3.12.2013

Little Baby Poop-Hands


I have spent the last few days coming to terms with the fact that Ryan is no longer the precious little pee-baby I once knew.

Four days ago:

He emptied  around 30 sweaters from my closet and rolled around in them. Little pieces of banana and cheerios where embedded in every "hand-wash only" piece of clothing.




Three days ago:

He saw that I had started a bath. I left the room for 4.79 seconds and when I came back, he had jumped in..... completely dressed.




I was about to shower anyway, so I stripped down and joined him. I was sitting in the tub, peeling his clothes off when I smelt pee. 

Oops! I must have forgotten that he loves to pee and probably had at least 1/2 - 1 full cup of urine in his diaper..... Since the diaper was fully submerged in the water all the baby piss was seeping through his diaper into the bath water I was playing in. 

Luckily for me, I remembered reading somewhere that swimming in baby urine is good for the skin.


Two days ago:

Pee-baby showcased his physical dexterity by skillfully climbing out of his crib and waking me up with an evil/proud giggle and a 2-handed slap in the face. Instead of waking up and caring for my child, I put a pillow over my head and let him run wild through the house for an hour. 

When I did drag my listless body out of bed, I was pleased to discover that Pee-Toddler had only eaten 3 entire tubes of chapstick. 

video


Only after I video taped him crawling out did I realize my mistake in encouraging his anti-authority behavior.

Now I have to figure out a new method of caging him up at night.


And finally, yesterday:

I was in the office pretending to work hard when Pee-Toddler came in and tried to crawl on my lap. 
I pushed him off asap because I smelt something foul. 
Ryan was covered in poop.

He had taken off all of his clothes and pinched a huge loaf in his diaper. 


After completing his #2, he stuck his right hand down the back of his diaper, grabbed some soft serve and wiped it onto his belly. With a continuous motion he drug his hand up over his face and onto his hair. 
(Though I was not an actual eye-witness to the poop incident, I am pretty sure this is exactly what happened given the evidence presented.)

 I HATE poop, so no, I didn't take a picture. I was too busy hating my life.

Immediately after I threw Ryan in the bath (yep, the same bath he made pee-soup in a couple day before) I had to go on a hunt for any fece(s) he may have distributed around the house. I didn't find any smears besides the ones on Ryan's body, but for the rest of the day I was suspicious.


I felt betrayed by my own flesh and blood. 

This was just another situation where I was so offended that I am not going to go to church for at least two weeks.

Only someone who loves poop a lot would wipe it in their own hair.
From here on out, I reserve the right to refer to Cryin' Ryan as "Poop-hands" where I see fit.


 seriously you guys, amen.

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAHHHHAAAAA!!!!!!!""
    One word : overalls.
    (Not only can't they get them off, but you can grab him and carry him. Amen.)

    ReplyDelete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.