My 2 year old, T-Bag Tyler, is not a friend to all animals.
He loves dogs and cats more than anything, but cannot express his love through conventional ways.
(I never claimed to be a good parent.)
One of his favorite hobbies is harassing our little cat, Chucky.
Tail-pulling, picking up by the neck, and laying on top of the cat are among T-Bags favorite moves.
One time, he put the cat in the garbage can.
There is a high correlation between treating animals badly during childhood and becoming a serial killer as an adult.
I don't want to think about that though.
Tyler is my son and I love him.
Our cat is so nice, patient, and docile.
He has never retaliated no matter the amount of abuse he receives. It's very weird.
I sometimes wish Chucky would hurt Tyler back so Tyler would learn his lesson.
In early December, Tyler learned a lesson.
Chucky likes to sit on the edge of the bathtub while the boys take a bath.
By the way, the green bathwater is from a bath bomb and not because my kids are that dirty.... even though they are that dirty.
T-bag decided to pull the cat into the water.
The cat freaked out and clawed his way out of the tub, unintentionally scratching Tyler on the way.
Tyler screamed. His legs were bleeding.
I was like, WTF is happening in my life.
Tyler kept crying about his balls, so after I calmed him down I checked out his wounds and HOLY FREAKING CRAP.
There was a slice in the middle of his bean bag.
I must have stared at it, horrified, for a solid 5 minutes.
No parenting classes or books ever prepped me for when my kids nuts get mangled.
A piece of ball-sack skin was dangling off him like tissue paper in the wind.
Seriously. What do you do?
Stiches? Double no.
Super Glue? Possibly.
I ended up putting a ton of antibiotic ointment on it and slapped on his diaper.
He walked like a cowboy the rest of the night.
His ball sack turned purple with bruising the next day and stayed like that for over a week.
Tyler insisted on wearing an ace bandage over his diaper for a few days.
I didn't blame him.
I would want some extra protection around my sliced balls too.
T-bag wouldn't let me take a picture of him in his ace bandage diaper so I had to lie and say I needed a picture of the nutcracker and snowflakes for Christmas.
I didn't realize, until just now, how mean it was to make him pose with a nutcracker while his own nuts were on the mend.
Oh yeah, If you are reading this just to find out how to make huge snowflakes, I apologize if you had to read about my kid's testicles.
All you do is use huge pieces of butcher paper and cut out a snowflake like you normally would. Duh.
I love newborns but I really love not being pregnant.