Our Guatemalan instructor was portly, under 5 feet tall and she had an accent that made everything sound hilarious... especially the word, placenta.
I expected to be schooled in the quick and dirty art of childbirth. What I didn't expect came on the second day of class.
CHILDBIRTH CHARADES.
The baby-daddies all had to participate as the actors. They had to pick a slip of paper from the Guatemalan's glass bowl and proceed to act it out to the rest of the class.
Jared raised his hand to go first.
He picked out a piece of paper and scanned the room for props. I knew this was going to be embarrassing.
He grabbed something in his hand and stood stoically at the front of the classroom.
Jared began to walk slowly then stopped, lifted his leg like a dog about to pee, made a graphic slurping sound and dropped a wad of paper.
Another baby-daddy yelled out, "Mucus plug!!!!!!!!!" and won a point for our team. Really.
The other slips of paper included things like, water breaking (where a dude poured his water bottle all over the carpet), placenta delivery, active labor and crowning.
Nothing gets a girl more excited for childbirth than men acting out these disturbing scenarios.
I have 2 requests:
1. I am 38 weeks now and would appreciate any prayers and thoughts of goodwill towards my baby and I. I would appreciate if those thoughts included me having it before the due date of May 2nd.
2. I also need some ideas of words and/or expressions I can use in lieu of the "F", "S", and "m-effer" words while in labor. I do not want my sweet baby's entry into the world littered with my dirty language.
In the words of my hilarious friend Kelly.... it's so close to the end I can taste it..... and it tastes disgusting. amen to that.
