Everyone I know is pregnant or has kids or wants them. I am surprised/hurt that no one comes to me for advice about kid stuff.
I am pretty much an expert on this subject since I was once a fetus and a kid, but not at the same time. After trying for a short time to get impregnated, one of my brothers and his wife became very disturbed. I offered my sage advice, "...maybe you're not using the right hole." After this, they finally succeeded. I have yet to receive a thank you card.
My older and favorite brother also snuck a bun in his wife's oven. I know it was because of my suggestion to give his wife a surprise birthday lap dance. One thing led to another.

With two of my brother's wives expecting, Mom has taken it upon herself to harass me into getting pregnant. Last time I checked, sperm was what got a girl pregnant, not harassment. But I love Mom, so I allow her to do this. Today, for my own entertainment purposes, I decided to make Mom really happy.

I sent her an email with the subject line: Surprise! Ultrasound Pics!

then included one-
I bet she cant wait!


  1. I love the artwork. I don't want kids either and my parents won't leave me alone about it. I think they should just wait for my brother to knock someone up.

  2. Good god my mom would scream! I can't stop laughing. The more I think about the more I am ok with only one. I dont know if I want to give up 2 more years of my life for an infant.

  3. Ok so I have sufficiently stalked you enough now to know that you are not the same person that I see at church and the gym.

    Who knew you where hiding all of this personality from me.

    We really need to hang out more!

  4. Hey Emily, I found your crazy blog through Natalie's! It looks like you are doing well! Your blog is hilarious, I really enjoyed the "camel toe" story.

  5. You are such a funny little girl! I am so glad to be your mommy...even though you put me through more than a trax bus ride! :) Children are definately worth it...case in point...I had FIVE more after both you and Jake. The day will come when I can teach your little three year old girl to stomp her foot and yell, "WHATEVER... I DO WHAT I WANT" . I'm just waiting patiently for the day! ...did you and Jared use the right hole? or is he just infertile?


Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.