Meet Dane

I am an idiot.
We have a basement with a walk out entrance, perfect for renting. The only problem is that it looks like a rapist's lair. After weeks on craigslist, someone finally showed some interest. I was so stoked that someone would actually want to live there, that I didn't do any credit or reference checks.

Meet Dane.

At least I was smart enough to make him sign a strong month-to-month contract and demand a hefty security deposit.
During the first few weeks he was a good enough tenant. His creepy looking friends only came in and out in the middle of the night. His 3 year old son went MIA (missing in action), I assumed he was at his grandma's house. He also kept his drunken parties at a reasonable noise level.
Then he got comfortable.

1. He smuggled in his PIT BULL. The contract specifically stated that no animals were allowed. I decided to play it cool and save my nagging for something more significant.

2. His friends started coming in and out all day and night, even when Dane wasn't there. Our neighbors thought we were kingpins in a lucrative drug trade.

3. He started smoking inside.... then denied it. I am pretty dumb, but not that dumb. I know smoke that smells like cigarettes coming through my vents is probably because someone is smoking.

4. His clinically insane father moved in
(really. He's been diagnosed and is on all sorts of meds.) He said he was just spending the night..... every night. He was one of the most creepy men I have ever seen. He looked like he avoided showers like I avoid rape. And he didn't walk, he waddled. He also has a pedosmile (pedophile-smile).

5. While mowing the lawn I picked up a garbage bag full of his dogs feces. I graciously placed them on his front porch.

6. Scattered throughout my lawn along with dog poop, were cigarette butts. EVERYWHERE. Even in my rosebushes. For some one who said they don't smoke, he smoked a lot.

7. He started using my carport as a storage facility. Though I have White Trash tendencies, storing dining room sets and bags of garbage in the front yard is not one of them. Him and his posse regularly littered our yard with trash.

Dear Dane has since been evicted for non-payment of rent. He owed over $1500, but sadly, only taped $500 to my screen door along with a sad note about why he didn't pay the rest. I had no sympathy.

(Jeried Schoot is actually spelled: Jared Scott.)

Today I found snickers and baby ruth candy bar wrappers under a bush. Thank you Dane. You have turned my yard work into a treasure hunt. Thank you.

and amen.


  1. I think this one officially needs to be added to the favorites list! Laughed my butt off. My favorite part is "Jeried Schoot". Bahaha


Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.