Embarrassing Deliverance

Last Thursday was one of the worst days of my life.

I woke up to horrible cramps that made me drop more than a few obscenities. I thought maybe I had a monster ovarian cyst again but then I remembered I hadn't pooped in 5 days.

Constipation is of the devil. I thought I was about to give birth to the King of Darkness himself. If you have ever been that constipated you know what I'm talking about. Every time I moved my intestines freaked out so I stayed in fetal position crying "mommy" for over 2 hours.

Having never had 5 days worth of turds stuck in my intestines I called my Doctor in a panic. I had to explain my ailment to 3 different people before they let me talk to the nurse. Reiterating my butt issues to strangers was the last thing I wanted to do.

The nurse suggested I go buy some enemas, suppositories or mineral oil. However this would require me actually going to the store. I went through a mental list of people I could call for emergency butt supplies. I was such a mess I decided no one should witness me in this condition. I was going to venture to Rite Aid alone.

In my pajamas, I put on a hoodie, sunglasses and Nikes. I walked carefully to the car. I arrived at Rite Aid and wondered around for butt supplies. I was walking like I was holding a quarter between my butt cheeks. This took so much concentration I began to sweat.

I asked the pharmacist where I could find stuff to get 5 days worth of poop out of my body, she pointed to isle 3. She did not appreciate my wit when I asked her if Rite Aid sold pick-axes.

I bought every butt supply available. Enemas, suppositories, mineral oil, Metamucil, laxative, stool softener. Anything that had to do with butts I was going to buy. I wanted a full arsenal of weapons to use on my buttocks.

I got home and suspiciously eyed my purchases. I needed something that would work fast. The enemas promised to work in 5-15 minutes, but I was skeptical about putting that much liquid in my bum. It looked like the suppositories were going to be the best option.

Now, I was terrified of putting something in my butt. I didn't grow up in that kind of household. But, I was also terrified of my entire body filling up with dookie and eventually choking on it.

Shaking my head in shame I inserted it. I don't know what was worse: the fact that I put something in my butt on purpose or the fact that it wasn't that bad.
I struggled to wait 15 minutes like the package suggested. I waddled to the toilet and recited positive affirmations. "Soft serve ice cream, dump trucks, etc."

Finally, deliverance. Embarrassing deliverance.

P.S. If anyone needs constipation relief, my arsenal is full.


  1. I'm glad I'm not the only person that confuses stuck dookie with ovarian cyst pain...

  2. Your bowel movements are my second favorite topic. Right after my vagina, of course. :) Glad everything came out all right. BAHAHA

  3. Oh my gosh Emily...I was laughing SOOOOOOO hard while reading this, you are HILARIOUS with your descriptions!! Thanks for the humor & for sharing your intimate details...it was a GREAT read!! *hugs*, Debbie Freitas ; )

  4. Although this did make me giggle because your descriptions are hilarious, I have to say I feel for you. If I lived in Cali I would have totally gone to Rite Aide for you and bought anything you needed...that sounds miserable! Glad everything came out okay... :)


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