I Saw Another Man's Penis
Who: Me and a 20-something year old with problems
What: A flashing of his manhood
When: Fall Semester 2005
Where: All alone on Trax
Why: I wish I knew
My driver's license was suspended again (more on my shady driving record later) and I was forced to ride Salt Lake City's public transit system, Trax. I was catching a ride on my way home from the University of Utah when a young pervert joined me in the otherwise empty train. He looked normal enough. I thought it was a little weird that he sat directly across from me, but I just continued fishing around in my backpack for my Walkman (I was not cool enough for an Ipod.) You know how you can sense if someone is staring at you? Well, I did. I looked up and saw his penis hanging out of his zipper... balls and all. I quickly looked back down. I was sure I was imagining it. I had to be, people just don't squish their peens out the zipper hole for no reason.... right? WRONG! I am no peniologist. I had to look back up and make sure my eyes were not playing tricks. Sure enough, Herbert (the pervert) had his package cradled in his lap and on display. He began playing with it. Nasty, Nasty, Nasty.... but my head wouldn't look away. I kept trying to but my head could not wrap around the fact that some dude made a special trip on Trax just to show me his twinkles. I am sure my face was showing a mix of unbelief and horror. With my eyes on his semi-boner I began to feel enraged. I blindly reached around for my pepper spray with full intentions of squirting him square in the urethra. He must have sensed the danger. He jumped up and out of the train and ran down an alley with his testicles flapping in the wind. I still couldn't believe it. I was glad him and his wiener were gone, but also sad that I didn't get to pepper spray it. I thought of reporting him to the police. A public masturbater has no right to be running around SLC showing himself to girls. As I imagined how the phone call would go:
911: Hello, this is 911 how can I help you.
emily: (voice shaky and scared) I just saw a penis
911: You just saw what?
911: Prank calling 911 is a misdemeanor.
emily: but he had a boner!
911: Mam' I think you better lay off the drugs for awhile....
I didn't call. But I did decide to keep my pepper spray in the easy access front pocket of my bag. Considering my luck, I am sure I will be in a similar situation at some point, and I will not jeopardize my chances of spraying someone's privates ever again.
P.S. Thank you so much for all your comments here and on facebook! I love reading them and I am glad you find my blog worthy of being read making you laugh.... at least some good comes from all this messed up stuff!