My 3 Year Old Is An Idiot

I've already come to terms with the fact that a part of me will forever be an idiot.
What I can't come to terms with is the fact that my 3 year old is now part of that club.

You're probably thinking, but emily! How can a 3 year old be idiot?!
 .... Easily.

I think all of us mothers can agree that pretty much all 3 year olds are not that smart.
Sometimes I think Tyler may be slightly dumber than his peers.

I present the following arguments:

• T-Bag was playing with a toy gun at Cabela's and hit himself in the face resulting in a dent in his forehead.

• He stupidly picked up this dead bird with his bare hands, then picked his nose and ate his booger. That idiot probably caught some bird disease. I had to teach him how to play with dead things with a stick. 

• I brought cupcakes to my brother Jake's house for the kids to decorate. We gave everyone candles and sang them all happy birthday, because that's how bored I was. Tyler tried to blow out his candle, got too close, and singed all his eyelashes off like a complete fool.

• He was walking on the sidewalk, fell down, and landed on his face. Now his front tooth is all jacked up and dead.... from walking. 

He is so lucky I think he's cute and funny, otherwise I would disown him fo' sure.

Chucky Scratched Tyler's Balls

My 2 year old, T-Bag Tyler, is not a friend to all animals. 

He loves dogs and cats more than anything, but cannot express his love through conventional ways.

(I never claimed to be a good parent.)

One of his favorite hobbies is harassing our little cat, Chucky.

Tail-pulling, picking up by the neck, and laying on top of the cat are among T-Bags favorite moves. 

One time, he put the cat in the garbage can. 

There is a high correlation between treating animals badly during childhood and becoming a serial killer as an adult. 

I don't want to think about that though. 

**Deep Breath**

Tyler is my son and I love him. 

**Exhale**

Our cat is so nice, patient, and docile.

He has never retaliated no matter the amount of abuse he receives. It's very weird. 

I sometimes wish Chucky would hurt Tyler back so Tyler would learn his lesson. 

In early December, Tyler learned a lesson. 

Chucky likes to sit on the edge of the bathtub while the boys take a bath. 

By the way, the green bathwater is from a bath bomb and not because my kids are that dirty.... even though they are that dirty.

T-bag decided to pull the cat into the water. 

The cat freaked out and clawed his way out of the tub, unintentionally scratching Tyler on the way. 

Tyler screamed. His legs were bleeding. 

I was like, WTF is happening in my life. 

Tyler kept crying about his balls, so after I calmed him down I checked out his wounds and HOLY FREAKING CRAP.

There was a slice in the middle of his bean bag. 

I must have stared at it, horrified, for a solid 5 minutes. 

No parenting classes or books ever prepped me for when my kids nuts get mangled. 

A piece of ball-sack skin was dangling off him like tissue paper in the wind. 

Seriously. What do you do?

Bandaid? No. 

Stiches? Double no.

Super Glue? Possibly. 

I ended up putting a ton of antibiotic ointment on it and slapped on his diaper. 

He walked like a cowboy the rest of the night.

His ball sack turned purple with bruising the next day and stayed like that for over a week.

Tyler insisted on wearing an ace bandage over his diaper for a few days. 

I didn't blame him. 

I would want some extra protection around my sliced balls too.

T-bag wouldn't let me take a picture of him in his ace bandage diaper so I had to lie and say I needed a picture of the nutcracker and snowflakes for Christmas.

I didn't realize, until just now, how mean it was to make him pose with a nutcracker while his own nuts were on the mend.

Oh yeah, If you are reading this just to find out how to make huge snowflakes, I apologize if you had to read about my kid's testicles.

It's super easy and the kids loved helping me make them.
All you do is use huge pieces of butcher paper and cut out a snowflake like you normally would. Duh.

Easy and the results are pretty fancy.

Oh yeah. A little over a month until Baby Girl is born. I can't decide if I'm more excited to hold a newborn or just not be pregnant anymore!!!!
I love newborns but I really love not being pregnant.

I Have Crooked Kids

Ryan was born with a super crooked nose.
It was slightly alarming.

When I first saw him I wondered how hard it would be to switch him with one of the other babies in the nursery with straight noses.

Then I remembered that was a felony.

Just kidding. I was super excited for this little crooked-nosed bundle of joy.

I adored him and even breastfed him! (Even though it hurt worse than a punch to the vadge.)
I worried about him. He had a bit of a hard time breathing, especially when smashed up against my humongous boobs.

I was glad everything else about him was healthy
I asked our doctors about surgery, nose braces, or anything else that would make him "normal" and help him breathe better. 

As a mom you just want your little poop-machine to be perfect.
Thankfully a crooked nose is not that big of a deal compared to other complications.

Ryan's little nose straightened out pretty quickly. After a week it was perfectly straight.

I was relieved.
Mostly because I didn't feel like I would suffocate him with my vein-y post-pregnancy tits.

I thought this would be the only crooked thing in my family.

Then little baby T-Bag came along.
He was crooked too.


But he was crooked in a much more amusing way.

T-Bag was born with a bent line down his bum.
It definitely did not straighten out, since the picture above is from today. 

But who am I to judge his split?
The top of his butt crack is a free spirit.

If his crack wants to bend towards the left I should support and accept it.
I will foster a loving environment for it and constantly reinforce my love and care for it.

At least this crookedness won't be suffocated by my boobs. 

Well played God. Well played.
Very clever.

However, if we are blessed with another child, I'm concerned/excited to find what will be crooked next.

Any guesses?

Contour Fail / Mustache Win

Have you ever watched the beauty guru channels on YouTube?
They are addicting-ly fabulous.

 NikkieTutorials

jeffreestar

Why am I so late to this enchanting party?

I love makeup. It hides my adult acne, my eyebrow situation, and my insecurity.
I wear makeup everyday. I feel better when I am all ready and put together. It makes me feel like I can handle the shitshow day. 


If I didn't pull myself together and looked like a dump, I would straight up sit on my couch all and make sweet love to Netflix.

When I was 18-20 I worked as a manager at Victoria's Secret Beauty. This was 10-12 years ago when 1/2 of the store was all makeup, lotion, and edible massage oil.

Everyone knew how to do makeup decently well, we were good enough to sell it.
This was before the internet, YouTube, and Sephora.


After watching these videos, I now see the error in my crappy makeup skills.

My 18-20 year old self is embarrassed.

Speaking of Sephora, almost every time we go, Titty Monkey Tyler sneaks $30 lipsticks and applies it all over his face, until I realize what he's doing.
Then I take a picture.

I mean, I could stop him, but why would I want to? 

It's precious.
The employees love us there.

I've been wanting to try the whole face contouring thing and bought this Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit.
Mostly because it looked like it had buttloads of class.

(source)

It was so fancy that I felt like every time I handled it, I should have my pinky finger raised in the air.

I watched 327 contouring tutorials, took 6 hits of acid, said a prayer, and went to work.
And by acid, I mean goldfish crackers.


I tried hard, I really did.
But after 20 minutes of beauty blending I lost focus. Do people really take this long to put on foundation? I have butts to wipe, laundry to do, and a short attention span.

On a normal day I spend 10 minutes doing ALL my makeup. 

I felt like I had a thick layer of shellac on my face, but it still looked pretty much the same. I clearly need more talent than a makeup store at the mall afforded me.

I tried to redeem myself by doing sexy shimmer eye shadow but ended up looking like an amateur drag queen (which could have been awesome if I wasn't a stay at home mom).

I'm sure the Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit is lovely, in the hands of a professional. 


Given Tyler's affinity for makeup, he stood and watched me fumble my way through my makeup.

It was so sweet because even though my face was a mess, he still asked me to put some on him.
It's like he loves me for who I am and not what I do.


When I was done with Tyler's summer glam look, he really wanted me to finish it off with a mustache.

Then he wanted me to finish mine with a mustache too.
My face was jacked up, so at this point a mustache could only help.
And it's not like I've never had a dirty sanchez before.

Next, he wanted "mom's other hair" and when I realized what he meant, I was glad it wasn't my pubes.

When I made him wash the makeup off, he totally over reacted.
He ran in his room and cried like an angry elf for 10 minutes.

At least Husband and I know that if we ever have a girl, she will be incredibly good looking.

I Forgot T-Bag's Birthday

On March 5, my cute little spawn of Satan turned 2 years old.

Too bad I forgot.

My parents called and wanted to come over to drop off a present for him. I was all confused. I thought it was weird they were giving out random presents, but I like free stuff so I just went with it.

About 10 minutes later I realized it was Tyler's birthday.

He's little and doesn't know the difference so I didn't feel bad... But then I felt extra bad for not feeling bad initially.
I knew his birthday was coming, but when the actual day came, it slipped my mind. #motheroftheyear

That weekend we pretended it was his birthday again.

I bought him a couple presents to open.

And we let the boys decorate/destroy the birthday cake.

Tyler loved it.

So far I haven't seen any signs of resentment from him for forgetting his birthday.
I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that when he's a teenager.

Even though Tyler may be a terror child at times, I love, love, love, love, love, love him.

Here's why:

- He never cries when I put him to bed.
- When he wakes up he just hangs out in his crib chillin out until I come get him. Sometimes he might yell "Mam!" or "Ded!" if he hears us walking around.
- He is weirdly happy every time he wakes up.
- He smiles all the time.
- He laughs in my face when I try to discipline him, then I laugh and he gets out of trouble.
- He adores Ryan and tries to do everything with him.

- When it's time to eat, he always gets out 2 dishes. One for him and one for Ryan.
- He loves when Husband comes home from work, Tyler runs at him and yells, "Deddy's home!"

- He likes to give hugs while shrieking, "Huggy!!!"
- His favorite show is Barney, and it's the most annoying thing ever.
- He sings bedtime songs with me every night.
- If Jared, Ryan, or I are ever gone, he gets worried and will constantly ask for the missing person. He needs us all together.

- He cleans up messes he makes. For real. It is awesome.
- He answers his own questions and gives himself permission to do anything - "Mam, jewelry box? ok.", "Cheetos, ok.", "Color on wall? ok."
- He is friendly and often says hi to strangers and gives them hugs. It makes some people really uncomfortable. Don't worry, I carry a knife to shank any would-be kidnappers.

There are a million other reasons I adore him too.

It's still shocking to me how much you can love your kids.

Next year, I'm totally going to remember his birthday. Probably.

Chicken Babies

I am all about free kid entertainment.
That's why I go to nasty McDonalds, Walmart's toy section, IKEA, and church.

We also go to this awesome pet store in Riverton named Pet Planet. I tell my kids it's the aquarium.
We go so much the owner knows us. He also knows we are freeloaders and never going to buy anything, but he is still nice and accepts me as a person.

What is cool about Pet Planet is they have a ton of animals. Not like Petco, who only has fish and some sad looking hamsters.

Pet Planet has every reptile, tons of spiders, fish, birds, kittens, dogs, and all the creepy small mammals that pee in wood shavings.



One day I was driving home and saw a farming supply store, IFA, with a big sign saying "Baby Chicks are Here!!!" I swerved into the parking lot so fast I almost wrecked my car.

I told the boys it was a special petting zoo, but only with chickens, and it also happened to sell cowboy boots and horse feed. It's cool though, cause they still believed me. 

The chicks were in pens and could only stick their little heads out to eat, but it was fine, since you could still pet their fluffy heads and let them eat out of your hands.

They were sooooooo cute.

I almost shoplifted one.

I was gazing lovingly into the baby chicks eyes when I hear a gleeful laugh from Baby Tyler.

I look over and he's holding a chick he pulled out of the cage.  By. It's. Head.
He's also squishing the crap out of it.

For real though, crap was coming out the chicks B-hole.

Not only was he killing the chick, he was super proud of himself.

We hurried and made sure it wasn't hurt and put it back in the pen immediately.

Just kidding, we held the fluffy chick  for like, 15 minutes, until we saw an IFA employee come see what everyone was laughing at, then Ryan shoved it sideways through cage.

Oh yeah, in my defense, T-Bag dressed himself that day. 

No wonder all the chicks liked him.

Stink Tyler

Tyler stinks.

I know humans can smell pretty gross in general but I had no idea a baby poop could reach this magnitude of stink.

Even when he was a newborn and breast fed his poop was pretty unpleasant, which was weird because generally breast fed babies dumps don't really smell like anything.

EVERYONE who has ever babysat him comments on how foul his dirty diapers are. For real. T-bags poop is so vile that people take the time to comment on it.

Tyler's stench made my friend Marianne so grossed out she messed up her song on the piano.
It is not normal.

Something is genetically wrong with his insides. His guts have to be rotten.

When he poops Ryan feels the need to vividly describe how offensive the poop is.

Some especially creative descriptions include:

Hey MOOOOOOOMMMMM! Tyler smells like

• dead lizards are in his butt
• rotten turkey
• old maple syrup
• 1000 rotten eggs
• someone put dog poop in his diaper
• two hamsters killed each other in a fight
• a long neck dinosaur poop
• potato-ish

Now my brain can imagine what dead hamsters smell like and I can't ever forget that.

Changing his diaper is the low point of my day.

Have you ever literally felt a smile drop off your face? I don't mean like you lose your train of thought then realize your frowning. I mean like you have an innocent happy smile then something happens and that smile is dragged down by pure disappointment.

That's what happens to me every time I realize Tyler destroyed his diaper. That also happens every time I have to change the diaper genie sausage.

He found a Stink Bug in the garage and made friends with it.

I let him play with it because if the bug sprayed him, it would probably be a scent improvement.

And recently he started trying to eat his boogers. So that's exciting.