C is for Confidence

How cool would it be if we all felt like this:

It's really weird because I say the exact same thing every morning. 

Not really. 

It sometimes seems that children are more able to love themselves than we miserable adults are. 
I run a little program at the Boys and Girls Club called Smartgirls. We focus on self-esteem and making smart choices.

One of the staff had the girls  make banners about themselves and they turned out better than I thought they would. (Especially since this is the same group of girls that had this discussion.)

This girl was 10 years old:

I am a proud girl. I will

never ever give up even though

people make fun of me. I believe 

in myself. I've been bullied but I DONT

CARE. I am a believer. 

I will stand up for myself and NEVER

EVER GIVE UP!

P.S. I dont like my hair.

Just another example of why I think kids represent everything that is good and beautiful in this world.

Now if only this girl could carry this confidence through her teenage years.....

 
While the girls were writing their inspirational convictions, the boys were wandering the halls causing trouble. Typical.

Today, I think I will meditate on how awesome I am. amen. 

Pee + Poo = The Zoo

I spent yesterday at the Santa Barbara Zoo with the Boys and Girls Club. 

This was awesome for 3 reasons:

1. Cryin Ryan came with me.
2. I got to walk around the entire day with my smart-a$$ friend/boss Lisa and make fun of everything.
3. All the kids were cute, happy and funny. As always.

Every time I asked the kids if they were having fun they would reply with wide eyes and big smiles.

• "I saw the elephant poop! I was a BIG poop!"
• "The gorilla pooped! Right in front of us!"
• "I saw the animals privates!"
• "The giraffe peed!"
• "The vultures neck looks like a penis!"

Wait... Lisa said the last one, not the kids.

Why is the highlight of everyone's day at the zoo ALWAYS involve animals peeing, pooping and/or flashing?

Check out these cinematic masterpieces:

(Pay special attention to how happy the people in the background are. You know that was the best part of their day.)

You know this dude had to have an awkward conversation with his kid on the way home:

I think in the future when we have to give Cryin Ryan the sex talk.... we'll just take him to the zoo. amen.

Chickens and Goats

I planned a field trip for the third graders at the Boys and Girls Club.

My boss and I both drove huge vans full of giddy, pants-peeing kids to:

The Painted Pony Farm in Ojai.  

 

 Jared and Cryin' Ryan tagged along. 

 Everyone got to hold bunnies and chicks. 

 Ryan made out with a chicken then tried to tear it's beak off.

 

All the kids also got to milk a goat. My boss tried it after I reminded him about the bragging rights that come with being able to milk things. He had a disgusted look on his face the entire milking. 

I guess he's not that comfortable around goat nips.

Then Farmer Steve let the kids feed the goats. Ryan always gets excited around animals. He loves them. Like, seriously LOVES them. He tried to lick this goat: 

The best part about this field trip was this kid getting pooped on by a chicken:

Why yes, that IS a poop shaped like a wiener, thanks for asking. 

The other staff and I just stood there laughing. My boss was nice enough to help a kid out. 

Right after the poor kid was turded on, Pee-baby sneezed boogers all over his arm.

 Then we looked at a pig.

amen.

Eating Sperm

Smartgirls @ the Boys and Girls Club.

Every Friday at 4:00pm.

We were discussing "Honesty".......and out of nowhere.....

a fourth grade girl (10 years old) raised her hand in the middle of the class.

She asks, "What is Sperm?" (Sidenote: Is Sperm capitalized or not? A person is a proper noun and since sperm can become a person does that qualify it for capitalization? In my book, yes.)

My jaw drops. 

Sperm Girl: You said we can ask whatever questions we want.

Knows-way-too-much Girl: I know what it is!

Miss Emily: Alright... enlighten us.

KWTM Girl: ok. so the boy does this to his thing (she was totally making the jerk-off gesture with her hands) and then a white stuff comes out..... oh yeah, and it"s safe to eat.

My jaw drops further.

Miss Emily: who told you that?

KWTM Girl: My older sister

Sperm Girl: Is that true Miss Emily?

Miss Emily: um....yes. 

Sperm Girl: You can really eat it?

Miss Emily: well...um....you probably shouldn't.

And then we finished our talk about honesty. amen.

Guilty-Kid

I was in the office minding my own business, when a staff member came in and told me we had "a situation".

He was laughing so hard I could barely understand him.

Then one of the kids waddled in with a guilty look on his face.
He looked like he was smuggling a burrito in the back of his pants.
Instantly the office smelled like a racoons had died and rotted in the corner. There was a huge dump in his little kid pants.

I eyed the kid suspiciously.
I asked "Do I need to call your mom?"
He nodded yes.



The following conversation took place:

Me: Hi, It's Emily  from the Boys and Girls Club. Is this guilty-kid's mom?

Kid's Mom: yes.

Me: Um... guilty-kid needs to be picked up.

Kid's Mom: I get off work in 1 1/2 hours...

Me: Nope. He needs to picked up now.

Kid's Mom: Why?

Me: He had an ummmmmm.... accident.

Kid's Mom: What accident?

Me: In his pants....

Kid's Mom: Oh! He peed his pants.

Me: Nope. He number two'ed his pants. 

Kid's Mom: I'll be right there.

AWKWARD. 
The whole time I was thinking: MUST. NOT. LAUGH.

I asked guilty-kid if he wanted to go to the bathroom and clean up.
He nodded yes. But then he just stood there. waiting. for me to come help him.

"This is something you're going to have to do by yourself.... I'm not allowed in the boy's bathroom."

He still did not move.

"Go." I pointed to the bathroom.

Then he waddled bow-legged out of the office leaving a fowl stink in his wake. I sprayed fabreze.

I am thinking about ordering a box of these hats to keep in the BGC office. Is that crossing the line?

The Tattletale Book

One of the staff at the Boys and Girls Club has an interesting way to pacify tattletales.

 Behold the Tattletale Book:

The first graders are notorious tattletales. So instead of fielding whiners all day, she has them write their complaints in the book. It is one of the best things ever.

Here we see the inner stuggles of the first graders.

 He was winee becus i seb thet i am not his frenb

 Anthony is said somethig bad to jaime bye have a good da

Fabion kicked me in the face u laitlle 

Anthony pook me on the eye

 

Gabrooll sed that Jamy was a cri baby

We can't forget the problem child, Nia.

Nia push Anthonys

Nia was fitien with me

Nia is being minn

 Nia boses us arond

And my personal favorite includes an emotional piece of art.

Sedistn M. Sedistn is eat my (chip)

Sedistn is min

The end.

Dirty Language @ the Boys and Girls Club

This is probably one of the most poignant moments during my tenure at the Boys and Girls Club. 

I had a 6 foot long piece of bright yellow butcher paper, stolen from the teachers supply room. I was running the Peace Builders program and the manual had suggested this activity to reduce bad words and put-downs.

I put the paper on the floor and had the first graders gather around it.

We discussed why we shouldn't say bad words or mean things to other people. 

Then I asked the kids to name some things we shouldn't say. I was going to write them all on the huge paper and then the kids could all help rip it up, symbolizing their resolve to not say mean things.

Miss Emily: What are some things we shouldn't say to each other?

Kid 1: You are not good at soccer.

Kid 2: You look gross.

Kid 3: You suck.

Kid 4: I'm not going to be your friend.

Kid 5: You can't play with us.

Miss Emily: Good job! What else should we write down?

Honest Kid: You shouldn't say, "Mother Fu*ker"

I put my head down to hide my delighted laughter. 

I took a few minutes to compose myself.

Miss Emily: Um, yeah.... we shouldn't say that..... let's not write that one down though...

Kid 3: What's a "Mother Fu*cker"?

(Silence)

Miss Emily: ..........Who wants recess!?!

Meet The Minions

Minion 1: Miss Emily!!!! Did you watch the Kim Kardashian wedding? OMG! Her first dress was my favorite.  

Minion 2: I don't know why she married Kris though..... He's not even that fancy. 

Minion 3: Did You know Lamar really wanted Kim and not Khloe? 

M2: Oh my gosh! Does Khloe know?

M1: I think Kim is soooooo pretty. My mom said I can be her for Halloween!

M3: I'm going to be Snookie! My skin is already tan like hers!

M1: Miss Emily!!!! You could dress Baby Ryan like The Situation!

This is what I walked into yesterday at work. I had barely laid Ryan down in the office before I was ambushed by this nonsense. 

Unfortunately, I knew exactly what they were talking about.

These 2nd graders followed me around all last year. 

I put them to good use. I taught them how to make copies, snatch Gatorade from the teachers lounge and now they know how to feed and burp Cryin Ryan.
They also clean the staff bathroom for me since I cannot concentrate enough to pee when other people's pubes are littering the floor around me.

Hence the name, The Minions. 

And I adore them.

But they have inspired me to not let Ryan watch cable t.v..........

Frank 2.0

After 5 months of being a stay at home mom, I decided I can't hack it. People weren't messing around when they said it was the hardest job ever.

So I got my old job at the Boys and Girls Club back.

I'm only working around 10 hours a week and can come in whenever I want. With Jared's new work schedule, he is home a few weekdays so he can watch Cryin Ryan for the few hours I'm gone.

I can also bring Baby with me if I feel like it. I actually brought him with me the past two days and Cryin Ryan was a little angel. I wish I knew that all Pee-baby needed was constant attention from a swarm of 2nd grade girls and a 19 year-old staff member named LaShawn.

On my first day back I walk into the cafeteria and was mobbed by all the germy little gremlins.

My favorite little boy, Frank poked his over-sized head up out of the masses.

Frankie Poo: Did you have your baby?

Miss Emily: Yes.

FP: Did the doctor cut it out of your stomach?

ME: No.

FP: AAAWWWWW! It came out the nasty way?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ME: Yes Frank, I had my baby the nasty way.

Frank scraped his tongue with his fingernails to get the bad taste out of his mouth.
I smiled.

amen.

Bumpin Uglies

What I'm about to expose you to may change your life, and not necessarily for the better.

If there is one thing I'm amazing at (outside the bedroom) it's drawing nasty, nasty pictures.

My nerdy brother, Matthew, or as I like to call him, Beaster, is a computer programmer. He is pretty ugly so it's a good thing he's smart. Beaster and I have been working on this app for months. He has been programming while I've been busy thinking up filthy things and drawing them. Some of the characters are so fowl I can smell them.

Who would have guessed that my seemingly useless talent would land me a position as Creative Director for one of the most messed up iphone applications to date? Finally I can cross getting paid to draw dirty pictures off my life's to do list.


Enter BUMPIN UGLIES. This is the website.
Check out the preview and download it here.
You get to customize your own uglies then trade them with your friends and/or enemies.

Let's all take a moment of silence to contemplate the beauty of my artwork...........

This is an open invitation to bump my ugly so you better download it if you have an ipod, iphone or ipad. If you don't I will take it as a personal insult that you refuse to bump uglies with me and repercussions are sure to follow. I will send you hate email.

PLUS if enough people download it the investors will buy me an iphone. I am desperately uncool and would be so much more popular/pretty/cool at church if I had one.

Join our facebook page too.
Also, check out this lame video about it on youtube.

Let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions that would make the game better.

Pregnant at the BGClub

Being pregnant at the Boys and Girls Club has been interesting. Most of these kids watch too much T.V. and/or have older brothers and sisters that fill them in on life's mysteries.

Some questions the first graders have recently asked:

Question: What are those red things all over your face? They look a little gross.
Answer: Zits, Jaun. They are zits. Sit down and be quiet.

Q: Are you going to tell your baby to sit down and be quiet when it cries?
A: Actually......Yes

Q: Does milk come out of your boobs?
A: Ask your mom

Q: What if you were going poo and the baby fell out? (obviously asked by FRANK)
A: If you only knew..... ask your mom

Q: Would Jared be mad if the baby came out black? My auntie's baby was black and her boyfriend was really mad.
A: Yes, Jared would be mad.

Q: Why does your belly look like a basketball? Can we play with it during free time?
A: Get your Cheeto hands off my stomach.

Q: What if your baby is annoying like Kristina?
A: Don't ever say that again.

Q: Why do you have an outie bellybutton? Can we put tape on it? It looks like it's always looking at us.
A: It is looking at you...

And how could I forget this gem of a conversation?

Kid: I know how your baby got in there......
Me: No you don't.
Kid: yeah I do.
Me: Fine. How?
Kid: S-E-X.
Me: ........ ask your mom.



My last day of work was yesterday. Bittersweet.
Considering I am 38 weeks pregnant I figured I should gracefully bow out now while I don't have body fluids coming out everywhere. I do not want to field questions about amniotic fluid or colostrum.
amen.

The Puberty Game

At the Boys and Girls club, apart from being the best kindergarten and 1st grade after school program teacher, I am in charge of the SMART GIRLS program.

I was assigned this position specifically because I can say "penis" in front of large groups of kids. Really. The other candidates would only commit to saying "pee-pee".

SMART GIRLS is fundamentally centered around maturation, rape, abuse, drugs and how to choose good friends. Oh yeah, with a little bit of self-esteem thrown in for good measure. I have a teacher's lesson manual to provide guidance.

A few weeks ago the 4th and 5th grade girls and I embarked on Lesson #1: The Puberty Game.

First I had to hand out a printout that looked like this:

The girls had to name and draw arrows to the things that happen to your body during puberty. They got a point for each correct identification.

Then we had a discussion about it.... It went as you would expect:

Me: What happens during puberty?

Girls:
-pubes
-your chi chi's get bigger if youre lucky
-that thing where blood comes out of your thingy
-B.O.
-special feelings about boys
-you grow a mustache
-you have to talk about sex at the boys and girls club
-you might get a baby in your stomach

I explained that babies don't automatically get into your body, you have to try to put them there.
They asked where you got little babies and how to put them in.
I told them that you have to have sex.

Also, at the beginning of the class I told them that if they had any questions they didn't want to ask out loud, they could write them down and I would answer them at the end. The questions all looked like this:



I bluntly told them.

Then the entire class stared at me and pregnant stomach like I was the biggest slut ever.
amen.

My Commitment Problems

This past summer, my commitment to working retail was seriously questioned. I have worked at a few retail locations throughout my college career. They give awesome discounts and I can demand to be scheduled no more than 10 hours a week.

My boss at Joes Jeans, whom I'll call "Kerrie" because that's her name, called my allegiance into serious question.

I asked for the the week of the 4th of July off a month prior to my scheduled trip to Lake Powell. Then I found my name on the schedule.... I went to chat with Kerrie.

Me:I don't understand why I am on the schedule.

K: Well next week is the 4th of July so it's going to be busy and we're getting a huge shipment so you have to stay and help.

Me: Right........ So like I said, I'm going to be in Lake Powell next week..............

K: Mark asked for time off too and he didnt get it off either.

Me: Well Mark is the assistant manager, he is more invested in the store than I am. I barely work ten hours a week and get paid next to nothing. One of the only reasons I work here is because of the flexibility (and amazing discounts, but I didn't say that).

K: Obviously your commitment to Joes Jeans isn't up to the level I thought it was.

Me: Wait.... when exactly did you get the idea that commitment existed between me and my part-time retail job?

K: You can't just not show up for work.

Me: That's why I asked for it off a month ago.

K: Well, you're not allowed to take any time off next week.

Me: You're not my mom.

(I blink and look around the backroom)

Me: I'll let you know how awesome Lake Powell is when I get back.


But she showed me. When I came back my job, along with any devotion or commitment that may have existed, was gone. Now whenever I want a discount I have to bake the other coworkers cookies so they will purchase jeans for me. amen.

I Found a Tooth

Everyday I go to work hoping something awesome will happen. Yesterday it did.

I found a tooth. In the Cafeteria, next to a bag of old brown apple slices. I eyed it suspiciously for about 2 minutes. Then I called out, "OK gross kids.... who's missing a tooth?"

Three kids raised their hands.
All three came up, looked at the tooth in question and said "nope, not mine" or "mine was bigger."

Now there is a Lost and Found box for missing teeth in the Boys and Girls Club Office.

Two Questions:
Why are kids so nasty?
What is wrong with my life?

Titty Twisters

The Boys and Girls Club after school program is not a free for all daycare center. The kids actually have planned activities and supplemental instruction every day.

Each week the different grades are assigned different "enrichment activities". The first graders are doing a program called Peacebuilders.
We were discussing the importance of peace and how our actions can increase or decrease it.
A sample discussion from Monday:

Me: What are things we do that decrease the peace?

Kid 1: pushing other people.

Me: Yes, what else?

Kid 2: not sharing

Kid 3: hitting other people

Awesome Kid: giving girls titty twisters

Me: Wait..... what?

Awesome Kid: titty twisters?

Awesome kid had a serious look on his face. He was not joking around. I looked over at my aide as we both started laughing. I was so proud that 6 year old kids were catching onto to the idea. With tears in my eyes I replied:

Me: Yeah, titty twisters definitely decrease the peace.

Then I made them color because I couldn't stop giggling.

Employment is Overrated

I chose the Boys and Girls Club.
Big Surprise.

I cant get enough of Jared so I obviously chose the schedule that would accommodate the most make-out sessions.
AND I get to wear awful staff t-shirts to work everyday! I can still wear jeans and flip flops..... a fair exchange.

After work I have to come home and disinfect myself because there is kid all over me. ew. Kids are gross.

I have a even more respect for elementary teachers now.

(I don't know who's kid this is, but she's nasty)

But overall, a pretty awesome job.

Decisions with an 8-ball

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A is for Average

My job search has not been going very well. So instead of playing tennis, hiking and visiting my friends newborn babies, I am going to actually send in some resumes to some places.

Looking at my resume is somewhat depressing as it is completely and utterly AVERAGE.

It basically looks like this:

School: Cal State - Typical school - Average degree
GPA: Above average - (But I did go to a state university)
Work Experience - Lame college jobs at ordinary retail locations
Volunteer experience - Ample but average

I also will include a a cover letter, as I am obviously a professional.

To Potential Employer,

I have little experience in the Social Work field but I do have a degree if that means anything to you. I would love a job where I get paid a lot, not only with money but also with emotional reward, so I feel like I am doing something worthwhile in the world (If anyone needs karmic retribution, I do). And I would like to wear whatever I want everyday. I prefer jeans and flip flops.
I don't like to wake up before 8am and want to spend Saturdays with my husband, not at work.

I look forward to hearing from you,
emily


Pretty professional. I know. I should have a real job in no time.

Squirrel Mowing

Ohio brought many adventures, among my favorites is the lawn mower. You see, through a wild chain of connections Jared and I were able to finagle a deal to mow the empty lots of an upscale housing development. The neighborhood was just beginning development so while the streets and sidewalks were paved, the lots (where the houses were to be built) were covered with newly laid sod. Jared and I bought a commercial grade lawn mower that cost more than my car. We were paid handsomely for the weekly mowing and paid the mower off in 3 months. In time, we ended up purchasing a commercial grade push mower and trimmer. Once a week Jared and I suited up in trucker hats, wife beaters, pink bikini tops, and jean shorts to manicure Sweet Water Development's 10 acres of grass.


I like to call this picture, White Trash in the Summertime. I keep things classy.


I do not have the cleanest driving record..... in fact, I was just in an accident where some guy totaled my 3 week old, 2009 Honda Fit (insert tears). With Jared doing all the trimming I was left with the mower. I happily accepted my new task. I strapped on a pink bikini top hoping to get a tan and hooked up to my iPod. For 5 hours every week I did my best to make Dayton's landscape a little better. Zig-zag, heart, and star shaped patterns were common on lots 3-9. Jared did not appreciate my designs as they took 3 times as long. He also cringed every time I ran over big rocks. This only happened like 5 or 6 times a mowing. I thought that was a pretty low number considering all the rocks that were present. My underestimation of the mower blade clearance caused more problems than just shooting rocks everywhere.
Squirrels are usually skittish and when I approached one on the mower I assumed that he would run. Squirrel road kill is bad enough, but chopped up squirrel guts spraying out the side of your vehicle is a foul, foul experience.

Keep in mind that this is Ohio we are talking about. There was a man-made lake in the middle of all of this. Ohio is lush and green. Some of the prettiest parts of the US are in that area. I loved being outside. But the summers are hot, humid, and angry. I had to stay hydrated and became embarrassingly good at going "number one" behind the trees.

We sold the mower before we moved to California. I sadly kissed it goodbye. Mowing the lawn here in CA is much different. My lawn is only green beneath the trees that shade it. The rest of the grass is dying and crunchy. I still mow it though. And luckily we have a fence so my neighbors aren't creeped out by my pink bikini and hiking boots. amen.