My First Heart Attack... almost.

I was running late for school as I usually do, when I opened my front door and saw a huge chunk of something on my porch. I hurried and locked my door and stopped to see what this thing was. This is what I found:

I almost shat my pants. This nasty bug was HUGE, almost 3 inches. The one on my porch was lying on its back twitching and dying. Goo was falling out of its anus. I am not joking. If you have never encountered one of these, you should say a prayer right now, thanking God. 

I never knew these bugs even existed, so I thought I had discovered some alien bug. I decided to save it to show people, so I went inside and grabbed a Ziploc bag. I found a stick to push the fetus look-alike in the bag, but when the stick got close, the bug started having a seizure (or whatever that thing was doing...) 

I almost pooped myself again and so I left the bug alone. I did not want any anus goo on me.

I took a picture instead. Later, I was showing it to people at school and found out that it was a Jerusalem Cricket aka Potato Bug.

I have come to the conclusion that I did something to piss God off really bad, otherwise that disgusting thing wouldn't have been laid out like a present on my porch. 

I have had nightmares about it for two nights now. Really. 

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Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.