When you are pregnant or about to become a parent by other means, you also become a catalyst for unsolicited advice.
Every one you know will pounce on you and tell you everything they think you should do when you have a child.
A lot of super annoying mom's think they are professionals.
Be kind to these types of moms. They are only trying to help.
My unsolicited advice: Just smile and nod at them. Agree with them. Tell them they should write a book.
Then raise your kids however you freaking want to.
Usually you get standard advice and warnings, like:
- sleep when your baby sleeps.
- breastfeeding takes practice
- you are going to spend a lot of time staring at your little crotch muffin.
- toddlers get into everything, so kid-proof your entire existence.
- 2 year olds suck.
- you are going to get pissed on.
You get the idea.
I'm here to warn you about the disturbing and unexpected moments no one tells you about.
Hopefully, you will at least you'll feel solidarity with other parents when these things happen. You are not alone. I am here with you and understand your struggle.
- There will be a point when you catch your kid pooping in it's diaper and your kid will look you straight in the eye while he keeps pooping.
- There will be a point when you think to yourself, "Well we sure got our money's worth out of that diaper." And you will mentally fist pump and be proud of the 50 cents you spent.
- You will realize you probably miss your kids more than they miss you.
When they got home, Ryan ran through the door and raced to give our cat a hug.Then he non-nonchalantly says - Oh. Hey Mom. Then he walked right past me to the bathroom to take a pee. I love you too Ryan!
Look how happy Ryan is.
- You will try to get back to your white girl gangsta roots and buy the new Kanye West Album, only to realize you can't even listen to it because you don't want your kids repeating, "I made that B**ch faaaamoussss."
- But then again, your kid WILL eventually swear, and you WILL laugh.
- You will be picking boogers out of your kids nose with your bare hands and not even care. Your nasty self will even do it in front of people with no qualms whatsoever.
- Your baby will pee and poop all over everything you love.
- At some point you'll probably play with your child by holding your baby in the air above you, and the little brat will puke right into your smiling mouth.
- Your child will torture your pet.
- You will buy them way too many toys. Mostly because you, the adult, wanted to play with them.
- Your kid is totally going to walk in on you having sex, and it will be awful. You will learn a solid lesson about locking doors during adult time.
- There will be a time when you mistakenly eat beef jerky right before changing your baby's poop diaper and it will be the worst thing ever. Even worse than your kid walking in on adult time. You will never eat beef jerky again and you will never forgive yourself.
- Nothing will ever be the same. You will worry all the time. You love them so much that you constantly stress about their safety, health and happiness.
Life will be very different.
BUT it will be funnier, happier, and WAY cuter than it was before.
Oh, and also WAY creepier: