Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Chucky Scratched Tyler's Balls



My 2 year old, T-Bag Tyler, is not a friend to all animals. 




He loves dogs and cats more than anything, but cannot express his love through conventional ways.
(I never claimed to be a good parent.)




One of his favorite hobbies is harassing our little cat, Chucky.

Tail-pulling, picking up by the neck, and laying on top of the cat are among T-Bags favorite moves. 
One time, he put the cat in the garbage can. 

There is a high correlation between treating animals badly during childhood and becoming a serial killer as an adult. 
I don't want to think about that though. 

**Deep Breath**

Tyler is my son and I love him. 

**Exhale**





Our cat is so nice, patient, and docile.




He has never retaliated no matter the amount of abuse he receives. It's very weird. 
I sometimes wish Chucky would hurt Tyler back so Tyler would learn his lesson. 


In early December, Tyler learned a lesson. 

Chucky likes to sit on the edge of the bathtub while the boys take a bath. 





By the way, the green bathwater is from a bath bomb and not because my kids are that dirty.... even though they are that dirty.



T-bag decided to pull the cat into the water. 
The cat freaked out and clawed his way out of the tub, unintentionally scratching Tyler on the way. 

Tyler screamed. His legs were bleeding. 
I was like, WTF is happening in my life. 

Tyler kept crying about his balls, so after I calmed him down I checked out his wounds and HOLY FREAKING CRAP.

There was a slice in the middle of his bean bag. 
I must have stared at it, horrified, for a solid 5 minutes. 

No parenting classes or books ever prepped me for when my kids nuts get mangled. 
A piece of ball-sack skin was dangling off him like tissue paper in the wind. 

Seriously. What do you do?

Bandaid? No. 
Stiches? Double no.
Super Glue? Possibly. 

I ended up putting a ton of antibiotic ointment on it and slapped on his diaper. 
He walked like a cowboy the rest of the night.

His ball sack turned purple with bruising the next day and stayed like that for over a week.


Tyler insisted on wearing an ace bandage over his diaper for a few days. 
I didn't blame him. 
I would want some extra protection around my sliced balls too.




T-bag wouldn't let me take a picture of him in his ace bandage diaper so I had to lie and say I needed a picture of the nutcracker and snowflakes for Christmas.

I didn't realize, until just now, how mean it was to make him pose with a nutcracker while his own nuts were on the mend.





Oh yeah, If you are reading this just to find out how to make huge snowflakes, I apologize if you had to read about my kid's testicles.
All you do is use huge pieces of butcher paper and cut out a snowflake like you normally would. Duh.


Oh yeah. A little over a month until Baby Girl is born. I can't decide if I'm more excited to hold a newborn or just not be pregnant anymore!!!!
I love newborns but I really love not being pregnant.






Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Our White Trash Thanksgiving


March seems like a great month to start blogging again. I'm 8 months pregnant with kid #3 and I only puke 2-3 times a day, so things are really coming together for me.

Please excuse my out-of-order and extremely late blog topics for the next little while.


We had plans to spend Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with a few of my siblings and their families.
After living out of Utah for 10 years, having family around for the holidays is great. Mostly because they make me food.

Then I found out my morally questionable sister Rachel was bringing a few of her "friends".
Though I adore Rachel, she does not have the best taste in friends as they are always trashy and ethically challenged.



One of her last friends stole my Microsoft Surface Tablet from my house and tried to pawn it. It was awesome. I never got it back. I really need to take the time to write an entire post dedicated to that douche bag because the whole story is unbelievable (if you are a normal law-abiding citizen).

Either way, Rachel picks bad people to befriend and then brings them around our family. I really don't need myself, my kids, or my wallet anywhere near people like that.

I decided to kindly ditch out of my parents dinner invite. So did 2 of my brothers for the same reason.
It wasn't that big of a deal though. My parents understand, they locked up their wallets too.

I knew that with my natural class and hostessing skills I could have my own Thanksgiving dinner and it would be enchanting.

Ryan was really excited about the idea of cooking an entire turkey carcass, so I was basically obligated to buy an entire turkey for 2 adults and 2 small children.

Ryan was in heaven. He insisted on sitting by it in the cart.




And look what my little angel made at school:





Ryan also made a culturally appropriated headband and dubbed himself Chief Turkey Pants:





I'm glad he has a teacher who allows him to express himself.


On Thanksgiving day we went and saw a movie with my side of the family. I thought I would be all motherly and make the devil children and their cousins a pinterest-y treat.

Popcorn in a paper bag made to look like a turkey leg. Precious.





And it was especially precious since the butter leaked through and made it look authentically greasy.
The kids loved it.

We got home and started cooking.
Ryan and I made rolls.



Tyler dressed up like a rapist.





Husband cooked everything else. Don't be jealous my husband cooks :)

Ryan set the table super fancy:




He used our fancy black paper plates and was really proud of himself for it. 
He only set 3 place settings, because he said I don't need to eat since I throw up everything anyway and that we shouldn't waste good food like that.



Despite the white trashiness of our celebration the boys were happy and that's all I care about anyway.





A few days later when the kids broke the wishbone, Ryan won and wished all the adults in the world had to wear diapers and poop and pee themselves every day. cute.



By the way, have you ever seen a turkey neck? Because I never have, and when Jared pulled it out of the body I thought our turkey had come with a free sex toy... which I wasn't mad about. 





I hope you all had a Thanksgiving as magical as mine was.



Monday, January 9, 2017

I'm Grosser Than Normal and It's Because I'm Knocked Up


I haven't blogged in a couple of months because I am a huge disgusting mess.

Disclaimer:
Let me just start off by saying how grateful I am that I get to have another baby. I know a lot of people who can't get pregnant or have to pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments.

I know it's horribly dumb to be complaining about being pregnant.
But I just feel like the readers of this blog have an exceptionally good sense of humor and forgive me of my pettiness.
Despite my rants, I know I'm lucky and am super grateful for the relentless hell that is pregnancy.


K.
Let's talk some pregnancy trash.


Usually it takes Jared and I a while to get pregnant, so I was surprised that after banging for a month, I was already knocked up.




I thought I had a solid 6 months - 1 year of non-pregnant bliss.

I don't understand the women who love being pregnant.
And I especially hate the girls who look extra glow-y and beautiful for those 9 months.

I am a nasty troll when I'm with child.
My whole body becomes a petri dish of disgusting-ness.




  • I vomit like it's my job. 
I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks from throwing up so much. The first 3 months I lost 14 pounds. I looked like a dying sallow-skinned sea turtle.
I carry around Ziploc bags so I can puke on the go.

  • My adult acne gets offended by all the extra hormones and brings it's wrath upon my face.
I have always broken out worse during pregnancy, but this time it's amazingly worse. I look like I have Syphilis and I am not amused. I already feel gross from throwing up all the time, I don't need extra zits right now.  

  • Pretty much every time I puke, I also pee my pants a little bit.
It's so classy and I love doing the extra laundry.
Some days when I throw up more than usual, I don't even change my pants inbetween pees. I just let it ride because I know I'll be peeing in them again in the next 30 min.

You are probably thinking how I am one of the grossest girls ever, and you would be right. 

  • I am nasty in public.
I was at the post office right before Christmas. There was a long line of about 25 people. I was halfway through the line, when I had to whip out my Ziploc bag and puke into it. I wasn't about to lose my place in line so I just vomited/peed in front of everyone, zipped up the throw up, and stayed in line like nothing happened.


I also have to confess that my kids have watched more TV in the last couple of months than they have watched their entire lives, and I don't even care.
I've got more important things to worry about, like doing kegal exercises in a vain attempt to stop peeing my pants.

Oh yeah, I'm due May 3, 2017 it's a girl.
And I know she is going to be the worst thing ever and a total ho, because Karma.







Thursday, November 17, 2016

5 Problems I Have At McDonald's Playplace






I would write an intro to this post, but I'm feeling a little rebellious.
Anyway, here are some of the problems I have everytime I take my kids to McDonald's. 


1. Getting kids to eat their food before they play.

When I was a snot-nosed kid and there was an extra special occasion, my parents rewarded us with a trip to McDonald's.
They didn't love us enough to buy us happy meals.
Actually, it probably had more to do with the fact that there were 7 kids in our family and $50 worth of happy meals didn't sound like a fun way of spending money.

We had to eat everything we ordered before we could play.
I thought my parents were such jerk-offs for this.

I swore to my 10 year old self, that I would never be such a jerk-off to my kids. never.

Fast forward 22 years, and I'm sitting here in McDonald's at 6:45pm verbally threatening my children to eat all their food or we will leave without playing and I'm not joking around one bit mister.

Funny thing is, all the other bad mom's here are having the same threat session with their little angels. 
I just made eye contact with one and we nodded to each other in mean mom solidarity.

You know how you make mom friends just by a single look that acknowledges the struggle is real?
Yeah, we did that. And now her and I are BFFs.




I don't know her name and will probs never see her again but we are still best friends.

I rewarded her by taking a creepy picture when she wasn't looking so I can scrapbook it.


2. When a bunch of teenagers come in to play.

I am all for teenagers having their fun. Just not around a bunch of small hyper children.
Someone is going to get hurt. (I can't believe I just typed that.)

Everyone knows: If you have pubes, you can't play on the Playplace.
They obviously didn't read the rules.





These cute girls rolled into the Playplace and chaos ensued.
They were running around and screaming louder than the kids were.
I helped them take a group pic under the condition that I may also take a picture and talk trash about them on my mom-blog.

 
3. Finding used Band-aids.

Remember this?
I still find used band-aids all the time. 

4. Every time a little girl screams I think it's my 5 year old boy.

One time, a shrill scream came from the slide. A dad who was there with his 3 girls got annoyed, yelled out for the screaming to stop.
Right then, Precious little Ryan crawls out of the slide, shrieking, like a girl with huge grin on his face.
 #proudmommy

5. Dirty black feet.




It's filthy there.



I really should just stop taking my kids there.

But we all know I won't, because now McDonald's sells breakfast all day and I regularly make bad parenting decisions.
Oh yeah, McDonald's has free wifi too.

And I like when my hair and clothes smells like fried animal giblets after we leave. <3



Wednesday, October 19, 2016

A Few Things I'm Mildly Upset About


I was an angry teenager.
Just look at this picture of me when I was 15:




I was probably thinking about killing small animals and how dark I should dye my hair next.
Even my freckles were angry.

As an adult, I'm more mature. I'm classier.
Now I try to avoid confrontation by flipping people off when they aren't looking or writing trash about them in my diary.

Dear Diary,
My brother Jake is an A-hole. He never invites me over for dinner.
He makes me soooo mad!!!!
Well, I have to go now, my mom made dinner and is calling me!
<3,
emily



I rarely have the urge to punch people in the crotch anymore.

Don't worry though. I still get plenty angry about some things. It's just that these days I'm a lot more chill. Mostly I get mildly upset.


Here are some things that I'm mildly upset about lately:

  • People who do not respect your personal space.
When I am waiting in a line I always stand back to give the person in front of me space because that is what considerate human beings do.
I was waiting in line yesterday at Cafe Rio and some lady behind me stayed so close to me that she practically molested me. My butt was very offended by the constant touching and caressing.
If you are a close stander, you and I can never be friends.



  • The current eyebrow trend.



I can't deal with this.
It's weird and it bugs me.
Why would you fade your eyebrows into your skin? I already have a huge space there and I don't need to accentuate it.

BTW, the reason I know I have a large gap between my brows is because years ago I was arguing with a dude and he got mad and pointed it out. Then I couldn't stop laughing and we became friends. 


  • Sparkle Jeans.
I want to understand them but I just can't.


  • My addiction to stupid Lipsense.
I'm such a lipstick whore and already have 7843 other tubes of lip stuff.
Why do I need a bunch of this brand? Because it's awesome and stays on all day. It makes me happy in ways I can't explain.




But still.
wtf.
No one needs this much lipstick.
Except me, apparently.

I even sell this stuff. I need to settle down. 

  • That I bought a slip'n'slide for the chillun' and forgot to let them play on it and now summer is over and they are whining at me.





  • People who sneeze extra loud on purpose.
It scares everyone around them. Shut up loud sneezers, you are acting like fools.
I'm looking at you, Grandpa.


  • When public places don't have baby changing tables available.
Do you know how hard it is to change a poop diaper while your kid is standing up?
Well, it's really hard and really gross. And sometimes it gets on the floor.






And if any gets on the floor, I will not clean it up, because I am a horrible person, but also to teach that facility a lesson.



  • Trump v. Clinton



These two are the nominees? This is what we have to choose between? Is this real life?
I need to go into the woods for a while and sort my feelings out.




Let's take a moment of silence for all the stuff that pisses us off a little bit.

I feel so much better. 



Monday, October 17, 2016

Why You Should Stop Folding Your Laundry


Folding laundry is for overachievers. So it's not for me.
I like to operate in the margins and do things a little different.....and I hate folding...... and I'm lazy. 


Sexy computer babe, Bill Gates, said it best:





I'm a clean freak so I wash my kids clothes, pajamas, blankets, and finger-less Micheal Jackson gloves every time they wear them. Even if they only wore it for a couple of hours.
Kids are gross.

I don't need dirty clothes fouling up my clean house.

And, I really don't like smelling boogers, dirt, and boy sweat.
I like when they smell like toxic chemicals like bleach, detergent, and fabric softener.

That's right. I routinely sniff my children.

I know this compulsion creates more laundry for me, but I am too messed up in the head to stop the washing madness.

Washing and drying the clothes is no big deal.
It's the folding that cramps my mom-ing style.


I hate folding laundry because:

  • It's sooooo boring.
I don't have a long attention span for mindless monotony. Never mind, I just remembered I look at Facebook and Pinterest all the time.
What I meant was that I don't have a long attention span for boring stuff.

  • I hate it.
I just stand at the counter for an hour and fold crap.

  • It's annoying.
The laundry is never truly done. It's annoying because every time you think you are caught up, your 2 year old pisses out of his diaper in the middle of the night and now you have to do more laundry.





  • It gets ruined by my kids. 
I make my spawns put their own laundry away because I want to teach them a lesson. And that lesson is - Mommy hates putting laundry away so you have to or I will destroy everything you love.

Inevitably, one the them drops and entire stack on the way and everything I worked so hard for is ruined.
Then those little punks scurry through their drawers like rats and unfold everything. I know my fellow mom's feel my pain on this one.




 


  • It's stupid.

  • I'm an adult and don't have to fold laundry if I don't want to. So there's that.


A few years ago I  realized that folding clothes is not necessary. You can still live a happy and fulfilled life if your undies are in wads and your shirts are shoved in a bin.







I still sort all the clothes so they are easy to find.
I'm non-nonchalant about folding but a little obsessive when it comes to organization.
Every clothing type has a designated space.

I bought a bunch of hooks to hang the kids nicer shirts and jackets on.
I got them at the Container Store and they are ridiculously useful. Hooks are so easy even T-Bag Tyler can hang up his shirts.










You know what else?
I refuse to iron anything except my hair.
Downy makes an enchanting product called wrinkle release and it actually works.
Spray that stuff on and you are good to go.
And it smells clean and fresh.







By the way, Husband does his own laundry, which is braggable.
He builds me furniture like a man and washes his own clothing like a woman. He also puts the toilet seat down.

He is so romantic.


These actions make up for the time when he bought me that apology dong.



If I was strong enough to stop folding, then so are you. (Unless you honestly enjoy folding, in that case you fold your little heart out. I respect your laundry decisions.)

It's time to make a stand against the establishment. Stick it to the Man and stop folding laundry. They can't control you anymore.
You can be lazy about laundry if you really put your mind to it.

YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Good luck comrade.




Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Shark Floor Steamer Is Just OK


Meh.
Whatever.
Nothing Special.
                      
-My thoughts on the Shark Steam Mop





My habitual cleaning addiction had me dreaming of a floor steamer FOR-EV-ERRR.
I would fantasize about sparkling clean floors and how I would roll around on them naked. (Then clean them again, obviously because of swass.)

While skipping around Walmart I spotted the Shark Steam Mop on sale for $40.

I was stoked that the cleaning gods bestowed this gift upon me. 
I smacked my lips and may have drooled a little bit. Don't Judge me.

Plus, look how happy the model looks holding the product in her manicured hand:





So I get it home, and after the kids go to bed I put it together.
It was really easy to assemble, but since I'm secretly a 12 year old boy I get distracted easily.

After I popped my zits, painted my toenails, ate some tootsie rolls and skittles from my candy cabinet, and pet the cat, I finally started steaming my floor.

One thing you should know if you are cleaning with a steamer for the first time:

You are a gross, disgusting excuse for a human. And I hope you're proud of yourself.

I thought I kept my floor extremely clean, but then I steamed it and realized my failures as a housewife and a female in general. 





Steamers will remove dirt you didn't even know existed.
This is just one more area of my life where I'm nasty. great.


As far as the Shark Steam Mop goes, it was just ok.

You have to go over the same spot 4-6 times before it's completely clean. And you have to go slow so the steam can work.
I bet I could get my floors just as clean if I used a normal mop and painstakingly went over everything 6 times.

And it's small so it took me an entire night and most of the next day to clean my floors.


I guess for $40 I can't complain that much. It got the job done.

But I wouldn't recommend it anyone unless I hated them and wanted them to spend a lot of time cleaning.





Monday, October 10, 2016

My Kid Is Bad In Kindergarten



Little Cryin Ryan is growing up.

He started school last month.
I didn't even cry.
Just kidding, I cried once, then had a pity party for myself complete with a 5lb bag of gummi bears.






We went to the Back To School night to check out where I would be abandoning my child.
His teacher, Mrs. Wilson is super cute and around my age, I assume.

She had pieces of paper that parents could pick one to help donate supplies to the classroom.
Each paper had a certain item listed.


I took 4.
The teacher was like, "you don't have to take 4! 1 is more than enough. Most parents don't even take one!"

And because I usually do whatever I want, I was like, "I'll take 4, it's no big deal. Plus, I need to compensate for the fact that you have to have Ryan in your class for a year."

I went to Costco and bought a huge amount of tissues, paper cups, paper plates, and paper towels.

When I dropped everything off, I noticed that she still had a bunch of the slips of paper hanging out. I insisted that I grab a couple more.

When I dropped the second load of suck-up supplies off, Mrs. Wilson was really grateful. Once again, I mentioned that fact that Ryan can be a handful and I'm trying to make up for it.
She laughed like I was joking.

But I wasn't joking at all.


I try to volunteer in Ryan's classroom once in a while.
I was obliviously helping kids paint when I looked over and saw this:





Ryan was on the RED.
That little A-hole.





Only 2 kids were on RED and one of them belonged to me.

I couldn't believe it.
Just kidding again. I could totally believe it.
Why else would I spend $75 on school crap for their classroom?
I knew this was going to happen.


I talked to Ryan. Turns out he is well-aware that he misbehaves. At least he takes responsibility.
I grounded him from his Kindle.
Then I realized that was more of a punishment for me, so I grounded him from his friends and made him write a sorry letter.






If your kids are little punks, you can make them write apology letters! Look at this convenient free font:  KG Primary Dots from dafont.com


The next week Ryan stayed in the middle on GREEN for a solid 3 days.

But as of Friday, he is on RED again.

He said it was because he was talking to a girl about the bad-guy clowns "trying to kill everyone."
Fair enough. That's a serious topic for a child.

I told him it wasn't true and if it was true then it would be on the news.
Then my dumb-A turned on KSL 1160 and guess what they were talking about?.... the freaking clowns.

Thanks a lot KSL.




What I want to know is, is it ethically wrong to tell your kid that killer clowns only hurt kids when their clips get moved to RED?


I'm on the fence on this one.



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