is a good friend and an even good-er photographer.

I seriously have 4 or 5 friends, so for me to claim a friendship with someone is a pretty big step. I'm even thinking of introducing her to my parents. It's serious you guys.
Actually Ashley is my little sister's friend, but that's basically the same thing, right?

Check out her magical Instagram:

Ashley Bridgewater Photography

She also sells herself for money. But not like a prostitute, more like a photographer. If you live in Utah book her. She is awesome with kids and knows how to work with crappy amateur models (like me.) 

Ashley knows all the secret locations for photo shoots and took me to this one by the Great Salt Lake.

LOOK AT MY AMAZING DRESS.

Sew Trendy has a Facebook page, Twitter, and Pinterest account if you like to look at pretty things or want to creepily stalk them like I do.

!!!!!!!!!
So pretty, right!?!?
I got the flower crown from Sew Trendy too. 
I was super excited because, like I said, I feel nasty and gross when I'm pregs.

I was so happy with the pics that I convinced Ashley to take some more pics of me at some locations that I had scouted out......



PART II COMING SOON!
(Trigger warning: do not read part II if you've ever had bad experiences as a pregnant stripper.)



(Oh yeah... I am not obligated to give Sew Trendy positive reviews or even review them for that matter. I just am really stoked about the dress and that my friends are kicking butt at life.)

Stupid Things I've Cried About While Being Pregnant

This is actually hard for me to admit, but being pregnant with baby #3 has left me a sobbing mess.

I'm not a cryer.
I hate crying.

I have a sick sense of pride that tears rarely leave my body.

My first two pregnancy's had no effect on my emotions. I felt normal as far as emotions went.

A lot of people say that being pregs with girls is different than being pregs with boys.

As I looked back over the last 37 weeks, I realized what a crying little wuss I've been.
I don't know if it's because my baby has a vagina or if I'm turning into one.

The extra embarrassing part is what I cry about. It's the stupidest stuff ever. I would never shed tears over this stuff in real life.

Here is some of the stupid stuff I've been blubbering about:

• My hair.

I got my hair done a month ago. It was too blonde, so I cried 4 days in a row until I got it fixed. I even cried in front of Husband and it was super embarrassing.

Look how yellow/orange it was.
I sobbed about this on the phone to my mom. I know it's just hair. Embarrassing.

• Jared and I didn't have sex before he went out of town.

Because now he thinks I'm fat and ugly and he doesn't love me anymore. I just know it. And what if he dies and that was my last chance to bang him?

Don't worry though. I called him, he turned his car around, and came home for a quickie. 

• A video of a precious moment between a mom and baby. 

It made me cry but that didn't stop me from watching it 20 times.

• The baby's room was a mess.

 Yeah, I whimpered about this too. Then I just organized it and was fine. 

• I threw up in public.

I'm no stranger to throwing up in public, I do it all the time when I'm knocked up.
But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester it suddenly makes me cry.
I don't cry until I get home, but still.

• I scratched my car.

I don't even care about my car. I don't need the newest or coolest car.

There is a reason I drive an older inexpensive car, and that reason is because I like not stressing out about it. But you better believe I cried about scratching the car I don't care about. Why? Cause I'm pregnant.

• I peed my pants for the 8937089286th time.

It's frustrating and I'm sick of doing extra laundry. Plus, my 5 year old harasses and bullies me about it.

• A guy hit on me at the grocery store.

That is so freaking disgusting to me. A guy is really interested in hooking up with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby? Ew, Gross. He was even wearing an Ed Hardy-esque shirt with rhinestones. What kind of world am I bringing a baby into?

• My brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Jenny, threw me a little birthday party.

It was so cute and unexpected. It was so nice of them. They made my favorite french dip sandwiches and got me cupcakes.

They bought me flowers and a meat stick.

 AND a freaking Raptor skull because skulls make me happy.

It was so nice. Of course I cried.

• I can't see my pubes good enough to trim them.

What is my ob/gyn going to think? I want to be judged by the content of my character and not my pube situation.




This is just a small sampling of all the stupid stuff I've cried about. Hopefully I'm not the only pregnant girl that does this.
WWHHAAAHHH!

Baby Showers and Slutty Lumberjacks

Baby sister Sara married the boy version of herself last December.
For real. They look exactly alike. 
I probs should blog about their wedding sometime because I have some awesome pics and video from it.

In true believing Mormon form, she is now seven months pregnant and due in October.

Mormons love to get married young. She was 21 and he is 20.
I know. It's crazy, but I can't judge because I also got hitched when I was 21, but at least my husband was 25 and had finished puberty.

Mormons also love to have babies right after they get married. It's basically a cultural sin if you don't get knocked up right away.
Like, when Jared and I waited 6 years to have our demon child, I was almost excommunicated and had to repent.
Same with every time I open my eyes during prayers.

 So Sara is going to have a baby real soon. I applaud her for having the balls to bring a baby into this world so young.
Anyone that has children young has my respect because parenting is HARD.


I would have been THE WORST MOM EVER if I had Cryin' Ryan at the age of 21. I would probably be in jail and my kids wouldn't know what "carnivore" means, or the different biomes on earth, or what DNA means.

 It would have been a disaster.


My mom organized a baby shower for her and baby Canyon. (You read that right, Canyon.)

By the way, I sometimes feel I should have named my kids something trendier as Ryan and Tyler will be totally out of place with all the hipster names in their generation.

I went on a Pinterest reconnaissance mission to find a theme.
A lumberjack/camping party seemed to fit the baby's name so I just went with it.



My mom and sister Megan did the fancy-pants food,  Sis-in-Laws Erika and Stephanie helped set up/clean up/make food, and I did the decorations. Stephanie probably did the least work out of anyone.



Look at this campy set up:

Too bad I didn't bring my good camera and I'm not a better photographer because these pictures suck.

That's as creative as we all could be. It looked better in person.

But wait, a few weeks before Stephanie had an idea that would make this baby shower amazing.

Remember Sara's Bachelor Party we threw her last November???
 If you have a strong stomach and weak morals, you can read them here:

Bachelorette Party: Part I 

Bachelorette Party: Part II

The highlight of the party was definitely my 37 year old husband dressed as a sexy cop and pretending to strip. 

My little sis was super grossed out and it was perfect. 

So Stephanie brilliantly suggested that Jared reprise his strip tease at Sara's baby shower.....

But dressed like a slutty lumberjack!

I just said, yes, yes, and yes!

I honestly spent more money getting the costumes together for the strippers than I spent on decorations. 

When Sara least expected it, Jared knocked on the door and did this:

My Grandma Alice was there.

I bribed my 2 and 5 year old into dressing up like lumberjacks too.
Because it was a baby shower and there was no choreographed strip dance, including children seemed appropriate.

Sara didn't appreciate our gift, but we are not sorry.

I guess this incredible idea makes up for Stephanie's lack of participation.


Sidenote: Stephanie texted me multiple times asking what she could do to help with decorating. I was just a procrastinator and made everything the night before. My fault, but let's not focus on that. 

Rat Baby

My little baby sis, Sara, got married last December and is already knocked up and about 8-ish weeks along.
I'm impressed her new husband actually found the right hole in such a short time.
It was a solid 6 years before Husband and I found it.


Sara is 21 and her baby daddy is 20. They are both freshmen in college.
I have to give a little street credit to people who get pregnant on purpose when they are that young and still in school.

Sara is super excited and will be a much better parent than I would have been at that age.

If I had kids when I was 21, I would have screwed my kids up worse than I already have.
And I would probably be in jail right now.

I'm 10 years older than Sara and have two kids. I'm basically a pregnancy expert.
That's why every once in a while I send her fun pregnancy facts:

She had an ultrasound and texted the pictures to us.
After you've had a couple of kids you know that ultrasounds all look the same so it's not that cool to see one. Like, I'm happy for you and all, but these mean nothing to me.... but I'm still glad you like them.

BUT THEN I SAW THIS ONE:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a freaking rodent!!!

I'm not here to judge though. I will treat that little Rat Baby kindly and with love. Just like I treat all my human nieces and nephews.

• I can't wait to help Sara get it's room/cage all ready.
• I am going to buy the best chew toys for it.
• I'll teach Sara how to properly swaddle a Rat so it's claws can't get out.
• If Rat Baby bites me, I'll be cool about it and not cause a scene.
• When it come to my house for a sleepover when it's older, I'll let it sleep in the heating vents or the attic so it's more comfortable.
• I also plan on supporting all of Rat Baby's dreams and life choices, because that's the type of Aunt I am.

I heard rats can form bonds with humans pretty easily so I am excited to welcome this little mammal into our family.

Congrats Sara and Alek!!!

Hungry For Vomit

I think I've established the fact that I am nasty.
My personal habits are nasty.
My thoughts are nasty.
My friends are nasty.
My extended family is nasty.
My kids are nasty.
My whole life is nasty.

A recent incident has taken my life's nastiness to an entirely new level.

When Ryan was a baby and I switched his car seat to face forward, he would get car sick.
For an entire summer, anytime I drove longer than 30 minutes in the car, he would barf curdled milk everywhere.
I was working for the Boys and Girls Club summer program and we had field trips every Friday usually in Los Angeles. I drove my own car so I wouldn't have to sit on the bus for an hour with screaming kids and this one super annoying staff member Cynthia. She was the worst.

Anyway, every Friday Cryin' Ryan would end up puking, I would pull over, spend 30 minutes cleaning it up, change him into new clothes, and show up at the destination with my boss asking why Ryan smelt like rotting protein.

It was awful.
That curdled milk baby throw-up smells amazingly bad.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I switch Tyler's car seat around and now he starts puking too. My psyche had barely healed from all Ryan's barf 3 years ago.

Tyler's car sickness threshold is low and he's been puking almost every time we drive anywhere. It's so frequent that I don't even pull over anymore. When he vomits, I just hand him some wipes and he tries to clean it up himself. He doesn't cry and it doesn't seem to bother him much.

My car permanently stinks like 1,000 rotting squirrel carcasses.

Then one day, T-bag started eating it.

This is so nasty, I don't even know what to say. Look at how happy he is.

Except it was polite that he offered some to Ryan, and Ryan graciously declined. #Proudparent


P.S. Don't get all judgy that I may or may not have been recording a video while driving my car. We were in my neighborhood with no cars/people around and I was going slow. Plus I haven't gotten in a car wreck for like 5 years, so settle down.

Karma Crawling

Mmmmmkay.
After a 6ish month hiatus from the blogging world, I finally have my own computer back. We've moved into our Utah house and everything is clean and put away.... which means I can start writing/talking trash again.

Baby Tyler is 11 months old now, and is still annoyingly smiley.

You know those creepy babies that don't crawl normally, but pull themselves around on their bellies in an army crawling position?

AND, remember my sister, Megan??? Well when we first moved here last August, her baby totally did the weird army crawl. Ultimately he is really cute but in my mind I totally made fun of him.


Good thing because now Karma is coming back at me.
Little T-Bag is a creepy army crawler :(

I know in my heart that it's because I made fun of Feg's baby.

He has no interest in crawling correctly, which does not surprise me given my children's track record of being developmentally slow.

Maybe I shouldn't make fun of babies in my head anymore. But we all know I will.

At least little Titty Monkey has some mean dance moves.

I can assure you with a confidence level of 85%, that he is dancing.... not humping our carpet.

Also, Ryan wanted me to take a video of him crawling, but then he just turned around and tried to put his butt in my camera. Typical behavior lately.

Hairy Lumberjacks

One of my favorite/inappropriate friends, Christie, came to visit a few weeks ago.  Now that I've moved back to Utah, she has moved away. Of course. Her husband is in Med school in Missouri. She really needs to get her priorities straight and move back to Utah, so we can have playdates.

I thought it would be fun to roll out a huge paper and let the boys paint nicely. Instead, Christie's cute little boy, Issac, was like "What in the Stay-At-Home-Mom-Hell is this?"

 

 

Clearly, I may have a kid-crafts pinterest addiction that I take out on any child near me. Issac was not even impressed by my huge roll of paper or amazing paint brush collection.

While Christie and I painted cute pictures, The boys dumped a whole bottle of water on the paper and spread it around to ensure our masterpiece was ruined.

After that disaster, we punished our kids by making them dress up like hairy lumberjacks.

My kids are used to being dressed up and peacefully submitted when I painted their beards on.

Once again, Isaac was not amused.

He was disgusted that Christie and I had the audacity to paint his cute little face. He smeared it everywhere while Christie expertly snuck the brown paint on here and there. It may have looked more like poop than like a beard, but we just went with it.

Of course Isaac managed to make a dookie beard look adorable:

 

 

 

Man-beard Ryan stares off into the distance: 

 

 

Tyler looks suggestively into the camera:

 

 



 

 

"What's up? My name is Christie and I like to look cute all the time so you look like a dump next to me! Hee hee hee!!!!!" - what Christie was thinking as we took these pictures:

 

 



 

 

Screw you for being a hot mom Christie. Screw. You.