Last Thursday was one of the worst days of my life.
I woke up to horrible cramps that made me drop more than a few obscenities. I thought maybe I had a monster ovarian cyst again but then I remembered I hadn't pooped in 5 days.
Constipation is of the devil. I thought I was about to give birth to the King of Darkness himself. If you have ever been that constipated you know what I'm talking about. Every time I moved my intestines freaked out so I stayed in fetal position crying "mommy" for over 2 hours.
Having never had 5 days worth of turds stuck in my intestines I called my Doctor in a panic. I had to explain my ailment to 3 different people before they let me talk to the nurse. Reiterating my butt issues to strangers was the last thing I wanted to do.
The nurse suggested I go buy some enemas, suppositories or mineral oil. However this would require me actually going to the store. I went through a mental list of people I could call for emergency butt supplies. I was such a mess I decided no one should witness me in this condition. I was going to venture to Rite Aid alone.
In my pajamas, I put on a hoodie, sunglasses and Nikes. I walked carefully to the car. I arrived at Rite Aid and wondered around for butt supplies. I was walking like I was holding a quarter between my butt cheeks. This took so much concentration I began to sweat.
I asked the pharmacist where I could find stuff to get 5 days worth of poop out of my body, she pointed to isle 3. She did not appreciate my wit when I asked her if Rite Aid sold pick-axes.
I bought every butt supply available. Enemas, suppositories, mineral oil, Metamucil, laxative, stool softener. Anything that had to do with butts I was going to buy. I wanted a full arsenal of weapons to use on my buttocks.
I got home and suspiciously eyed my purchases. I needed something that would work fast. The enemas promised to work in 5-15 minutes, but I was skeptical about putting that much liquid in my bum. It looked like the suppositories were going to be the best option.
Now, I was terrified of putting something in my butt. I didn't grow up in that kind of household. But, I was also terrified of my entire body filling up with dookie and eventually choking on it.
Shaking my head in shame I inserted it. I don't know what was worse: the fact that I put something in my butt on purpose or the fact that it wasn't that bad. I struggled to wait 15 minutes like the package suggested. I waddled to the toilet and recited positive affirmations. "Soft serve ice cream, dump trucks, etc."
Finally, deliverance. Embarrassing deliverance.
P.S. If anyone needs constipation relief, my arsenal is full.