Saturday, October 16, 2010

Embarrassing Deliverance

Last Thursday was one of the worst days of my life.

I woke up to horrible cramps that made me drop more than a few obscenities. I thought maybe I had a monster ovarian cyst again but then I remembered I hadn't pooped in 5 days.

Constipation is of the devil. I thought I was about to give birth to the King of Darkness himself. If you have ever been that constipated you know what I'm talking about. Every time I moved my intestines freaked out so I stayed in fetal position crying "mommy" for over 2 hours.


Having never had 5 days worth of turds stuck in my intestines I called my Doctor in a panic. I had to explain my ailment to 3 different people before they let me talk to the nurse. Reiterating my butt issues to strangers was the last thing I wanted to do.


The nurse suggested I go buy some enemas, suppositories or mineral oil. However this would require me actually going to the store. I went through a mental list of people I could call for emergency butt supplies. I was such a mess I decided no one should witness me in this condition. I was going to venture to Rite Aid alone.

In my pajamas, I put on a hoodie, sunglasses and Nikes. I walked carefully to the car. I arrived at Rite Aid and wondered around for butt supplies. I was walking like I was holding a quarter between my butt cheeks. This took so much concentration I began to sweat.

I asked the pharmacist where I could find stuff to get 5 days worth of poop out of my body, she pointed to isle 3. She did not appreciate my wit when I asked her if Rite Aid sold pick-axes.

I bought every butt supply available. Enemas, suppositories, mineral oil, Metamucil, laxative, stool softener. Anything that had to do with butts I was going to buy. I wanted a full arsenal of weapons to use on my buttocks.

I got home and suspiciously eyed my purchases. I needed something that would work fast. The enemas promised to work in 5-15 minutes, but I was skeptical about putting that much liquid in my bum. It looked like the suppositories were going to be the best option.

Now, I was terrified of putting something in my butt. I didn't grow up in that kind of household. But, I was also terrified of my entire body filling up with dookie and eventually choking on it.

Shaking my head in shame I inserted it. I don't know what was worse: the fact that I put something in my butt on purpose or the fact that it wasn't that bad.
I struggled to wait 15 minutes like the package suggested. I waddled to the toilet and recited positive affirmations. "Soft serve ice cream, dump trucks, etc."

Finally, deliverance. Embarrassing deliverance.

P.S. If anyone needs constipation relief, my arsenal is full.

4 comments:

  1. I'm glad I'm not the only person that confuses stuck dookie with ovarian cyst pain...

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  2. Your bowel movements are my second favorite topic. Right after my vagina, of course. :) Glad everything came out all right. BAHAHA

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  3. Oh my gosh Emily...I was laughing SOOOOOOO hard while reading this, you are HILARIOUS with your descriptions!! Thanks for the humor & for sharing your intimate details...it was a GREAT read!! *hugs*, Debbie Freitas ; )

    ReplyDelete
  4. Although this did make me giggle because your descriptions are hilarious, I have to say I feel for you. If I lived in Cali I would have totally gone to Rite Aide for you and bought anything you needed...that sounds miserable! Glad everything came out okay... :)

    ReplyDelete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.

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