Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Plankton

Everyone I know is pregnant or has kids or wants them. I am surprised/hurt that no one comes to me for advice about kid stuff.
I am pretty much an expert on this subject since I was once a fetus and a kid, but not at the same time. After trying for a short time to get impregnated, one of my brothers and his wife became very disturbed. I offered my sage advice, "...maybe you're not using the right hole." After this, they finally succeeded. I have yet to receive a thank you card.
My older and favorite brother also snuck a bun in his wife's oven. I know it was because of my suggestion to give his wife a surprise birthday lap dance. One thing led to another.

With two of my brother's wives expecting, Mom has taken it upon herself to harass me into getting pregnant. Last time I checked, sperm was what got a girl pregnant, not harassment. But I love Mom, so I allow her to do this. Today, for my own entertainment purposes, I decided to make Mom really happy.

I sent her an email with the subject line: Surprise! Ultrasound Pics!

then included one-
I bet she cant wait!


6 comments:

  1. I love the artwork. I don't want kids either and my parents won't leave me alone about it. I think they should just wait for my brother to knock someone up.

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  2. Good god my mom would scream! I can't stop laughing. The more I think about the more I am ok with only one. I dont know if I want to give up 2 more years of my life for an infant.

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  3. Ok so I have sufficiently stalked you enough now to know that you are not the same person that I see at church and the gym.

    Who knew you where hiding all of this personality from me.

    We really need to hang out more!

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  4. Hey Emily, I found your crazy blog through Natalie's! It looks like you are doing well! Your blog is hilarious, I really enjoyed the "camel toe" story.

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  5. You are such a funny little girl! I am so glad to be your mommy...even though you put me through more than a trax bus ride! :) Children are definately worth it...case in point...I had FIVE more after both you and Jake. The day will come when I can teach your little three year old girl to stomp her foot and yell, "WHATEVER... I DO WHAT I WANT" . I'm just waiting patiently for the day! ...did you and Jared use the right hole? or is he just infertile?

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Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.

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