Guilty-Kid

I was in the office minding my own business, when a staff member came in and told me we had "a situation".

He was laughing so hard I could barely understand him.

Then one of the kids waddled in with a guilty look on his face.
He looked like he was smuggling a burrito in the back of his pants.
Instantly the office smelled like a racoons had died and rotted in the corner. There was a huge dump in his little kid pants.

I eyed the kid suspiciously.
I asked "Do I need to call your mom?"
He nodded yes.



The following conversation took place:

Me: Hi, It's Emily  from the Boys and Girls Club. Is this guilty-kid's mom?

Kid's Mom: yes.

Me: Um... guilty-kid needs to be picked up.

Kid's Mom: I get off work in 1 1/2 hours...

Me: Nope. He needs to picked up now.

Kid's Mom: Why?

Me: He had an ummmmmm.... accident.

Kid's Mom: What accident?

Me: In his pants....

Kid's Mom: Oh! He peed his pants.

Me: Nope. He number two'ed his pants. 

Kid's Mom: I'll be right there.

AWKWARD. 
The whole time I was thinking: MUST. NOT. LAUGH.

I asked guilty-kid if he wanted to go to the bathroom and clean up.
He nodded yes. But then he just stood there. waiting. for me to come help him.

"This is something you're going to have to do by yourself.... I'm not allowed in the boy's bathroom."

He still did not move.

"Go." I pointed to the bathroom.

Then he waddled bow-legged out of the office leaving a fowl stink in his wake. I sprayed fabreze.

I am thinking about ordering a box of these hats to keep in the BGC office. Is that crossing the line?

M is for Megaphone

I get it. We all get road rage.

But my favorite brother, Jake has recently come up with a solid plan to combat his rage.

Jake's Plan

1. Buy Megaphone
2. Keep Megaphone in car on passenger seat
3. When you feel angry/rage-full/sad/offended/bored pick up Megaphone
4. Roll down Window
5. Use best announcer voice to cuss other driver out. 

I'm not kidding one bit.

His favorite insults include:

• You Sir, are an A-hole! 
• Eff you! Really, Eff you.  
• Turning Left here is illegal Dumb-A!
• Hey troll! There's no stop sign!

The more offensive the other driver has been is in direct correlation with the amount of F-words, A-words and B-words used.

I have witnessed Jake preforming this magical feat, and let me just say, it is probably one of the funniest things ever.

I need to get my own megaphone. amen.

Painting My Boobs

A couple weeks ago, I had the pleasure of entertaining a particularly "spirited" child at the Boys and Girls Club. She was acting a fool in her class and her punishment was to hang out with me for the day. 

Staff often threaten misbehaving kids with a trip to "Miss Emily". 

That's right. I make kids cry.

The prisoner was delivered to me. 

 It turned out the little girl was just feeling sick and missing her military dad who had been deployed. It was my duty as a patriotic American to distract the little girl.

I enlisted the minions to help me.

We have had these tiny wooden birdhouses in our office forever. We also have huge bottles of paint.

Needless to say, we painted the crap out of those birdhouses. 

When we were done we showed off our freshly painted trinkets to the rest of the kids and BGC staff. 

They really appreciated the beauty that emanates from a simple birdhouse that is too small to actually use.

 I was pumped. 

 Well, I WAS pumped until I got home and noticed that, at some point, I had dunked my nips in purple paint......... and NO ONE told me.

No wonder the moms were not especially nice to me when they signed their kids out......

And no wonder the fathers were. 

 I feel violated. amen.

Just Stay Little

My friend, who happens to be an amazing hair stylist, told me on Sunday that I needed to cut Pee-baby's hair. 

 

  
Maybe she was right. 

Sunday night, Jared took the buzzers to Cryin Ryan's albino afro. 

Nothing is freakier than seeing your baby look like a twelve year old boy.  

It doesn't help that Ryan's first tooth is now visible.

I hate that babies grow so fast. 

It's disturbing.

I bet he's going to start getting pubes next week. 

Is it too early for "the talk"?

I didn't think so.

Valentine's Card

 Last time I read the scriptures, I think I remember that there was this one part that said:

Once you are a mom, thou shalt make stupid homemade crafts.

I think I read it in either Genesis or Isaiah.

As a practicing Mormon Mom, I am required to make useless crap that looks cuter than a kitten in a boot. 

One time, I didn't make crafts for, like, a month.... and I didn't take Sacrament the whole time.

I dug into my copious craft supplies and pulled out what I would need. BTW, If a Mormon girl doesn't have at least $1000 worth of craft supplies, she isn't really Mormon.

I have a proven track record in card-making, so I busted this out for Jared:

Definitely cuter than a kitten in a boot. amen.

Pee-Baby = Dinosaur

Great. I was playing with Ryan yesterday when I had a realization.

My baby looks like the baby from the Dinosaurs sitcom. Awesome.

First he looks like a elf and now he looks like a pink reptile.

Sometimes Ryan gets eczema and his skin gets scaly.... just like baby Sinclair. Ugh.

At least Pee-baby has awesome hair and is better to cuddle with:

Meet Melanie

• She goes to my church and is in the Youth Group I pretend to be a leader in.

• She is Cryin Ryan's surrogate Aunt since none of his other aunts love him enough to move to California.

• She takes better care of Ryan than I do.

• Jared has trusted  only two people to babysit Ryan, she is one of them.

• She comes over to help me pack, work and organize.

• Lucky for her, she fits in my pre-baby weight clothing.

• Ryan adores her.  

• She is cute, smiley and awesome.

• She reads my blog and doesn't tattletale on me when I'm bad/nasty.

• She gave me this for Christmas:

That's right suckers. That's what happens when you look so desperate that cute girls from your church pity you.

Free babysitting for 2012.

To garner other's sympathy and pity, all you mom's should try looking like a scared lost puppy when you hold your child. When your baby cries... cry harder. When the baby pees his pants... pee harder. And remember,

Pity = Free stuff

  

AND on top of the free childcare, she gave me cookies.

Bits of Love from my Sisters

I dug into my old box again and found the following:

 Emily, When she wakes up

(yes, that is a swastika on my shirt)
By Sara

 Emily, the evil fat elf

J.L. = Jiffy Lube
 By Rachel

By Megan

 Emily-

I missed you so bad don't ever go away again. O.k. O.k. Oh and where did you go? And I cried when you left so that would be 1 reason for you not to leave again. Then I was in the shower and I was crying in the shower, well see you later

Love/ 1 of your sisters

P.S. try to find out who I am (smiley face)
By Sara

This little gem is also from Megan:

But upon closer inspection:

What What WHAT?!

My Old Box

I have this whole box of old stuff.

It is filled wonderful treasures from my life.

When I am feeling extra douchey, I look through it to remind myself what a bad-a** I am.

Maybe it's the old pair of brass knuckles that really gets me pumped:

Or maybe all the love notes from Jared:

Everyday we spend together I love you more and more (even days when you are on your period) Thank you for marrying me, you make me the happiest. Love, Jared

Or it could be the inappropriate letters/pictures from my good friends and family.

Either way I feel awesomeness pulsing through my veins after I'm done going through it.

Everyone should cultivate an old box. 

F is for Fart

I'm disgusting.
This is what happened when Jared and his grandma were driving home with me: