Butt Slime

Having sweat in your butt crack is a humbling experience.

Anytime I get Swass, my brain starts thinking about how everyone around me must have Swass, and how we are all humans and we are all equal because we all have sweaty butts.

Swass. The great equalizer.

After I've inventoried people around me, I then select who must have the worst Swass and I feel sympathetic towards them.
Then, for the rest of the day I think about butts and curse my brain for being so disgusting.

Great. Now I am thinking about butts just cause I typed the word "Swass". There goes my day.

Cryin' Ryan  HATES any moisture between the cheeks. HATES it.

When he was younger and first starting to realize he had a butt, he would get very worried anytime he sweat in it.

He looked at me, horrified that this kind of injustice exists.

He was trying to get my help and explaining what was wrong.


Then it was my turn to be horrified.

I hurried to the bathroom while he followed me all bow-legged and careful.
I was expecting the worst, as someone should when they are potentially dealing with a kid that says they are harboring butt slime.

I went to clean it up and there was nothing there.
I told him he was fine.
He would not accept my diagnosis and insisted I wipe off the slime.

That's when I realized what I was dealing with. Sweaty butt.

I dutifully wiped his crack like any good mother should.
Ryan appreciated it and felt he could go on living a normal life.

Now, anytime Swass rears is ugly head/butt, Ryan announces to the world he has butt slime. Literally yells it out.
This happens in public all. the. time.

He has no shame.
Soccer games are the worst.

We get a lot of grossed out/judgemental looks from other people.  I wish they were more tolerant of kids with sweaty rear ends.
The way our society discriminates against butt slime have-ers is appalling. 
Butt slime victims are humans too.

Both of my kids suffer from Swass. 

I hope this post brings more awareness to this awful problem.

(In the interest of full disclosure: this post is not sponsored by the Children's Butt Slime/Swass Foundation For Equality and Inclusion.)

P.S. I'm still thinking about butts.


  1. Thank God they aren't my age and have it double called boobslime. :))))


  2. Hahahahah this is everything.


Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.