Dolphin Dog

While I was wasting away in Ohio, my perpetual boredom inspired me to hone my painting skills.

Jared's dog had just been put to sleep so I decided to paint a tribute to him.

The Irish Setter, Riley, and I, did not get along too well. I hate stinky, big, and hairy things.
He was super hairy and shed all over the place. I would find handfuls of hair everywhere. I was the only one who cared if things were clean so I was always the one gathering all Riley's nastiness. 
Also, Riley smelt awful. Dogs are foul. I don't know how people stand one living in the house. Small dogs are a little more understandable, but large breeds with long hair should be banned to the backyard.

Back to my painting...... I bought a huge expensive canvas and got to work.

3 minutes later I stepped back and looked at my progress:

....don't make fun.....

I quit right then. 

For 5 years, I kept my dolphin/dog in storage. I knew I could use the canvas later. 

With my recent pillow purchase, I needed something new to hang on the fireplace. 

I skipped to one of my favorite stores, Paper Source, and bought a ton of amazing paper. I wrapped the canvas with this and this. 

 

Then I slapped on my $4 map with a healthy helping of modge podge. 

A glued on map is WAY classier than a brown dolphin.

Commandment #11

I've committed a horrible sin.

Yes, I've broken the cardinal rule of all rules. The coup de grace of all mortal blows. The question that can only end up embarrassing both the asker and the recipient.

I asked a chick if she was pregnant.

First Offense
When: 2006
Where: Outback Steakhouse in Dayton, Ohio
Who: Me (the waitress) and an unsuspecting customer
Why: I was young and naive

I swear this 30-something year old chick looked 7 months pregnant. Plus, she and her date were holding hand across the table all night talking about kids. When I handed them the check, I inquired about their impending Due Date.

Me: So, when are you due?
Unsuspecting Chick: um, excuse me?
Me: Uhhhhhh... when are you due (*cough*)
UC: I think I misunderstood you, say it again?
Me: Here's your check.

Then I ran away. I also paid another waiter $5 to go pick up their credit card so I wouldn't have to face the angry couple. I didn't get a tip. Did I learn my lesson??? OF COURSE NOT! I even discussed this last week at a dinner with a group of friends. We all agreed that the question of pregnancy is to be avoided no matter what. A couple days later I did this:

Second Offense
When: 2 Days ago
Where: A store at the mall
Who: The salesgirl
Why: I am a flat out idiot

The sales girl looked knocked up. She was actually wearing a maternity shirt that the store had displayed in the front window. I put it together: maternity shirt + pregnant looking stomach = 100% pregnant. WRONG! I felt like such a jerk-off I stayed and talked to her for 10 minutes about her kids. I even looked at pictures of them and said, "Awwwww! They are precious! Look at all that hair!"
Then I left and Jared called me dumb.

Pregnant or fat? That is the question. And I will never ask it again.

I hereby promise to never ask another human that question ever, ever, ever. May God forgive me. amen.

Touchdown Jesus

This majestic southwestern Ohio landmark was destroyed recently. Touchdown Jesus will no longer be greeting angry people driving along Interstate 75.
Having driven past it 3 times a week during my stay in Dayton, I am slightly disturbed by this information.



I'm pretty sure this was how it happened:

1. Behold approximately $300,000 was given to be spent upon a 64 stone tall likeness of Jesus. And a massive cross was laid beside to give the likeness an added contemporary flair.
2. And they named it Touchdown Jesus.
3. And the drivers were happy as they dwelt in their cars along Interstate 75, momentarily forgiving other drivers abominations as they looked upon Touchdown Jesus.
4. And it came to pass that God wasn't a huge fan of the monument and thought the Solid Rock Church was full of iniquity. Therefore a terrorist attack from heaven was planned. Lightning was sent from the heavens causing the statue to be engulfed in the fiery flames of wrath.
5. And there was great mourning among the Ohioan people. And there was weeping and wailing and sad posts on the peoples blogs.
6. And the church no longer spent their gold and other fine things on useless weird statues. And the Ohioan people were scared to sin. amen.

Squirrel Mowing

Ohio brought many adventures, among my favorites is the lawn mower. You see, through a wild chain of connections Jared and I were able to finagle a deal to mow the empty lots of an upscale housing development. The neighborhood was just beginning development so while the streets and sidewalks were paved, the lots (where the houses were to be built) were covered with newly laid sod. Jared and I bought a commercial grade lawn mower that cost more than my car. We were paid handsomely for the weekly mowing and paid the mower off in 3 months. In time, we ended up purchasing a commercial grade push mower and trimmer. Once a week Jared and I suited up in trucker hats, wife beaters, pink bikini tops, and jean shorts to manicure Sweet Water Development's 10 acres of grass.


I like to call this picture, White Trash in the Summertime. I keep things classy.


I do not have the cleanest driving record..... in fact, I was just in an accident where some guy totaled my 3 week old, 2009 Honda Fit (insert tears). With Jared doing all the trimming I was left with the mower. I happily accepted my new task. I strapped on a pink bikini top hoping to get a tan and hooked up to my iPod. For 5 hours every week I did my best to make Dayton's landscape a little better. Zig-zag, heart, and star shaped patterns were common on lots 3-9. Jared did not appreciate my designs as they took 3 times as long. He also cringed every time I ran over big rocks. This only happened like 5 or 6 times a mowing. I thought that was a pretty low number considering all the rocks that were present. My underestimation of the mower blade clearance caused more problems than just shooting rocks everywhere.
Squirrels are usually skittish and when I approached one on the mower I assumed that he would run. Squirrel road kill is bad enough, but chopped up squirrel guts spraying out the side of your vehicle is a foul, foul experience.

Keep in mind that this is Ohio we are talking about. There was a man-made lake in the middle of all of this. Ohio is lush and green. Some of the prettiest parts of the US are in that area. I loved being outside. But the summers are hot, humid, and angry. I had to stay hydrated and became embarrassingly good at going "number one" behind the trees.

We sold the mower before we moved to California. I sadly kissed it goodbye. Mowing the lawn here in CA is much different. My lawn is only green beneath the trees that shade it. The rest of the grass is dying and crunchy. I still mow it though. And luckily we have a fence so my neighbors aren't creeped out by my pink bikini and hiking boots. amen.

Basement Living Digest

Basements are durable living spaces where a little warmth goes a long way. Other people's basements are a great option if you are unstable newlyweds looking to save some money and travel or if you have kids and are saving up funds for their diapers and college. No matter your situation, basement living could be for you.

When choosing your basement, be sure to acknowledge all options. Relatives and in-law's basements usually offer their space rent free. Though you will feel like horny teenagers when you sneak downstairs for some action, the fact that free food is included evens things out. You may feel obligated to spend some time with your landlord/father-in-law so be sure you get along with them first. When inhabiting an extended relatives space it is best to peek into their medicine cabinet to ensure serious psychological issues are not a problem. Don't worry if they are though! You can always sleep with the lights on.

When moving into your new place be sure that whoever is letting you stay there moves most of your stuff in. You want to make sure they feel included. Feel free to cheer them on while you drink O'douls in your lawn chair. Basements can also be decorated easily with the help of yard sale chandeliers and self painted murals. Homemade flower arrangements also add a classy touch.




While living in Dayton Ohio, my husband and I spent the better part of a year residing in my father-in-law's basement. The basement was an entirely private space. It was not all fun and games but we were able to save some money, travel and be unabashedly selfish. My parents believed that Jared and I were playing video games in the basement or laying by the pool all day while taking vacations sporadically. Though this was not the case we let them believe this for a while - purely for entertainment purposes. Our lack of employment did not include not working. While avoiding conventional employment we were still extremely productive people.

We bought a questionable old house that Jared completely tore down to the 2x4's and rebuilt. That extended our basement stay for a little while, much to disapproval of many people in our lives. The house was just a few streets over from Jared's family. Some out of state siblings (who I am convinced hate us and our our nonchalance towards employment) were appalled that we didn't mind being around our relatives for more than 2 hours at a time, and that we actually wanted to live by them.

(This is obviously the "before" picture of the house... creepy.)

While visiting my parents in SLC Utah we were touring their new house they had designed and built. Walking through their fully loaded basement I commented, "wow, this place would be perfect to spend the next few years of my life." My dad, Brad, was not amused.

Jared and I have always had goals and plans for reaching them. It just so happens that one of our goals was to be bums and not have paying jobs for a little while. After our shenanigans in Ohio more than a few people were surprised when we got real jobs and bought a house in California.

Slowly but surely our families are beginning to believe us when we promise that we will not be in jail or on welfare within the next two years.

Best Beauty Advice Ever

Every once in a while I feel the need to balance out my karma. I do a lot of dumb things and firmly believe that I should equalize my actions by doing good.
In 2008 while living in Ohio I was invited to be a group facilitator for NCCJ (National Conference for Community and Justice). It is basically a non profit organization that gets large groups of teenagers together and teaches them about understanding and respecting all races, cultures, and religions. They also inform them about conflict resolutions and how to promote peace in their schools and communities. It's a pretty amazing idea. This conference was in Dayton, which is an overall sketchy town. There are a lot of people on welfare and crime is everywhere.
I had to go through a 2 day training course in order to be a "certified facilitator." I met a lot a cool people and some that were not cool at all....

Adam ~ A 25 year grocery bagger and and caffeine addict. 6 cups of coffee before 10 am is not a good way to start your day. His bouncing legs moved the table 1 inch per minute while his nervous sideways glaces had me convinced he was hallucinating.

Big J ~ A former drug dealer and now an artist. I was really interested in his work and wanted to see it so I could potentially purchase some. That is until he emailed me thumbnails of his art..... He was willing to sell me his Bob Ross-esque paintings for the low price of $400. Needless to say I passed on this opportunity.

This masterpiece can be yours for the low price of $400

Sharla ~ A blond marathon runner who weighed 87 pounds (note: weight may not be entirely accurate) and gave seductive glances to everyone, including me.

Rhonda ~ A red faced girl who tanned too much. She would only talk about her plans to summit Mt. Everest once she gets out of debt for buying too many purses.

Reggie ~ A good looking guy with almost black skin who was addicted to tattoos. He said he had over a 30 tats. It was a shame you could not see any against his dark skin.

My favorite girl was Shawnda. She was black and she was BEAUTIFUL. She had a striking face and a body that I would kill for. After hanging out with her for a few hours I noticed she had quite a few grey hairs. Then I found out she had a 22 year old son. I could have sworn this girl was 22 or 23! I respectfully asked her how old she was, and she said she was 42...... 42!!!

After the training I HAD to ask her what her secret was. (All good looking, put-together women have one.) I was expecting that she used Creme De La Mer or Botox or some other uber-expensive product. Her skin was flawless and she possessed a serenity that only potheads have.
And what she told me was the best beauty advice I have ever heard:

I don't let bad things get me down. When life gets tough I focus on the good things, I keep my cool and look towards the future. That is probably why I don't have wrinkles... I don't waste time worrying about things I cannot change.

Wow. Way cheaper than the stuff I've been using.

Prayer

As I have mentioned before, I have done my fair share of babysitting and being a nanny. One family in particular made me think that being a mom isn't the worst thing that could happen. It didn't hurt that the little 2 year old girl Amanda, was cuter than an Anthropologie dress.
Steven, the 4 year old man, was one of my favorite little buddies. When watching them for a week while their parents went on a cruise, I had packed my Victoria's Secret Catalogue to look through. He checked it out with me at lunch (not the lingerie section) and told me I was prettier than any of the VS models. From then on I had a special place in my heart for the little liar.
8 year old Marianne is the "perfect child" personified. Not in the annoying way though. She LOVED to read... a girl after my own heart. After the younger two were in bed, she and I would stay up late reading. This caused a little problem. After having to drive her to school after missing the bus for the second time, I was really worried about what her parents would think after finding out about their daughters new tardy record. I explained this to her. She simply said "don't worry! My mom always drops me off late!". Good to know.
I had once made dinner for them, trying to follow their Mom's instructions. I am a bad cook. What was supposed to be Rainbow Macaroni ended looking like Beef a la Vomit. After poking around in the mess placed in front of them, Steven informed me that this didn't really look like what his Mom makes. After a brief pause he then said, "Thanks anyway for trying." Marianne chimed in reassuring me that "even though it looks a little gross, we'll still try to eat it", followed by another "Thanks for trying." Awesome. I know how picky kids can be about food. This is when I realized that being a mom wouldn't suck that bad.
Before moving from Ohio to California I decided to take them all to the Dayton Children's Museum. As we wandered past the mini grocery store and the tiny fire station, I realized that I would probably miss them, which did freak me out a little. Actually a lot. I usually only like kids for about 2-3 hours.

As we approached the American Eagle's enclosure, I was stoked to find that it was feeding time and we were the only people around to watch. I then remembered I was with kids. From my rigorous training as a kid wrangler I know that they sometimes freak out around blood and seeing animals rip each other apart.
Unsure of whether to stay or not, the eagle rushed down and grabbed a chubby white mouse. He landed on a branch right in front of our faces. With the 2 year old in my arms we silently waited for what the eagle would do next. Out of nowhere I hear 4 year old Steven mumbling something. I look over and see his head bowed and arms folded in prayer. Expecting him to be pleading to God for the white mouse's safety I lean closer to decipher his words. Then I hear, "Please Heavenly Father, make the eagle rip the head off the mouse so I can see it's guts.... and make it eat the head too. Amen". God acquiesced and the eagle did just that.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you who raise kids that don't suck.

My introduction to Ohio

I originally intended this blog to be insightful and witty . I then remembered that I am a 24 year old girl living in southern California and cannot deliver either of these things. I am sorry. However, I can provide possibly entertaining stories of the crazy and often embarrassing things that always happen to me.

I recently moved from the heart of the Midwest. Though I grew up on the West Coast, I have lived in Ohio the past two years of my life.
When I arrived in Ohio, I decided to go the local Sam's Club (I'm addicted to shopping in bulk). I needed to pick up tortillas so my husband could cook my dinner. I'll get to my lack of domestic skills later. I searched everywhere but could not find them (the tortillas, not my domestic skills.) I had to ask one of the creepy sample hander-outers where they were.

Me: Excuse me? Can you tell me where the tortillas are? (I did not want to say ma'am or sir because I was not sure what category sample-person fit under.)

Sample-person: Ummmm..... I don't thank we have tortillas here...

Me: You don't have tortillas?

Sample-person: Nope.

Me: (showing her my shopping list with the word tortilla written out) They are for making burritos.... Are you sure you don't have any?

Sample-person: OH!!! TOR-TEAL-AH! they're over on isle 5....