2.28.2011

B is for Butt/Wiener Vase

Last Thursday I was leaving for work and found this on my front porch:




That's right. A butt/wiener vase filled with chips and salsa.

















Completed with a ransom style note:

"You are the only one who could truly appreciate a gift like this!"

After I giggled and grinned like a fat kid for 10 minutes, a few questions came to mind.

1. Who saw this vase and immediately thought to themselves "Emily loves butts and all things inappropriate, I should give this to her...."?

2. Who is brilliant enough to fill the butt portion with chips and the peen tray with salsa?

3. Where does one find such refined decor? Surely only someplace high class like Restoration Hardware or some boutique in L.A.

4. With the anonymous nature of this gift, how will the giver know what joy and hope for mankind this present brought with it?

5. Does the giver know what kind of appreciation angry pregnant women feel towards someone who gives them food AND makes them laugh?

So many unanswered questions....
Every time I see it on my kitchen table I laugh with reverence.
amen.

2.24.2011

Babymoons and Making Out

I was asked by a reader to give some suggestions about things knocked up women can do in Lake Powell. I feel almost overly qualified to discuss this subject as Lake Powell is where I got pregnant.
I have a pretty good idea of the location of the rock my baby was conceived behind. Actually it could have been any one of the six rocks where we snuck away to..... Which explains the unnecessary grins on our faces....



I think Lake Powell is one of the best places on earth. It is beautiful (and full of large rocks). When we go, we rent a houseboat and float around to a bunch of different campsites.

If you happen to have a huge pregnant belly you can still partake of some of my favorite L.P. activities:
  • Reading
I bring a ton of books each time I go. I especially like to read books that correlate with my surroundings such as:
Adrift - about a dude who was lost for 67 days at sea
A Sand County Almanac - written by an early conservationist and includes essays about responsible relationships between man and nature.
If you're knocked up you could bring a bunch of baby books that provide way too much info and are bound to freak you out.

  • Girlie Stuff

I love to bring spa supplies. Even though you're technically camping, LP is the perfect place for this type of crap.
I bring face and body scrubs, massage oil, deep conditioning treatments, manicure supplies, stuff for facials and whatever else I couldn't refuse at Sephora.

  • Hike

You can hike and explore everywhere. Even if you're so pregnant you can't wipe your own butt there are easy trials and walks along the beach.

  • Have Sex Behind Large Rocks

This is super fun. It doesn't hurt to bring some wet naps in your backpack for cleaning up. Just because you are in nature does not mean you need to hike around with sticky hands.

  • Nap

Take a nap in the sun with the baby-daddy. Large blocks of cuddle time will make the babymoon way better. Plus, Growing a tiny human is hard work and a little nap will never hurt anyone.

  • Stargaze/Makeout session

The night sky at LP is incredible. Bring an astronomy book if you're into that kind of nerdy thing. Then makeout. I like to makeout.

  • Swim

I suck at swimming. I am scared of open water. But... like a toddler.... throw a life jacket on me and I'm ready for some time in the refreshing water. Then makeout.

  • Flag Holding
While everyone else wakeboards you can hold the flag when someone is in the water. Tedious, but someone must do it. And since you're pregnant, you might as well get used to the fact that everyone around you gets to have fun while you're peeing and/or barfing every 10 minutes.

Jared and I went on a cruise for our Babymoon. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Seasickness + morning sickness + constipation = not that much making out.


We still had fun and it was cool to visit Belize and Honduras, as I have never been to those places before. Overall, I think our money would have been better spent on a different form of travel.

2.15.2011

F is for Fat

I just got back from a gyno appointment. I gained 8 1/2 pounds in 4 1/2 weeks.
I totally got in trouble. The doctor asked, Whats the deal? What have you been doing the last month? Did you quit walking?

I feel so dirty and ashamed.

I am officially banning Taco Bell and it's delicious nacho cheese from my diet.

I'm going to sulk and watch Project Runway reruns tonight.... and wear a sweatsuit.
amen.