Menage a` Carrots

Our house came with two grow boxes. Soil and irrigation was already set up. I felt like it would be a shame to not plant something.

I had never planted a garden before but I did watch an episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy so I had the general idea.
 
Ryan and I skipped to Walmart to buy the cheapest seeds we could find.
I made sure they were NOT ORGANIC since I hate that crap.

I made Ryan plant everything since I am a firm believer in child slave labor.

I felt the need to use fertilizer, weed killer, and pesticide just so I wouldn't be contributing to the organic lifestyle.

Surprisingly, everything started growing.

This is where it gets a little embarrassing.

My Facebook feed is often filled with pictures of how awesome other people's lives are.
I was a little proud that I actually grew something, so my dumb-a decided to post a picture of my vegetables with the caption "First Harvest!" like I was a pro at gardening and this was just another day in the life of a productive, healthy-eating parent/liar.

I should have captioned it "Holy Crap! Idiots can grow plants!!!"

Once I had accomplished my goal of growing stuff, my adult ADHD quickly led me to lose all interest.

I had bought some small watermelon sprouts since our seeds weren't growing. Instead of planting them I just let them die.

 

I quit watering everything for a while so all the peas died.

Pumpkins took over an entire grow box and are starting to dominate the other one.

Our neglected carrots got lonely and had an orgy. Which is fine because they are adults and can make their own decisions.

I was going to be healthy and eat the carrots, but they reminded me of Cheetos so I ate those instead.


At least I can cross making a salad from food I grew off my life's to do list.
Next year I plan on using the grow boxes as Baby Tyler's potty training litter box as that seems more practical.

San Francisco

A couple of months ago my parents flew out and met us in San Francisco.

 I was secretly giddy because PIXAR studios are there and in my next life I am sure I will be an animator (NOT a prostitute, as my brother would have you think).

This picture illustrates my need for serious butt exercise, as I am clearly on my way to a "mom butt". 

On the other hand, my boobies are looking awesome! Too bad it's 90% Victoria's Secret and only 10% me. 

My mom and Cryin Ryan on a boat tour. Ryan did not behave himself. 

My sister Rachel came with us after visiting me in Camarillo for a week. We caused an impressive amount of trouble. 

While eating in Chinatown, the only thing Pee-toddler wanted to do was stick grapes on his chopsticks, and shove them in his nose.

Way to celebrate other cultures....

THE WINCHESTER HOUSE!!! I have been wanting to go here since I saw a creepy documentary on the history channel. I even wrote it down of my life's To Do List. 

 It is awesome and totally worth the money my dad paid for us to go. 

We didn't get to go on the cool basement tour because once again, Pee-baby is too young and ruins everything. Instead we played near a small fountain in front of the house, which totally made up for it........NOT.

AWWWWW! My parents are so rad. 

Private Waxing

I have been considering waxing my private places for a few years.
I hate hair and shave everything from the neck down anyway.
Everyone I know that has waxed their nether-regions raves about the benefits of having a smooth chotch.

• easy wiping
• no strays showing up when you are wearing your swimsuit
• you can run faster

I was at Sephora a few weeks ago looking for something cool to waste money on.

I saw this:

Perfect.

I brought it home and set it on my bathroom counter.
I stared at it for a solid ten minutes trying to work up the courage to battle my overgrown forest.

It took a lot of creative thinking on my part. I had to get into some pretty advanced yoga moves to make sure everything was taken care of.

I was expecting an unbelievable amount of pain, but was pleasantly surprised when the pain level was only a 9.8937 out of 10.  (10 being the worst.)

Would I do it again?

Yes, especially because I have 1/2 of the wax left and I wouldn't feel right about throwing it away.



P.S. I can totally run faster now.

$500 and Pee Stains

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I hate that phrase but seriously...

OMG!

Victoria's Secret sometimes issues incentive cards with your purchase. They are only valid for the following month. I got mine in March ergo, I could only use it April 1-30. The cards have a surprise amount of store credit, but you have to go back to the store to find out how much it's worth. They have at least $10 and up to $500.

Since April 30 was the last day you could use the incentive cards. I went in a grabbed a $10 lotion knowing the card had at least $10 on it.

The sales girl swiped the card and her jaw dropped.

$500 dollars was on the gift card!!! OMG!

I peed my pants more that I did at the trampoline park a few weeks ago!

I had to spend it all as April 30 was the last day it would be valid.

 My receipt was longer than the pee stains down my pants!

I assume this is the universe telling me:

A. I need to wear hotter pajamas

B. The Bombshell bra is not for amateurs
C. God wants me to have more lip gloss and lotion


Now I can cross "win something awesome" off my life's to do list. 

I went home and tested some of my new lingerie for my husband.

Afterwards, I heard something at the foot of the bed and found this little pervert:

Chucky the voyeur.

I have had a crap-eating grin on my face for the last 2 days. (Not because my cat watched me bang my husband, but because I won $500.)

 Looks like someone has been earning some good karma lately....I even got out of jury duty yesterday.

OMG! amen.

Bumpin Uglies

What I'm about to expose you to may change your life, and not necessarily for the better.

If there is one thing I'm amazing at (outside the bedroom) it's drawing nasty, nasty pictures.

My nerdy brother, Matthew, or as I like to call him, Beaster, is a computer programmer. He is pretty ugly so it's a good thing he's smart. Beaster and I have been working on this app for months. He has been programming while I've been busy thinking up filthy things and drawing them. Some of the characters are so fowl I can smell them.

Who would have guessed that my seemingly useless talent would land me a position as Creative Director for one of the most messed up iphone applications to date? Finally I can cross getting paid to draw dirty pictures off my life's to do list.


Enter BUMPIN UGLIES. This is the website.
Check out the preview and download it here.
You get to customize your own uglies then trade them with your friends and/or enemies.

Let's all take a moment of silence to contemplate the beauty of my artwork...........

This is an open invitation to bump my ugly so you better download it if you have an ipod, iphone or ipad. If you don't I will take it as a personal insult that you refuse to bump uglies with me and repercussions are sure to follow. I will send you hate email.

PLUS if enough people download it the investors will buy me an iphone. I am desperately uncool and would be so much more popular/pretty/cool at church if I had one.

Join our facebook page too.
Also, check out this lame video about it on youtube.

Let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions that would make the game better.

Battle Royale

Final Showdown!

My 8 months pregnant belly button V. My cat's butthole





Notice, if you will, the uncanny resemblance.

Which is grosser? I cannot decide.

Poor Chucky. He only scratched me twice when I pinned him down and took the picture. He was mad at me for like, 2 hours afterwards. I felt like a molester.
At least now I can scratch "take close up picture of something's butt" off of my life's to do list.

I Saw Another Man's Penis

Who: Me and a 20-something year old with problems
What: A flashing of his manhood
When: Fall Semester 2005
Where: All alone on Trax
Why: I wish I knew

My driver's license was suspended again (more on my shady driving record later) and I was forced to ride Salt Lake City's public transit system, Trax. I was catching a ride on my way home from the University of Utah when a young pervert joined me in the otherwise empty train. He looked normal enough. I thought it was a little weird that he sat directly across from me, but I just continued fishing around in my backpack for my Walkman (I was not cool enough for an Ipod.) You know how you can sense if someone is staring at you? Well, I did. I looked up and saw his penis hanging out of his zipper... balls and all. I quickly looked back down. I was sure I was imagining it. I had to be, people just don't squish their peens out the zipper hole for no reason.... right? WRONG! I am no peniologist. I had to look back up and make sure my eyes were not playing tricks. Sure enough, Herbert (the pervert) had his package cradled in his lap and on display. He began playing with it. Nasty, Nasty, Nasty.... but my head wouldn't look away. I kept trying to but my head could not wrap around the fact that some dude made a special trip on Trax just to show me his twinkles. I am sure my face was showing a mix of unbelief and horror. With my eyes on his semi-boner I began to feel enraged. I blindly reached around for my pepper spray with full intentions of squirting him square in the urethra. He must have sensed the danger. He jumped up and out of the train and ran down an alley with his testicles flapping in the wind. I still couldn't believe it. I was glad him and his wiener were gone, but also sad that I didn't get to pepper spray it. I thought of reporting him to the police. A public masturbater has no right to be running around SLC showing himself to girls. As I imagined how the phone call would go:

911: Hello, this is 911 how can I help you.
emily: (voice shaky and scared) I just saw a penis
911: You just saw what?
emily: p-p-p-penis!
911: Prank calling 911 is a misdemeanor.
emily: but he had a boner!
911: Mam' I think you better lay off the drugs for awhile....

I didn't call. But I did decide to keep my pepper spray in the easy access front pocket of my bag. Considering my luck, I am sure I will be in a similar situation at some point, and I will not jeopardize my chances of spraying someone's privates ever again.


P.S. Thank you so much for all your comments here and on facebook! I love reading them and I am glad you find my blog worthy of being read making you laugh.... at least some good comes from all this messed up stuff!