Even though I'm not a model parent, I still wanted to contribute to the internets world of parenting advice.
1. Before taking your kid to the doctor for immunizations, tell him he is getting 20 pokes with the needle. Then when he only gets 2-4 shots, he will be relived and totally stoked.
2. After your kid finishes a bottle or sippy cup and it's empty, put it in the fridge so you never have to actually wash it.
(Thanks for that brilliant piece of advice Kelly!)
3. Spray an obscene amount of Lysol and/or Febreze right before you empty a diaper genie sausage, then it will smell like disinfectant, spring meadows, and day old crap. Which believe me, is way better than just day old crap smell by itself.
4. Don't let your kids ever see you pee in the shower. If they do, they will forever think it's normal and do it every chance they get. They may even pee in there when it's the middle of the day and you guys aren't taking a shower.
5. You can easily lock your kids outside in the backyard. Then when you've had enough alone time, act like locking the door was an accident.
6. If your kids bug you to buy them a dog, but you already deal with enough butts and poop as it is, tell your kid you will buy them a dog after they clean up all your neighbor's dog's poop for an entire month.
7. Don't ever travel with small children.
8. No. For real. Don't ever travel with small children. It may sound fun, but I promise you it's not fun at all. Wait until they are 25 years old.
9. When you decide to potty train your kid, buy only brown or yellow underwear. You know why.
10. Teach your kids the correct anatomical names for all their privates i.e. penis, scrotum, testicles, vas deferens... Then when you take them out in public and your kids will repeat everything and sound very educated.
Here's an extra tip since I like you guys so much and I feel bad about readers who came here for real parental advice:
BTW, I had to re-do the graphic since the original one was ugly.
It's so easy for me to brush my kids off when they need to inform me about dumb stuff.
This quote literally changed my perspective of all the stuff they want to tell me. Now I act super interested when they run in and tell me they picked up a dead squirrel and now it's on the kitchen table so I can see it.