My Kids Hate Me, And I'm Cool With It

I'm the type parent that feels like the more hate you cultivate (wait, did I just rhyme? I knew I should of been a white girl rapper......)

Continuing on,
I feel like the amount of hate my kids feel towards me is directly related to how good of a parent I am.

Exponential hate is the best kind of hate.

I'm not talking about severe amounts of hatred, I'm talking about HEALTHY amounts.
Just enough so that they resent you in their early 20's but they'll still visit you on Sundays.

Like, If my kids think it's cool to not eat the dinner I made for them, you can count on me to emotionally berate them and/or guilting them into eating it.

I'm not about to cook them food without the expectation they would eat that crap.
I HATE COOKING, but I DON'T HATE yelling at my unappreciative kids.

Or what if they think its cool to not pee before we leave the house?
Imma emotionally abuse them until they march into that bathroom right now and at least give it a try.

One time, T-Bag Tyler was yelling in the house and I took it up a few decibels to show him who was louder.

Nothing makes me want to make an appointment with planned parenthood more than when my kids yell in the freaking house.

That gets real old, REAL fast.

It's my job as a mediocre parent to teach them the ways of our cruel world and if that involves them hating me sometimes, I accept it.

I can't handle the parents who want their kids to love them 100% of the time. Where is the fun in that?
It's your responsibly and God given right to piss your kids off.

I LOATHED my parents a solid 89% of my formative years and look at me now. I turned into a semi-productive citizen who generally obeys the law. And I LOVE my parents now.

Discipline those little punks when they throw at fit in public, steal from your candy stash, or poop in a urinal at school.

Have some fun with it and get creative.
They'll still love you.... just not for a few hours.

Working Out Is The WOOORRRSSSSTTTTT

Things aren't going so well for me at the moment.

I turned 34 years old this year and let me tell you, things aren't where they used to be.
I'm not only talking about my metal health, I'm talking about my body parts.

I breastfed 3 kids and even though im barely a B cup, gravity is starting to wreak havoc on your homegirl.

We all know I'm wayyyyy too cheap to get a boob job, so things aren't going to be getting much better for me.

Do you know what you can buy instead of a tit-job???

…. Lots of things.

- Backpacking for a couple weeks in Thailand
- Laser hair removal for my pits and pubes
- A 5 year membership to Taco Bell


I think we all know how near and dear Taco Bell is to my heart. Their nacho cheese is theoretically closer to my heart than a gummy silicon boob-implant would be.

Their nacho cheese is orgasmic and since my husband is out of town sometimes, that's the only thing I can look forward to.

Since I actually don't care too much about my boobs, but let's discuss the rest of my body.

I've exercised in the past. 
I played soccer from the time I was 10 and throughout high school, and even played on indoor leagues until I was 20.
I did a paper route on my rollerblades every morning from 11 years old until I was almost 15.
I've been active, but hated every minute of it.

For real, I hate exercise.
If it were possible for my to indulge in my twice and week, nay, thrice a week love affair with taco bell without getting chubby, I would.

Like I said, I'm 34 and things are going swiftly downhill. 

I can't lick nacho cheese out of the little black cups like I used to.

So, I've been working out steadily lately, and listen.... Im NOT happy about it. 

It's EXHAUSTING. 

The only part I like about it, is when it's over. 

I will admit to one major benefit.

When Husband is out of town, a good late night workout really relieves stress and sexual frustration.

I'm in my sexual prime right now, so I need to keep things tight and right, so the fact that it also realeases any frustration is a beautiful thing. 

Another thing, I love muffins.
The tops are my fav.

I love them so much that I tricked my kids into thinking the bottom half of Costco muffins are the best part. Then I get the whole top piece to myself. #momoftheyear

What I don't love is when I have a muffin top everytime I put my jeans on.

Not only am I too cheap to get a boob job, I'm also too cheap to buy bigger jeans.

FML.

Looks like I have no choice but to keep working out or buy some rollerblades and deliver newspapers again.

Wiping Butts

Is it weird I still wipe my 4 year olds butt?

I insist on wiping all my kids butts until they pass a rigorous proficiency test that proves they are capable of thoroughly cleaning their own areas.


Poop is disgusting, I hate it.

No. Look me square in the computer monitor so I know your with me.

I. FREAKING. HATE. POOP.

I've written extensively about my professional hatred of sh*t.



I use 7-10 wipes every time I change Baby Kenley's diaper.

My Husband is ridiculously frugal and almost vomits every time he witnesses my wasteful wipee usage.

It's caused significant probs in our marriage. Worth it though.
I'm not about to use one wipe and let baby crap seep through onto my hands.

Back to wiping my 4 year olds butt though.....

I don't want him to do a sub-par job and then I have to scrub the residual skid marks out of his undies. GROSS.

When it comes to wiping your kid's butt, how old is too old?

A while ago, my friend Christie was APPALLED that I still wiped Cryin Ryan's butt. He was around 4 years old at the time.
She said she would literally kill herself if she was still wiping her kid's bum at that age.

That was the first time I looked inward and realized that I couldn't wipe his butt till he goes to college (although I am a fantastic mom so I totally would.)

I seriously googled "how to teach your kid to wipe his own ass".

One of the articles suggested demonstrating it.
Like, I'm supposed to pantomime wiping my own rear end in front of my children?
No thank you Mam', I have already messed up my kids enough.

And I really don't want my kids telling the neighbors how "mommy pulls down her pants and we saw her butthole."


I know butt-wiping is a skill everyone should master. And as a devoted mother, is it my job to teach them.
I just really don't want to scrub it out of their underwear though!!!...….

That's DIS-GUST-ING.

I'm not about to wash poop undies with the rest of our laundry. 
I gag when I think about poop undies, Tide detergent, my clothes, and fabric softener marinating together in a washing machine. 
*dry heaves.

I have thrown multiple pair of undies away because a miniscule speck of turd was on it.
Frugal husband wasn't happy about that game plan either.

I know I'm going to have to teach Tyler, my precious little angel of a 4 year old, to wipe in the near future.

Pray for me and all the poop stamps that will litter my household and permeate his clothing.