Working Out Is The WOOORRRSSSSTTTTT

Things aren't going so well for me at the moment.

I turned 34 years old this year and let me tell you, things aren't where they used to be.
I'm not only talking about my metal health, I'm talking about my body parts.

I breastfed 3 kids and even though im barely a B cup, gravity is starting to wreak havoc on your homegirl.

We all know I'm wayyyyy too cheap to get a boob job, so things aren't going to be getting much better for me.

Do you know what you can buy instead of a tit-job???

…. Lots of things.

- Backpacking for a couple weeks in Thailand
- Laser hair removal for my pits and pubes
- A 5 year membership to Taco Bell


I think we all know how near and dear Taco Bell is to my heart. Their nacho cheese is theoretically closer to my heart than a gummy silicon boob-implant would be.

Their nacho cheese is orgasmic and since my husband is out of town sometimes, that's the only thing I can look forward to.

Since I actually don't care too much about my boobs, but let's discuss the rest of my body.

I've exercised in the past. 
I played soccer from the time I was 10 and throughout high school, and even played on indoor leagues until I was 20.
I did a paper route on my rollerblades every morning from 11 years old until I was almost 15.
I've been active, but hated every minute of it.

For real, I hate exercise.
If it were possible for my to indulge in my twice and week, nay, thrice a week love affair with taco bell without getting chubby, I would.

Like I said, I'm 34 and things are going swiftly downhill. 

I can't lick nacho cheese out of the little black cups like I used to.

So, I've been working out steadily lately, and listen.... Im NOT happy about it. 

It's EXHAUSTING. 

The only part I like about it, is when it's over. 

I will admit to one major benefit.

When Husband is out of town, a good late night workout really relieves stress and sexual frustration.

I'm in my sexual prime right now, so I need to keep things tight and right, so the fact that it also realeases any frustration is a beautiful thing. 

Another thing, I love muffins.
The tops are my fav.

I love them so much that I tricked my kids into thinking the bottom half of Costco muffins are the best part. Then I get the whole top piece to myself. #momoftheyear

What I don't love is when I have a muffin top everytime I put my jeans on.

Not only am I too cheap to get a boob job, I'm also too cheap to buy bigger jeans.

FML.

Looks like I have no choice but to keep working out or buy some rollerblades and deliver newspapers again.

Our White Trash Thanksgiving

March seems like a great month to start blogging again. I'm 8 months pregnant with kid #3 and I only puke 2-3 times a day, so things are really coming together for me.

Please excuse my out-of-order and extremely late blog topics for the next little while.


We had plans to spend Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with a few of my siblings and their families.
After living out of Utah for 10 years, having family around for the holidays is great. Mostly because they make me food.

Then I found out my morally questionable sister Rachel was bringing a few of her "friends".
Though I adore Rachel, she does not have the best taste in friends as they are always trashy and ethically challenged.

One of her last friends stole my Microsoft Surface Tablet from my house and tried to pawn it. It was awesome. I never got it back. I really need to take the time to write an entire post dedicated to that douche bag because the whole story is unbelievable (if you are a normal law-abiding citizen).

Either way, Rachel picks bad people to befriend and then brings them around our family. I really don't need myself, my kids, or my wallet anywhere near people like that.

I decided to kindly ditch out of my parents dinner invite. So did 2 of my brothers for the same reason.
It wasn't that big of a deal though. My parents understand, they locked up their wallets too.

I knew that with my natural class and hostessing skills I could have my own Thanksgiving dinner and it would be enchanting.

Ryan was really excited about the idea of cooking an entire turkey carcass, so I was basically obligated to buy an entire turkey for 2 adults and 2 small children.

Ryan was in heaven. He insisted on sitting by it in the cart.

And look what my little angel made at school:

Ryan also made a culturally appropriated headband and dubbed himself Chief Turkey Pants:

I'm glad he has a teacher who allows him to express himself.


On Thanksgiving day we went and saw a movie with my side of the family. I thought I would be all motherly and make the devil children and their cousins a pinterest-y treat.

Popcorn in a paper bag made to look like a turkey leg. Precious.

And it was especially precious since the butter leaked through and made it look authentically greasy.
The kids loved it.

We got home and started cooking.
Ryan and I made rolls.

Tyler dressed up like a rapist.

Husband cooked everything else. Don't be jealous my husband cooks :)

Ryan set the table super fancy:

He used our fancy black paper plates and was really proud of himself for it. 
He only set 3 place settings, because he said I don't need to eat since I throw up everything anyway and that we shouldn't waste good food like that.



Despite the white trashiness of our celebration the boys were happy and that's all I care about anyway.

A few days later when the kids broke the wishbone, Ryan won and wished all the adults in the world had to wear diapers and poop and pee themselves every day. cute.



By the way, have you ever seen a turkey neck? Because I never have, and when Jared pulled it out of the body I thought our turkey had come with a free sex toy... which I wasn't mad about. 

I hope you all had a Thanksgiving as magical as mine was.

Baby Showers and Slutty Lumberjacks

Baby sister Sara married the boy version of herself last December.
For real. They look exactly alike. 
I probs should blog about their wedding sometime because I have some awesome pics and video from it.

In true believing Mormon form, she is now seven months pregnant and due in October.

Mormons love to get married young. She was 21 and he is 20.
I know. It's crazy, but I can't judge because I also got hitched when I was 21, but at least my husband was 25 and had finished puberty.

Mormons also love to have babies right after they get married. It's basically a cultural sin if you don't get knocked up right away.
Like, when Jared and I waited 6 years to have our demon child, I was almost excommunicated and had to repent.
Same with every time I open my eyes during prayers.

 So Sara is going to have a baby real soon. I applaud her for having the balls to bring a baby into this world so young.
Anyone that has children young has my respect because parenting is HARD.


I would have been THE WORST MOM EVER if I had Cryin' Ryan at the age of 21. I would probably be in jail and my kids wouldn't know what "carnivore" means, or the different biomes on earth, or what DNA means.

 It would have been a disaster.


My mom organized a baby shower for her and baby Canyon. (You read that right, Canyon.)

By the way, I sometimes feel I should have named my kids something trendier as Ryan and Tyler will be totally out of place with all the hipster names in their generation.

I went on a Pinterest reconnaissance mission to find a theme.
A lumberjack/camping party seemed to fit the baby's name so I just went with it.



My mom and sister Megan did the fancy-pants food,  Sis-in-Laws Erika and Stephanie helped set up/clean up/make food, and I did the decorations. Stephanie probably did the least work out of anyone.



Look at this campy set up:

Too bad I didn't bring my good camera and I'm not a better photographer because these pictures suck.

That's as creative as we all could be. It looked better in person.

But wait, a few weeks before Stephanie had an idea that would make this baby shower amazing.

Remember Sara's Bachelor Party we threw her last November???
 If you have a strong stomach and weak morals, you can read them here:

Bachelorette Party: Part I 

Bachelorette Party: Part II

The highlight of the party was definitely my 37 year old husband dressed as a sexy cop and pretending to strip. 

My little sis was super grossed out and it was perfect. 

So Stephanie brilliantly suggested that Jared reprise his strip tease at Sara's baby shower.....

But dressed like a slutty lumberjack!

I just said, yes, yes, and yes!

I honestly spent more money getting the costumes together for the strippers than I spent on decorations. 

When Sara least expected it, Jared knocked on the door and did this:

My Grandma Alice was there.

I bribed my 2 and 5 year old into dressing up like lumberjacks too.
Because it was a baby shower and there was no choreographed strip dance, including children seemed appropriate.

Sara didn't appreciate our gift, but we are not sorry.

I guess this incredible idea makes up for Stephanie's lack of participation.


Sidenote: Stephanie texted me multiple times asking what she could do to help with decorating. I was just a procrastinator and made everything the night before. My fault, but let's not focus on that. 

Eating Adventures With T-bag

While Ryan is a horrible child eater, Baby Tyler, who is also horrible, is very open to trying new things.

I wouldn't normally post about something so lame as my child's eating habits, wait.... I post about lame crap all the time so never mind.

Tyler is foul.
He eats everything that humans shouldn't.
I am seriously surprised I haven't had to call 911.

I catch him eating the weirdest things:

• Candles

  

• Roly-polys, beetles, and other appetizing insects
• Carpet cleaner
• Sucking and drinking the juice out of Lysol cleaning wipes and baby wipes
• Old onion skins from the back of the pantry
• Soap

 

• Dust bunnies
• Mascara
• Markers he especially enjoys Crayola brand because I only give my boys the best

• Diaper cream
• Victoria's Secret lotion in Love Spell and Strawberries and Champagne
• Air freshener spray
• Laundry detergent
• Shoes
• Shaving Cream

• His own vomit

What's super surprising is that my kids don't eat their boogers.

I know your thinking...... why don't you just lock all this stuff up so Tyler can't access it?
And the answer is: you and your logic can shut up.

Plus, I think I read somewhere that markers and laundry detergent are an excellent source of protein which he needs for his daily workouts.

How can someone be so gross and so cute at the same time?

Hate Eating

Cryin Ryan is the WORST eater ever.
I'll go ahead and attribute that to my sub-par parenting skills.

I'm a crappy cook by choice.
I hate cooking and I follow a 80/20 diet. 80% candy and 20% cereal.
So when Ryan wanted Reese's Pieces for breakfast, guess what, I put some in a bowl with a spoon and patted myself on the back. 

Jared is the cook in our house. (I know, I have a hot husband that cooks for me, but he also spends too much money at Home Depot so don't be that jealous.)
The last couple of years he has been somewhat of a short-order cook for Ryan..... which is exactly what you are not supposed to do.

Our biggest problem is he refuses to TRY things. I beg for him to eat just one bite to see if he likes it or not.
He didn't want to try spaghetti last week so he went to bed without dinner. He woke up in the morning pale and sad. He promptly vomited everywhere. I quickly gave him some toast so no one would call child protective services on me.


We've tried everything to get him to eat more foods.
Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, bribes, threats, tricks, and even this crap:

Finally I told him he can't ever play with friends ever again in his whole life if he didn't try some damn macaroni and cheese. I had just spent a solid 15 minutes making it and I was not messing around.

He angrily ate 2 noodles.

I considered that a win. He got down from his chair and stomped away. He was pissed.

A few minutes later he came back and did this to me:

He made up his own sign language to tell me he hates me.

Real cute, Ryan. Real cute.

Menage a` Carrots

Our house came with two grow boxes. Soil and irrigation was already set up. I felt like it would be a shame to not plant something.

I had never planted a garden before but I did watch an episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy so I had the general idea.
 
Ryan and I skipped to Walmart to buy the cheapest seeds we could find.
I made sure they were NOT ORGANIC since I hate that crap.

I made Ryan plant everything since I am a firm believer in child slave labor.

I felt the need to use fertilizer, weed killer, and pesticide just so I wouldn't be contributing to the organic lifestyle.

Surprisingly, everything started growing.

This is where it gets a little embarrassing.

My Facebook feed is often filled with pictures of how awesome other people's lives are.
I was a little proud that I actually grew something, so my dumb-a decided to post a picture of my vegetables with the caption "First Harvest!" like I was a pro at gardening and this was just another day in the life of a productive, healthy-eating parent/liar.

I should have captioned it "Holy Crap! Idiots can grow plants!!!"

Once I had accomplished my goal of growing stuff, my adult ADHD quickly led me to lose all interest.

I had bought some small watermelon sprouts since our seeds weren't growing. Instead of planting them I just let them die.

 

I quit watering everything for a while so all the peas died.

Pumpkins took over an entire grow box and are starting to dominate the other one.

Our neglected carrots got lonely and had an orgy. Which is fine because they are adults and can make their own decisions.

I was going to be healthy and eat the carrots, but they reminded me of Cheetos so I ate those instead.


At least I can cross making a salad from food I grew off my life's to do list.
Next year I plan on using the grow boxes as Baby Tyler's potty training litter box as that seems more practical.

Strawberries and Regret

 Camarillo, California strawberries are life-threateningly good.

They seriously make you want to die, because you fear nothing in the world will ever be as good as they are.

I'm pretty sure in Lehi's dream, these strawberries are what was growing on the tree of life.

And Camarillo has the best bakery in the world, The Bread Basket. They make the best berry cake you have ever eaten.

Things that Camarillo Strawberries are better than:

•  MAC lipglass
• An awesome hot tub in your backyard
• Cuddling a baby
• Hugging a loved one
• Having your period on time
• Finding a $50 bill that you hid from yourself
• My Mom's xanax

Utah strawberries remind me of cardboard and dirt. That's why every time I eat them I put an unhealthy amount of sugar on them, which is followed by an unhealthy amount of regret.

When I am diabetic, I know it will be because of the crappy strawberries.