I'm Grosser Than Normal and It's Because I'm Knocked Up

I haven't blogged in a couple of months because I am a huge disgusting mess.

Disclaimer:
Let me just start off by saying how grateful I am that I get to have another baby. I know a lot of people who can't get pregnant or have to pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments.

I know it's horribly dumb to be complaining about being pregnant.
But I just feel like the readers of this blog have an exceptionally good sense of humor and forgive me of my pettiness.
Despite my rants, I know I'm lucky and am super grateful for the relentless hell that is pregnancy.


K.
Let's talk some pregnancy trash.


Usually it takes Jared and I a while to get pregnant, so I was surprised that after banging for a month, I was already knocked up.

I thought I had a solid 6 months - 1 year of non-pregnant bliss.

I don't understand the women who love being pregnant.
And I especially hate the girls who look extra glow-y and beautiful for those 9 months.

I am a nasty troll when I'm with child.
My whole body becomes a petri dish of disgusting-ness.

• I vomit like it's my job. 

I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks from throwing up so much. The first 3 months I lost 14 pounds. I looked like a dying sallow-skinned sea turtle.
I carry around Ziploc bags so I can puke on the go.

• My adult acne gets offended by all the extra hormones and brings it's wrath upon my face.

I have always broken out worse during pregnancy, but this time it's amazingly worse. I look like I have Syphilis and I am not amused. I already feel gross from throwing up all the time, I don't need extra zits right now.  

• Pretty much every time I puke, I also pee my pants a little bit.

It's so classy and I love doing the extra laundry.
Some days when I throw up more than usual, I don't even change my pants inbetween pees. I just let it ride because I know I'll be peeing in them again in the next 30 min.

You are probably thinking how I am one of the grossest girls ever, and you would be right. 

• I am nasty in public.

I was at the post office right before Christmas. There was a long line of about 25 people. I was halfway through the line, when I had to whip out my Ziploc bag and puke into it. I wasn't about to lose my place in line so I just vomited/peed in front of everyone, zipped up the throw up, and stayed in line like nothing happened.


I also have to confess that my kids have watched more TV in the last couple of months than they have watched their entire lives, and I don't even care.
I've got more important things to worry about, like doing kegal exercises in a vain attempt to stop peeing my pants.

Oh yeah, I'm due May 3, 2017 it's a girl.
And I know she is going to be the worst thing ever and a total ho, because Karma.

5 Problems I Have At McDonald's Playplace

I would write an intro to this post, but I'm feeling a little rebellious.
Anyway, here are some of the problems I have everytime I take my kids to McDonald's. 


1. Getting kids to eat their food before they play.

When I was a snot-nosed kid and there was an extra special occasion, my parents rewarded us with a trip to McDonald's.
They didn't love us enough to buy us happy meals.
Actually, it probably had more to do with the fact that there were 7 kids in our family and $50 worth of happy meals didn't sound like a fun way of spending money.

We had to eat everything we ordered before we could play.
I thought my parents were such jerk-offs for this.

I swore to my 10 year old self, that I would never be such a jerk-off to my kids. never.

Fast forward 22 years, and I'm sitting here in McDonald's at 6:45pm verbally threatening my children to eat all their food or we will leave without playing and I'm not joking around one bit mister.

Funny thing is, all the other bad mom's here are having the same threat session with their little angels. 
I just made eye contact with one and we nodded to each other in mean mom solidarity.

You know how you make mom friends just by a single look that acknowledges the struggle is real?
Yeah, we did that. And now her and I are BFFs.

I don't know her name and will probs never see her again but we are still best friends.

I rewarded her by taking a creepy picture when she wasn't looking so I can scrapbook it.


2. When a bunch of teenagers come in to play.

I am all for teenagers having their fun. Just not around a bunch of small hyper children.
Someone is going to get hurt. (I can't believe I just typed that.)

Everyone knows: If you have pubes, you can't play on the Playplace.
They obviously didn't read the rules.

These cute girls rolled into the Playplace and chaos ensued.
They were running around and screaming louder than the kids were.
I helped them take a group pic under the condition that I may also take a picture and talk trash about them on my mom-blog.

 
3. Finding used Band-aids.

Remember this?
I still find used band-aids all the time. 

4. Every time a little girl screams I think it's my 5 year old boy.

One time, a shrill scream came from the slide. A dad who was there with his 3 girls got annoyed, yelled out for the screaming to stop.
Right then, Precious little Ryan crawls out of the slide, shrieking, like a girl with huge grin on his face.
 #proudmommy

5. Dirty black feet.

It's filthy there.



I really should just stop taking my kids there.

But we all know I won't, because now McDonald's sells breakfast all day and I regularly make bad parenting decisions.
Oh yeah, McDonald's has free wifi too.

And I like when my hair and clothes smells like fried animal giblets after we leave. <3

A Few Things I'm Mildly Upset About

I was an angry teenager.
Just look at this picture of me when I was 15:

I was probably thinking about killing small animals and how dark I should dye my hair next.
Even my freckles were angry.

As an adult, I'm more mature. I'm classier.
Now I try to avoid confrontation by flipping people off when they aren't looking or writing trash about them in my diary.

Dear Diary,
My brother Jake is an A-hole. He never invites me over for dinner.
He makes me soooo mad!!!!
Well, I have to go now, my mom made dinner and is calling me!
<3,
emily



I rarely have the urge to punch people in the crotch anymore.

Don't worry though. I still get plenty angry about some things. It's just that these days I'm a lot more chill. Mostly I get mildly upset.


Here are some things that I'm mildly upset about lately:

• People who do not respect your personal space.

When I am waiting in a line I always stand back to give the person in front of me space because that is what considerate human beings do.
I was waiting in line yesterday at Cafe Rio and some lady behind me stayed so close to me that she practically molested me. My butt was very offended by the constant touching and caressing.
If you are a close stander, you and I can never be friends.

• The current eyebrow trend.

I can't deal with this.
It's weird and it bugs me.
Why would you fade your eyebrows into your skin? I already have a huge space there and I don't need to accentuate it.

BTW, the reason I know I have a large gap between my brows is because years ago I was arguing with a dude and he got mad and pointed it out. Then I couldn't stop laughing and we became friends. 

• Sparkle Jeans.

I want to understand them but I just can't.

• My addiction to stupid Lipsense.

I'm such a lipstick whore and already have 7843 other tubes of lip stuff.
Why do I need a bunch of this brand? Because it's awesome and stays on all day. It makes me happy in ways I can't explain.

But still.
wtf.
No one needs this much lipstick.
Except me, apparently.

I even sell this stuff. I need to settle down. 

• That I bought a slip'n'slide for the chillun' and forgot to let them play on it and now summer is over and they are whining at me.

• People who sneeze extra loud on purpose.

It scares everyone around them. Shut up loud sneezers, you are acting like fools.
I'm looking at you, Grandpa.

• When public places don't have baby changing tables available.

Do you know how hard it is to change a poop diaper while your kid is standing up?
Well, it's really hard and really gross. And sometimes it gets on the floor.

And if any gets on the floor, I will not clean it up, because I am a horrible person, but also to teach that facility a lesson.

• Trump v. Clinton

These two are the nominees? This is what we have to choose between? Is this real life?
I need to go into the woods for a while and sort my feelings out.




Let's take a moment of silence for all the stuff that pisses us off a little bit.

I feel so much better.