B is for Butt/Wiener Vase

Last Thursday I was leaving for work and found this on my front porch:

That's right. A butt/wiener vase filled with chips and salsa.

Completed with a ransom style note:

"You are the only one who could truly appreciate a gift like this!"

After I giggled and grinned like a fat kid for 10 minutes, a few questions came to mind.

1. Who saw this vase and immediately thought to themselves "Emily loves butts and all things inappropriate, I should give this to her...."?

2. Who is brilliant enough to fill the butt portion with chips and the peen tray with salsa?

3. Where does one find such refined decor? Surely only someplace high class like Restoration Hardware or some boutique in L.A.

4. With the anonymous nature of this gift, how will the giver know what joy and hope for mankind this present brought with it?

5. Does the giver know what kind of appreciation angry pregnant women feel towards someone who gives them food AND makes them laugh?

So many unanswered questions....
Every time I see it on my kitchen table I laugh with reverence.


  1. I hate that you have friends other than me. Damn them and their wit....

  2. How do all these things happen to you? Haha!
    Seriously i have nothing cool to blog about.
    I'm jealous.

    Especially about your AWESOME vase!

  3. We are so glad you like it. It has brought us many years of centerpiece happiness and hope that it will do the same for you. We had hoped the gift might be elevated to blog-status but it's difficult to know how some people will react.
    To answer a few of your questions:
    1-It was me. Delivered by my wife and bedmate. It was her idea.
    2-It was always intended to be the first in a functional art series but, sadly, was the only piece that was ever realized. In fact, the salsa tray was strategically placed to make the form unisex, thereby eliminating awkward examinations as one does with kittens and puppies.
    3-As hinted to above, such a piece can not be purchased in any store with mere coin. It was handmade in 1993 in my Kentwood High School ceramics class-much to the dismay of the teacher, modeled after myself (of course the firing process made my a** look alot smaller than it really is), and hand painted black to match fabulously with any occasion.
    4-Your blog post fulfills our highest expectations and grants us undying peace and hope.
    5-As a husband of a 'relatively' pregnant wife, the giver is in fact well versed in the positive consequences of such a gift, and is well pleased that such a gift will share a portion of that warmth and spice of life it has given us.
    Please feel free to put to words any additional questions and I will endeavor to share of my knowledge.

  4. Favorite two words in this post...Peen Tray...HAHAHA!!!


Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.