1.09.2017

I'm Grosser Than Normal and It's Because I'm Knocked Up


I haven't blogged in a couple of months because I am a huge disgusting mess.

Disclaimer:
Let me just start off by saying how grateful I am that I get to have another baby. I know a lot of people who can't get pregnant or have to pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments.

I know it's horribly dumb to be complaining about being pregnant.
But I just feel like the readers of this blog have an exceptionally good sense of humor and forgive me of my pettiness.
Despite my rants, I know I'm lucky and am super grateful for the relentless hell that is pregnancy.


K.
Let's talk some pregnancy trash.


Usually it takes Jared and I a while to get pregnant, so I was surprised that after banging for a month, I was already knocked up.




I thought I had a solid 6 months - 1 year of non-pregnant bliss.

I don't understand the women who love being pregnant.
And I especially hate the girls who look extra glow-y and beautiful for those 9 months.

I am a nasty troll when I'm with child.
My whole body becomes a petri dish of disgusting-ness.




  • I vomit like it's my job. 
I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks from throwing up so much. The first 3 months I lost 14 pounds. I looked like a dying sallow-skinned sea turtle.
I carry around Ziploc bags so I can puke on the go.

  • My adult acne gets offended by all the extra hormones and brings it's wrath upon my face.
I have always broken out worse during pregnancy, but this time it's amazingly worse. I look like I have Syphilis and I am not amused. I already feel gross from throwing up all the time, I don't need extra zits right now.  

  • Pretty much every time I puke, I also pee my pants a little bit.
It's so classy and I love doing the extra laundry.
Some days when I throw up more than usual, I don't even change my pants inbetween pees. I just let it ride because I know I'll be peeing in them again in the next 30 min.

You are probably thinking how I am one of the grossest girls ever, and you would be right. 

  • I am nasty in public.
I was at the post office right before Christmas. There was a long line of about 25 people. I was halfway through the line, when I had to whip out my Ziploc bag and puke into it. I wasn't about to lose my place in line so I just vomited/peed in front of everyone, zipped up the throw up, and stayed in line like nothing happened.


I also have to confess that my kids have watched more TV in the last couple of months than they have watched their entire lives, and I don't even care.
I've got more important things to worry about, like doing kegal exercises in a vain attempt to stop peeing my pants.

Oh yeah, I'm due May 3, 2017 it's a girl.
And I know she is going to be the worst thing ever and a total ho, because Karma.







5 comments:

  1. Ooh, so sorry to hear you're having a rough time! But congrats on your baby girl!!!! I know she is going to be a beauty like her mother!

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  2. Karma hasn't hit you yet! Your babies are the sweetest things! I could say more but I'm grandma and I love them all! .... but if karma does hit, I'm totally on her side and will be in cahoots because you know.... revenge.

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  3. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
    I've known all along you were having a girl!!! I just knew!!!! I'm soooooooooooo excited!!!!! Molly is gonna freak!!!! I'm so sorry that you've been so sick though! If it makes you feel better your post office story made me laugh so hard that I peed MY pants and I'm NOT pregnant!!! Let me know what I can do for you! Woot woot!

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  4. Is your sister ok? You need to get her to church. I hope she can fight her cocaine addiction and stop showing her self doing sexual things on the internet

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Explains why she unfriended me. Thank you little bird! Xoxo

      Delete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.