Saturday, September 12, 2015

Lying Can Be Fun!



I recently realized I am a dirty little liar.
I felt bad for a solid 8 seconds. Then I lied to myself and brushed the guilt aside.

I lie all the time.

Yesterday someone from my church asked if I could cook dinner for another family today.
I lied and said "yes!"
But honestly, I have NO intention of cooking anything. I fully plan on going to Costco and buying some pre-cooked food and passing it off as my own.

I recently lied to the dentist when he asked me if I flossed everyday. My mouth said "yes", but my gums said "no."


Lying has become a pretty useful tool in my daily life, see below!






Lies I tell myself:

1. Tomorrow I'm totally going to wake up early and exercise.
2. My bathroom habits are completely normal.
3. I'm for sure going to answer phone calls, text messages, and email in a timely manner.
4. These skinny jeans look amazing and I for sure don't have muffin top or sausage legs.
5. Laundry is fun!
6. I going to cook dinner tomorrow!
7. I will stop saying bad words in front of the kids.
8. I will also stop laughing when my kids repeat the bad words.
9. I am going to bed at an appropriate time and will not stay up reading like a rabid dog.
10. This is the LAST pimple I am ever going to pop.







Lies I tell my kids:

1. Sorry, They don't make replacement batteries for your extremely obnoxious toy.
2. The park is closed.
3. McDonald's is closed.
4. Everything is closed.
5. If you cry in a store the police will put you in jail. 
6. I'll cook you dinner tomorrow!
7. You forgot to bring your own money? I guess there's no way we can buy more legos :(
8. If you say the swear words I taught you at church, Jesus will cry.
9. You are my favorite offspring.
10. Daddy is just giving Mommy a massage.







Lies I tell my husband:

1. Of course I showered!
2. The kids FOR SURE did not watch too much TV today.
3.  I did not spend all day in my pajamas while you were out of town.
4. I'll still love you if you go bald.
5. I am wearing stretch pants and tennis shoes because I totally worked out today.
6. This dress is not new! I've had it forever!
7. Everything I buy at Sephora is an absolute necessity.
8. I LOVE when you spend your days off in your workshop! I don't need a break from the kids!
9. Of course it doesn't bug me when you snore!
10. Sorry, not tonight. I have a headache.



yep.



3 comments:

  1. I lie everyday too. Every time I check that damn "I have read the terms of use" box. Don't feel bad.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You make me hysterical.. I have much the same lies expect I've bullsh--ed myself into believing they are true. :)

    Jane

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think this is probably the only honest thing I've read on the Internet today. Thank you. Just, thank you.

    ReplyDelete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.

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