I never had a zit until I turned 18 years old. It was like overnight I had become the "before" picture in those Proactive ads.
I looked like a slice of pepperoni pizza.
It sucked. It was embarrassing. I felt disgusting and had to wear loads of makeup.
I tried every acne product available. Proactive, Clinique, Murad, Bliss, Clearasil, etch. but nothing ever cleared it up.
To make my greasy face even worse, I developed an obsessive habit of popping all my pimples. I couldn't stop. I was addicted to squeezing crap out my face. I even had one of those magnifying mirrors so I could get all up in my zit's business.
Everyone who knew my dirty little secret (maybe not so secret considering evidence was on my FACE) got mad at me and told me to leave my face alone.
One of my favorite friends, Christie, who had beautiful tan skin all the time got especially pissed off since my effectiveness as a wing-woman suffering. She always told me to stop picking at my face.
My parents offered visits to the dermatologist, but I was too busy busting blackheads.
After I got married, Jared patrolled my mirror time. He told me to "leave my pretty face alone"since that was the "only reason he married me". Either way, I still found a way to maintain my pimple farm.
Towards the last half my pregnancy with Titty Monkey, the cesspool on my face suddenly cleared.
Could it be?! Had I finally grown out of my adult acne?!?!!
I wasn't using special face products. I'm pretty sure I wasn't even showering every day.
So why did my zits disappear?
It was because I was too fat to reach the mirror. My belly prohibited me from bending close enough to the mirror and therefore I could not pop all the nastiness out my face.
Who knew that leaving your face alone would be so good for it? Oh yeah, everyone.
I kind of like not having pizza face so I stopped assaulting my face all the time.
Now, when I am bored or anxious, I just pop Jared's zits instead.
You don't have to email me, I know I'm disgusting.