Blogging Again! Maybe!

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!!
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.

I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.

Just Kidding!

If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.
I have 3 kids now.
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.




I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.

I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.

Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.
Like, look at me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.

I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.
Anti-social.

I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...
You too, Steph...

A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.

I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.
I am a girl who needs alone time.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.

But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.
So maybe I'll make more time for that.
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.

Don't cross your fingers.

My Kid Is Bad In Kindergarten

Little Cryin Ryan is growing up.

He started school last month.
I didn't even cry.
Just kidding, I cried once, then had a pity party for myself complete with a 5lb bag of gummi bears.

We went to the Back To School night to check out where I would be abandoning my child.
His teacher, Mrs. Wilson is super cute and around my age, I assume.

She had pieces of paper that parents could pick one to help donate supplies to the classroom.
Each paper had a certain item listed.


I took 4.
The teacher was like, "you don't have to take 4! 1 is more than enough. Most parents don't even take one!"

And because I usually do whatever I want, I was like, "I'll take 4, it's no big deal. Plus, I need to compensate for the fact that you have to have Ryan in your class for a year."

I went to Costco and bought a huge amount of tissues, paper cups, paper plates, and paper towels.

When I dropped everything off, I noticed that she still had a bunch of the slips of paper hanging out. I insisted that I grab a couple more.

When I dropped the second load of suck-up supplies off, Mrs. Wilson was really grateful. Once again, I mentioned that fact that Ryan can be a handful and I'm trying to make up for it.
She laughed like I was joking.

But I wasn't joking at all.


I try to volunteer in Ryan's classroom once in a while.
I was obliviously helping kids paint when I looked over and saw this:

Ryan was on the RED.
That little A-hole.

Only 2 kids were on RED and one of them belonged to me.

I couldn't believe it.
Just kidding again. I could totally believe it.
Why else would I spend $75 on school crap for their classroom?
I knew this was going to happen.


I talked to Ryan. Turns out he is well-aware that he misbehaves. At least he takes responsibility.
I grounded him from his Kindle.
Then I realized that was more of a punishment for me, so I grounded him from his friends and made him write a sorry letter.

If your kids are little punks, you can make them write apology letters! Look at this convenient free font:  KG Primary Dots from dafont.com


The next week Ryan stayed in the middle on GREEN for a solid 3 days.

But as of Friday, he is on RED again.

He said it was because he was talking to a girl about the bad-guy clowns "trying to kill everyone."
Fair enough. That's a serious topic for a child.

I told him it wasn't true and if it was true then it would be on the news.
Then my dumb-A turned on KSL 1160 and guess what they were talking about?.... the freaking clowns.

Thanks a lot KSL.

What I want to know is, is it ethically wrong to tell your kid that killer clowns only hurt kids when their clips get moved to RED?


I'm on the fence on this one.

Bear Skull Apology

Bears are my spirit animal.
I love them. I like them even more than I like Mountain Goats, and I like Mountain Goats a lot.

 

• Bears will rip you apart if you mess with their cubs.
• They like to hang out by themselves.
• Polar Bears have black skin under their white fur. Kind of how I wish I was Black even though I am undeniably white. 
• Bears can walk on their hind legs for short distances.

• Grizzly bears have awesome highlights in their fur.
• They Hibernate.
• Bears are also majestic. 

I was still pretty pissed off at Husband from an earlier argument when he came home with a present for me.
Thankfully it was not a 10" Classic Dong because I already have one of those from a previous gift giving incident.

Instead of a Dong, I came face to face with a real Bear Skull.
And yeah, I will capitalize the words Bear Skull because Bear Skulls are awesome and deserve some Respect.

I love skulls but not in the creepy Jeffery Dahmer/Ed Gein way.
I love them in the stay-at-home-mom who like science-y stuff way.

Anyway, I mostly forgave Jared for his trespasses because the Skull is pretty cool.

Laundry Lesson

Husband pissed me off so bad last week.

He pissed me off so bad, I decided to teach him a lesson.

For 4 days I quit being a super-duper housewife.

I made Jared help watch the terror children.
I didn't do dishes, pick up after the kids, vacuum, dust, or do laundry.
And I definitely didn't put out.
 I also didn't change the diaper genie sausage because my pettiness knows no bounds.

Then Husband had to go out of town for work and I felt like my point had been made.

I couldn't take the mess anymore. I furiously cleaned the entire house, and felt like my life was right again.

The one thing I didn't clean up was the laundry.
I hadn't done laundry for almost two weeks so there was a huge nightmarish pile of clothes in the mudroom. I never get behind on laundry.

Every time I walked past the pile it seemed to stare into my soul and taunt me.
I wasn't about to let a huge mound of clothes ruin my fun so I just kept ignoring it and went to the park instead.

I was still kind of mad at Jared so when he got back into town I left and took the boys up to my parents house.

When I got home later that night all the laundry was done.

Jared had folded it and put it all away. He even folded my clothes.

I was glad I didn't have to do it, but mad because crap like this makes it really hard to stay angry with him.

Well played Husband. Well played.

I Forgot T-Bag's Birthday

On March 5, my cute little spawn of Satan turned 2 years old.

Too bad I forgot.

My parents called and wanted to come over to drop off a present for him. I was all confused. I thought it was weird they were giving out random presents, but I like free stuff so I just went with it.

About 10 minutes later I realized it was Tyler's birthday.

He's little and doesn't know the difference so I didn't feel bad... But then I felt extra bad for not feeling bad initially.
I knew his birthday was coming, but when the actual day came, it slipped my mind. #motheroftheyear

That weekend we pretended it was his birthday again.

I bought him a couple presents to open.

And we let the boys decorate/destroy the birthday cake.

Tyler loved it.

So far I haven't seen any signs of resentment from him for forgetting his birthday.
I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that when he's a teenager.

Even though Tyler may be a terror child at times, I love, love, love, love, love, love him.

Here's why:

- He never cries when I put him to bed.
- When he wakes up he just hangs out in his crib chillin out until I come get him. Sometimes he might yell "Mam!" or "Ded!" if he hears us walking around.
- He is weirdly happy every time he wakes up.
- He smiles all the time.
- He laughs in my face when I try to discipline him, then I laugh and he gets out of trouble.
- He adores Ryan and tries to do everything with him.

- When it's time to eat, he always gets out 2 dishes. One for him and one for Ryan.
- He loves when Husband comes home from work, Tyler runs at him and yells, "Deddy's home!"

- He likes to give hugs while shrieking, "Huggy!!!"
- His favorite show is Barney, and it's the most annoying thing ever.
- He sings bedtime songs with me every night.
- If Jared, Ryan, or I are ever gone, he gets worried and will constantly ask for the missing person. He needs us all together.

- He cleans up messes he makes. For real. It is awesome.
- He answers his own questions and gives himself permission to do anything - "Mam, jewelry box? ok.", "Cheetos, ok.", "Color on wall? ok."
- He is friendly and often says hi to strangers and gives them hugs. It makes some people really uncomfortable. Don't worry, I carry a knife to shank any would-be kidnappers.

There are a million other reasons I adore him too.

It's still shocking to me how much you can love your kids.

Next year, I'm totally going to remember his birthday. Probably.

Blog Apologies

Hey. I really feel it's time to say thank you to everyone that reads my dumb, trashy blog. For realsies. Kind, thoughtful, and usually hilarious comments keep me laughing which is one of my favorite things in life.

I love stalking my readers and creepily enjoy each post. So thank you, thank you, thank you for the free entertainment.
Oh, and if you have a private blog, screw you. You better add my email to your list: emilybarlocker@yahoo.com because I don't like my blog-stalking hindered in any way.

Ok, so I read a lot of other peoples blogs and am confused at the amount of apologies bloggers present to their readers.

• I've been sooooo bad at blogging lately... SORRY!
• My life has been too busy to blog.... SORRY!
• I haven't blogged recently because I've been pinteresting and facebooking too much.... SORRY!
• I finally showered and got my life together so I couldn't post.... SORRY!
• My jail privileges were revoked so I couldn't blog for 12-16 months. SO SORRY! 

I never apologize for my inconsistent blogging.
Partly because I'm better than everyone but also because it's a freaking blog.
I'm inconsistent. So what.
You shouldn't apologize either.

So why do I even write this blog?

I write this blog because shocking and/or grossing people out is fun for me.
Once my kids are over the age of 30, I hope it will be an appallingly honest form of family history for them.

I love making people laugh.

That's why I draw, and that's why I write, and that's why I had kids.
 
The best compliment I can receive is someone telling me my adult acne is looking better or that my blog is funny.

Life is hard sometimes and laughing is as essential as breathing.

I like to think my trashy blog is contributing to the greater good.

If someone is having a bad day I hope they can read a post and feel better by throwing all their pity my way instead. I hope for the 3 minutes it takes to read one of my lazy posts, you are transported away from your troubles and experience the questionable world I live in.

That's also why I am so open about how messed up my view on the world is. Life is never perfect and honesty can be hilarious.

Some Researcher from USC contacted me about my blog.

He is doing some research on personal blogs about why people share their personal lives on the internet and to what extent.

I guess he wants to find correlations between basic demographics, political/religious views, whether you sit down to pee or not, and blogging.

Usually I would not participate in something like this because: lazy.

But my inner Sociologist got the biggest boner ever so I contacted the dude back and hooked him up with a lot of inappropriate information.

I hope the data I provided really skews the results.

Looks like my degree is really paying off when I can skew results for other people's graduate thesis work. At one point I answered that one of the primary things I write about is poo.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

Anyway, a picture to thank you:

Ew..... too creepy. SORRY!

Bachelorette Party: Part II

Part I  here.

After horrifying Sara and Kama with the What's in Yo' Mouth game, we played a couple nicer games.

Then it was time to open presents!

Sara's friends are way too nice to her and got her some awesome sex outfits.

Who would have guessed that newly returned LDS missionaries would be so adept at picking out lingerie?  NOT ME.

That's why my aggressive cucumber-wielding sister Rachel and I gave her a bunch of super cute undies from Victoria's Secret and an extra special surprise.

Look at how nervous but pleasantly surprised she was opening it.

 She was not grateful that I wrapped up Jared's Lobster Pants along with them. Which I thought was really rude because those lobster underpants are awesome.

Don't worry, I didn't let her keep my family heirloom. I just wanted to gross her out since she gave me used lingerie from Salvation Army when I got married.

Sara paid her friends back by trying all the lingerie on and prancing around in front of everyone like a happy elf.

I felt it was good exchange for both parties.
Plus, I always wanted to know what color my sister's pubes were, and now I know.


Part of me REALLLLLLY wanted to hire a stripper, but a bigger part of me didn't want to clean my carpets again.
And I wasn't about to spend money on a stripper when I happen to be married to a perfectly good specimen of a man.

While I knew it would be awful for Sara to have a stripper, I knew it would be even worse if it was her brother-in-law. Which is why that's exactly what I did.

I brought up the idea with Husband who immediately jumped (or pelvic thrusted) on board.
He said he did this kind of stuff all the time in college and I nodded my head in deep understanding.

He may or may not have had a cop uniform already altered into a stripper's outfit that he surprised me with on our anniversary.....

I told Sara we were going to play a special game and made her sit in the middle. The doorbell rang and this happened:

Sara acted like she hated it, but I know she loved it. 
I am the best sister ever.

And we have the best neighbors ever for watching the kids, even after Jared explained what it was for.

Oh yeah, Sara's BFF Assley, made amazing chili and Megan/Feg brought awesome rolls. It was way better than the candy I bought for dessert. 

Also, yes, you read that right. My sister Megan/Feg was at my house and we had fun and got along. I may even start referring to her as just "Megan" now.

Sorry Sara.
And I'm even more sorry for what we are going to do at your wedding. 

Judging Judgers

I like to think I'm an open-minded person.
I have to be. My life/kids/family is a mess.
And by mess, I mean awesome.

But seriously, I definitely admit I have faults. A lot.

I really try not judge people. I've lived outside of Utah and traveled all over the United States and 15 other countries and feel like I accept other cultures.

Even the ones that have thong underwear in their candy machines. Yes, I'm talking about you small town in Italy.

Throughout my life I have never experienced anything like Salt Lake County, Utah.
I lived in Salt Lake from the time I was 10 years old to 21 years old, so I have never lived here a real adult.

 Utah has a lot of Judgers.

I don't know why I feel there is a lot of judgement going on around here. Maybe it's the large amount of Super-Religious people, maybe because being Mormon in another state is an entirely different experience, maybe it's because I'm socially retarded.
Probably the last one.


What really pisses me off is that the judgers judge everyone then I judge them for judging. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't like to judge people for realsies. I hate it. It takes too much energy that I could be spending on other things like:

• Watching Barney
• Cleaning the goldfish crackers stomped in my carpet
• Washing my sheets since I drooled chocolate on them last night
• Writing smart-a*$ comments to my sister, Megan's, friends on Facebook
• Taking my monthly shower
• Pretending to cook by buying pre-made food at the store
• Making creepy mini-donuts with Cryin' Ryan

I like to make fun of people while generally accepting them.

Freaking Utah.

I need to figure out a way to stop judging all the judgers.
I think I will use my Mormon Girl Super Powers and make them some rice krispie squares and jello salad.

I could also put some homemade crafts everywhere in my house and get some spiritual vinyl quotes to put on my walls.

Sorry for judging you judgers.


I'm glad I live in the suburb city of Herriman. I think people out here are cooler than other places. I actually like the people I know here. Not that I hang out with them that much due to my anti-social-ness.

I like it here even though we went swimming at the Rec Center last night and a kid pooped in the pool.