3 Kids is Not That Fun

I'm still alive b*tches.


It's been a long time since I've blogged.

 I am a different person now.

A person who is less hopeful.
A person who wears pajamas until 1pm.
A person who looks solemnly outside while placing a gentle hand on the window.
A person who wipes butts 50 times a day.


I am a person with 3 kids.

I had baby #3 at the end of April and joined the worst club in the world.
The Mom of 3 Children Club.
And this Club sucks.


Hey moms with 3 or more kids!!!:

How are you still sane???

Or, more importantly, how do you fake being sane???

Having 3 kids is kind of making me crazy.


I thought 3 kids wouldn't be that big of a deal for me.
I've worked with kids my whole life. I used to BE a kid!
 And child #2 was a breeze, so I figured #3 would be similar.

People were not kidding when they said that 3 kids sucks because you only have two hands. It's incredible how often ALL THREE of my kids need something at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME.

Taking them out in public is akin to getting sucker-punched in the crotch.
It's unbelievably painful and can leave you in tears.

I was at the grocery store yesterday. I was carrying baby #3 in a Baby wrap on my chest, Cryin' Ryan, and T-bag were running around me and the shopping cart. It was a circus.
Then baby #3 started scream-crying. I forgot the pacifier.

She screamed the entire 20 minutes we were there.

I was pissed off but determined to finish shopping. There was no way I was leaving and coming back later.
Have you ever loaded 3 small children into a car?!?!?! It's not fun.

People were staring at us while shaking their heads with a small smile - like they were sending me the message, "Good for you, taking your feral children to the store.... your doing the best you can <3."


Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you the good news!

Just kidding, I'm not pregnant. It's just Taco Bell and residual baby weight.

My kids are lucky I adore them because they really suck my will. And ultimately, who else can I talk to at 6am about how many bullets I think it would take to kill a dinosaur?


And you know what? Even though having 3 kids is kicking my butt, I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to mom my butt off - and I will be the mommiest mom ever.

A Few Things I'm Mildly Upset About

I was an angry teenager.
Just look at this picture of me when I was 15:

I was probably thinking about killing small animals and how dark I should dye my hair next.
Even my freckles were angry.

As an adult, I'm more mature. I'm classier.
Now I try to avoid confrontation by flipping people off when they aren't looking or writing trash about them in my diary.

Dear Diary,
My brother Jake is an A-hole. He never invites me over for dinner.
He makes me soooo mad!!!!
Well, I have to go now, my mom made dinner and is calling me!
<3,
emily



I rarely have the urge to punch people in the crotch anymore.

Don't worry though. I still get plenty angry about some things. It's just that these days I'm a lot more chill. Mostly I get mildly upset.


Here are some things that I'm mildly upset about lately:

• People who do not respect your personal space.

When I am waiting in a line I always stand back to give the person in front of me space because that is what considerate human beings do.
I was waiting in line yesterday at Cafe Rio and some lady behind me stayed so close to me that she practically molested me. My butt was very offended by the constant touching and caressing.
If you are a close stander, you and I can never be friends.

• The current eyebrow trend.

I can't deal with this.
It's weird and it bugs me.
Why would you fade your eyebrows into your skin? I already have a huge space there and I don't need to accentuate it.

BTW, the reason I know I have a large gap between my brows is because years ago I was arguing with a dude and he got mad and pointed it out. Then I couldn't stop laughing and we became friends. 

• Sparkle Jeans.

I want to understand them but I just can't.

• My addiction to stupid Lipsense.

I'm such a lipstick whore and already have 7843 other tubes of lip stuff.
Why do I need a bunch of this brand? Because it's awesome and stays on all day. It makes me happy in ways I can't explain.

But still.
wtf.
No one needs this much lipstick.
Except me, apparently.

I even sell this stuff. I need to settle down. 

• That I bought a slip'n'slide for the chillun' and forgot to let them play on it and now summer is over and they are whining at me.

• People who sneeze extra loud on purpose.

It scares everyone around them. Shut up loud sneezers, you are acting like fools.
I'm looking at you, Grandpa.

• When public places don't have baby changing tables available.

Do you know how hard it is to change a poop diaper while your kid is standing up?
Well, it's really hard and really gross. And sometimes it gets on the floor.

And if any gets on the floor, I will not clean it up, because I am a horrible person, but also to teach that facility a lesson.

• Trump v. Clinton

These two are the nominees? This is what we have to choose between? Is this real life?
I need to go into the woods for a while and sort my feelings out.




Let's take a moment of silence for all the stuff that pisses us off a little bit.

I feel so much better. 

Crime and Punishment part I

I think a new social contract is in order.

crime: an ugly girl wears slutty clothes in public
punishment: she must clean up litter along the highway for littering our minds

crime: pretty girl wears slutty clothes in public
punishment: any guys should be able to stare at her junk all they want and pretty girl can't act offended

c: leaving a log in a public toilet
p: offender must fish it out with bare hand and admit the loaf was theirs. (Why do people do this? Flushing is not that big of hassle...)

c: guys in the gym who lifting their shirt and scratching their stomach because they think everyone wants to see their abs
p: punch in the crotch.

c: answering all the Professor's questions in class
p: karate chop to the throat.

c: parking your basket in the middle of a grocery store isle
p: whoever you blocked gets to kick over either you or your cart, their choice.

c: leaving your whiny kids in the car while you shop
p: an awesome award.

c: talking on your phone, giggling like a drunk girl, or tapping on anything in the library
p: kicked out and a punch in the crotch.

c: driving like a moron
p: punch in the crotch.


Looking at this, I think that more often than not, punching all offenders in the crotch is the answer to all societies problems.... If I knew that next time I drove like an idiot I would get a crotch punch, I would defiantly think twice about it.

Dr. Laura would be proud. :(