But just because I have 2 kids, good credit, a mom blog, and take showers semi-regularly doesn't mean I'm not gangsta.
Allow me to present the following argument.
I got a speeding ticket a few months ago and I paid it late so I probably had a warrant out for my arrest for a solid 3 days.
I yell at my kids in public like it ain't no thing.
I drive a 2007 Honda CR-V and it's fresh to death.
I love turning it up in da club. And by club, I mean the Preschool Sports Club at my local rec center.
I will straight up meet you at the flagpole after school and fight you.
I have a bad attitude.
Just look how I dressed up Ryan a few years ago:
I sag my pants. Mostly because my white girl butt doesn't fill them out.
I have an entourage that follows me everywhere. And their names are Ryan and Tyler.
I party HARD. Like tomorrow I am going to a Star Wars birthday party, and the day after that I'm going to another b-day party that promises to have a bounce house.
I am working on a rap album.
I have a ton of B*tch's phone numbers in my phone.
I make inappropriate comments on Facebook when I'm bored.
I own guns! Hidden in a locked safe so my children can't access them. We only take them out for target practice, but I could totally do a drive-by if I needed to protect my homies.
I have an appointment to get a face tattoo.
When my kids ask me if they can stay up later, I sometimes say yes.
I played soccer a lot of my young life, so it's only natural for me to re-live my youth through my offspring.
I signed Ryan up for his first season of co-ed soccer.
Last Saturday, the Herriman Rec Center had this huge soccer team organization day. You met there at a certain time for your age group, met your coach, had a mini-practice, and got your team jersey. We got there about 10 minutes late.
There was 20 different teams practicing all over the field.
On the very end of the field was this team with bubblegum pink uniforms.
I started talking mad trash to Ryan. Because there were 20 other teams I assumed there was a low probability that he was assigned to the pink team.
I told him he was going to be on the pink team and turn into a girl.
I offered to do his makeup and hair before all his soccer games.
I said it was cool if he wanted to start sitting down to pee.
I told him he was going to grow boobs.
Then, of course, we found out he was indeed on the Pink team.
Ryan was pissed off.
Even though the other boys on his team were already wearing their jerseys, Ryan refused to put it on.
After all my trash talking, there was nothing anyone could say to make him OK with his team.
Even the other boys on the team couldn't convince him that pink was cool.
I had to admit to the other parents that I mercilessly teased him on the way there.
Luckily, I had signed Ryan up for the wrong age division, so a short email, and a quick response later, Ryan was on a different team.
We pick up his uniform today and I'm really hoping it's not pink.
And I learned my lesson. I will never tease my kids about soccer uniform colors again.
He pissed me off so bad, I decided to teach him a lesson.
For 4 days I quit being a super-duper housewife.
I made Jared help watch the terror children.
I didn't do dishes, pick up after the kids, vacuum, dust, or do laundry.
And I definitely didn't put out.
I also didn't change the diaper genie sausage because my pettiness knows no bounds.
Then Husband had to go out of town for work and I felt like my point had been made.
I couldn't take the mess anymore. I furiously cleaned the entire house, and felt like my life was right again.
The one thing I didn't clean up was the laundry.
I hadn't done laundry for almost two weeks so there was a huge nightmarish pile of clothes in the mudroom. I never get behind on laundry.
Every time I walked past the pile it seemed to stare into my soul and taunt me.
I wasn't about to let a huge mound of clothes ruin my fun so I just kept ignoring it and went to the park instead.
I was still kind of mad at Jared so when he got back into town I left and took the boys up to my parents house.
When I got home later that night all the laundry was done.
Jared had folded it and put it all away. He even folded my clothes.
I was glad I didn't have to do it, but mad because crap like this makes it really hard to stay angry with him.
Let's be real here.
I'm not a very spiritual person.
I go to church because I think it is good for the community and my kids.
It's good to learn right and wrong, to always be working towards something, and being part of something larger than yourself.
What I do believe in is helping other people.
I am kind of an A-hole sometimes. If you're reading this blog, you're probably a little bit of an A-hole too since only A-holes find this entertaining. :)
That's why I think it's so important that I go out of my way to help people. Not all the time though. Like once a week max.
I believe in balance. And to balance my A-hole-ness, I go out of my way to spread a little love.
I believe God made us and wants us to do more good in the universe than bad.
I want my kids to be gracious and know how lucky and spoiled they are.
I want them to enjoy and know the importance of giving.
I want them to feel good about themselves when they help.
I want them to realize an entire world exists outside of themselves.
And I want them to know that even though I'm kind of a freak, I can also be nice... sometimes.
I think life is so hectic sometimes we feel like we can't help anyone even though when actually we are.
This video illustrates this perfectly.
So, every woman should watch this. Even if your not parenting small children, even if don't go to church, and even if you feel like watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills instead.
Some ways you can practice not being a jerk:
Take your Grandma, Grandpa, or any other person, who likes Taco Bell to lunch.
Write to a prisoner at your local prison, become pen pals, send him money so he can buy cigarettes.
Make cupcakes for someone then let your kids lick the batter off your counter.
Volunteer at your church. We just helped clean our meetinghouse last week! Get there early though so you don't have to clean the bathrooms. If you do get stuck cleaning the bathrooms, quit that church.
Make Dinner for a family going through a hard time. (or if you are like me, go to the grocery store and buy pre-made food then pretend like you made it even though it's in the store's packaging.)
Hand out Sunscreen to homeless people. I used to make those trendy hygiene kits for Ryan to pass out but then I read this blog, The Survival Guide to Homelessness, and figured sunscreen is pretty important if you are outside most of the time. Homeless people get wrinkles too you guys.
Play with your kids. Like, get on the floor, grab a dinosaur, roar, and attack them. They will love it.
My spirit animal Christie had a really cute idea she put on her inappropriate blog. Make cards with your kids and hand them out at an old folks home.
Have your kids donate the toys they don't play with anymore to charity.
Donate books and kids craft stuff to a children's hospital. Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City love this crap. You can just drop it off at the front desk.
Send a picture message to someone of yourself smiling super cute, like my brother Jake did for me. His adorable face brightens my day and restores my faith in humanity.
When someone cuts you off in traffic, try to not flip them off or use the eff word.
When you see someone and think something nice about them, tell them.
I would think of some more stuff you could do but Ryan just yelled, "MOOOOOOMMMM! CAN YOU COME WIPE MY BUTT????"
And yes, I count wiping butts as helping others.
My parents went out of town for Easter so they surprised my terror children with an early Easter egg hunt. They are my best parents ever.
We went to a family Easter egg hunt with my Dad's side of the family. That's one good thing about Utah. Family stuff. And free food.
Ryan is obsessed with my 11 year old cousin Ty.
Ty's sister is my kid's regular babysitter so they play together a lot.
Ty is freaking awesome with him. He plays with him for hours.
Ryan says when he grows up, he only wants to live with Cousin Ty.
I told him it's not socially acceptable in Utah, but if he moved to San Francisco he could find acceptance.
Since I forgot Tyler's 2nd birthday earlier this month, I figured I better put in a little more effort for Easter.
I'm not big on buying my kids a ton of toys for each holiday. I know people who for real spend over a $100 per kid on Easter presents. $100!!!!!!!! On toys!
My cheap A** cannot fathom spending that much.
Let's face it. They are middle-class white kids who live in the suburbs and have more toys than they need.
I don't want to spoil them and I don't want my house looking like Toys R Us, so instead of toys they get random food and whatever candy I've been craving.
They are still stoked Easter morning and I don't have to find storage for more toys they won't play with after 10 minutes. Win.
Last year the Easter Bunny left an awesome treasure hunt for Ryan to find his basket. This year Ryan was hoping there would be another equally awesome treasure hunt.
Before he went to bed he had me write a note and leave out some old flaccid carrots that we found at the back of the fridge.
By the time the kids fell asleep I was feeling pretty un-Eastery.
I wasn't in the mood to make an elaborate treasure hunt, so I just hung up some balloons. Kids like balloons, right?
I also bought them some cereal and some cookies since we needed some snacks around the house anyway. Look how much of my favorite candy is displayed. They had no idea that I was planning on eating a good portion of it. And I did.
I did actually get a couple things just for them. $3 bubbles and a $15 slip and slide. We have a hill in our yard and the slip and slide is going to be magical once it's warm enough to use it. The boys were giddy about both the bubbles and the slide.
See? When you set low expectations, they are happy with anything.
Notice if you will, the lazy sign I made from the Easter bunny making an excuse as to why I didn't hook them up with a treasure hunt.
Ryan understood and wasn't mad about it.
However, he was a bit skeptical of the questionable bunny print/signature I threw on at the end.
I fumbled around trying to make up an excuse as to why the bunny print looked so jacked up. I couldn't think of any plausible excuse so I just changed the subject and offered him a bunch of candy for breakfast.
We did a lot of Easter crafts that day to make up for my lame attempt at being the Easter bunny. The kids were still excited the whole day and loved everything so I guess I still win?
On March 5, my cute little spawn of Satan turned 2 years old.
Too bad I forgot.
My parents called and wanted to come over to drop off a present for him. I was all confused. I thought it was weird they were giving out random presents, but I like free stuff so I just went with it.
About 10 minutes later I realized it was Tyler's birthday.
He's little and doesn't know the difference so I didn't feel bad... But then I felt extra bad for not feeling bad initially.
I knew his birthday was coming, but when the actual day came, it slipped my mind. #motheroftheyear
That weekend we pretended it was his birthday again.
I bought him a couple presents to open.
And we let the boys decorate/destroy the birthday cake.
Tyler loved it.
So far I haven't seen any signs of resentment from him for forgetting his birthday.
I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that when he's a teenager.
Even though Tyler may be a terror child at times, I love, love, love, love, love, love him.
Here's why:
- He never cries when I put him to bed.
- When he wakes up he just hangs out in his crib chillin out until I come get him. Sometimes he might yell "Mam!" or "Ded!" if he hears us walking around.
- He is weirdly happy every time he wakes up.
- He smiles all the time.
- He laughs in my face when I try to discipline him, then I laugh and he gets out of trouble.
- He adores Ryan and tries to do everything with him.
- When it's time to eat, he always gets out 2 dishes. One for him and one for Ryan.
- He loves when Husband comes home from work, Tyler runs at him and yells, "Deddy's home!"
- He likes to give hugs while shrieking, "Huggy!!!"
- His favorite show is Barney, and it's the most annoying thing ever.
- He sings bedtime songs with me every night.
- If Jared, Ryan, or I are ever gone, he gets worried and will constantly ask for the missing person. He needs us all together.
- He cleans up messes he makes. For real. It is awesome.
- He answers his own questions and gives himself permission to do anything - "Mam, jewelry box? ok.", "Cheetos, ok.", "Color on wall? ok."
- He is friendly and often says hi to strangers and gives them hugs. It makes some people really uncomfortable. Don't worry, I carry a knife to shank any would-be kidnappers.
There are a million other reasons I adore him too.
It's still shocking to me how much you can love your kids.
Next year, I'm totally going to remember his birthday. Probably.
