A Post That Is Not About Anything That Gross

I have had more than a few people ask me how I stay fit. Actually it's more like, "Why are you so skinny? I bet you eat whatever you want and not gain a ounce....wahhh! wahhh!" The truth is I work out hard and eat relatively healthy. I have my fat days, but I hate them so much I take steps to ensure there are fewer of them. Here are a few tips that really help me maintain level of fitness:

• I do at least 100 crunches every day. This may seem a little daunting but you can do it while your watching t.v., reading or microwaving a corn dog. Start out by doing 5 sets of 20 repetitions.

• If you are trying to lose a few pounds, weigh yourself every day. I gained about 10 or 15 pounds a couple of years ago and didn't even realized it until my boobs were actually filling up my bra. Confused, I stepped on the scale and discovered my gain. I kept a log of my weight every day. Just being aware of what my body was doing made it easier to reach my goals.

• I don't deprive myself. If I want candy or ice cream etc. I will eat a bowl of cereal, a granola bar or an apple before. Eating something healthy before helps me to not eat as much of the good stuff. I am not a believer in deprivation. I think if you cut out yummy food cold turkey, you are bound to binge on it at some point. And then when the person you live with finds empty ice cream buckets in the garbage you feel like a dirty little cheater (just like I did when I was caught eating cake batter right before we moved.)

• I have healthy snacks available all the time. It is too easy to eat bad if you are always in a hurry. I have a ton of fruits and vegetables ready in my refrigerator to grab and go. I prepare them and package them in Tupperware or in Ziploc bags so that I can throw a few in my purse as I race to work or school. I have a huge box of granola bars in my car too.

Good snacks for busy or late people:

yogurt
baby carrots
broccoli
bell peppers (I usually throw a mix of vegetables into each individual bag.)
granola bars or Nutri-grain bars
apples
peaches
string cheese

(I usually just stock up with whatever is on sale that week.)

• I only drink water. If I am going to waste 250 calories on something, it is not going to be on soda. Juice is fine every once and a while but you have to be aware of the sugar content. I keep a box of water bottles in my trunk so I have some if I forget my glass bottle. Drinking a ton of water also helps my angry adult acne from reeking havoc on my face.
  

• I do some kind of cardio at least twice a week. Nothing trims my body down as good as a run or walk through the neighborhood. If your neighborhood has creepy and/or rapey looking people like my does, you can go during daylight hours or with a friend. (I feel too weird when I jog with a handgun or taser.)

• I also motivate myself by buying episodes of The Girls Next Door to watch on my iPod while I use the treadmill at 24 hour fitness. The anticipation of seeing what girl is going to pretend to love Hugh Hefner more has motivated me to run many times. I am only allowed to watch them if I am on a treadmill. Rewards are the best, buy your self a new pair of gym shorts or a tank top every once and a while.

• I clean the house often and do copious amounts of yard work. Working out while being productive is a beautiful thing.

You too can look as hot as this chick!


Amen.






P.S. I caught a baby lizard in my bedroom yesterday. I put it in a Tupperware dish and took it with me on all my errands. The girls at the bank were a little grossed out though. I saved it to show Jared, then felt bad for the little guy and let him go.

Squirrel Mowing

Ohio brought many adventures, among my favorites is the lawn mower. You see, through a wild chain of connections Jared and I were able to finagle a deal to mow the empty lots of an upscale housing development. The neighborhood was just beginning development so while the streets and sidewalks were paved, the lots (where the houses were to be built) were covered with newly laid sod. Jared and I bought a commercial grade lawn mower that cost more than my car. We were paid handsomely for the weekly mowing and paid the mower off in 3 months. In time, we ended up purchasing a commercial grade push mower and trimmer. Once a week Jared and I suited up in trucker hats, wife beaters, pink bikini tops, and jean shorts to manicure Sweet Water Development's 10 acres of grass.


I like to call this picture, White Trash in the Summertime. I keep things classy.


I do not have the cleanest driving record..... in fact, I was just in an accident where some guy totaled my 3 week old, 2009 Honda Fit (insert tears). With Jared doing all the trimming I was left with the mower. I happily accepted my new task. I strapped on a pink bikini top hoping to get a tan and hooked up to my iPod. For 5 hours every week I did my best to make Dayton's landscape a little better. Zig-zag, heart, and star shaped patterns were common on lots 3-9. Jared did not appreciate my designs as they took 3 times as long. He also cringed every time I ran over big rocks. This only happened like 5 or 6 times a mowing. I thought that was a pretty low number considering all the rocks that were present. My underestimation of the mower blade clearance caused more problems than just shooting rocks everywhere.
Squirrels are usually skittish and when I approached one on the mower I assumed that he would run. Squirrel road kill is bad enough, but chopped up squirrel guts spraying out the side of your vehicle is a foul, foul experience.

Keep in mind that this is Ohio we are talking about. There was a man-made lake in the middle of all of this. Ohio is lush and green. Some of the prettiest parts of the US are in that area. I loved being outside. But the summers are hot, humid, and angry. I had to stay hydrated and became embarrassingly good at going "number one" behind the trees.

We sold the mower before we moved to California. I sadly kissed it goodbye. Mowing the lawn here in CA is much different. My lawn is only green beneath the trees that shade it. The rest of the grass is dying and crunchy. I still mow it though. And luckily we have a fence so my neighbors aren't creeped out by my pink bikini and hiking boots. amen.

Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit

Sometimes I may be grumpy in the morning. I am usually sweeter than peaches and cream, but this is only after a full nights rest. Every morning sweet dreams fill my head. They usually consist of strangling the chirping birds and smashing their eggs for waking me up.

Being married to someone who loves to see the sunrise has been somewhat problematic during our last four years together. Not only does Jared love the early mornings, he loves to be especially annoying. He is super cheerful and energetic from the hours of 5 am to 9 am. Because I am not, when he is bored at church Jared usually draws pictures like these:
I am often bribed by the promise of french toast, omelets and homemade coffee cake to get up early and keep him company. I usually turn the bribes down, but not last Saturday.

Jared's Grandparents live up the hill from us. We eat out every once and a while with them and this morning was extra enticing. Grandpa Jim called Jared and asked if he wanted to come to McDonald's to get some breakfast. You all know how much Jared and I love free stuff, so Jared jumped at the chance for some grossly unhealthy breakfast food. While I was sleeping, Jared woke me up to ask if I wanted anything from the greasy eating establishment. I told him I would defiantly wake up for a Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit. He drove off and I went back to sleep with thoughts of re-heated bacon and cheese grease clogging up my arteries. By the time Jared was home I had drooled all over myself.
That's when the bad news came. Jared had only brought home a Sausage McMuffin. This nasty little sandwich looked like it was as old as I am. It was floppy and luke-warm.

I have never been so disappointed in my life.

I was like Christmas morning came and all I got was a floppy sandwich. I felt like punching something. So I looked the McMuffin square in the muff and punched it against the counter. I went to the cupboard to get something else to eat. All I found was nasty granola and flax seed cereal. How am I supposed to satiate my need for pure fat and grease with Kashi health food?
I was so angry that I had woken up for nothing. As I continued stomping around the house and giving dirty looks to all the healthy food, my favorite brother Jake called.

His wife was in labor! Yay! I could not wait for him to be a dad. His child rearing style is going to be more entertaining than Lethal Weapon II.
After this good news I was nice and sweet again. I sincerely apologized to the McMuffin for the punch, laid it to rest in the trash can, and happily ate a bowl of mint cookie ice cream instead.

Amen.